Lady Death 2

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Ok, I've just finished editing this post, hope you appreciate the changes :D

Chapter 2

Noah walked the barely-lit hallways of the orphanage searching for . . . something. What, he wasn’t sure but he was confident the answer would present itself soon. He was careful as he walked for he didn’t want to make any noise that would alert Mr. and Mrs. Price, the orphanage owners, that he was once again prowling the house in the darkest hours of the night.

Noah heard a noise and he froze to the spot. When he was reassured that it was only the normal creaking of the house, he resumed his walking. This house, Price Orphanage, was the third orphanage he’d lived in from the moment of his birth, almost nine years ago. The first two were run by priests and they had ended up washing their hands of him. They had all agreed that Noah was too savage, too unruly. They constantly caught him in fights and automatically assumed that he was the perpetrator. Noah knew their assumptions were unfair. Every time he got into a fight, he was defending the smaller children of the orphanage, the ones who were picked upon and bullied by other, meaner children or sometimes even members of the orphanage. And for some reason, things happened to the bullies in Noah’s presence: they would suddenly collapse to the ground, clutching their chest, gasping for air. Or they’d trip going down the stairs and need immediate medical assistance. Sometimes the perpetrators would simply lose consciousness or start vomiting their last meal.

Noah didn’t know why these things happened around him but they did and he was grateful for the reprieve for it was in those moments that he escaped with the victim of the abuse. Although he had been a hero amongst his brothers at the Orphanage, the priests no longer wanted him among them. And so he was transferred to another catholic Orphanage and stayed there for three years. Finally, they too could no longer stomach Noah and sent him out to Price Orphanage.

Noah stilled again and cocked his ear to listen. Still nothing. The house was five-floors high; the two top floors were occupied by the girls, the two next ones by the boys and the last was the main floor. He had woken up with a start over twenty minutes ago to a painful clenching in his stomach. He'd felt that before and knew what it meant;something bad was happening –or about to happen. He had crept out of his bedroom in his pajama’s, careful not to wake his sleeping roommate. The clenching was getting more painful by the minute but he still hadn’t found the reason for his uneasiness. For the last few nights he’d felt that something was wrong. Every night he had prowled the numerous floors trying to find out what was wrong. The Price’s caught him two nights in a row. He told them he had difficulty sleeping and sometimes walking helped. They seemed to believe him but sent him back to bed anyway. That was why he was being so quiet tonight; he didn’t want to get caught once again. They were nice people and he didn’t want to get in trouble and again be sent away.

This time when Noah heard a noise, he knew it was the source of what had been keeping him awake for the past few nights: a whimper. Mr. Price had five brothers. Out of the five, two agreed to work at the orphanage; they were the boys’ keepers and when their wives followed, they became the girls’ keepers. They made sure peace was upheld, that the children didn’t run in the hallways, got up on time for school and were properly fed and dressed.

When he heard the noise, Noah was standing in front of the youngest Price brother’s room; Alvin.

His heart pounding, Noah turned the doorknob slightly, praying it wouldn’t squeak and give him away. With the flat of his hand, he pushed lightly on it until he was able to stick his head in and glance around. The sight he beheld rooted him to the spot.
A six year old boy named Cole was sitting on a bed in front of Alvin who was naked from the waist down. Because the headboard was leaning against the back wall, the boy and the man were in clear view and Noah saw what they were doing perfectly. Cole’s little hand was wrapped around Alvin’s long hard penis. Cole’s head was doing back and forth movements; Noah narrowed his eyes to see better and almost cried out when he saw that the little boy had the man’s penis in his mouth and that was what he was going back and forth on.

“Enough.” Alvin said. The hand that he had behind the child’s head stilled him.
Noah was relieved that this was over. Because he didn’t know what to do, he decided to pull back and then confront Cole to find out what was going on and how he could help out next time. In hopes there wouldn’t be a next time. Just as he was retreating, he observed Cole being grabbed by the arms and lifted on the bed. He was now at eye level with Alvin. The man pulled the little boy’s pants down and Cole whimpered. Noah was horrified. What was he doing? Alvin murmured reassuringly and caressed the boy’s naked butt. Then he turned the boy, and pushed him down on the mattress, on his hands and knees. Cole bowed his head and cried in earnest. The man climbed on the mattress behind him, caressed his body with his big hands. When Cole started crying louder, the man pressed his big hand to Cole’s mouth and whispered urgently. Cole abruptly stopped crying. Alvin straightened, and pushed his still-hard penis against the boy’s butt who twitched violently. Alvin grabbed the boy’s nonexistent hips and pressed his penis to the . . .

