hispaniola

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the untouched flowers huddle in their shantytowns, pried
away from each other, like claustrophobes, as you root
through the shattered lumber, the old, fluted piping, the
prehistoric remains of a blue china teaset that had been in your
family for generations, and that you never used, but kept on shelves
where they squatted in hatcheries, handmaids around the
mistress teapot, because they were too good for you.

the sun is setting, the cries of displaced and frightened people,
of people singing, of people mending, of people looking, searching,
of people bleeding, last words floating around us like ash. the
seabirds speak in ugly, prophet dialects, the sun breaking
like an amniotic sac and the foetus clouds curled and slumbering
and dreaming red, cottony, fibrous dreams.

little naked black boy, weeping, weeping, his belly swollen and standing
in the middle of the ribbed, scuttled road where his brother lies, sainted
with blood, split open by rebar like a toad on a dissection plate. the air
is black, smogged, midges of light and mosques of flame and smoke.
you dig, dig, dig, looking for the polaroid of your great-great grandmother
on the beach, the bandages on your head ghostly and flapping loosely,
but trapped, like greenhouse gases, as you dig with nothing but
your bleeding fingers.

I leave you and walk into the coming night, the night settling in with its
cassocks of shadow, the darkness covering the eyes of the dead like
priests with their beads and last rites. there are no streetlights tonight,
no houselights, only the fires, and the full moon, curious and snooping,
its light soft and unformed, like babysounds.

port-au-prince glowers, its buildings shelved, roads brittle and
the flies breed, washing their hands like arthropodic doctors
preparing for the next morning.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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There is a lonely quality to "hispaniola", and your interpretation of current events haunting; frangible, even. The second stanza leaves unsettling images in the mind; for me, the words "bleeding" "ash" "prophet" all carry an almost Old–Testament association. In particular, it reminds me of when the Hebrew people mourned: they dressed in sackcloths and smeared ashes over their sin as they cried out in sorrow.

Your phrases are beautiful as always, even when you describe ruined objects and ruined lives.

Thanks for sharing this with us.

–antimelrose
Sabbatical isn't the right word, but it almost is.
loves like a hurricane/i am a tree/bending the weight of his wind and mercy/dcb
grace finds beauty in everything... makes beauty out of ugly things/U2




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hey kylan,

I think your number one problem in this poem is elongation. It is not snappy, or well-edited. Every point is laboured. It seems to take more words than necessary to make a good point, or idea, and it's slowing it all down too much.

I cannot take issue with your language though, which is, as always, fresh and crisp.

What this poem needs is an iron editing fist. Avoid double adjectives, which you seem to love. It weighhs it down. Try for more interesting verbs. The last stanza is probably the best just because it avoids superfluous phrasing and gets to the point, rather than floating around it.

So keep it sharp. Hope you revise it.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.




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Hey Kylan, So like Jack said it is very elongated, and you do take a while to get to your point. It feels a little tedious at times, which makes it hard for me as a reader to read. But you really do paint a picture for me, and I really enjoyed it. Keep writing.

~Hope
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




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Hey Kylan! It's been a long time. Anyway, here's my take, though I'm afraid I'm keeping this a bit brief.

I was going to comment first on your POV in second person, which I liked. At first I thought you only had it in the first stanza, but you do return to it in the third, which looking at it is sufficient to keep the reader anchored without floating away in all the detail outside of the immediate action.

Title: It's certainly appropriate. You were very wise to stay away from any mention of the word Haiti. Nonetheless, the word itself is Hispanic in origin, so it doesn't necessarily fit completely. Something to ponder, but I wouldn't change it because of that.

through the shattered lumber, the old, fluted piping, the
prehistoric remains of a blue china teaset that had been in your
family for generations, and that you never used, but kept on shelves
where they squatted in hatcheries, handmaids around the
mistress teapot, because they were always too good for you.


I like the idea of the teaset, though the struckout part can go. I suggest moving up the bolded part to take its place and start the next line with "but". The "hatcheries" throws me. I believe it's where the china has been stored, but "squatted" is a poor verb. I think the metaphor works, but maybe switch to "squatters in the hatchery". If I'm way off base to its meaning, let me know. The last bolded part is a suggestion. My preference is to leave "because" out of a poem.

the sun is setting, the cries of displaced and frightened people,
of people singing, of people mending, of people looking, searching,
of people bleeding, last words floating around us like ash. the
seabirds speak in ugly, prophetic dialects
, the sun breaking
like an amniotic sac and the foetus clouds curled and slumbering
and dreaming red, cottony, fibrous dreams.


