The Truth She Told Me

The rain relieves some of my pain
of a million tries that went in vain
the smell of the mud
the fall of the bud
the raincoats walking, wipers wiping
my moist eyes, skies falling
the slip of the child, his mother's hand
dusting his jacket, wiping the sand
scolding slightly, he understands
then my broken smile, and my salty cheeks
the moment when I couldn't speak
the smell of past years gripping me
and the fading away of my smile
my looking at that child
and getting out of breath for a while
all this happens deep in layers
of my brain perhaps, deep somewhere
are these true raindrops?
are they real? the tears?

Oh the Truth she told me
when she dusted her child clean
a feeling inborn, unseen

I thought this was a very intiresting poem. Overall I really liked it and the theme. My favorite part was:

then my broken smile, and my salty cheeks
the moment when I couldn't speak
the smell of past years gripping me
and the fading away of my smile

Keep writing!

This was a really good poem. I would like to read more of your work.

This is a really great poem, shoaib. The imagery is very strong, and the emotions conveyed were very powerful. There was one section that did catch me a bit off guard, though, but it was mostly because I misunderstood the lines.

the raincoats walking, wipers wiping
my moist eyes, skies falling

The rest of your poem made me think that the line breaks were 'even', for lack of a better word. When an idea was finished, there was a line break. Here, however, it seems that 'wipers wiping my moist eyes' is an idea of its own. Just a little suggestion, but you could perhaps add punctuation to the end of the line breaks to make it clearer. However, the poem still works seamlessly without it, so you could also find a way to make the two more distinct.

I do like how you subtly 'unweave' the rhyming structure, going from aabb to not that much rhyming near the end. It's very effective. Overall, this was a very good poem, and I enjoyed it very much. Keep writing!

Hey Shoaib!

A decent poem, indeed. I think that the rhyme holds you back a little here, because instead of getting your message out, it seems as if you're trying to rhyme versus tell. I don't think you should; focus on message first, and then see where you can fit rhyme, because if you don't, you end up getting lines that don't actually make the most sense throughout.

Otherwise, I think it's good! Keep it up.

June

Yup, I agree with Juniper. I kinda got lost in the middle and at the end I felt like rereading it as if I missed something. Please make it more clear and easier to understand. Thank you in advance.