The Junior Accountant (Chp.1)

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This is the first chapter of one of my stories. ENJOY.

The Junior Accountant

Thirty year old Jason Polimer awoke slowly, grumbling as he did. He turned over to the left side of his bed and slowly lowered his foot towards the tiled floor. His big toe touched the ground first and immediately his whole leg shot up. Curled under his old tattered blanket Jason quickly went over of all the things he would do today. It didn’t take long because Jason Polimer had been doing exactly the same thing everyday for eight painfully boring years. All emotions were rarely used expect for pain and sorrow, but Jason learned to cope without Happiness, although it was extremely necessary.
Eight years ago after Jason Polimer graduated from university. He had got his first job, and it was in one of the most unknown banks in New York. The Bank's difficult name just could stay in Jason's memory; all he knew was that it between the 23rd and 24th Avenue. Jason Polimer worked in accounting at the fifth floor of the tall building and never in his eight years in that building did he stop at the other 23 floors in it. His office was the seventh block at the first room in front of the elevator. He worked for exactly six hours a day with an hour lunch in between. He received a very reasonable salary; nevertheless he never used more than fifty dollars of it every month. His life was an awful routine.
Jason Polimer was an old child and had never seen his parents for twelve years, ever since he had left for university. He did have slight emotions to them at the first couple of months but then realized that their job was done, and now it was his. Jason was convinced that he had a role in his life and there was nothing he could do to change it, so he just let it be. He was always gliding at a steady pace, never trying his best or doing his worst. When Jason first started account he was appointed as junior accountant assistant, and was offered the spot junior accountant the next day after as the previous junior assistant was murdered. The only reason Jason was asked for the job was that everyone in the department refused to take the job.
Jason thought the reason was because they thought the job was hunted or cursed somehow, but actually they turned down the job because they knew their assistance would be Jason Polimer. Jason was considered the dullest and solemnest person in the building. He has never been awarded the employee of the month, never. The others in the offices made jokes about him but he showed not the slighted bit of embarrassment or annoyance.

Jason opened his eyes and noticed that he had dozed off for a bit curled under his blanket. He threw the blanket away from his face and fumbled for the lamp in the darkness. He clicked open the lamp and the squinted trying to make out what time it were from the clock. It became clearer after he put on his glasses and read seven O'clock. He calmly stood up, bathed, shaved, dressed and did everything possible a man can do to get ready for work. After triple checking he didn’t miss anything he when over to the right sight of the room where the kitchen was. Jason didn't think it was necessary to have a big apartment, he always said to people "One person, half a room". In fact, the last time Jason checked his bank account was the day he got the job. Whenever he would withdraw cash and got a receipt he would always ignore where it said his balance. Rumors spread around that he was a millionaire and he wasn’t aware of it, but Jason really didn’t get the point. He would always mock in his mind. A millionaire? It's not like I can buy a new pair of emotions?
In the kitchen Jason Polimer made a perfectly cooked piece of bacon and two delicious eggs. He let them sizzle for exactly one minute and thirty-two seconds on the dinner table before he slowly ate it, piece by piece. He felt the small pieces crawl down his esophagus and setting place in his stomach. For some people would enjoy that warm feeling, but he thought it was very unpleasant. When he was finally done he left the house and wrote his slightly rusty bicycle to work. It took ten minutes, and he reached there at nine sharp just before the senior accountant came to Jason's spotless desk. He started his work for a couple his seconds until the senior accountant passed by. Jason greeted the senior accountant ungratefully and continued with his work, but he was interrupted again. A beautiful medium built woman stood in front of him both a little worried and confused. Her hair was a soft brown color that was held back awkwardly with a clip, and her face was as innocent as an angel. A lock of her dark hair was drenched and seemed strange, but for Jason if was even sexier. She wore a slightly tight skirt to her knees and light pink blouse that was fabulous on her. She wasn’t the most attractive girl, but she was still beautiful.
Jason jaw was hanging as he stared at her for a few moments from head to toe. Suddenly he felt something soft and invisible pierce his back and a big iron ball plunge down his throat that landed at the pit of his stomach. He wasn’t sure what it was but he was positive it was an emotion. He sat there staring at the woman and caught a glimpse by the corner of his eye of a baby with wings holding a bow flying by. All I can say is this that this was the first time Jason Polimer had the slightest emotion similar to Love.
Last edited by Atrevido on Thu Jan 21, 2010 5:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible. This I did. -- T.E Lawrence




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Thirty year old Jason Polimer awoke slowly, grumbling as he did. He turned over to the left side of his bed and slowly lowered his foot towards the tiled floor. His big toe touched the ground first and immediately his whole leg shot up. Curled under his old tattered blanket Jason quickly went over of all the things he would do today. It didn’t take long because Jason Polimer had been doing exactly the same thing everyday for eight painfully boring years. All emotions were rarely used expect for pain and sorrow, but Jason learned to cope without Happiness, although it was extremely necessary.


The use of "of" between "over" and "all" makes the sentence confusing. And instead of "All" maybe it would work better for you if you used "Many" :?