“NO!” Before Noah could make a move, shove the door open or scream for help, a rough hand harnessed his mouth and he was lifted from the ground by a strong arm.

“Al!” Said the man, as he walked in the room holding Noah in his arms. He seemed completely indifferent to Noah’s kicking and muffled screams.
Alvin jumped back upon hearing the voice then turned and said, “Oh, it’s you Vic. I didn’t know you wanted to watch again tonight. You even brought yourself one?”
Victor was the second youngest son, only two years older than Alvin. “Nah, I caught this one peeking into your room. I think he seems mighty interested in what was going on.”
Alvin, who looked ridiculous with just a shirt and his protruding penis, strutted over to Noah and said, “You been spying on me, kid?”
Noah didn’t answer. His heart was beating so fast and hard he was afraid it would burst out of his chest. He was very aware of the man’s genitals pointing closely at him.
“I had never realised how very beautiful you are, boy. Maybe after I’m done with the little one, I’ll take care of you. How’d you like that, huh?”
Noah didn’t like that at all. What could he do? Already, Alvin was returning to the bed and the look of hope on Cole’s face disappeared. Alvin returned to his kneeling position on the bed and Noah decided to try something desperate. After all, he had nothing left to lose.
In his mind, he started yelling, “Mr. and Mrs. Price, help! We are in trouble! We are in Alvin’s room! Please, please, please! He will hurt us, please!”
For one horrible moment, he wondered if the owners were aware of what was going on. Maybe the brothers struck a deal when they began working at the orphanage. . . . He quickly tried to think of a way to buy time while constantly screaming for help, but Victor helped him out unknowingly. “Take your time with that one little brother, seeing the fight there is in this one, I’m considering taking him for myself.”
Alvin stilled. “You’ve got to be sure, Vic. Cause I’ll finish good and fast with this one or else.”
Victor was silent as he turned Noah towards him. He glanced from top to bottom then smirked. “Yes, I’m sure. This one, I like.” He untied his pants and let them drop to the floor then he looked down at Noah and said, “Now see here, boy, this is how things work around here. No use complaining to our brother about it, he knows about this and he approves. Besides, if you do tell anyone else, we’ve got dozens of other little boys and girls to have fun with. It’s no trouble at all. Who will believe a little homeless boy anyway, huh?”
He pushed down on Noah’s shoulder until the boy was kneeling in front of Victor’s penis. He told Noah to wrap his hand around the hardened length of him and then to lick it good before putting it his mouth. “You’ll see, it tastes real good. Like a big lollipop.” He snickered.
Noah was shaking with fear. He’d never been in a situation like this before, something bad had always happened to prevent it. He had apparently gotten to the point where he took his ‘luck’ for granted because he had never, not once, wondered what would happen if his luck didn’t kick in. The perpetrators had always fallen or choked or vomited or something. Why wasn’t this prevented? Noah decided that if nothing happened, he could always chew through the man’s penis. No one would force him to do something like this.
Victor started gleefully telling Noah of his previous ‘conquests’ when he was suddenly interrupted by a booming, “What the hell is going on here?”
Alvin jumped off the bed with a startled yelp and turned to his eldest brother, Cameron Price, with a guilty expression on his ugly face. Objectively, Noah knew the youngest brother wasn’t ugly, he may even pass for handsome with his brown hair and green eyes, but because of what Noah caught him doing, he would always find him ugly. Just the same as Victor. Speaking of which, the brother was so dumbstruck at having Cameron Price in front of him, he remained frozen in place, pants down to his ankles.
Noah rose from his kneeling position and hurried over to Cole. The boy was blushing furiously at having been caught in such a way by the owner of the Orphanage. “Cole,” Noah said gently, “it’s alright, you can dress now.”

