werewolves/vampires chapter 6

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Okay so thanks to everyone who commented on the last chapters. Please keep them going and be harsh because we need to make tihs awesome! About reviewing? I have been reviwing a lot of work yet it doesn't want to show itself so don't I am conceited because of it. anyway here is the chaptre.

Anna

My eyes snapped open to see Teal’C looking at me, horrified. I jumped up into a defensive position.
“What the hell?” Teal’C muttered to herself taking in my stance.
“Teal’C, what is wrong?” I asked, my voice sounded funny.
“What’s wrong with me? Anna what is wrong with you?” she said her voice going through two octaves, “I’m not the one who just passed out on the stairs.”
“Wha….” My voice trailed away as I looked around and really realized where I was. I was standing on the stairs just outside of the female dorms. The funny thing was that I don’t even remember coming here; to think of it I didn’t remember what did at all today. I glanced back up at Teal’C who was clutching her school bag and looking at me like I was about to pass out… again I guess since apparently I had just passed out on the stairs.
“I don’t remember?” I said stupidly.
I tried to remember what I had done last. I remembered going to breakfast but I didn’t remember how I got there. And I remember going hunting last night, but didn’t remember going back to my room. Did I even go back to my room? Did I sleep out here on the stairs? I looked down at my clothes but they were not the old sweats I had worn out hunting the night before. I was dressed in my favourite pair of jeans and a black sweater; I also had a red scarf wrapped around my neck and matching gloves on my hands. Maybe I was to tired to remember all the details of last night but that didn’t explain why I don’t remember anything else, it felt like there was holes in my memories.
“What do you mean you don’t remember Anna?” Teal’C said with a look of true frustration on her usually happy face, “What don’t you remember, passing out?”
“No, well yes I don’t remember the passing out bit but also other things….” I said.
“Are you all right?” Teal’C asked. I don’t know was I alright? What ever happened to my memory didn’t matter I had to pretend I was fine. Teal’C didn’t need to know.
“Yes,” I lied
Teal’C looked at me, incredulous, “Anna… I don’t know, are you sure?”
“Yep,” I answered lightly, “What is the time?”
“Just after ten, did you miss you first two classes?” she asked.
“I’m not sure?” I started to say then saw her ‘you are crazy look’ and said, “Yep I didn’t feel like going to class this morning so I ditched.”
“Anna, you can’t just skip school any time you want, you will get suspended!” She yelled at me.
“Chill Teal’C I am on my way to class now.”
“Ok then, if you are on your way to class then what do you have now?” Damn why did she have to be so smart?
“I mean I was just on my way to check what class I had next so I could go to it.” I ran up the stairs and into the shabby hallway until I reached my faded brown door to my room, I could hear music somewhere close. I opened the door and confirmed what I heard, there was music coming from my CD player I had brought from home. I must have forgotten to turn it off when I was doing what ever I was doing. This whole not remembering thing was getting old. I turned the music off at the wall, grabbed my school bag and my timetable off of the floor and ran back out to Teal’C.
“See,” I poked my tongue out at her, “I have ummm, music.”
“Anna I don’t think that you should go to class, maybe you should see the school nurse?” she was obviously still scared that I would pass out on her again. Well there was absolutely no way that she could make me go to any nurse.
“I am fine, gee Teal’C just leave me alone ok,” I stormed at her, “I am going to class.”
“You might want to change into your school uniform or you might get into more trouble,” Teal’C called to me as I started to walk towards the class buildings.
I turned around to see her smug face looking at my outfit. Resisting the erg to punch her I dropped my bag at the top of the stairs and stalked back to my dorm to get changed. The uniform was a white and blue checkered blouse and a black knee length skirt that was worn with knee high sock and sturdy, stupid, black shoes. The dress code says that you either had to have a royal blue or white hair band in your hair and since all my hair bands were fluro colour I decided to go with the hair down look, it suited me better anyway. I was pretty cold so I got my white scarf so that it would match the uniform. I observed myself in the mirror. I love my hair, it was such a dark brown that people though it was black and it fell it slight, soft curls to my waist. My parents though that girls should have long hair so they refused to cut mine and Teal’C’s hair short, they also objected to any color in it other than the natural colour. But as usual I didn’t listen and when and got red through my hair, they were mad at first but it didn’t look bad so they let me keep it. I quickly applied mascara, making my green eyes seem bigger and brighter. A little lip gloss and I was done. Teal’C was really against make-up and constantly nagged me on why I used it, but I didn’t really care.
I grabbed my pullover and went back outside, it was drizzling lightly. Teal’C had gone to class, probably because she had felt that she had annoyed me enough for one day. I sighed as I slung my bag over my shoulder and walked toward the schools buildings again.

