Ante-Purgatory

*this is a very short piece, i had made which was based on Dante's purgatorio...which i am trying to explore the idea of a different afterlife...what do you think??


“By judgment, I had failed.” Canto whispered to himself as a ray of light that had cloaked his figure began to fade away. He shot his eyes one last time to the silhouette of the Deity above him. Faint murmurs of disappointment echoed to his ears before a crowd appeared around him. Their heads were bowed down with hands covering their mouth.
He gazed downwards to where they were looking. By his feet, he saw himself outstretched on the centre of the road. Like a clock, one hand lay upwards above his head while the other was pointed at his side. His face was pale like the moon with eyes blankly looking at the darkened sky. His mouth was gaped open with a hint of blood flowing from the corner of his lips.
He stammered back placing his hand roughly against his chest. By his chest, he felt no faint beating from his heart. It was just an empty silence. He clenched his fists hard closing his eyes hard.
When he opened them again, he stared at the various people surrounding the body. Some widened their eyes in shock while others tried to gaze away from the sight before them. They stood there still as if waiting for his body to rise up from the ground. Behind the crowd was the sound of the ambulance. It was parked behind a large bus that had collided with a medium sized truck at the centre of an intersection. Doctors came out from the ambulance helping out the various people who lay injured on the street. Their screams echoed to the distance that gathered the attention of people four blocks away from the site.
“I deserve this, do I?” he murmured to himself before his transfixed his gaze upward. The ray of light had now disappeared to a mere twinkle. Canto bit his lip once more; his arms fell heavily on his sides when the first droplet came down.
People began to move away from his body. They went to the sides under the protection of the buildings. Only a number of nurses and hospital volunteers stayed behind. Their faces were partly covered from the green raincoats they wore over their heads. They covered the body with a thick green blanket and lifted inside the ambulance. As the doors were shut closed from me, He closed my eyes once more feeling the four-ringed chain wrapped tightly against each of my arm.
“I deserve this, do I?” he repeated as he turned around. His body was now within the confines of the ambulance. There’s nothing else I can do, he thought as he held one of his arms as he walked in the rain.
One by one, the people by the side of the street began to blur from his sight. Their faces and their clothes were now nothing but a mass of disheveled lines. Their outlines were a surrounded by a faint blue aura. From this, Canto saw other figures appearing before him. They walked sluggishly with bent backs. Their naked fleshes were covered with mouths. Each mouth muttered a single event from the figure’s lives.
Canto sighed slowly as he heard a faint murmur by the back of his neck. The voice talked hoarsely about his birth. Around him, the buildings lay static with no hints of life whatsoever. As he cast his eyes downwards, the cemented grey road darkened. It’s stretched endlessly to the distance. On its surface were dark outstretched hands of figures. They danced endlessly trying to escape from their confinement. Their faceless heads stared blindly at him while their moldy hands gripped the soles of his feet.

His eyes moved to the various people surrounding the body. Some had their eyes widened with shock while others remain impassive.

remained I believe

“I deserve this do I?” he murmured to himself as he gazed at the sky. The ray of light that had shot down from the grey fluffy clouds

I don't know why but I don't like that. I think the fluffy part takes away from it.

“I deserve this, do I?” he repeated as he turned around. His body was now within the confines of the ambulance. There’s nothing else I can do, he thought as he held one of his arms as he walked under the rain.

I'd say in


Extremely good description, and it has the reader asking questions in a good way. I don't really have much to critique. I find it to be a well written piece of a interesting idea.

Hi.

I liked that a lot, gets you thinking. Also it was rather disturbing at the end, which I thought worked well.

There is one thing, but only a small thing:

They stood there still as if waiting for his body to rise up from the ground. Behind the crowd was the sound of the ambulance parked behind a large bus that had collided with a medium sized truck at the centre of an intersection. Doctors came out from the ambulance helping out the various people who lay injured on the street. Their screams echoed to the distance getting the attention of people four blocks away from the site.

The part in bold needs to be broken up a bit with some punctuation, in my opinion. It's very long winded. Also the sentences either side seem to me a bit disjointed, and it distracts the reader away from the narrator. Maybe you could make the descriptions more emotional, but only just a bit. Because I know the guy's in shock and everything but he has just died, so a little bit more emotion would make it more empathizable. (not sure if that's a word)

Other than that it was great. The bit at the end though was a bit vague, you might want to develop that a bit.