Eight years ago after Jason Polimer graduated from university. He had gotten his first job, and it was in one of the most unknown banks in New York. The Bank's difficult name just couldn't stay in Jason's memory; all he knew was that it was between the 23rd and 24th Avenue.


The words in red I added myself. And there is really no need for "the" unless you meant to follow it with, "23rd and 24th Avenues."

Jason Polimer was an old child and had never seen his parents for twelve years, ever since he had left for university. He did have slight emotions to them at the first couple of months but then realized that their job to take care of him was done, and now it was his. Jason was convinced that he had a role in his life and there was nothing he could do to change it, so he just let it be. He was always gliding at a steady pace, never trying his best or doing his worst. When Jason first started accounting he was appointed as junior accountant assistant, and was offered the spot junior accountant the next day after, as the previous junior assistant was murdered. The only reason Jason was asked for the job was that everyone in the department refused to take the job.


Perhaps change, "had never" to "hadn't" :?:
And also, "He did have slight emotions to them" to "He did have a slight attachment to them"
And again the things in red I added. Don't worry, you'll have a lot of people doing the same. It's not just me.
:D

Jason thought the reason was because they thought the job was haunted or cursed somehow, but actually they turned down the job because they knew their assistance would be Jason Polimer. Jason was considered the dullest and solemnest person in the building. He has never been awarded the employee of the month, never. The others in the offices made jokes about him, but he showed not the slighted bit of embarrassment or annoyance.


The things in red I added. And about the blue, instead of "he showed not" maybe you could use something like, "he never hinted at" or, "he never showed" Of course since you are the writer you can do whatever you want.

Jason opened his eyes and noticed that he had dozed off for a bit curled under his blanket. He threw the blanket away from his face and fumbled for the lamp in the darkness. He clicked open the lamp and the squinted trying to make out what time it were from the clock. It became clearer after he put on his glasses, and read seven O'clock. He calmly stood up, bathed, shaved, dressed and did everything possible a man can do to get ready for work. After triple checking he didn’t miss anything he when over to the right sight of the room where the kitchen was. Jason didn't think it was necessary to have a big apartment, he always said to people "One person, half a room". In fact, the last time Jason checked his bank account was the day he got the job. Whenever he would withdraw cash and got a receipt he would always ignore where it said his balance. Rumors spread around that he was a millionaire and he wasn’t aware of it, but Jason really didn’t get the point. He would always mock himself in his mind. A millionaire? It's not like I can buy a new pair of emotions?


I added the things in red, and the things and blue are obvious mistakes I'm sure you know perfectly well how to fix those. And, I could be wrong, but I don't see any need for a question mark at the end of the paragraph. :smt004

In the kitchen Jason Polimer cooked a perfectly cooked piece of bacon, and two delicious eggs. He let them sizzle for exactly one minute and thirty-two seconds on the dinner table before he slowly ate it, piece by piece. He felt the small pieces crawl down his esophagus and setting place in his stomach. For some people would enjoy that warm feeling, but he thought it was very unpleasant. When he was finally done he left the house and wrote his slightly rusty bicycle to work. It took ten minutes, and he reached there at nine sharp just before the senior accountant came to Jason's spotless desk. He started his work for a couple his seconds until the senior accountant passed by. Jason greeted the senior accountant ungratefully and continued with his work, but he was interrupted again. A beautiful medium built woman stood in front of him both a little worried and confused. Her hair was a soft brown color that was held back awkwardly with a clip, and her face was as innocent as an angel. A lock of her dark hair was drenched and seemed strange, but for Jason if was even sexier. She wore a slightly tight skirt to her knees and light pink blouse that was fabulous on her. She wasn’t the most attractive girl, but she was still beautiful.


In the beginning you used the word, "cooked" twice in one sentence. Not a good thing. You could easily substitute the second cooked for something like "crispiest"
And the things in blue are obvious errors. And about the green and orange things I found particularly odd, perhaps you should look into those and see how you would improve them.


Jason jaw was hanging as he stared at her for a few moments from head to toe. Suddenly he felt something soft and invisible pierce his back, and a big iron ball plunged down his throat that landed at the pit of his stomach. He wasn’t sure what it was, but he was positive it was an emotion. He sat there staring at the woman and caught a glimpse by the corner of his eye of a baby with wings holding a bow flying by. All I can say is this that this was the first time Jason Polimer had the slightest emotion similar to Love.


As always the things in red I added, and about the ending... so you as the author are the narrator. Because really using the word "I" in a third person book is just strange, especially since it was revealed so abruptly. And since you have already incorporated a Cupid, are you going to be adding anymore fantasy elements? Because I think a Fantasy story in a business setting is cool. Great job, and welcome to the YoungWritersSociety! We hope you enjoy your stay. We will help you every step of the way! :mrgreen:
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26




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Hey Ahmed! Here as requested.

I'm just going to go over some points with you.

