Sparrowhawk Soar

This is another snippet (It is NOT the beginning of the story, rather 3/4 into, so not everything is explained) of my novel I'm writting. I need some advice on this section. I don't think the words go together and the dialogue sounds a bit forced and doesn't make sense. I need to know if this section's grammar is sound and everything runs smoothly.

Also as a heads up, a character in this story is named NAME, because I haven't chosen her name yet. (NAME is Justin's mother). "Dark Flyers" is their name, so dark isn't a adjective.
I also edited my snippets when somebody posts a review with grammar mistakes.

The comforting voice in Talia’s mind did little to assure her everything was fine. Everything wasn’t fine. In fact, it was very far from it.
The night sky lit up by the torches the flyers were using to spot for the incoming dark ones. They waited silently, eyes alert, faces contorted in concentration. Talia instinctively fiddled with her fingers. Suspension was killing her.
A loud beacon noise, something like the sound from an old car horn, broke the haunting silence. Looking up, she saw the dark flyers approaching with alarming speed.
“They’re coming!” She yelled out, although it wasn’t needed. Her army was already scrambling about, most shifting into their winged forms, the few others who weren’t born flyers loading the artillery.
“All the flyers, listen up!” commanded Price, his voice stern. The battle had surfaced an aggression unlike Talia had ever seen in him before.
“On the count of three, I want everyone to take to the air. When I yell out ‘fire’, form the circle and make way for the gunshots. As soon as the first round has been fired, we charge. Is that clear?”
There was a simultaneous bobbing of heads.
“Good.” He finished up his speech and turned to Talia and Justin, lowering his tone.
“Now, I need you kids to scram. I don’t want to run the risk of you,” he pointed a worn finger at Talia, “getting captured.”
“But…”she began.
“No, Talia. Don’t argue. You know they’re only after you.” He said with some form of a heartfelt, caring tone bordering his voice. Talia dropped her squabble and simply nodded.
“Justin, please look after her for me, ok? Make sure she doesn’t run into trouble.”
“I will, sir.”
“Now go, hurry.” Said Price as he ran towards his awaiting army.
Talia felt herself being spun round. Justin’s arms groped her shoulders without some much as a whisper escaping his lips. He broke into a fast jog and Talia tried to keep up. Her ears recognised Price’s signal and, overcome with curiosity, she broke free of Justin’s arms and turned to see the terrible scene developing.
The first exploding roar of gunfire shattered her eardrums. She could barely hear people shouting, so she desperately wondered how impossible it must be for the poor souls to even think, let alone yell. The night sky, once only littered with torch lights, was now swarming with flyers of either side. She saw some of them fall down. That must be a 20m drop!, she thought pathetically. Oh dear god, I hope those fallen are the enemy.
Talia tore her saddened eyes away from the horrible setting. She just couldn’t bear to look at it any longer, and already her head was conjuring up a killing headache. Using the opportunity, Justin seized her hand and pulled her away. Tears were swelling up in her eyes. The thought of people possibly dying for her, losing their life in her name was making her heart break into two shrivelled pieces.
She was being guided further deep in the mountainous forest, which increasingly became harder to see even with her eagle-eye vision. Several times did Talia stumbled over snapped branches and jagged rocks. They tore at her legs like clinging beggars. It made her cry harder.
“Shh, Talia. Hey, hey, don’t cry.” Coaxed Justin, his grip tightening in a supportive way.
“It’s all my fault. People c…could die because of m…me!”
“They’re going to be okay. We are going to be okay, too. We just have to concentrate on getting somewhere safe.”
Talia refused this idea. There was no way anyone back there was going to be okay! She stopped walking and stood there, her arms crossed like a stubborn child.
“I want to go back and help.”
“You can’t, Talia!” he said, now grasping both of her hands, “Not only are you too young, but the war will be for nothing! Cassinotto and my mother are on the hunt for both of us! If we go back, we’ve surrended ourselves in! Don’t you see?”
“Good!” Her voice shook violently as she forced her hands out of his grip.
“I don’t want anymore people hurt because of me!”
There was a brief moment’s pause in which the pair of them heard distant gunshots.
“I don’t want that either.” He muttered. “Come on.” And despite Talia’s protests, he continued to head into the heart of the forest.
A sudden rustle of the trees and an abnormal gust of wind made Talia freeze.
Justin, totally oblivious, kept walking.
“Wait!” Talia breathed.
Justin turned to face her, his expression upset.
“Look, Talia, please don’t start complaining, I…”
“Wait!” She hissed again, louder.
