Frost Tangible

edited

Antimel,


Some may argue with me, but I do believe you have crafted a wonderful poem here. It's very delicate, soft spoken in both words, structure, and even font size. The small size compliments the poem and reflects the whisper most people often attach to flakes.

I cannot say that this is starkly original. Others have done similar snow-poems, and originality may be the key at times, but here, you pull this all off well. I'm really glad to see that.

Let's have a critique at this:

[[grey, white, black
see how a swirl of lace,
bright against the sky,
spirals down to a cloaked ground,
where it loses its brilliance
when the multitude
of other snowflakes
glitter against it.]]]

Multitude is a word here that I do not like. The sound of it disrupts flow, as your words are mostly composed of sorter letters, soft spoke syllables and this one's harsh -- maybe myriad of other snowflakes, or another word for "a lot" would work better here, dear.

fingers become
entangled in the
trap of a fine
winter day, as
the preying
temperature
takes its toll

I don't like entangled or preyed here -- I see the meaning of both, yes, but I don't like the way either sounds. Preying sounds like it would be a direct attack, when I think a more adequate word to use would describe a general atmosphere.

taste
the mug of
something hot,
something brown,
something good,
something sweet;
your walk
has been long.
the steam
blends
with your breath;
it is winter, after all

Something is repeated much. Perhaps connect those with commas? Oddly enough, in an odd respect, I like that part, though I cannot pinpoint why I do or why I don't.

"Your walk has been long" is out of place, because you're not talking to "us" or "you" until this point- - it's all general! This is kind of a turn and there's not too much room for transition, dear.

I do appreciate your closing. It's pretty.

So! Blip.

Nicely done. You have your rough edges in flow -- some words stop the ebb when it could be open to allow flow and such forth, and I would take it slowly, read through this ,read this aloud, again and over so that you get a genuine feel of what you're saying and what the words are saying.

It's pretty. Very wintry and nice, and I really like the way you executed this. Two thumbs up, and keep writing.

Junie

Hey Rose, the only thing I didn't like was the repetition of this.

the mug of something hot, something brown, something good, something sweet;

It takes away from the poem in my opinion,

and here, fingers become
entwined in the
snare of a fine
winter day, as
the preying
temperature
takes its toll

I don't think entwined is really the right word.

But other then that I think it's really good, you've got a pretty cool style. Keep writing!

Hey there!

I think this is really beautiful. The way you've written it, the way you've presented it, most things about it, are lovely. You've chosen everything perfectly and it all fits together here. I don't think that 'preying temperature' is the right word choice, but that's it really! Well done!

~Amy

Hi Rose! I'm Kat, and I'll be doing a quick review, okay?

So, I really like this. I think you've portrayed winter in a very realistic simple way. This was one of the things that made me like this poem. Several things can be done with this theme, and many points of views can be taken upon, one of the most common being how it's a 'dark' season. I hate that point of a view So I loved how this wasn't like that. My only problem was this, was the description of hot chocolate. I think you gave it too many lines alike for it to work.

Plus, the format was very interesting but the flow was a bit awkward/interrupted at some places. Advice? Read it out loud, those will just pop out!

*clicks like button* Thanks for posting!

This poem is beutiful, and it actually did something for me. I had beeen trying for years to recall some memories from my old home in Texas, and this brought more to me than an hour of thinking. I was actaully in tears from the sheer beauty of it by the end. Keep writing, knowing you have done me a world of good!

Ciao,
Kally

This is great. Your imagery is vivid and interesting; I felt a bit like I was there. What also makes this poem interesting is how you've indented the lines. I like the vocabulary you have used and I can't find fault at all with how you've written it. One thing I will say though is that you've used a smaller than standard font and this is going to make me sound really old, but I found it slightly more difficult to read, so that's something to bear in mind - you want your work to be as accessible as possible. Awesome job, though. I love it.

It is a very beautifully written poem but like Juniper pointed out there are to many somethings. It embodies winter well and the vivid descriptions help the reader feel the iciness of the winter season and all that comes with it. Great job.

Ps. thanks for the review on my poem