I was late, of course, and the whole class turned and stared at me. I walked up to the teacher.
“I’m really sorry that I am late sir, I had some problems with my timetable,” I lied smoothly.
“That is alright, oh you must be new, my name is Mr. Webster.” He smiled at me, and I did my best to return the friendly gesture.
“I’m Anna,” I told him.
“Well it is lovely to have you here, so tell me Anna what instrument do you play? Guitar, piano, drums? Or do you sing?” Mr. Webster said.
“Well I sing and I also play the guitar and a bit of the piano.”
“That is excellent; tell me about your music studies at your old school, if you did any.”
“My old school did not have a good music program, so I took vocal and guitar lessons outside of school as an addition to what I learnt at school, and I was also in a band, lead singer.” This school looked like it had a better program then my old one, the classroom was quite large and there was a heap of guitars and keyboards and numerous other musical instruments around the room. My old school had Xylophones and Tamborines, not the best. I learnt the little bit of piano I knew from my mother, she rarely played but when she did I would watch and take it all in and if I was lucky she would teach me a bit.
“Well I am proud to say that this school has a rather good music program, and I hope that you will like it here.” Said Mr. Webster, “Why don’t you just sit and relax for the lesson, you are welcome to play an instrument, there are books in the cardboard over there.” He pointed to a little cardboard overflowing with books that had slightly faded covers.
“Thank you,” I walked over and picked up a guitar and went to play it in the corner. I got out my purple Roadie guitar pick and started playing.
“Hi Anna,” a deep male voice said, I looked up into the deep blue eyes of someone who looked vaguely familiar, “I didn’t know that you played the guitar.”
“Umm, hi, how do you know my name?” I asked.
“We had this conversation last night, in the woods, don’t you remember?” He asked me confused.
“Danny,” he said hopefully like he was trying to jog my memory.
Damn my stupid brain, why could I not remember anything? Did I really run into him in the woods? That didn’t sound likely? Running into people in the woods, at night?
“Sky’s brother?” He tried again, seeing my hopeless look on my face.
Well that would explain why I ran into him if he is related to sky that probably meant he was a werewolf as well. I was so confused, but I didn’t want to hurt this strangers feelings.
“Oh I remember, sorry I am really tired.” I lied, again, I was lying a lot today!
“Hey that’s alright, we all get like that sometimes,” he was smiling again, and I got the feeling that I knew him from somewhere… maybe because I “meet” him in the woods last night.
“So can you play me a song?” He asked.
“Umm, I don’t know,” I said, but then I saw his face fall and changed my mind, “Sure why not.”
“Cool.”
“This song I used to sing to Teal’C when we where younger, it’s called little lemon trees.” When Teal’C was younger we discovered that she had some physic abilities, apart from the element using thing. She could see the future, or parts of it, mainly the bad things. Her “visions” came to her when she was asleep. They were not always the sweetest things, like her watching our grandma die every night for a week before it actually happened. So when Teal’C would start screaming I would go into her room and sing to her, it always calmed her down enough to be able to go back to sleep.
I started to sing, “When the birds tweet soft and sweet I can see your dirty little feet running through the lemon trees…..”
Danny made me nervous, a rare thing for me, I could not look him in the eyes whilst I sang. So instead I looked at roof.
When I finished I looked at him to see his mouth spread into a wide smile and his eyes crinkle at the corners, it was kind of cute.
“You are amazing, that is such a sweet song.”
“Thank you, Danny.”
I spent the rest of the lesson talking to Danny; we talked about music and video games, which he admitted to me he played all the time.
“Are you coming to the meeting tonight?” He asked as we were walking out of the classroom to go to lunch.
“There is a meeting?” Man more things I had missed.
“About you know the “vampires” situation?” He said the word vampire in a hushed voice.
“Oh, nop when is it?” I asked I was not going to miss it.
“Tonight at seven, in the library.”
“Okay, cool I will be there.”
“Let’s go to lunch.”