“IT’S THEM! YES!” shouted out a familiar, nasally voice. Out of the bushes jumped out three muscular dark flyers, their enormous wings outstretched. Talia tried to transform, but as quick as a flash one of the men had pinned her arms behind her back. She craned her neck to see the same fate occur to Justin, but with the other couple of flyers. They had a little trouble trying to hold him down.
“I’m so, so glad I caught you pair of pathetic children.” Talia’s heart sank to the ground. She stopped struggling. Justin did the opposite and thrashed his limbs more wildly.
Two female dark flyers emerged from the trees, both with a torch in one hand, to face the captive teenagers.
NAME and Cassinotto both broke out into a taunting smirk. Talia could see almost instantly the horrible effects of the ritual on Cassie.
Her face was like a disturbing memory; it won’t stop gluing itself to the front of your brain, even on the best of days. The features of this poor, twisted female had been scarred and matured so badly it would be inappropriate now to call her young and innocent. Sweat and grime dripped from her deformed head down to her neck. Her normally layered, flicked auburn hair was now a feral lion’s mane of tangled fuzz. Her eye bulged in her sockets and her cheeks were ghostly hollowed. When she grinned, her facial features strained under the pressure.
Talia felt her heart being stabbed by the sharpest sword in the world.
How could Cassie let herself become like this? Nothing made much sense anymore.
Talia noticed Justin and his eyes locked onto his sinister mother’s smile. Only it wasn’t those smiles that compulsed you into smiling, too. Talia wished. No, it was a smile that was so evil that it compulsed you into vomiting your guts out all over NAME’s worn, black boots. She stopped herself just in time.
“So you’re the slutty girl who’s been putting ideas in my son’s head.” She coarsed, pointing a finger at Talia’s shoulder. She gulped and jutted her chin, avoiding her cold gaze. It would have been a very comical moment if it weren’t for the fear swelling up in her chest.
“Don’t you call her a slut!” growled Justin. It earned him a kick from Cassinotto.
“Trying to stick up for your girlfriend, are we? Trying to be the wittle hero?” Cassie chuckled. NAME’s eyes didn’t swerve from Talia’s. She seemed strangely curious.
“Bet you liked that, didn’t you? My Justy defending you?” She spat at Talia in an undertone, poking and prodding at her nose and hair.
“Don’t you dare touch her…”
“Pretty smart with the words today, are we my Justy?” She retorted, finally lifting her attention from Talia to Justin. She clicked her phalanges and the muscular flyers holding Justin released him. He fell to the ground with a thump.
“Think someone might want to be mesmerised?”
What? Thought Talia. Did I hear her right? What is this crazy woman on about? She assumed Justin must’ve been just as confused by the expression he was wearing, but she was very wrong.
“Mesmerising doesn’t work when the victim is blood-related.” Justin said, a hint of amusement in his voice. He was trying to recover from his fall.
“Who said I was going to use it on you?” mused NAME.
At once a high-pitched wailing crammed Talia’s mind and ears with its infectious sound. It contaminated every inch of her body with a noise so irritating it became impossible for her focus on anything else. What the hell is happening? She wondered frantically. A purple glow flashed from the corner of her eye and caught her attention, but it disappeared as quickly as it came.
…Come to me…
Was it inside her head? It seemed to halt the wailing when it spoke.
…Listen to me…
And Talia thought her life couldn’t get any weirder. She searched for Justin amongst the shadows of the night. She wondered why he wasn’t escaping, or, at least, selfish she try to think it, rescuing her. And what was that bizarre look on his face… was he grinning? She lost sight of everything as a grey, pixely mess swarmed her eyes, so she closed them.
…Obey me, come here…
What are you saying?
…Obey me…
Why?
…WALK. Now….
No, you can’t tell me what to do.
You stupid slut, walk!

This time when it spoke it wasn’t in her head, but rather someone that seemed to be hovering in front of her. She opened her eyes a let out a small gasp. NAME was intensely focused on her, invading her personal bubble, eyes glowing violet.
“Argh! It’s not working!” screeched NAME, accompanied by a dirty word.
A loud THUUD of two heads. The splitting crack of somebody transforming. Talia, now distracted, saw Justin deliver a powerful wing to Cassie, screaming as the force lifted her into the air and slammed her into a tree several feet away. He was, at long last, doing something!
“Change, Talia, change!” Shouted Justin.
Talia did exactly as she was told. A familiar rush of adrenalin, the feeling of being completely weightless. Her wings sprouted from her spine and she flew up a few metres in the air. As she did so, her feathers accidently brushed against NAME’s cheek. As a child suddenly awoken from a daydream, NAME snapped back into reality.
“Get back down here, you stupid girl!”
“She is never going near you ever again!”
Justin charged at his mother, hitting her square in her back.

