Mrs Jones - Chapter 11

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1550
Reviews 25
Hey.
Sorry, for being really late. I've just written a bit and forgotten to post it =( Well, here it is. I hope you like it, please review! =)

Love, Liz xx


CHAPTER ELEVEN:
GOOD NEWS

“Finally!” Katie grabbed Amanda’s arm as soon as she had walked over the threshold, and started pulling her in to the living room. Amanda turned to David as she followed Katie and he mirrored Amanda’s feelings; Confusion, and a slight wonder if Katie had gone crazy.
“Won’t you let me get in first?” Amanda asked with a little smile on her lips.
Katie faced Amanda and David. “Alright,” she sighed, “but hurry up would you?” she added impatiently, as she grinned back.
“What is the rush anyways, Katie?” David asked her as he pulled off his blue rain coat.
Katie smiled so widely that Amanda wondered for a second if she had started taking “happy-pills”.
Amanda hung her coat over David’s at the end of the stair-railing, as Katie grabbed both Amanda’s and David’s hands and dragged them in to the living room.
The Twins sat in the big sofa and looked every bit as puzzled as Amanda and David. Clearly they had just been told to sit down and wait for Amanda and David. Lucas on the other hand looked just as smiley as his girlfriend did, and stood up when they entered. As Amanda and David sat down he walked over to Katie, gave her a little kiss and took her hand as they faced the other four.
“So are you ever gonna tell us, or…?” Matt broke the exciting silence.
Katie and Lucas looked at each other and both of them smiled broadly. Amanda looked at Katie’s left hand – no ring.
So she wasn’t engaged…
“Well, um…” Katie began and her eyes went from Lucas to Amanda, as she stroked her belly gently.
Amanda instantly knew what the big news was and slapped a hand over her mouth as she realized it. Katie beamed at her as she saw her best friend figuring it out.
“No, you’re not??!” Amanda asked as a broad smile turned up on her face.
Katie nodded silently. Amanda got up and almost jumped on Katie as she gave Katie and Lucas a big hug each. “Congratulations!!” she said as she turned back to Katie and put her hand on her stomach, and sure enough, there was a little bump that she hadn’t noticed before.
“Thanks,” she answered silently.
The boys sat just as puzzled watching them in the sofa. “So, what is it you are all smiley-miley, screamy-weamy for?” Matt asked.
Amanda let go of Katie’s stomach and gestured towards it instead.
“Yeah,” Matt said, “so, she’s got a new cool type of tummy-bug?” he asked hesitantly.
Amanda and Katie rolled their eyes at them. You could put Matt in the middle of the ocean and he still wouldn’t see it! Marcus on the other hand looked a little more enlightened.
“How did I get such a doofus as a brother?” he asked as he smacked his brother’s head and headed to hug Katie. Everyone smiled at the question apart from Matt, who looked just as blank as he had done a minute before. Amanda noticed that David looked like he had a suspicion. He caught Amanda’s eye and she nodded while she smiled at him, hiding the fact that her stomach had made a double summersault as he had caught her eyes.
He got up as well. “You’re pregnant?”
Katie nodded proudly.
“Yes, she is!” Lucas looked like he was about to explode with joy.
“Oh,” Matt said as it hit him and everybody turned to face him. “But she can’t be pregnant…”
“Why’s that?” Katie asked.
“Well, you’re not fat!”
Marcus rolled her eyes at him. “Matt, you do know that it’s the baby growing inside…”
Matt stuck his tongue out at him. “You know what I mean!”
Katie beamed at him. “I know, Matt. There’s not much of a bump yet, you’re right about that, but thank you for saying I’m not fat.”
Matt looked triumphantly at his brother as he too got up and hugged the parents to be.

