Lost Love

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Under a tree I sat in late July
‘Twas night, and I looked at the gleaming sky
The fireflies did fly, and the night cool,
I thought of that fair Spaniard, with green eyes.
His golden - like complexion, hair like fall,
With shades of brown, long, but short, and of good self.
As I drifted off to the land of dreams
The wind whispered la tua cantante
And I felt but a sad slither of hope,
Since he hath claimed his place in death with they,
The ones who watch over all life and death.
I rose, finding myself highly burdened
By the memory of his loss, and lo,
I found myself wanting to be with him.
I craved his affectionate embrace, and
The warmth of his love so heretical,
Yet so true, I thought it seemingly gone.
Until death would I finally great him,
And the warmth of a thousand suns would come.
So too, did I wish to his ghost, and,
For one last time, look upon what was lost.
To his grave did I travel, wanting him,
Wanting to be close to him for a time.
I knelt at his grave, and did feel a tear,
But knew it was normal, love, so unjust.
Love, a double edged sword, destroys and gives.
I thought of him as I laid next to his
Grave, marvelous and grand, but still nothing,
The emptiness was one that was great but,
Even still, would be defeated by love.
I slept, and dreamed of our relations.
‘Twas the first summer we met each other.
I, fifteen, as was he, met in Church.
Neither he nor I spoke the same, but as
Love speaks no language, we needed not speak.
We felt the connection of love, but did,
As one would think, acknowledge each other.
Speak we did not, until Christmas that year.
‘Twas at the market we spoke at fates will.
Exchanged names, did we, before walking off.
Two days time, we met again, and thought it
Well to write letters to each other’s self.
After an exchange of address both,
Though painfully, left each other for somt.
Wrote, did we, back and forth, confessing love.
After several time we met together.
We embraced, being love heretics,
Did barely more, for our love was looked down,
As a cloud looks down at the ground, but lo,
It did not hinder us, and we stayed strong.
Last summer did we meet in the meadow.
For the first time did a kiss occur, and
We both felt the fire in our souls.
Upon us had love’s spell fallen, and lo,
We wished to be bond for eternity.
We ate of fruit from the meadow and trees.
The moment seemed like forever, and still,
‘Twas not long enough, for in just two weeks,
Tragedy struck, for my love was thrown from
His horse and caused damage fatal to life.
Dying after two days, I felt empty.
One and a half years, fallen to nothing.
I woke in the morn’, feeling sick but rested, realize life had,
Many things to teach, and all were cruel and full of pain but alas,
I still found that sweet death, and found great hope in that bottle of poison’s
Deadly grasp, and drink did I until I was finally not alive,
But with my destined partner, and ‘till death do us part.

1. Somt= some time




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dawgsnlocust wrote:His golden - like complexion, hair like fall,

I read this and smiled, because my first thought was, "hair like fall? What does that even mean?"
And then I remembered that I described a person as haviing hair that was half-summer and half autumn.
dawgsnlocust wrote:The wind whispered la tua cantante

I actually googled this and found your blood signer, which in this case means, uh, destined to die? Blood soulmate? I found a bunch of twilight links.
dawgsnlocust wrote:I woke in the morn’, feeling sick but rested, realize life had,
Many things to teach, and all were cruel and full of pain but alas,
I still found that sweet death, and found great hope in that bottle of poison’s
Deadly grasp, and drink did I until I was finally not alive,
But with my destined partner, and ‘till death do us part.

This was my favorite stanza.
I have to say, whether because I'm grumpy or obstinate in not wanting to know that somt means some time, that your writing comes off as pretentious. Gah, that's so mean, I know. I'm sorry.

dawgsnlocust wrote:Exchanged names, did we, before walking off.

It wasn't the language so much as it was quotes like this. Why didn't they just exchange names before walking off?
dawgsnlocust wrote:Two days time, we met again, and thought it
Well to write letters to each other’s self.

We met again after two day's time,
and wrote letters to each other every day after.
Why can't it be that^
Trust me, I like archaic writing as much as the next person but this is like punching me in the face with Elizabethan vocabulary.
At the same time, I know that this is sort of your distinct style and I don't want you to change for or because of me.
So I guess I'm just upset that I couldn't give you a real review.
xxooxx
A bad person :(
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
*Le Bible
Royal Reviews Here!




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Under a tree I sat in late July
‘Twas night, and I looked at the gleaming sky
The fireflies did fly, and the night cool,
I thought of that fair Spaniard, with green eyes.
-too many fly's it doesn't flow with the eyes.

This bugged me so much. It sort of distracts me, and makes me want to not read the rest of your poem. This is amature isle. All those 'i' sounds: sky, eye, fly; it sounds wrong. Please fix it in any way you can.

Since he hath claimed his place in death with they,
The ones who watch over all life and death.

This is just incredibly beautiful. This should be your first line or something, because this line made me want to read more.

To his grave did I travel, wanting him,
Wanting to be close to him for a time.

I think you should switch the 'did' and 'I' around.

Love speaks no language, we needed not speak.

There are too many syllables in this. Since your style would include this word, instead of 'needed not' put 'needn't.'

But with my destined partner, and ‘till death do us part.

It's funny. This line is so know, so ordinary, though when you speak it in this poem, it seems to have an entire new meaning. Because your love was an entire new and different experience.

This poem really touched me. You're a wonderful poet, keep on keeping on.

~Classy



The moral of Snow White is never eat apples.
— Lemony Snicket