Hi Maddy. My review lies below. Enjoy!


The setting taking place was disastrously chaotic.First problem of the day- "disastrous" and "chaotic" mean very similar things, so the term "disastrously chaotic" is probably a bad idea. Cries of rage rung(rang) loud as the first brave souls charged towards the enemy. This long is a little long winded, might be best to get rid of some of the adjectives. The family of the flyers who were in on the secret stayed below on ground, defending their beloved by firing weapons. "By firing weapons" sounds fairly childish. Do you think there's another phrase you could use? The newborn flyers, six or seven of them, had already begun tending to the injured. An exploding roar of artillery and wings beating made it difficult to focus on much, let alone communicate. Flyers made panicked hand gestures as a desperate attempt to be understood.
Talia tore her saddened eyes away from the terrible scene. She just couldn’t bear to look at it any longer. Using the opportunity, Justin seized her hand and pulled her away. Tears were swelling up in her eyes. The thought of people possibly dying for her, losing their life in her name was making her heart break into two shrivelled pieces. She was being dragged further deep in the mountainous forest, which increasingly became harder to see even with her eagle-eye vision. Several times did Talia stumbled over snapped branches and jagged rocks. They tore at her legs like clinging beggars. It made her cry harder.Nothing I can find wrong with this paragraph- nice imagery!
“Shh, Talia. Hey, hey, don’t cry.” Coaxed Justin, his grip tightening in a supportive way.
“It’s all my fault. People c…could die because of m…me!” I think it's a bit late for her to say "could" die, if there's already a huge battle springing up because of whatever she's done.
“They’re going to be okay. We are going to be okay, too. We just have to concentrate on getting somewhere safe.”
Talia stopped walking.
“I want to go back and help.”
“You can’t, Talia!” he said, now grasping both of her hands, “Not only are you too young, but the war will be for nothing! Cassinotto and my mother are on the hunt for both of us! If we go back, we’ve surrendered ourselves in! Don’t you see?”
“Good!” Her voice shook violently as she forced her hands out of his grip.
“I don’t want anymore people hurt because of me!”
There was a brief moment’s pause in which the pair of them heard distant gunshots.
“I don’t want that either.” He muttered. “Come on.” And despite Talia’s protests, he continued to head into the heart of the forest.
A sudden rustle of the trees and an abnormal gust of wind made Talia freeze.
Justin, totally oblivious, kept walking.
“Wait!” Talia breathed.
Justin turned to face her, his expression upset.
“Look, Talia, please don’t start complaining, I…”
“WAIT!”
“IT’S THEM! YES!” shouted out a familiar, nasally voice. Out of the bushes jumped out three muscular dark flyers, their enormous wings outstretched. Talia tried to transform, but as quick as a flash one of the men had pinned her arms behind her back. She craned her neck to see the same fate occur to Justin, but with the other couple of flyers. They had a little trouble trying to hold him down.
“I’m so, so glad I caught you pair of pathetic children.” Talia’s heart sank to the ground. She stopped struggling. Justin acted the opposite and thrashed his limbs more wildly. I don't like the phrase "acted the opposite". My suggestion would be "Justin's reaction was the opposite, and he..."
Two female dark flyers emerged from the trees, both with a torch in one hand, to face the captive teenagers. The word dark isn't really needed- remember to avoid unnecessary adjectives.
NAME and Cassinotto both broke out into a taunting smirk. Talia could see almost instantly the horrible effects of the ritual on Cassie.If Cassinotto and Talia are enemies, then "Cassie" sounds too affectionate a name for Talia to be using.
Her face was like a disturbing memory; it won’t stop gluing itself to the front of your brain, even on the best of days. The features of this poor, twisted female had been scarred and matured so badly it would be inappropriate now to call her young and innocent. Sweat and grime dripped from her deformed head down to her neck. Her normally layered, flicked auburn hair was now a feral lion’s mane of tangled fuzz. Her eye bulged in her sockets and her cheeks were ghostly hollowed. When she grinned, her facial features strained under the pressure. Very well done.
Talia felt her heart being stabbed by the sharpest sword in the world.
How could Cassie let herself become like this? Nothing made much sense anymore.
Talia noticed Justin and his eyes locked onto his sinister mother’s smile. Only it wasn’t those smiles that compulsed you into smiling, too. Talia wished. No, it was a smile that was so evil that it compulsed you into vomiting your guts out all over NAME’s worn, black boots. She stopped herself just in time. "compusled you into" doesn't make sense. And the next-to-last sentence could probably end with "vomiting your guts out".
“So you’re the slutty girl who’s been putting ideas in my son’s head.” She coarsed, pointing a finger at Talia’s shoulder. She gulped and jutted her chin, avoiding her cold gaze. It would have been a very comical moment if it weren’t for the fear swelling up in her chest. What's comical about what's just happened?
“Don’t you call her a slut!” growled Justin. It earned him a kick from Cassinotto.
“Trying to stick up for your girlfriend, are we? Trying to be the wittle hero?” Cassie chuckled. NAME’s eyes didn’t swerve from Talia’s, despite the insult. What insult? no-one's insulted NAME as far as I can tell. She seemed strangely curious.
“Bet you liked that, didn’t you?” She spat at Talia in an undertone, poking and prodding at her nose and hair. Again, liked what?
“Don’t you dare touch her…”
“Pretty smart with the words today, are we my Justy?” She retorted, finally lifting her attention from Talia to Justin. She clicked her phalanges and the muscular flyers holding Justin released him. He fell to the ground with a thump.
“Think someone might like to be mesmerised?” Don't like that sentence, although I'm not sure what else you could use...
What? Thought Talia. Did I hear her right? What is this crazy woman on about? She assumed Justin must’ve been just as confused by the expression he was wearing, but she was very wrong.
“Mesmerising doesn’t work when the victim is blood-related.” Justin said, a hint of amusement in his voice. He was trying to recover from his fall.
“Who said I was going to use it on you?” mused NAME.
At once a high-pitched wailing crammed Talia’s mind and ears with its contagious sound. "contagious" is definitely the wrong word here. It's mildly appropriate, but there's many other words which fit better. It infected every inch of her body with a noise so irritating it became impossible for her focus on anything else. What the hell is happening? She wondered frantically. A purple glow flashed from the corner of her eye and caught her attention, but it disappeared as quickly as it came.
…Come to me…
Was it inside her head? It seemed to halt the wailing when it spoke.
…Listen to me…
And Talia thought her life couldn’t get any weirder. She searched for Justin amongst the shadows of the night. She wondered why he wasn’t escaping, or, at least, selfish she try to think it, rescuing her. And what was that bizarre look on his face… was he grinning? She lost sight of everything as a grey, pixely mess swarmed her eyes, so she closed them.
…Obey me, come here…
What are you saying?
…Obey me…
Why?
…WALK. Now.…
No, you can’t tell me what to do.
You STUPID slut, walk! Caps=bad.