Hesitantly, the boy peered behind him but wisely, Alvin ignored him. Cole glanced over to Mr. Price but the man was too busy glowering at his brothers to notice. Then he looked back at Noah who nodded encouragingly. Cole’s large brown eyes glued to Noah’s gentle blue ones, while he searched blindly behind him for his pants. When he finally found them, he frantically pulled them to him, yanked them on then scrambled off the bed to stand before Noah. His hero. Noah curled his arm around the boy’s shoulder and the duo cautiously approached Mr. Price.
The owner turned his gaze to the boys. At first, he glanced at Noah and he seemed puzzled but then he glanced at Cole, looked at him from top to bottom and his sudden fury was almost palpable.
Noah could feel Cole quivering with fear under the older man’s stare but he had no idea how to comfort him.
Cameron Price’s fury was barely contained as he spoke to his brothers, “Get dressed, get what you need and get out.”
“But Cam he - ”
“I said get out!” Mr. Price’s bellow echoed in the bedroom.
His brothers finally started moving; they pulled on or up their pants, scrambled around the bedroom. Alvin threw some articles in a duffel bag he found under the bed. Victor went running out of the room; they could hear him run down to his own room.
Alvin stopped in front of his brother before leaving the room but Mr. Price was still staring at Cole, his expression furious. Alvin left quietly. When all three of them heard the youngest brother make it all the way outside with Victor in tow, Cameron Price dropped to his knees, his expression now soft and shamefaced. “I’m so sorry Cole, I had no idea. Did he have time to . . . Were you hurt or touched?”
“Not . . . not tonight,” Cole stammered. His choice of words unknowingly told Mr. Price – and Noah – much more than what he was asking. His guilt now a heavy burden on his shoulders, the man bowed his head. If Noah had had any doubt about Mr. Price knowing about the abuse happening under his roof, it was gone from the second he saw the expression on the older man’s face. Cole, sensing the owner’s turmoil, hesitantly approached the kneeling man and wrapped his tiny arms around his neck. Mr. Price looked up in surprise; he was supposed to be comforting the boy, not the other way around! He awkwardly pat Cole on the back.
“Let me take you back to bed, alright?”
Cole nodded and turned to Noah. “Thank you.”
“I didn’t do anything,” Noah protested.
“But you would have, I know it, and that’s what counts. Thank you.”
As Cole headed out of the bedroom, Mr. Price turned to Noah. “I’d like to see you in the morning, after breakfast. Come to my office I’ll be waiting for you.”
Heart pounding, Noah nodded. Why did the owner want to see him? Did he think he had anything to do with the brothers’ treacherous behaviour? Or . . . had Noah’s summoning worked? Was that why Mr. Price wants to talk with him?
He headed out of the bedroom and whereas Cole’s room was on this floor, the third floor, Noah’s was on the second. He walked down the flight of stairs and made his way over to his room. Careful not to wake his room mate, he dropped on his bed and fell into an exhausted sleep.
* * *
He had fallen into an exhausted sleep because he had spent the last few days prowling the dark corridors of his temporary home trying to find the source of his discomfort. When he had found it, and apprehended it, he had felt relieved of some tension. But the dreams that had chased him afterwards were relentless.
Noah rubbed his tired eyes with his right hand as he headed to the first floor to see Mr. Price. It was too early for breakfast but he suspected Mr. Price’s night was as dream-filled as his own. If he was right, the Orphanage owner should be in his office right now. Noah raised a hand and knocked softly.
“Come in,” came the immediate reply.
Noah entered the study timidly. He still didn’t know what the older man wanted and he was feeling inexplicably nervous. After all, he’d done nothing wrong, right? The moment he walked in and peered up at Cameron Price, Noah knew he was right; the man hadn’t gotten much sleep during the night.
Mr. Price gestured to Noah to sit on the chair facing him. Noah complied then looked up to the older man, his heart beating fast. Did he think he knew about what was going on and had kept it a secret? Did the owner want to send him to another orphanage to hide the shame his brothers have wrought? Noah hoped not. He’d really like to stay there; already he had made some friends.
The owner studied him thoughtfully, his gray eyes narrowed.
Finally, he spoke, “What were you doing there, Noah? Somehow, I can’t imagine Victor choosing you to be there.”
“I . . . couldn’t sleep again, sir, and I was walking about when I heard . . . noise.”
“What did you do?”
“I was standing in front of Alvin’s room when I heard the noise and I softly pushed the door open . . . and I realised he was doing something wrong but before I could do anything about it, Victor found me.”
“And what was Alvin doing to Cole?”
“I would prefer not saying, sir.” His eyes had been downcast during the questioning but he raised his head and narrowed his eyes angrily. “It wasn’t Cole’s doing, sir. Alvin was forcing him!”
Cameron Price smiled wearily. “Although your defence of Cole is commendable, Noah, it is unnecessary. I know he didn’t ask for what he got. As much as it would have surprised me to find you as the victim, it doesn’t surprise me for Cole. He has led a very unfortunate life.” He sighed. “I must thank you for taking care of Cole so quickly when I came in. It is the sight of you two together that kept me from . . . inflicting pain. You didn’t need to see that.” Mr. Price ran a hand over his face and sighed once again. “You may go now, Noah. I will speak with Cole later on and try to determine how deeply affected he is; how long this has lasted.”
Noah nodded, unsure what to say. He hurriedly crossed the study and as his hand turned the knob, he stilled as Mr. Price spoke one more time.
“And Noah? Call me crazy, but did I hear you shout in my head last night that you were in trouble?
* * *
Tya held her breath as she stared in her mirror of souls, waiting for Noah’s answer to Mr. Price’s question. She knew he would find his way out of this situation; he always did.
From the moment of his birth, she had kept a close watch on him. And truth be told, she had no idea why. Maybe because his mother’s was the very first death that truly got to her. Maybe it was because he seemed to be born under a lucky star. He may not see it that way; after all, he always seemed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. But what amazed Tya more than anything was how he managed to get out of it. Things seemed to happen around him . . . Unexplainable things.
She wondered what the Fates had in store for the little boy and she hoped there would be many sunny days ahead for him.
Last edited by borntobeawriter on Mon Feb 01, 2010 3:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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First one to reply, yay!...

