Monster - part 1

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Okay, so this is my first post of my work! This is actually a short story I wrote today because I was bored and in a somewhat morbid mood...I've rated it 18 just to be on the safe side. Since this is kind of a mishmash of Sci-Fi and a bit of Fanfiction (I was inspired by the Alien movies and the song "Monster" by Skillet), I've decided to post it in the Other category. :)
Thanks for reading!


Monster

The blood spattered the window with a sound resembling that of rain on a summer day. But instead of running easily down the pane as water droplets would have, the blood stuck to it tenaciously. Early morning sunlight shone through, casting the room in a reddish glow. Of course, there was no one to notice the fact, since the owner of the room and the cabin was the source whence the blood had come.

The body that had recently held the blood was lying outside the window, in a manner that suggested a struggle had ensued. It had been a man; that much was evident by the bare head. He was dressed in warm clothes, which made sense, considering the recently cold temperatures. There was a gold ring that glinted dully from the left hand. There would be at least one person who would miss him, then. Probably more. From the almost portly stomach to the hand-knitted scarf that was now flung away, torn in two, he seemed to be an average human being with an average, yet fulfilling, life.

Which led to the question, why? Why was he now covered in his own blood that had poured out of the large hole in his head? What could have done that? It looked like the markings of a beast; a savage, vicious, bloodthirsty beast, perhaps, that subsisted off of a man’s brain. For the grayish matter, that nerve central, was missing.

The man lay in the sun that whole long day, reaching so close to the relative safety of his cabin’s window, but never making it there. Insects and animals eventually ravaged the body, until nothing but a mangled mass of rotting skin and innards draped the bones.

This was the sight that greeted our hero’s eyes as he came tromping through the dense thicket of trees and entered the clearing. A cry of shock, horror, and repulsion left his mouth, and he hurried closer to the scene.

“Another one,” he muttered aloud. There wasn’t anyone else to talk to, of course, so he relayed the fact to himself, and noted it with interest.

“Same manner of death, I wonder?”

He snapped a long, thin branch off a nearby tree and, crouching down, gingerly poked the skull. It rolled over on its side easily enough, and he craned his neck to get a better look.

“Hole in the skull,” he remarked aloud. “Same as last time.”

Our hero stood up with a groan that should have belonged to a man much older than he. Not that he was a young man; but he certainly wasn’t old enough to sound like he was arthritic and rheumatic.

“It couldn’t be, could it?” he mused. “But then again, no animal that I know of could create a hole like that. It’s too perfect.” Perhaps, he pondered hopefully, it was the work of some psychopathic murderer, who used some cylindrical implement to stab his victims in the head and then—

“Took the brains?” Our hero scoffed at the idea. “To what purpose? Study? They’d be more use to him whole, not dragged out through a small opening like that.”

Then a more disturbing thought occurred. “Eat them? Perhaps in some delusional idea that he’d grow smarter?”

Either way, he clung to the slim hope that whatever had killed the man was a human. Not what he thought it really was. If that was the case—he shuddered and focused on the corpse.

“Well, there’s nothing I can do for him. Don’t even have any way of knowing how to identify him. That’s for the authorities anyways, if they weren’t so frickin’ scared of coming up here.”

He took one more solemn look at the remains before turning and heading back to his own little cabin.
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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That's really good. I liked it. A little gruesome but who doesn't like action! I liked it a lot and have nothing bad to say about it :xd: ...Good Job!
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Here I am, as requested! I have to say, I really like reading stuff like this. I don't mind violence in fiction so the more gruesome the better for me, and this was great! Also, your vocabulary is brilliant! It has a wide range, but I don't get the impression of someone holding a thesaurus in their hands trying to sound advanced. (I really hate that :P) Actually, there was only a few things that I find off about this...
Ranger Hawk wrote:The blood spattered the window with a sound resembling that of rain on a summer day.


God, you're good at describing that! I knew just how to picture it... :lol:

From the almost portly stomach to the hand-knitted scarf that was now flung away, torn in two, he seemed to be an average human being with an average, yet fulfilling, life.


For the first underline-thingy, I think you should make the man portly or not. That's it. Almost portly is vague and hard to imagine for the reader, and when the character is only here for a very short time, it won't really matter if the reader imagines him a little fatter than you did. :wink:

For the second, maybe try using man instead of human being. You've already made it obvious that he's human, and most of us will have made that assumption beforehand. :D


The man lay in the sun that whole long day, reaching so close to the relative safety of his cabin’s window, but never making it there.


The safety of his window? What's so safe about a window? :lol:

Plot: So, your plot may be a bit overused, but that doesn't make it any less enjoyable. It reminds me a lot of the Dresden Files by Jim Butcher. Those books rock my socks. Yush. :smt045

Vocab: Awesomesauce. Keep it up!