This time when it spoke it wasn’t in her head, but rather someone that seemed to be hovering in front of her. She opened her eyes a let out a small gasp. NAME was intensely focused on her, invading her personal bubble, eyes glowing violet.
“Argh! It’s not working!” screeched NAME, accompanied by a dirty word.
A loud THUUD of two heads. The splitting crack of somebody transforming. Talia, now distracted, saw Justin deliver a powerful wing to Cassie, screaming as the force lifted her into the air and slammed her into a tree several feet away. He was, at long last, doing something!
“Change, Talia, change!” Shouted Justin.
Talia did exactly as she was told. A familiar rush of adrenalin, the feeling of being completely weightless. Her feathered wings sprouted from her spine and she flew up a few metres in the air. As she did so, her feathers accidentally brushed against NAME’s cheek. As a child suddenly awoken from a daydream, NAME snapped back into reality.
“Get back down here, you stupid girl!”
“She is never going near you ever again!”

I liked the creativity and the world you've created, but there are a lot of problems with writing style. Be very careful with wording- the mistakes you've made make the story less enjoyable for any readers. Once you've straightened out said problems, it should be a pretty good piece.

Thanks a heap, Sanareth, your advice was very useful.

Hey Maddy! I'm sorry it took me so long to get to this, but I'm here! All right, you have some pretty intense emotions in this scene and I like that. There is a lot of tension and build-up, but I think there are a few things you can do to improve this.