So the story is definitely gruesome, not something fun to read about, but somewhat realistic. You hear a lot about stuff like this happening, unfortunately.

I'd have to say, you might want to distance your paragraphs a bit more, it seems a lot longer than it is that way and a little stuck together.

I'm glad to see more action, in this chapter, however wrong that sounds :lol: I can't wait to read the rest, see if Tya will bring him to her when he's dead or what else could happen. Keep it up!
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Wow, that was awesome.
I mean the first part was a little draggy but you were getting the story set up and that's not a bad thing. Ugh, I feel so sorry for Cole, that's just terrible. I feel like shooting the other dudes in the head! Why?!
You had me on a roller coaster, Tanya! :D
Great job on this, your improving so much and you have such a mature way of writing and creating ideas, it's quite stunning in my mind.
I really have nothing else to say about this piece, I wouldn't have made it any better.
Sorry, this is an unhelpful review but I'll try to make it up later ahaha.
Please PM when you post the next chapter, I'm getting into it!

~Pink
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Suz, Pink, thanks guys! I'm glad you enjoy this! :D




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I was once told when reading a litterary work to think three adjectives to describe it. Mostly I usually think of words like nice, interesting and good. Your story is gripping, enthralling and mind bending. I am truly amazed. I really suggest you publish this book.
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Oh Wow Kaywiia, thank you, thank you so much!




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Hey! Sorry for the delay, again.

Firstly! For future reference, if any of the other chapters are similar to this, I would appreciate a warning in your PM request to the content. ^_~ I prefer to avoid the more graphic things-- I'm 13 years old, and not altogether comfortable with reading and critiquing the more adult content. But no worries for now. I promised you a critique, and a critique I shall deliver!

:arrow: Cole's dialogue is too mature for someone you said was six years old, and Noah's is too mature for a nine year old. These kids are freaked out and scared, and if they're orphans in an orphanage, they're probably not the best educated either. They're going to be stuttering, and using improper grammar, perhaps. Just not quite so sophisticated with the children's dialogue.

:arrow: At the beginning, you give us a major info dump-- numerous ones, in fact --regarding the Price family, the inheritance, the marriage, the house, etc. I don't think all of that information is necessary, and certainly not right now! If we absolutely need to know the Price family history, tell it to us gradually, as the need arises. Otherwise, we'll (at best) forget the details, or (at worst) skim over the info dump paragraphs entirely!

:arrow: Tya's love for Noah is so sudden! D: She doesn't know him. She's never met him. Yet, she wants to condemn him to an eternity of hell with her when she's never had a conversation with him! It seems to come up so suddenly and unexpectedly. If this is another large part of the plot, take it gradually. ;) Humans fall in love gradually, and so do characters. Otherwise it seems as if you're throwing together a relationship just because it needs to happen, and not because the characters are actually in love.

All in all, you're writing is solid and your plot seems very promising. ^^ I'd love to see you work on the characterization and make sure characters act because they want to, and because it's in their personality, and not just because your plot mandates they do certain things. Best of luck!

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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O.O Wow. This chapter has some disturbing stuff in it, but it is all real. Very good job of writing it, I was enthralled.

Concerning all the info on the Price family, is that all necessary? It can get a bit boring for someone to have to read all at once and slows the story down considerably. If it is absolutely important we know about it, work it in gradually.

I'm a little put off by Tya's love for Noah. If she was sixteen when he was born and he is nine now...that makes her... twenty-five. Wow. That's a little creepy. Maybe consider making Tya a little younger or Noah a little older or both? Even in fantasy with strange "destined to be" romances this is a little farfetched. Also, how she loves him without ever speaking to him. That's a little strange. I could see her being enlessly enthralled by his life and maybe she falls for him when he is older and their age difference is less...creepy.

Other than that I loved this! Keep going with it! You are surely a talented writer.

-Lauren
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