salvator mundi

The topic for the competition is "a building." I'm doing this through my school but I thought I'd let you rip this apart before my teachers, because I'm generally quite scared of showing people I know my poetry.

ancient bells toll the rise of sunday morn
breaking golden silence, sound ruptures its brightest shine
few heads turn to watch crooked steeple, battle-worn
but frenzy still, leaving ravens to hear the simple chime

processions of long-serving members shuffle forward -
isolated, shivering in november wind, they romanticise
in the empty pews, ex-captains dreaming of shoreward
maneouvres and escape from chasing elusive prize

eternally young soldiers haunt the church passageways,
their names etched on graveyard verdure, hidden behind
ungrateful weeds, a blazoned cross befriends and prays
for their salvation, their bodily wounds never truly enshrined

beside the frozen altar, beneath Lordly sacrifice, stands
a book of scribbled names, of men or boys, those who died -
but pages are entwined, crowded, yet through time expands
to dwindle excuses, benighted ignorance shadows depleted pride

marks of respect for shouldered badge, collar of white or khaki
irrespective - all have voices to be heard, but the clock will tick
and stifling cries of youthful nescience repress: the draftee
and devotee left to march alone, together, double quick.

sun will set on forgotten scene, a neglected man will slave
back home to the new generation, always to be a martyr torn
apart by the short fuse, his memory deeper than his grave,
where a blood-stained poppy reminds him hope is not always forlorn.

arg, wordy. ok, a few questions before I do any ripping.. what are the requirements for this contest? A specific buliding, stanzas, words... you didn't give us much to go on there, and that can determine cuts that need/can't be made.

now. this doesn't sound like your writing. not necessarily forced, but not entirely natural. Too descriptive. if there's no limit or minium for words/stazas (or words you have to use, etc.) then write this..well, more like something you enjoy writing. there are so many metaphors you could use here, but most are just blatantly stated (or what you wrote is completely over my head). the effect isn't what you could make it.

Nit-picks later, of you so wish.

I did tell you the requirements.

Simply, the topic is "a building." The limit is 48 lines.

This doesn't sound like my writing? I doubt a competion wants my emo crappy "a girl doesn't like me" type poetry. It won't work.

It is descriptive, yes...what's your point? Question: how can a metaphor be blatantly stated? I need some examples please, and a batter explanation. The metaphors are stated...because well, that's called writing. You haven't critiqued it at all, just got me confused as to exactly what you are critiquing. Please pick out the lines you think are crap, are good, etc etc.

If you didn't understand the poem, tell me so. Nitpick it if you want, but if you didn't understand the poem, admit it, because that's the key part.

I understood it a bit, but I don't see how the title fits with it, and the whole thing is a little too descriptive.

Looks like the title only makes sense to me, then.

Scratch this - I'll write a new one for the competition.

What does it mean, anyway?

The title means "saviour of the world". The poem links Christianity with the World War 2 dead, or the idea that both Christ and the young men 60 years gave their lives for a worthy cause, but both are slowly being ignored by an increasingly ignorant world.

Clues are in phrases like "crooked steeple, battle-worn", "shivering in november wind" (remembrance day 11th of november, or whatever you call it in USA), "a blazoned cross befriends" (ie the christian cross on their gravestone their only companion) "Lordly sacrifice" (note the capital), "youthful nescience" (meaning both ignorance and agnosticism) etc. etc. I tried to put plenty of subtle clues along the way. Seems its not obvious enough. Ah well.