The lunch hall was quite large considering that there were only 500 students in the school. There where five long wooden tables that were about the length of the hall. A lot of students were already there grouping together with there friends along the tables. In the back corner there was a serving desk, which I guessed was for the borders to get there food. I looked for Teal’C along the tables until I found her sitting with Sky, Xavier and some other girl with heavy eye make up on. I gestured with my arm to Danny and lead the way to where they were sitting. Sky looked up an saw us coming.
“So you have already abducted her have you Danny?” she giggled.
“Had to help her find her way around the school.”
“Such a gentleman,” Sky sniggered.
I sat down at the table and Danny excused himself to go sit with his friends.
“Anna why are you wearing a scarf, its like a hundred degrees in here,” Teal’C asked.
“Well I am cold,” I answered, it was actually a bit warm but I liked my scarf.
“Suit yourself.”
“Anna this is Amber, by the way,” Teal’C said pointing to the heavy eye make up girl.
“Hi Amber,” I said.
“Hey,” She replied shyly.
“Anna, you seem in a better mood today.” Sky noted.
“Not really, I still hate this place, it gives me the creeps.”
“Same here,” Amber agreed.
“Oh come on you baby’s it is not that bad.” Sky teased.
“You are right, there could be gargoyles,” Amber laughed.
Gargoyles or not this place was medi-evil, which was cool, and if I wasn’t being a grumpy but I would probably want to explore like Teal’C.
“Anna, aren’t you going to eat?” Amber asked.
“Nop, not hungry.” From the corner of my eye I saw Teal’C smile.
“Guess what Sky told me before you arrived?” Teal’C said her face suddenly lighting up.
“What?” I asked, going along with fake enthusiasm.
“Every Saturday night the school has supervised trips to the cinema!” She exclaimed.
“Maybe we can go see new moon next week then!” I said watching Teal’C’s face turn into a mask of disgust. Teal’C hated anything to do with Twilight. She said that the books have everything wrong about werewolves, which it does but I still loved it.
“No way you will have to go see this one by yourself, you are not dragging me along to it again,” Teal’C said cringing as she remembered.
“I’ll come, I love Taylor Launter. Man he is so hot!” Amber said.
“That would be cool since miss I don’t like anything over here wont come.”
“Hey I like SpongeBob!” Teal’C said looking at me like I had forgotten the most important detail of her life.
Everyone busted in to laughter. As the bell rang to go back into class. Teal’C jumped up first, eager as all hell to go to class.
“Teal’C wait up I wanna talk to you,” I called after her.
She turned and started tapping her foot impatiently, “Hurry up I don’t have all day you know.”
Ignoring her ribbing I told her about the meeting tonight.
“Cool, it will be like a secret spy meeting,” she said when I had finished her face lighting up with joy.
I sighed and left her to go to my next class. Math’s one of my least favourite subjects in the world.

“Teal’C hurry up!” I yelled as I waited for her to come out so we could go to the “vampire” meeting.
“Just wait… I’m getting ready.”
“Its just a gathering in the library, its not like you are meeting the queen!” normally I was the one who took forever to get dressed.
The door opened and Teal’C immerged fully dressed. She went to close the door making sure I could not see into her dorm when a little voice called out,
“Sissy, I’ma hungry.”
“Who is that? Is that your room mate? Why the hell is she calling you Sissy?” I asked. The voice sounded like a little kids voice.
“Oh, I didn’t want you to find out. Oh well come in and I will show you.” Teal’C said holding her door open so I could see a little boy, about four or five sitting cross legged on her bed. And what shocked me most of all was that he was wearing her beanie, she never let me wear that beanie.
“Teal’C why do you have a little kid in your room?” I asked shocked.
“An older kid was beating him up so I had to help him. I am going to ask the office about him after this meeting.” She explain, talking really fast like she always did when she wanted to say something fast.
“Where is your room mate?” I asked, I didn’t think that her room mate would appreciate a little kid in her room.
“She had some weird fungi thing straight after school so she hasn’t seen him.”
“Oh, ok. Well what are you going to do, the meeting started two minutes ago,” I said glancing at my watch for the time.
“He will be alright here for now. Roro there is some food in the little fridge over there, I will be back in a little while.”
“Ok Sissy.” The little kid said.
I waited until we were outside of the dorm to speak, “Why does he call you sissy?”
“I don’t know. He doesn’t have any family. Except for Himo.” She said.
“Who is Himo?” Something in the way that she said it that “Himo” was not a human.
“His stuffed toy.” She answered simply.
“Ok, that is weird.” Man I was confused, “And you let him wear your beanie.”
Instead of coming up with some lame excuse she just started laughing at me.