Okay, so this was really, really fast. Sometimes snappy action and dialogue works to your advantange, but here it just seemed rushed. Everything happened way too fast and it sucked the prose dry of the emotional detail it needs to engage the reader. You're on the right path; this is extremely intense emotionally. But you have to make the reader feel the emotion; we won't feel the weight of what is happening if you don't help us. So, let's take a look at the beginning.

The setting taking place was devastatingly chaotic. Cries of rage rang loud as the first brave souls charged towards the enemy. The family of the flyers who were in on the secret stayed below on ground, defending their beloved by using weapons. The newborn flyers, six or seven of them, had already begun tending to the injured. An exploding roar of artillery and wings beating made it difficult to focus on much, let alone communicate. Flyers made panicked hand gestures as a desperate attempt to be understood.

First, your first line. Tis a no-no. Don't come out and tell us how we should think about the setting. You have to SHOW us. Make the reader feel the devastation and chaos. Telling us the setting is these things only distances the reader from the events and makes the reader feel stupid.

And whoa! There is a lot of that happens in this paragraph! You come out and tell us all the events that are happening, but I'm not really feeling any of it because it's largely matter-of-fact, describing what each group of people is doing. There is no human quality to it right now. It's a sea of things that add up to chaos, but right now it looks like a cardboard cut out play to me rather than a gritty, emotional setting. Try to spend more time on this. Focus in on specific scenes. Flyers are making panicked gestures? Focus in on the expresson of the Flyers, the gestures they are making, specific images within the setting that evoke emotion. Play with the weather, SHOW us the chaos and the complete horror of this scene and you will engage the reader more at the beginning.

Talia tore her saddened eyes away from the terrible scene. She just couldn’t bear to look at it any longer. Using the opportunity, Justin seized her hand and pulled her away. Tears were swelling up in her eyes. The thought of people possibly dying for her, losing their life in her name was making her heart break into two shrivelled pieces. She was being dragged further deep in the mountainous forest, which increasingly became harder to see even with her eagle-eye vision. Several times did Talia stumbled over snapped branches and jagged rocks. They tore at her legs like clinging beggars. It made her cry harder.

Aha character! You are doing all right with character development, but, again, here I feel like you tell us so much about what she's feeling but we don't actually get to feel it with her. Goodness, if I was watching this, I would be nauseous and panicked and my eyes would be burning and my head would be throbbing. You can do so much with visceral reaction here, and it will be much more powerful than you describing what she feels.

“Shh, Talia. Hey, hey, don’t cry.” Coaxed Justin, his grip tightening in a supportive way.

“It’s all my fault. People c…could die because of m…me!”

“They’re going to be okay. We are going to be okay, too. We just have to concentrate on getting somewhere safe.”

Talia stopped walking.

“I want to go back and help.”

Okay, your dialogue is okay, but this feels rushed. This could be due to the beginning, but just remember when you writing, to take your time! No one is judging you by how fast you write and how quickly you can get a scene down. Take your time and develop what's happening. Think about the things like body language, tone of voice and setting. No need to overdescribe, but the pacing seems very fast here. You have such intensity in this scene! Slow down and let us feel it, let the suspense grip us!

“Look, Talia, please don’t start complaining, I…”

“WAIT!”

“IT’S THEM! YES!” shouted out a familiar, nasally voice. Out of the bushes jumped out three muscular dark flyers, their enormous wings outstretched. Talia tried to transform, but as quick as a flash one of the men had pinned her arms behind her back. She craned her neck to see the same fate occur to Justin, but with the other couple of flyers. They had a little trouble trying to hold him down.

Eekers! Caps! Avoid caps.

I'm not going to go on because I think what I've covered so far is what stuck out to me about everything from here on out as well. It just seems very rushed now and sparse on the body language and setting. Don't be afraid to slow down a little bit! The tricks to writing fast, actions scenes are focus and snappy sentence structure. You select what details are important, strike upon them hard and keep your sentences from dragging. It's not necessarily a fast pace that makes a good, intense scene where a lot happens. I know this is just an excerpt from a larger piece, but it seemed lacking in body language and the descriptions to flesh it out and make it appeal to the reader emotionally.

You really do have some good characters! And you clearly have an extremely heart-wrenching plot. You have the building blocks to make this great, just take your time and make the reader feel it. All in all, a nice job! Keep writing! And please PM me if you have any questions!