Young Writers Society

Hello all, this is just an idea I had. You can nit pick I'm not bothered.
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Grandma,
you meant everything to me,
you were always so lovely.
I remember when we went to the sea,
because Mum and I lived in the city.
I remember what you said to me,
“Lily, this is where I want to be.”
And now Grandma,
You're by the sea.
Your body burns on the beach,
the smoke floats out across the sea,
your ashes are carried away on the breeze.
Everyone is crying, looking up to the sky,
Hoping you're with God in heaven on high.
But all of this is means nothing to me,
because I know how you used to be,
and I remember what you’d sing to me.
“The sea, the sea it means so much to me,
but not as much as you do, Lily."

Lydia, thank you.

My nan, who's 96, is ill at the moment - she's really frail, has lived in a care home for years, and the cold just got to her much worse this year. Which comes with it being the coldest day for 30 years last Friday. So by Sunday morning, we were told she had a couple of days left. She's still alive now, and she's a little better, last I heard, but obviously we're all still really scared for her.

So, thank you. This really meant a lot to me. I can't even nitpick.

~Grin

Hi Lydia! I'm Kat and I'll review your poem, okay?

So, first, a few nit-picks:

Your by the sea.

'Your' is a possessive thing. You mean 'you're', which is the contraction of you and are.

and I remember what you’d sing to me.
“The sea, the sea it means so much to me,
but not as much as you do, Lily.

The repetition of 'me' is a bit awkward and there should be a quotation mark (")at the end of the poem too.

I really liked this. I can see that this must mean a lot to you, since family related poems are always so full of your emotion into it, particularly when it goes into themes likes these. It has nice imagery and description, and as subtle as the emotion may be, it sill is there. So, overall, it is a very good piece ^.^

Thanks for posting, and drop me a PM if you have any questions.
- Kat

I see nothing you could improve, besides to possibly warn people at the top that they'll need tissue.

Cough cough, wow. I practically have nothing to say. I liked it. You're wording was good and it had a nice effect. It really hit me. Great job(honestly).

The only thing I can see that I don't like was how much you used the word Me. It got a little bit annoying but not too much. The other words practically over powered it and it barely even occurred to me.

Very nice write.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.
P.S. My condolences.

Oooh, nice! I like the rhyme. It helps keep that child-like feeling to it which makes this seem so poignant!

Nitpicks!

Grandma,
you meant everything to me.
I remember the time we walked by the sea, <-- For some reason, I would probably add another line in between these two lines... it just seems a bit odd.

I remember what you said to me,
“Lily, this is where I want to be.”
And now Grandma,

Your by the sea. <-- You're, not Your

Your body burns on the beach,
the smoke floats out across the sea,
your ashes are floating away on the breeze. <-- Choose a different word than "floating"... variety is good!

But all of this is means nothing to me,
Because I know how you used to be,
and I remember what you’d sing to me.
“The sea, the sea it means so much to me,
but not as much as you do, Lily. <-- End with a quotation mark.

Nice poem!

Hello!

This was really beautiful and heartfelt; I like these lines:

But all of this is means nothing to me,
because I know how you used to be,

It's good when people see their loved ones off with grace as more of a celebration of their life, which is what I see here.

I really have one nitpick that hasn't been pointed out.

Hoping your with God in heaven on high.

"Your" should be "you're" here.

Other than that, I loved it.

Hey, Lydia!

I'm not sure how much I like the rhyme in this; I feel that there are some things about it that could be improved, because some lines feel like they were thrown in solely for the sake of rhyme, and that brings quality down a notch.

I like the tone of it, the message of it, the softness of your word choice. I think you did a wonderful job, overall, but I'm just not sure how well the current rhyme is doing here.

June

(Keep writing!)