Monster - part 2

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Okay, so here is part two of my short story! I've been trying to keep the posts relatively short, as I know that anything longer than a thousand words becomes overwhelming for me to try and review. ;) Also, there isn't anything to worry about in this post (violence/gruesomeness-wise), which is why it's changed so dramatically from an 18 rating to and E. :)

Anyways, thanks for reading! :D


Monster, part two

His home was hidden from most of the world, deep in the forest. No one knew about it, since no one knew about the man who lived in it. He was a nondescript human being with no real purpose in life other than to live it until death claimed him. No wife, no children, no other living companion. Just him, alone in the woods, where some murderer was now running rampant.

The deaths had started less than a month ago. Campers, vacationers, hikers, all had fallen prey to this unknown menace. Our hero had somehow survived, though. He owed the mystery to his years of expertise. He had discovered all the secrets of the woods; thus, he knew where the safest places to hide were. So far, he had gone undetected.

“But how much longer can it last?” he wondered.

Not answering his own question, he stopped before an especially thick growth of tangled, thorny bushes. He glanced around keenly, his eyes and ears alert. But there was nothing of the unusual, and he plunged through, not minding the scratches and stings he was getting. Once through the thick wall of thorns, he crawled swiftly through the little tunnel that was hidden cleverly underneath a large rock. His head came up from the other end, and he looked around the small, almost cave like, interior of his home. He had covered the open spots with wood, so that it gave it more of a cabin feel.

“I’ve had enough of this,” he announced as he heaved himself up. “Having to use the back door all the time.” He stomped over to the corner where his diminishing supply of bandages and first-aid equipment was stashed and began to clean a particularly nasty scrape he had received from a thorn that had been most unwilling to loosen its hooked point from his flesh.

As he swabbed his skin, he thought about the idea that had been growing in his mind for a while. He knew it had to be done, but he was loath to bring himself to a final decision. Once he said it, he would be obliged to keep the resolution. He was not the type to go back on his word.

Taking a deep breath, he glanced up at the ceiling of his home and announced, “Tomorrow, I go hunting.”
It was out there now, in the open. There was no rescinding the statement. He glanced at the walls, where many different racks of guns and knives were hanging.

“Tomorrow, I’m going to track that thing, whatever it is.”

After coming to the decision, it was as if a weight had lifted from his shoulders. Suddenly noticing that he was hungry, he chopped some meat up from the little ice-pantry and cooked it. He eagerly set to eating with the wolfish hunger of a man who had been working all day.

Afterwards, since there really wasn’t much else to do, he double-checked the fortifications around his cave; locks and bars were all in place, and he retired to his bed.

The image of the mangled corpse came back to him, and he frowned, trying to think of something more soothing. But the only other thing that would come to mind was the cave he had found, over a month ago. That horrific place, where he had discovered that maybe nightmares do come to life.
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Hello. I kinda feel weird commenting on this. Your work is quite a bit better than mine so I sortof feel like the kindergartner teaching the teacher or something. So that being said I will go ahead and tell you what I think even if I am totally wrong.Oh by the way I have not read the first part but I am planning on it soon as I post this.
His home was hidden from most of the world, deep in the forest

Okay that was a very catchy opening line. Good job I would not have laid this book down in disgust.
Our hero had somehow survived, though. He owed the mystery to his years of expertise
I'm kinda unsure about this sentence. The way it's worded caught me off guard and I had to read it twice to understand what it meant. Course it could just be me.
Once through the thick wall of thorns, he crawled swiftly through the little tunnel that was hidden cleverly underneath a large rock. His head came up from the other end, and he looked around the small, almost cave like, interior of his home

Under the rock? Must have been a very large rock. Did he move it to get through? What does it mean that his head came up at the other end? Almost cave like, is it not a cave? These questions came to mind when I read this I just feel you could fill us in just a little more. Not to much though just a little.
The image of the mangled corpse came back to him, and he frowned, trying to think of something more soothing

I don't know for sure I am by no means an expert with those friggen commas but I think that maybe you don't need one after him. Don't quote me on that though.