Style of writing: You have a seamless way of writing, and I love your descriptions. :smt003

Overall: Brilliant work! I only have one suggestion, and that is to maybe dumb down the detail a bit until someone actually arrives on the scene. For example, who is asking "Why"? Not the hero, because he hasn't arrived yet. :P It works for certain parts, but not the entire time. :)

So I hope this helped! Feel free to say it didn't, because I have to work on my reviews just like anyone else. ;)
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Thank you both for your review! I really appreciate it! :D


Knightley, to address a couple of things you said -
The safety of his window? What's so safe about a window? :lol:


Yeah, this was something I was struggling with. I was trying to convey the idea that he was so close to his home, where he would potentially be safe, but was killed right before he could reach it; I was hoping to give a macabre sense of irony to his position, if you will. I have to find some other way of wording it.

I only have one suggestion, and that is to maybe dumb down the detail a bit until someone actually arrives on the scene. For example, who is asking "Why"? Not the hero, because he hasn't arrived yet. :P It works for certain parts, but not the entire time. :)


Ah yes, that's a good point. I changed writing style partway through because I really had no idea where I was going with it. :P Thanks for pointing that out, I'll work on fixing it! Thanks again for your detailed review! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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I enjoyed reading this! Nice job :D.
Unfortunately I don't have the time right now to write
a actual review but I'll just give some suggestions!

So overall it was really good. I have no problem with gruesome in writing form. The great thing about the genre you choose is with a murder mystery where the murderer could be human or not. It's used quite a lot but is something that CAN be done over and over and never get dull!

The detail was spot on, I could see it all in my head as I was reading which is great.
As much as I'd like to say something bad about this I really don't. I liked it and didn't spot any grammar or spelling issues. Anything I would have said Mr. Knightley did for me! Nice job! :].




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Thanks Derek! I really appreciate it! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Hey there!

I like this. Luckily, gruesomeness doesn't really bother me. ;)

While most of the things I found have been pointed out already, (thanks, Mr. Knightley) I did notice a tendency towards being a bit telly, and you might want to watch out for purple prose.

Here are a few examples:

the blood stuck to it tenaciously. Early morning sunlight shone through, casting the room in a reddish glow. Of course, there was no one to notice the fact, since the owner of the room and the cabin was the source whence the blood had come.


While this is a good description, the way you write it is a bit convoluted. Also, is "tenaciously" really the best word? Blood is still liquid, and as such would at least run a little. The tone of the third sentence also threw me a little bit, since it felt like you were explaining something redundant. Couldn't you just say something like; "casting the deserted room behind it in a reddish glow"?

Actually, now that I think about it, I think that the problem isn't the description, but the way it seems bordering on omniscient POV. I think it would be more disturbing/immediate if you got rid of all the passive sentences and put it in a more immediate POV. Make sense?

There was a gold ring that glinted dully from the left hand. There would be at least one person who would miss him, then. Probably more. From the almost portly stomach to the hand-knitted scarf that was now flung away, torn in two, he seemed to be an average human being with an average, yet fulfilling, life.


So, here, I would revise the first sentence as "A gold ring glinted dully from his left hand." See how it feels more immediate? On the other hand, I LOVE the description of the scarf being torn in too. It gives a really nice image, since before you only said he was "lying in a way that indicated a struggle" (<--Not exciting!)

Why was he now covered in his own blood that had poured out of the large hole in his head?

Here, the POV thing again. Also, in the enxt few sentences, it needs to be clearer that his brain is gone. Maybe revise as,
"A gaping hole in his skull oozed blood, soaking his wool shirt. Now that his heart had stopped beating, the flow slowed enough that the empty space where his brain should have been was plainly visible."

Do you see what I'm getting at? Sorry if this is confusing, I'm just really tired at the moment. ;)

The man lay in the sun that whole long day, reaching so close to the relative safety of his cabin’s window, but never making it there. Insects and animals eventually ravaged the body, until nothing but a mangled mass of rotting skin and innards draped the bones.


I like the idea of irony here, and also the disturbing nature of the theme that "nowhere is safe." However, I think it could be worded more clearly. Also, the word "eventually" suggests a longer time than one day, and is also a very weak word. Maybe say something like, "As time wore on, insects and the occasional animal worked away at the body, until nothing..." or something like that.

Our hero stood up with a groan that should have belonged to a man much older than he. Not that he was a young man; but he certainly wasn’t old enough to sound like he was arthritic and rheumatic.


This is second person now... Where did that come from? For me, personally, I think the whole story would be stronger if it was just in plain third person, without the second person/omniscient patches. Like I said earlier, it would probably feel more immediate.


back to his own little cabin.

