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Last edited by napalmerski on Sat Nov 06, 2010 5:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
Robert Howard




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It's a very interesting story and the concept is fairly novel. I thought the dialogue was written well, and the character descriptions were well done as well. Overall, a good piece of work.

That's not to say, though, that it doesn't need polishing. There are some issues with it. For one, you say the kid is 12, but he seems remarkably self-aware for his age. While there are plenty of exceptionally intelligent 12 year olds, they usually aren't so well aware of the world as this character is. Fourteen or 15 years old would be better.

The city is described as being 500,000 people big. That is big, but 500,000 people these days is getting to be a small number. You should describe the city as being a bustling metropolis of millions of people (or tens of millions). Half-a-million just isn't that rare.

There's also some lines that I think just don't work. Like this one:
I was surprised to hear this coming from him. I had already gotten used that “booty” was used in the city to describe female asses, and the older pirate meaning – “treasure taken away from their rightful owners”, was all but forgotten.


None of that sentence makes contextual sense. Anyone with a radio knows how 'booty' is used, and I have trouble believing he'd even bother to think about the old pirate meaning. You make the 12 year old sound like a stuffy intellectual without an ounce of common sense rather than a 12 year old. The entire part should just be replaced with something like, "I didn't understand what he meant until I looked inside."




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Thanx for the review Nate!
Half a million is not the population of the city, but the example of the most populated town where he's ever been. Before. I didn't make it quite clear, I know.
About the boy, yeah, I hoped mentioning a 'special school' would allow me to get away with him being a stuffy intelectual not quite aware of some everyday things. Almost but not quite hehe.
Thanx a lot for the kind words.
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
Robert Howard



Never use your shield as a dinner plate, for that is when the enemy is most likely to attack.
— The KotGR Commander