All in all it's a very interesting story so far. I would diffently read it. Your main character also comes across very strong which is very good and I like your descriptions, almost makes me feel like i'm standing in that super creepy forest. Great job :D
Keira




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Hey there, thanks for the review! Sorry it took me so long to get back to this, I forgot I had posted part two, actually. :oops:

Anyways, I know that the description of his home is lacking a lot. I really didn't have much pictured as I was writing it, so it came out in my writing.

I think you're right about that comma; sometimes I get a little too punctuation-happy. ;)

Thank you so much for your review! I really appreciate it! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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I do envy your writing skill.
Much like the last time I found nothing wrong.
Description was very good, writing was amazing like a pro writer
to be honest. It was really short but that won't matter
to anyone who reads it :lol:




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Here I am, the Insane Writer. :smt059

His home was hidden from most of the world, deep in the forest. No one knew about it, since no one knew about the man who lived in it. He was a nondescript human being with no real purpose in life other than to live it until death claimed him. No wife, no children, no other living companion. Just him, alone in the woods, where some murderer was now running rampant.


Doesn't that kind of spoil the surprise? Because, when I think of a, "murderer" I think about a human. How about, "killer" :?:

The deaths had started less than a month ago. Campers, vacationers, hikers, all had fallen prey to this unknown menace. Our hero had somehow survived, though. He owed the mystery to his years of expertise. He had discovered all the secrets of the woods; thus, he knew where the safest places to hide were. So far, he had gone undetected.


That is much better. :D But, that is contradicted by the word, "murderer" in the first paragraph.

“But how much longer can it last?” he wondered.


If he wondered why is the question in quotation marks? It sounds like he thought it, so it would be better if it were in italics.
The image of the mangled corpse came back to him, and he frowned, trying to think of something more soothing. But the only other thing that would come to mind was the cave he had found, over a month ago. That horrific place, where he had discovered that maybe nightmares do come to life.


It sounds like he did discover that they did come true. So, why did you use that, "maybe nightmares do come to life." :?:

Over all: Great story, but I did not like the way the first two paragraphs contradicted each other. That's no big issue though. After all, you just need to change one word and everything will work out smoothly.
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26




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“I’ve had enough of this,” he announced as he heaved himself up. “Having to use the back door all the time.” He stomped over to the corner where his diminishing supply of bandages and first-aid equipment was stashed and began to clean a particularly nasty scrape he had received from a thorn that had been most unwilling to loosen its hooked point from his flesh.


Wait, first he doesn't care about "all the scratches and stings he was getting" and then he's taking the time to fix them? That seems like a big waste of time to me, but anyways...

His home was hidden from most of the world, deep in the forest. No one knew about it, since no one knew about the man who lived in it. He was a nondescript human being with no real purpose in life other than to live it until death claimed him. No wife, no children, no other living companion. Just him, alone in the woods, where some murderer was now running rampant.

The deaths had started less than a month ago. Campers, vacationers, hikers, all had fallen prey to this unknown menace. Our hero had somehow survived, though. He owed the mystery to his years of expertise. He had discovered all the secrets of the woods; thus, he knew where the safest places to hide were. So far, he had gone undetected.


I feel like you could definitely find a way to show us this * says in tiny, tiny voice: Show, don't tell! * yeah, yeah, I know you've heard that before. And it's true, so follow it. XD.

Instead of just saying "lots and lots of people have died" show the suspence. Maybe he's watching his shoulder nervously, or maybe he's recounting the grisly scene he witnessed that morning in his head, etc. etc.

Also, the character itself seems to talk to himself quite a bit. I actually like this, if it stays consistent and is his way of coping with being alone all the time, but it does feel a little lazy to me.

But other than that, I feel like going and reading the next bit!

Hope this helps a little bit. ;)

Lupis



It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small.
— Neil Armstrong