The italics is really quite good. The repetition is fitting. I wasn't really sure what you were going for with the amniotic sac simile. It was just...almost gruesome to me? I mean, you have this whole insect extended metaphor (with a mention about a toad), but it doesn't fit in that either? Like I said, I wasn't sure what you were going for and it just didn't work for me.

is black, smogged, midges of light and mosques of flame and smoke.
you dig, dig, dig, looking for the polaroid of your great-great grandmother
on the beach, the bandages on your head ghostly and flapping loosely,
but trapped, like greenhouse gases, as you dig with nothing but
your bleeding fingers.


Haha, I had never heard of midges before. Geographical term maybe? Careful with "on the beach"; it could mean your gg-grandmother was on the beach, or you were digging on the beach for the picture.

I leave you and walk into the coming night, the night settling (setting?) in with its
cassocks of shadow, the darkness covering the eyes of the dead like
priests with their beads and last rites. there are no streetlights tonight,
no houselights, only the fires, and the full moon, curious and snooping,
its light soft and unformed, like babysounds.

port-au-prince glowers, its buildings shelved, roads brittle and
the flies breed, washing their hands like arthropodic doctors
preparing for the next morning.


I'm not sure I liked bringing in the first person here, where there was none previously. The words "beads and last rites" is interesting. There's a term for this technique, where you combine two words like that, but I can't think of it. Tim O'Brien does it in "The Things They Carried" with something like "they carried their grief and their rifles". Is it working here? I'm not sure. Good repetition in the next lines. I'm not sure about "babysounds".

"Port-au-prince" is good. I don't think you need to use "like" here. The flies aren't really "like" arthropodic doctors, as there's not really such a thing. I would just use a comma, at least that's my opinion.

Okay, so that wasn't brief at all haha. I thought it was gonna be much shorter. Oh well. Nice work though! It's great to see how far your poetry has come. :D
Perception is everything.




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Since you reviewed my poem for Haiti, it seems fitting I review yours ^^

To tell the truth, I didn't enjoy this. Your language is fantastic and I enjoy anything you write but this one, though your language is great, creates nothing.

For example:

the untouched flowers huddle in their shantytowns, pried
away from each other, like claustrophobes, as you root
through the shattered lumber, the old, fluted piping, the
prehistoric remains of a blue china teaset that had been in your
family for generations, and that you never used, but kept on shelves
where they squatted in hatcheries, handmaids around the
mistress teapot, because they were too good for you.


What's the real point of this long, adjective heavy stanza? To make a point of destruction but get carried away with the teapot?

It may just be me, but I feel this stanza brings nothing to the reader. Long poetry tends to distract less avid poets and drawling on completely loses their focus.

I think stanza two and three would of made one great poem. But you lose yourself in detail that doesn't really create any imagery.

Otherwise the words you used are unusual and refreshing. Which I love.

Hope this helped ^^

Kamas
"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles." ~ Charles Chaplin

#tnt




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Hi Kylan!

I really liked this. I'd go as far as to say this is my favourite from you in a little while. Most particularly because I could feel emotion, lovely, exciting emotion. As always, your diction is beautiful and your word usage makes me cringe with knowledge of my own work.

However, I would agree with Trident about introducing the first person here. The "I" immediately stole me away from the poem and I stopped liking it, literally on the moment I read that one letter. Why? I can't quite say, but I know that the change in perspective felt entirely wrong to me, and I disliked both of your last stanzas. I still love your imagery, although I feel as though your second last stanza failed in that regard in the way the use of "I" did; it all felt wrong.

Trident has done an excellent job looking through your poem, so this is a fairly useless attempt on my part. I do always love reading your poetry, so all is not lost.

~ Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.




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Hey Kylan!

I think what you've done best here is given the reader beautiful selections of language and imagery. I think the biggest nitpick is a bit like waht Firestarter said. You need some better structuring. I think that the longer lines not only put off some reviewers but its fluency is damaged. There's a more dragged out flow and the rhythm suffers too. I think the pace needs to be bumped up to secure impact.

Anyway, keep up the stunning descriptive notions
Ben



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