The library was really small and stingy and naturally Teal’C loved it. “Wow this place is amazing; it’s like stepping into the olden days.”
“Everything is this place is like the olden days Teal’C.” I told her, I mean most the curtains in this place were beige, who used beige as a curtain colour these days?
“That’s why it is so cool.”
I sighed, typical Teal’C. “Come on, look everyone is over there.”
Xavier, Sky, Danny and a few people I didn’t’ know were in the corner sitting on bean bags, when I pointed this fact out to Teal’C, her eyes lit up, she loves bean bags. I walked towards them, Teal’C following close behind me. Danny looked up at our approach.
“Hey Anna!” He said happily, I looked at Sky and saw her glaring me down, was she protective of her older brother or something?
“Hi Danny, Xavier, Sky.” I said trying to be polite.
“OK, OK let us start now, is that everyone?” A dark haired boy said from the corner.
“My name is Alec for anyone that doesn’t know me,” He went on.
“I wonder what this is about?” Teal’C whispered excitedly in my ear, I shushed her.
“Now we all know about the vampire problem, but I would like to know if anyone has noticed anyone suspicious?” Alec said.
“Well there is that guy, Harley in grade ten, in sport yesterday he would not get changed in the change room with us and he also always wears glasses even when it is rain which is like all the time.” Said a small red haired girl from the corner.
“Well he could just be weird but we can’t afford anyone to slip through the cracks so he will be a suspect until we find out more information, so thank you Katherine” Alec said.
Alec sounded like the leader of what ever was going on here.
“My friend Amber always jokes about her room mate being a vamp, because she always has the windows shut and stuff like that.” Sky put in.
“Have you actually checked this one out for yourself?” asked Alec.
“Humans are more perceptive than we give them credit for.” Sky answered simply.
“Ok.” Alec says giving in. “What is this girl’s name?”
“Ciara Walker.”
“Ok, is there anyone else?” Alec asked. When nobody added anything else he went on. “The other reason why I arranged this meeting was because the elders have been having some problems, the other night the found a body completely drained of blood and carelessly dumped, all the signs say vampire attack. This also means that the vampire is strong, really strong, not your average vamp.”
Everyone looked around the circle shocked. I wasn’t quite sure what he meant by ‘not your average vamp’ but it was obvious that they knew, except Teal’C she had the same look that I am guessing was on my face.
“What do you mean by that?” I asked. Everyone turned to look at me and I heard Sky groan earning her an elbow in the gut from Xavier. “I am new and I only found out that vampires exist yesterday.”
“Well… there are two types of vampires. The ones who feed from animals and humans but leaving the humans alive and the ones who feed off humans and kill them. The vampires that kill have lost there soul so to say and are even less human then ordinary vampires. In vampire world it is considered as a disgusting thing to do. This makes them not only stronger but able to control people, make them see things, make them forget things make them do things. Ordinary vampires can do this as well but not nearly as well as killing vampires can.”
“Vampires can make you see things?”
“Yes and when you have a vampire as strong as this one that killed the human than you have no choice but to obey and that is really worrisome.”
“You bet.” I mumbled under my breathe.
“So this means that we must be a whole lot more careful. If one of them gets control over us then we’ll have no chance of stopping what ever they are doing?”
“Do you have any ideas about what they are planning?” Asked Katherine.
“We have a few but we are not one hundred percent sure but as far as I know the vamps are mad because the humans are making them hide away are they are planning to make a stand against them and anything willing to stand up for them, which is us.”
“But why here at this school?” Asked a brown haired boy from the corner.
“This schools foundations are on top of an ancient war zone, a place where Vampires and humans once fought. Wolves where also a part of this war and we sided with the humans making us natural enemies of the vampires. This war caused the vampires to go into hiding. And it is said that there are some of the vampires who fought in the War are still alive. So the reason they chose here I’m guessing is because of the place.”
“Do you think that there will be a war this time?” asked Danny.
“I really hope there isn’t because this time I don’t think it will end well.” Said Alec mournfully. “These vampires are determined to gain control over the human race and are willing to give up anything to be strong enough to beat them.”
“Their souls apparently.” Said Danny
“Its getting late so I will leave you with this, be careful, vampires are very dangerous and we don’t know what they are doing so you must be on your guard at all times. No being cocky and going after them by yourselves we don’t want to lose any of you,” Alec concluded.
There was a murmur of agreement around the circle, and then everyone started to leave. I got up just as Danny came over to Teal’C and I.
“Pretty heavy stuff eh?” He asked directing the question to me.
“The heaviest,” I told him.
“I see when I’m not wanted,” Teal’C said sneaking away trying to be inconspicuous.
Danny laughed but underneath he was blushing.
“I was wondering if maybe you would like to come to the Irish dancing thing on Saturday, I mean it might sound lame but it is really fun.” He said really fast that I had to listen hard to get all the words. “My mum’s friend owns the pub.”
“A pub?” I asked.
“Yeah but you have to show ID to get a drink.”
I laughed, “Yes I think I will come thank you.”
“Oh cool, we are allowed out on Saturday nights to go to the movies but we can sneak away.”
“Sounds great!” I said smiling, I looked over at Teal’C who were obviously ears dropping and her face was so shocked.
“See you then.” He said as a fair well greeting.
“Bye.”
Teal’C came over when Danny walked away and said, “I thought you had sworn not to go anywhere that involves Irish dancing.”
“People can change there minds.”
“At least he is better looking then rat face.”
I glared at her.
“Anna, may I talk to you?” Came Sky’s voice from behind me.
“Sure.”
“Look I don’t know how to say this nicely but I don’t want you to talk to my brother again.”