Hey there foxfire! Tis WD, here as requested. ^^ This is a pretty nifty piece. Because it's so short, I'll go through it paragraph by paragraph, kays?

By his feet, he saw himself. His body lay outstretched on the centre of the road. One of his hands pointed upwards while the other was pointed at his side, like a clock. His face was pale like the moon. His eyes were turned back revealing a white empty core. His mouth was gaped open with a hint of blood flowing from the corner of his lips. Within his T-shirt, bones protrude out of his skin.

The word 'pointed' seems too intentional for a man who is so badly injured. Perhaps mention his arms 'laying' or something that meshes with your image of him more easily. Also, the word 'turned' is strange. All those verbs make it sound like he has intentionally put himself in this position. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but it bothers me a little. Also, beware the passive voice. Three sentences in a row you say 'his _____ were/was'. When you're writing things this short, you want to really pay attention to individual sentences. I don't mind parallel structure, but those three sentences don't beat like you did it on purpose. Perhaps read it aloud.

His eyes moved to the various people surrounding the body. Some had their eyes widened with shock while others remain impassive. They stood there still as if waiting for his body to rise up from the ground. Behind the crowd was the sound of the ambulance parked behind a large bus that had collided with a medium sized truck at the centre of an intersection. Doctors came out from the ambulance helping out the various people who lay injured on the street. Their screams echoed to the distance getting the attention of people four blocks away from the site.

'had their eyes widened' sounds awkward. 'getting' seems like too weak a verb for the effect this must have on people.

“I deserve this[,] do I?” he murmured to himself as he gazed at the sky. The ray of light that had shot down from the grey fluffy clouds had now disappeared to a mere twinkle. Canto bit his lip once more; his arms fell heavily on his sides when the first droplet came down.

He's gazing at the sky? I thought he was looking at the people around him. The ray of light thing is confusing me; it seems sudden and there is little mention of anybody noticing it beforehand. Wouldn't the crowd be somewhat frightened or fixated by a ray of light? Why did you wait to mention this until now? Also, the word 'fluffy' seems to ruin the mood here. So, Canto is this guy who's lying there, right? I'm having a hard time gauging what exactly he's experiencing; he seems like he would be in a lot of pain, but I don't see much of that yet. Interesting.

People moved away from his body. They went to the sides under the protection of the buildings. Only a number of nurses and hospital volunteers stayed behind. Their faces partly covered from the thick green raincoats they wore over their heads. They covered the body with a thick green blanket and lifted inside the ambulance. As the doors were shut closed from me, I closed my eyes once more feeling the four-ringed chain wrapped tightly against each of my arm.

The sentence in red is an awkward fragment. Maybe reword? And whoa! Where did a first person presence come from? If you want to narrate this in first person, you may want to drop some hints beforehand; it seems really abrupt here.

“I deserve this, do I?” he repeated as he turned around. His body was now within the confines of the ambulance. There’s nothing else I can do, he thought as he held one of his arms as he walked under the rain.

Okay, so I is Canto, right? And the first person part here is him thinking--I get that. But then why did we have first person last paragraph?

His eyes cast downward on the black ground by his feet. It’s stretched endless over the distance. On its surface where dark outstretched hands of figures that dance endlessly trying to escape from their confinement. Their faceless heads stared blindly at him while their moldy hands gripped the soles of his feet.

The third sentence confuses me. Should where be were? Then it would read 'on its surface were dark outstretched hands of figures that dance endlessly...' I think there's some tense confusion--should 'dance' be 'danced'? The sentence threw me off.

All right, so you have an interesting idea here. You seem to have a very vivid image of what is going on and that is good! Maybe I'm just missing something here, but this really confused me. There was a ray of light and then an interjection of first person and some of the sentences and word choice just seemed really odd. It's a good start--you have some fabulous imagery going for you, but I think you need to read this aloud. Read through the sentences, proofread and think about word choice. Also, consider how you can make the first person interjection and the ray of light make more sense. It seems like he might be gazing upon his own body, yes? If that is so, I think it needs to be made more clear; clarifying some of those sentences and that word choice will help this immensely.

You have a good start! So keep writing! I would love to see a revised versio of this! Nice job and feel free to PM me if you have any questions!