Characters:

Jason:

Gosh, this guy is boring. And by boring, I mean pretty lifeless. Now, I know that this is technically the point of the story, but it doesn't make for nice reading. What you want to be able to do it to describe his boringness without making the story boring. To be honest, it's kind of impossible for Jason to be this dull. Everyone, and I mean everyone, feels more emotions than what you have described. Perhaps he squashes them? Maybe he ignores his emotions? But whatever you decide, you need to give the guy just a little bit more life than this.

Everyone Else:

Ok, so if you've got this extremely dull guy, why not make other characters in the book more interesting? So, instead of just saying that people giggled at him, why not show is that by having two office girls laugh as he walks into the building? It makes the story much more real.

Plot:

emotion?

Sorry to say this, but it seems kind of boring. At the moment, there's really nothing going on. The way you write it sounds kind of detached, which adds to the bland feeling here. I mean, sure, you've got love at the end. But there's nothing really. The problem is that emotions make a story real for a reader. If you write with no emotion about a character with no emotion, there's a problem. And I understand that the point of your story is that this guy is dull (at least now, anyway) but it just ... isn't fun to read.

What's happening?

Well ... nothing's happening. And that's kind of the point. But, I don't know, that means that there's not much of a plot. Oh, I'm repeating myself, I think.

Overall:

Basically, it seems kind of dull. What I would do, if I were you, is change the way you write it. What you're doing at the moment is telling us the story of his very boring day in kind of great detail. We don't want to know that much, not really. Why not focus on some major points of his day, such as the routine, and skip out boring parts. Plus, a lot of it feels like a kind of info dump. We don't need to know his entire past now. It's much better if you casually work it into the story so that the information flows naturally rather than hitting the reader in the face? And then work on some characterisation. Bring the characters, even the boring and background characters, to life. Characters make a story, you know.

Hope this helps! If you have any questions then just PM me!

~Amy
"It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."

-Spock.


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Thanks for the reveiws! Amy i wanted to show the reader how lifeless and boring Jason is, this is only 1 chapter, you have no idea what else was going to happen later.

Can you tell me how to use the storybooks section.. its pretty confusing.
The dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible. This I did. -- T.E Lawrence




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Hey there Ahmed! I'd like to say, that I liked this story. And you have a knack for detail.

I really liked the detail you put into everything, but maybe in some cases, it made it a bit boring. Maybe you could lighten it up a bit with some more emotions, or feelings. If he's so bored, go into the actual feeling, rather than just saying is life was dull and boring.

I seemed to notice, that you did a little more telling than showing, and I think you should switch that around. Maybe have more dialogue? and instead of saying he thought this, and he thought that, actually put in his exact thoughts.

The ending was a bit cliche, but cliche isn't always bad. The ending was a lot more interesting than the rest of the story too, and that's because you have described more about his actual emotions.

I liked it! Good job, and thanks for posting this!

Keep Writing. :D

~Mo.
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Thanks Mo! Love the reveiw! Yeppers Peppers! lo0ol!
The dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible. This I did. -- T.E Lawrence




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O_o Well, while everyone's said it for me all, I am going to review, so here it is. I will say this - your knack for detail is something I admire, so well done. Keep up the good work.

But...some of your grammar mistakes are jarring, so I suggest you fix those. Also, your language is passive rather than active. While you may have intended to portray Jason as a boring person, your reader is reading the story, and will get bored with the idea of the story itself, quickly. Not to mention that the paragraphs are all clumped together, which makes it heavy on the eyes. I suggest you fix these errors immediately.

I don't expect to sound too harsh compared to Amy up there, soo...hehe.

Robyn.
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Hey, here I am with my promised review! So, I'd correct you on grammar, but it looks like that's been caught by other reviewers. I'll go on to tense. You skip around so much! You can't say: he opened the drawer and takes out a red shirt. (I made that up)
You have to say something like: He opened the drawer and took out a red shirt
or
He opens the drawer and takes out a red shirt, but preferably the first one.

In terms of characters, I agree with Aqua. Jason is really lifeless. Although maybe that's what you wanted... I dunno. I'll read your other parts. While there's lots of improvement needed, this was a decent start. Keep working on it!

--Dreamy :elephant: :mrgreen:
Last edited by ToritheMonster on Mon Jan 25, 2010 8:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Well then Dreamy, thanks for helping me realize what i was doing. I'll get reviewing as soon as i can.
The dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible. This I did. -- T.E Lawrence




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You're welcome.
Honey, you should see me in a crown.




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I dunno, my comp has issues and I have to repost the same review you'll see if you scroll up. Here it is:

Hey, here I am with my promised review! So, I'd correct you on grammar, but it looks like that's been caught by other reviewers. I'll go on to tense. You skip around so much! You can't say: he opened the drawer and takes out a red shirt. (I made that up)
You have to say something like: He opened the drawer and took out a red shirt
or
He opens the drawer and takes out a red shirt, but preferably the first one.

In terms of characters, I agree with Aqua. Jason is really lifeless. Although maybe that's what you wanted... I dunno. I'll read your other parts. While there's lots of improvement needed, this was a decent start. Keep working on it!

--Dreamy :elephant: :mrgreen:
Honey, you should see me in a crown.



A beautiful funeral doesn't guarantee Heaven.
— Haitian Proverb