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Hey there. I haven't read any of the other chapters, so if some of my questions have been answered earlier in the story, feel free to disregard them.

Before I start, I'd like to say that splitting your chapters might be a good idea. It makes it easier for your reviewers to review smaller chunks than the whole massive chapter all at once. I checked your profile, and you only have one post in all the writing forums which was too short to be counted as a formal review (the minimum for one is 250 characters). Reviewing other writer's work is a good way to get people to review; people are more willing to review others who have already reviewed them.

“What the hell?” Teal’C muttered to herself taking in my stance.

Do you watch Stargate? If you don't there is a character of the same name and spelling, and the moment I saw that name, all I could think of was this:
Image

So yeah... Why is there an apostrophe in her name anyway?

I asked. My voice sounded funny.

Watch your punctuation. Just skimming this chapter, I caught a lot of run on sentences and improper punctuation. There are a number of excellent guides to punctuating on the internet; I suggest you look at them.

Resisting the urge

Watch your spelling as well.

together with their friends

and

was for the boarders to get their food

Again, watch your spelling, and make sure you don't confuse your homonyms. I'm not going to be pointing out any more mistakes since there are so many and you should be able to catch them on your own if you read through your work more carefully.

Overall, your characters felt very flat to me. They did this; they said that: I didn't feel that any of the characters had personalities of their own. It didn't help that all of the characters talked basically the same, and that their dialogue was infodumpy and unnatural in places. A good technique for writing dialogue is to read it aloud; if it sounds like something you'd hear someone say, or if it otherwise sounds natural, then you're usually okay. If it's something you'd never say yourself and can't imagine anyone you know saying, then odds are your dialogue is off and needs to be fixed. Also, no two people talk the same way; neither should your characters.

Concerning the technical aspects of writing, you really need to learn proper grammar and to proofread your own work. I found a lot of basic, easily notice and fixed mistakes, especially near the end. Before you post your work up for review, go through it at least twice to make sure all the silly mistakes have been caught.

You were a bit scant on the descriptions, but when you included some, they were fairly vague and infodumpy. For example, what does the library look like? All the reader knows is that it's small and "stingy" (How can a library be stingy?) and that it has beige curtains somewhere; not a very clear picture of what the library looks like. Now while you do need more description, be careful not to lump it all together in one place; doing so comes across as an infodump, and nobody likes reading infodumps. What little description you had was lumped together in one spot, so not only was your description vague, it was infodumpy.
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