-

“I still can’t believe you have a baby in there.” Amanda almost squeaked as she held her hand on Katie’s stomach for the zillionth time.
The boys had decided to take Lucas out for a drink or two to celebrate the baby-news and had left Amanda and Katie in the kitchen sipping on a cup of hot chocolate each. They both knew it would be a long time until they saw the boys again and when they did show up they would be stumbling, drunk and failing to not wake the girls up at 3 am in the morning.
“I know.” Katie smiled proudly as she put her feet up on an empty chair. “I’m actually gonna be a mum.”
Amanda grabbed her cup and smiled at Katie. “I need to find a man as well and get going myself now; I always thought I’d get a baby first.”
“Ah, honey, you still have a while though. I am a couple of years older than you, you know, so technically you can still have a baby before me.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right about that.” Amanda laughed, and then she sighed and smiled up at Katie again. “So, aren’t you gonna ask me something?”
Katie looked puzzled. “Am I?”
“’Cause he’s more than welcome to!!” Amanda said excitedly.
“Who is, honey?” She took a sip from her cup. “What are you talking about?”
“Lucas of course!” Amanda answered. “With the baby and all there’s no reason for you not to move in together. And then we’ll be five in here,” she said excitedly, “with a baby on the way.”
Katie’s face fell a little.
“What?” Amanda asked before she understood what Katie got so sad about. “You’re not moving in here are you?”
Katie opened her mouth and then closed it. Amanda tried to hold down the lump that was rising in her throat.
Katie opened her mouth again. “No, Mandy, we’re not…”
Amanda looked down. She felt her eyes stinging with the tears that pressed. Katie was moving out, then the Twins were sure to follow and she’d be left alone.
“Honey,” Katie took Amanda’s hand and stroked it, “you didn’t think I’d live here forever?”
Amanda looked up and a few tears ran down her cheeks. She shrugged. “I dunno…” she said hopelessly. “ I guess I just assumed that it would be easier for Luc to move in here than for you guys to get a house of your own…”
“Awh, you poor thing! You know, maybe we would, if we weren’t expecting a baby. But we want to settle down. I’m not moving out because I don’t want to live with you anymore!”
Amanda nodded. “Good, because I’m really gonna miss you!”
Katie dried away Amanda’s tears and hugged her. “I’m gonna miss you too!”
As they broke apart Amanda could see that Katie was crying too. Katie laughed as she dried her own tears. “Ah, this is stupid. It’s not like I’m moving tomorrow.”
Amanda laughed as well. “Well, at least you can blame it on the hormones!”
“Oh, yeah, I can! Brilliant.” Katie giggled.
Amanda’s giggle faded away and Katie saw her face look all sad again. “Honey, what is it?”
“I dunno…” Amanda sobbed. “Everyone’s leaving me…”
“What do you mean everyone’s leaving you? Are the Twins moving out?”
Amanda sighed. “Not that I know of, but I don’t doubt that they will. First David then you…”
“Awh,” Katie stroked Amanda’s arm, “this isn’t really about me, is it? It’s about David right?”
Amanda looked up at her best friend, realizing that what she just said was true. Of course she was sad about Katie leaving, but she never expected her to live here forever. She knew how serious Katie and Lucas was, and was surprised it had taken them this long to decide to move in together.
Amanda threw her arms up into nothing. “You may be right. I’m gonna miss you loads, but…” Amanda burst into tears and hid her face in her hands.
Katie quickly hugged her tight and rocketed her back and forth. “Honey, I know. But he moved out years ago, why is this coming now?”
Amanda sobbed an answer that wasn’t audible. Katie held her at arms length. “Honey, I can’t make out what you are saying when you are sobbing into my shoulder.”
Amanda dried her tears and cleared her throat. “I said, I don’t know. I’m just so confused and messed up inside!”
She burst out in tears again, and Katie held her tight in her arms.
“It’s gonna be alright, baby girl. Come on lets snuggle up in the sofa, ‘ey? And you tell me what’s up with you.”
Amanda shook her head. “No, I shouldn’t be ruining your happy day. I’m so sorry for that!”
“Honey,” Katie said, stroking her hair, “I’m your best friend and I care about you oh-so-much, and when you are sad it makes me sad. So, do as I say, OK?”
Amanda moved out of Katie’s arms and nodded with a little smile on her lips. “OK, boss…”

