Celestia

It's a giant abyss
The world beneath me
A universe of souls
Always revolving

It's a clockwork kiss
The scars on my lips
And the pain and the bliss
Always falling

Descent
Into the heavens
Drowning
In love

Here
The shadows
Dance
To the sound

And the song of the crows
Is like the music of the spheres

Here
Nothing can bring me down
I will fall
Until I die
For the secret of life
Is the key
To my heart

Hi, Dradian! June here

I quite like this! Some parts of it were really pretty, such as the second stanza. I love creative images like that; they make me smile inside.

However, some of your other parts such as [ Down here
There is something
That cannot be found above ] are pretty boring when compared, because there's none of that exciting imagery and lyrical play on words -- it's just the words kind of boringly relating this to us, and I totally think you should bring it to life. It'll definitely benefit your poem.

Aside, I liked it alot. It's creative, and I like your closing stanza.

June

Dradian Far Runes wrote:It’s a giant abyss
The world beneath me (I think you should add in a : after 'me')
A universe of souls
Always revolving (Nice imagery! )





Down here (comma)
There is something
That cannot be found above




And the song of the crows
Is like the resemble music of the spheres (I changed it cause' it seems a bit wordy...if you don't like my change, just try to make it shorter.)

Well, Dradian, I am quite impressed! I enjoyed, for the most part, everything!

I'm quite frustrated that I couldn't find more wrong. Maybe I should go through it again.

Haha, anyway, keep up the good work! *Likes it* = (Gold Star)


-Jon

Hey June! Thanks so much for the review! ^-^
Well, that is a great metaphor on your part. ^-^ "Smile inside..."
I'm so glad somone appreciates my inventive and oftentimes bizzare imagery... its my specialty, really. Makes me smile inside too. ^-^

You are so right! I totally looked over that... XD
*Changes*

Anywayz! Thanks again! So glad you enjoyed it!
Gotta go, so get back to you later! ^-^
-Realms
P.S. Sorry about the over-using of the kittyface