Jump part 1

Here's part one of a 3-part story I'm writing for my school newspaper. Enjoy, and critique away!




“Jump” said a voice from behind him. The boy turned.
“Excuse me?” He asked, slightly confused. Obviously this man couldn’t really want him to jump off this huge building.
“You heard me. Jump. Jump off.”
The boy smiled uncertainly. Surely, the man was trying to be funny. “Well,” he said in a light tone, “Typically those who jump off buildings die.” He gestured to the busy street hundreds of feet below. Inside, he was beginning to get annoyed. He had only come up for some fresh air, and a wisecracker had to come and ruin his peace. He took a closer look at the man. Tall,well muscled. He looked quite professional, in a black suit with a shock dark brown hair. The midday sun glinted off his reflective shades. He didn’t look like the wisecracking type.
“I believe you misunderstood me. Jump off this building, before I do something drastic.”
The boy sprinted for the door that led inside. His hand closed around the handle, but he was too late. A sharp pain in his back blossomed, and he blacked out to the sight of the man’s tranquilizer gun.
*
Susan followed the strange, bald man in the white lab coat. However, she wasn’t sure her name was Susan. That was just what they had told her when she had woken up, and nothing else. She was already sick of the weird, reflective jumpsuit they had made her wear. She felt like a walking mirror, and in the mirror-lined hallways, her reflection looked just like a floating head. They reached the end, and the man waved her into a dark room—closing the door behind her. A light flicked on in the very center of the room, revealing a man in a black business suit with brown hair and sunglasses. He smiled, and it scared her. He waved to the empty seat in front of him. “Move the chair, Susan,” he whispered. “But don’t touch it.” She stared, wide-eyed.
“Where am I?” she asked, not moving.
“I will tell you this much for the moment: you are in JCTG, or Juvenile Center for the Telekinetically Gifted.” He held one hand out in front of him, as if to stop her. A somehow familiar pain swam through her head. “Now move the chair.”




I'd also be hapy with some suggestions on what should happen in part 2.

I like it a lot. It left me begging for more. It's really good.

That was good. It was really good, I must admit.

You didn't explain your surroundings enough. While it did all make sense, I didn't really didn't get a feel for where we were. It was sort of plain, simple, and to the point.

My suggestion: try to elaborate a bit more on the surroundings. Was it a cold winter day? Was it a hot summer day? What did the room that Susan was in look like? Was it white, black, or like a prison cell?

You did make a good hook, though. I am curious as to why the man wanted the boy to jump, and who Susan is and how she got there.

Anyway. Good job, and PM me if you ever need anything critiqued. I don't bite! ;P

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

I will critique. Red are my correction, and, where possible, I'll underline the bit of your writing I'm correcting. Savvy? Well, we'll begin then...

Dreamy115 wrote:
“Jump” said a voice from behind him. The boy turned.
“Excuse me?” He asked, slightly confused. Obviously this man couldn’t really want him to jump off this huge building.
“You heard me. Jump. Jump off.”
The boy smiled uncertainly. Surely, the man was trying to be funny. “Well,” he said in a light tone, “Typically those who jump off buildings die.” He gestured to the busy street hundreds of feet below. Inside, he was beginning to get annoyed. Annoyed? In my head, I thought you were going to end with 'a little scared' or something along those lines. Annoyed doesn't really sound right here. Maybe change? He had only come up for some fresh air, and a wisecracker had to come and ruin his peace. He took a closer look at the man. Tall,well muscled. He looked quite professional, in a black suit with a shock dark brown hair. I don't understand 'a shock'. Do you mean 'a shock of' or what? Because this doesn't make sense to me... The midday sun glinted off his reflective shades. He didn’t look like the wisecracking type.
“I believe you misunderstood me. Jump off this building, before I do something drastic.”
The boy sprinted for the door that led inside. His hand closed around the handle, but he was too late. A sharp pain in his back blossomed, and he blacked out to the sight of the man’s tranquilizer gun.
*
Susan followed the strange, bald man in the white lab coat. However, she wasn’t sure her name was Susan. That was just what they had told her when she had woken up, and nothing else. She was already sick of the weird, reflective jumpsuit they had made her wear. She felt like a walking mirror, and in the mirror-lined hallways, her reflection looked just You shouldn't really use 'just' in proper writing. And plus, I think this sentence sounds better without. like a floating head. They reached the end, and the man waved her into a dark room—closing the door behind her. A light flicked on in the very center of the room, revealing a man in a black business suit with brown hair and sunglasses. He smiled, and it scared her. He waved to the empty seat in front of him. “Move the chair, Susan,” he whispered. “But don’t touch it.” She stared, wide-eyed.
“Where am I?” she asked, not moving.
“I will tell you this much for the moment: you are in JCTG, or Juvenile Center for the Telekinetically Gifted.” He held one hand out in front of him, as if to stop her. A somehow familiar pain swam through her head. “Now move the chair.”

Interesting. Too short to give a proper critique, but that's no problem. It was neat and well-written, lacking in much detail however, but that didn't seem to matter. Well, I have no ideas for what happens next. That's your job! I know, not helpful, but I struggle enough for plots in my own writing. It takes me a long, long time. Still, does this have to be finished in the newspaper - or could you have a sequel in the next edition?

~Ash~

Thanks, everyone! Yes, I'm sorry it's so short, I typically describe my surroundings, but I had a word limit. And there are 3 more issues left in this year-- so it has to be 3 short parts. I can't continue the next year, cuz ill be in high school.So, if it's really short and non-descriptive, its because i have very little space to put it in.

--Dreamy

Good concepts. Good ideas. However, I didn't like the way you expressed them. You did more telling than showing. It seems more like a screenplay than a story right now. Maybe try to lengthen out this piece by incorporating sentences on description and emotion.

As for what happens next, how does this idea sound:

The man gives Susan limited information about the JCTG and about herself. He only explains to her that she has a purpose,a purpose that that is so crucial to mankind's existence and far beyond her wildest dreams(maybe the purpose could be to save the earth from something supernatural or extraterrestrial or maybe the man is just deceiving her and her purpose is something less significant like stopping an assassin or being an assassin herself). Susan is reluctant to trust him and instead wants to know of her true identity. She flees the organization at night...... To twist things up a bit,how about the readers discover that Susan is not actually human, even though she has the appearance of one.Maybe she is extraterrestrial and the US government is keeping her hostage to get some resources from her home planet. Give clues that indicate she does not exhibit human behavior, such as not sleeping, no desire for food, water or the opposite sex. Perhaps later Susan will run into the guy who was tranquilized. Maybe he'll fall in love with her but he won't know that his attraction to her is a threat to his and her life.

Hope these ideas help!PM me when you've got another section. Keep the muse alive and write on!

PS: Could you review my story, Angler Part 1, please.

Thanks! I'll be sure to review yours. That's a cool plot! I might use some ideas, thanks again.

Awesome first chapter It really made me think, and was also a cliff hanger at the end, which I love reading. I can't wait for Part Two!

Thanks. Now, to write part 2.... hmmmm....

great story i really enjoyed the beginning, the whole idea of jctg is cool. is part two out

nope, not yet. I still hafta write it.

Hiya, I'm about to read the part you requested, but thought I'd read this first.

Susan followed the strange, bald man in the white lab coat. However, she wasn’t sure her name was Susan.

This is the only comment I have. Instead of telling us if she wasn't sure her name was Susan, don't show it at all. Instead, leave her name a mystery until the man at the end says it. This would add to the dramatic affect.

Classy