Amanda sat with her feet under her chin, a blanket wrapped tightly around her. In the sofa beside her Katie mirrored her, with one hand over her stomach.
“Go on. What’s up with you and David? You guys are so close…”
Amanda’s chest rose and she breathed heavily before she answered. “I think that just might be it. We’re too close, or not close enough.” Amanda tried to shake off a few tears that were threatening to erupt. They won and rolled down her cheeks. “I just don’t get him! One minute he’s all ‘We’ll be together forever’ and ‘I’ll never leave you’ the next he’s moving out and now he’s engaged but…”
“…sleeping with you?” Katie finished.
“Yeah…?” Amanda looked at her questionably.
“He told the Twins who told me, when he stormed out the house looking for you.” She answered. “I’m sorry honey. He was way outta line…”
Amanda cut her off. “Well, I let him! Stupid little me let him. I knew he wouldn’t leave Evelyn. Still some part of me, probably the alcohol part thought I had ‘won’ for some reason. I’m so stupid!”
“No you are not!” Katie said defending her. “You…” she began. “You love him don’t you?”
Amanda shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Awh, come on! I can see it for miles.”
“Katie, of course I do! I always have, I just don’t see why he needed to get engaged before I understood it! I just…” she hesitated. “I just never thought he’d move out and leave me here. I thought he loved me like he always says he does.”
“Honey, I know he loves you! You know that too, maybe not in the way you want him to, but he still loves you!”
Amanda looked at her in disbelief and grunted.
“Honey, how is he supposed to know that when you haven’t told him?”
Amanda looked down at her hands that were twined together. “I just thought he knew. We’ve been best friends since forever! And somehow I guess I thought we were in this lame chick flick where we’d magically end up together somehow!”
Amanda was mad at herself for making herself believe that David loved her too. In that way at least. She shook her head.
“Should I tell him?” she asked Katie quietly.
“No, honey. I really don’t think you shall…”
Amanda sat up straight, putting her feet on the floor and slapping her thighs. “But he should know. Then maybe…”
Katie cut her off. “Maybe what? He’ll leave Evelyn and move back in with you?” She snapped. “Honey,” she added in a calmer voice as she saw tears building up in Amanda’s eyes, “I don’t think it’ll make a difference. I’m sorry, but haven’t you seen how happy he is with her?”
“Yes.” Amanda admitted. “But still… He’s gotta have some feelings for me, he cares!”
“Of course he does, like you said, you’ve been best friends forever! But if he had seen you as anything else don’t you think he would’ve made a move already?”
Amanda thought about this for a brief second. “He may not have realized it.”
“Yeah,” Katie agreed. “But I wouldn’t bet on it...”
Amanda sat back, calmer now. “Yeah, I guess you are right. But I still think he should know. He deserves to know…”
“OK, look; I’ll give you this: He might be head over heels in love with you too and he’ll dump Evelyn and move in with us again. But there’s such a bigger chance of him getting weird and don’t want to see you or Evelyn finding out and don’t want him to see you! You see that right? I would never have let Lucas meet with someone who said she was in love with him, not even if it was his best friend!”
Amanda smirked at her, a smile finally appearing on her face.
“That would be weird considering his best friend is the Twins’ older brother… But, hey…” she put her hands up defensively, “…you’ll never know who’ll surprise ya.”
Katie rolled her eyes and threw a pillow at Amanda. “You know what I mean! You wouldn’t allow it either.”
Amanda sighed again, calming herself. “I guess.” She put her hands over her face as she tilted it backwards. “I’m so stupid! Why can’t I just get over him?!”
Katie got up and moved next to her putting one hand around her. “Amanda, you are not stupid! Don’t ever say that. And besides you’ve never let yourself get over him. How long have you had these feelings? Since you were three? Just give yourself time and try to see your relationship from another perspective, maybe you just think you love him-love him.”
Amanda looked up at her best girl friend. “Yeah,” she answered, “maybe…”
“Look, you just try to keep away from any wedding stuff regarding David and Evelyn. And instead you can focus on being the best god mum there ever was!”
Amanda’s face lit up. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
Katie beamed at her. “Yes, would you like to be my baby’s god mum?”
Amanda dried her tears before giving Katie a bear hug, which she returned. “Of course, I will!! Thank you!”
Last edited by heffa89 on Mon Jun 21, 2010 11:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I’ll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I’ve left it with you.

Thinking can save your life, thinking too much can take it away - Tusker93




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4125
Reviews 194
Okay, so I'm trying to be very honest, right? And this is what happens.

I've read the majority of this story. The characters are, for the most part, normal. Ridiculously, painfully, incredibly dully normal. They all talk exactly the same, they all have cliches they spew randomly, they all...no, see, I can't even think anymore. I get too bored.

I mean, I really don't like to be so mean about it, but seriously! It's like watching a sincerely awful sitcom minus the occasionally funny characters/jokes and the laugh-track.

Ohmy. I think I finally understand what I don't like about this story! It is like a bad sitcom! There's no real character development, plenty of cliches, and a long-running sexual tension between two best friends, one who's dating some rich girl that turns out to be not-so-perfect.

Oh wait--that's another cliche.

Miss Heffa, understand, I'm not just some stupid kid who's in a bad mood trying to ruin your life. I'm actually in a rather sunny mood right now, and felt like doing some good. Your story needs work. It could be perfectly good, yes, but there's absolutely zero character development, which acts as a domino effect of doom on dialogue, plotline, etc etc. The conversations make me want to fall asleep, and the trials and tribulations of these people just make me yawn, and sometimes laugh a little.

Do I have any tips? Yeah. All these characters have the potential to be great, realistic people that are lovable, not to mention easy to connect with. Right now, though, they're ugly little cardboard people scribbled on with gaudy markers.

Give Amanda a quirk or two, give her a certain way she speaks, make her weird, or sarcastic, or particularly bitchy. Make the Twins actual individuals, not just bad copies of characters like Fred and George, or multiple other twins you run into while reading books. Maybe make one the hermit-artist, and the other a crazy play-boy partier. Give them faults, so they're human, and then we can love them like we love our friends, or our siblings, or our stupid cousins that occasionally annoy the he--heck out of us.

Like I said, this has great potential, but right now it's merely a shadow, a sketch of an actual, full story. Please, work on it, go over the characters, breathe life into them, like every writer can, if they really put their mind to it.

Good luck, anyways. I'm only being harsh because I know, from experience, that it's a lot better in the long-run than some fake, cheap compliments.

PM me when you revise it, if you revise it. And like I said, good luck, Miss Heffa.

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1272
Reviews 15
Haay honey bunny. You know I lurved MJ :D

But one thing annoyed me. Sela, I know that your goal was to help but it sounded rather mean to me. All I'm saying is, if the stories on yws didnt need work, and Amanda was the most amazing character to ever grace the web (i think she's pretty brill) then Mj would be published. I love this story ... so that might make me a little bias, but of course it needs work, every story on this site needs work. Thats the beauty of it. We're all young writers, that help each other. And its beacuse of people like you that have perfectly good points, but say it in such a horrid way, that people dont feel comfortable posting there stuff. Next time just go a little easy ok.

Anyway...
Keep up the good work babe. xxxx

Em.
Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop. - the king from alice in wonderland.
We'er all mad here.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4125
Reviews 194
Miss Em, allow me to be honest, please?

It's called being harsh. As you can see multiple times during my review, I say that I know that I'm not being super-sweet and covering everything in sugar, but that's only because I know she has potential and she'll never reach it if all she gets is "Omg, I loved it, lyk, soooooo much! All the characterz are totly amazing, keep up teh good work hun!1"

But I don't want to argue. Congratulations, you have an opinion, and I admire your ability to stick with it, but fortunately, so do I.

Live long and prosper. \\//

-SELA

P.S. Oh, and merely to help along your points, I'd suggest re-reading your entry once or twice before you post it...that way it's much easier to take you seriously than when you seem to not know the difference between their and there.
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 11542
Reviews 426
Emma, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Please do not critique another member's critique. If you feel something was inappropriate, then contact a mod.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1550
Reviews 25
Guys, no fights. This is supposed to be a good place to be remember?

Bluepetra - Thank you for your kind words. You have no idea how much it means to me that people actually like what I love doing!! I hope to see it published too.

SELA - I know you mean well, but to be honest it does sound a lil mean and I know loads of talented young writers that don't dare to post on here because they are afraid to be slaughtered. I know, everyone's entitled to their own opinion and I thank you for yours. Critisism is needed for progress. And you are right, if all I heard was awh you are awesome blahblah I would get a big head and think I was the master of the universe, but please, to all of you, don't go attacking each other...

As EmmaJ said it's called Young Writers Society and if I thought that my first draft was totally awesome and nothing could be fixed I'd send it to be publishes right now!
So please stop fighting and personal attacking each other. We're all in the same place Young Writers... I hate to see people fight:P lol

Thanks to all of you! I love the people who love this, and those are the ones I'm writing it for and SELA if you don't like it... Too bad. I can't make everyone happy. I'm just pleased to have the ones loving this read it and enjoying it. And I adore them. Yes i need critisism, help, hints, tips... In the end it's my story and if you don't like it don't read it. If you like it but think it needs improving tell me, and don't kill me. I mean, I can take it I don't care really, but clearly others do.

Wow, long reply. But I think I have said all there is and thank you to all who's reading this. I truly appreciate the time you spend on it !! And for those kind an brave enought to leave their thoughts behind Gracias!

Love, Liz!
I’ll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I’ve left it with you.

Thinking can save your life, thinking too much can take it away - Tusker93



I tell the neophyte: Write a million words–the absolute best you can write, then throw it all away and bravely turn your back on what you have written. At that point, you’re ready to begin.
— David Eddings