I like this sentence because it immediately gives us the feeling that he, too, is vulnerable. Good job.

Ok, I think that's it. I hope this helps you a little bit. And now that I'm interested in your story, when the rest is posted, feel free to tell me. I'll be happy to give you a review.

See you around!

Lupis




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Canis, thank you so much for your review! I see what you mean by the POV change - I was actually hoping to give it a mysterious, somewhat detached explanation and description of the scene. That's kind of the tone I tried to keep throughout the rest of the story, which is why I don't name the "hero." I wanted it to be an odd tale.

And I'll let you know when I put up the next part! :D Thanks again!
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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Wow! Sorry it took me so long to check this out Ranger, I just saw your comment on my Guestbook and came right over :D

First of all, its awesome! And not just because its based off Monster :wink:

But I love the drama and the mystery, and the witty banter going on inside the head of the hero!

WOO! Hero's rule!!

And second, I'm honored that you would ask me to look at it :smt003 I can't wait to see more!!

Keep up the awesomesauce work!

-Irish :elephant:

P.S McSkillet Fans rule!
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I see what you mean. In fact, I agree--keeping the main character's name hidden makes it feel like it could be anyone. The detached nature is good as well, as long as you don't do it to such an extreme that we can't relate to the character. I think you can retain most of that, and still get rid of the awkward and/or passive sentences.

I look forward to reading more!

Lupis




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Hehe thank you my McSkillet friend! I'm really glad that you liked it! :elephant:


Thanks Lupis! I'll try to polish it up and make sure my POV doesn't go all over the map. ;)
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Aliens and Monster? Will review tomorrow. Maybe. :smt015
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Ranger Hawk wrote:

Monster

The blood spattered the window with a sound resembling that of rain on a summer day. Awesome description here! It makes me almost hear it because the sound of rain is a familiar sound. Great job! But instead of running easily down the pane as water droplets would have, the blood stuck to it tenaciously. Early morning sunlight shone through, casting the room in a reddish glow. Of course, there was no one to notice the fact, since the owner of the room and the cabin was the source whence the blood had come. I would change this to "since the owner of the cabin was the source of the blood." It seems more natural.

The body that had recently held the blood was lying outside the window, in a manner that suggested a struggle had ensued. It had been a man; that much was evident by the bare head. He was dressed in warm clothes, which made sense, considering the recently cold temperatures. There was a gold ring that glinted dully from the left hand. There would be at least one person who would miss him, then. Probably more. From the almost portly stomach I agree. Is the man portly or not? to the hand-knitted scarf that was now flung away, torn in two, he seemed to be an average human being "man" would be a better word. with an average, yet fulfilling, life.

Which led to the question, why? Why was he now covered in his own blood that had poured out of the large hole in his head? What could have done that? It looked like the markings of a beast; a savage, vicious, bloodthirsty beast, perhaps, that subsisted off of a man’s brain. For the grayish matter, that nerve central I would change it to something like "that was the nerve central" or "the nerve central." Again, it seems a bit more natural. was missing.

The man lay in the sun that whole long day, reaching so close to the relative safety of his cabin’s window, but never making it there. Insects and animals eventually ravaged the body, until nothing but a mangled mass of rotting skin and innards draped the bones.

This was the sight that greeted our hero’s eyes as he came tromping through the dense thicket of trees and entered the clearing. A cry of shock, horror, and repulsion left his mouth, and he hurried closer to the scene. Take out the comma and write "as" instead of "and."

“Another one,” he muttered aloud. There wasn’t anyone else to talk to, of course, so he relayed the fact to himself, and noted it with interest. The dialogue below should be here instead of a paragraph below.

“Same manner of death, I wonder?”

He snapped a long, thin branch off a nearby tree and, crouching down, gingerly poked the skull. It rolled over on its side easily enough, and he craned his neck to get a better look.

“Hole in the skull,” he remarked aloud. “Same as last time.”

Our hero stood up with a groan that should have belonged to a man much older than he. Not that he was a young man; but he certainly wasn’t old enough to sound like he was arthritic and rheumatic.

“It couldn’t be, could it?” he mused. “But then again, no animal that I know of could create a hole like that. It’s too perfect.” Perhaps, he pondered hopefully, it was the work of some psychopathic murderer, who used some cylindrical implement to stab his victims in the head and then—

The bolded paragraph should be here. It would be better.

“Took the brains?” Our hero scoffed at the idea. “To what purpose? Study? They’d be more use to him whole, not dragged out through a small opening like that.” The bolded paragraph should be here.

Then a more disturbing thought occurred. “Eat them? Perhaps in some delusional idea that he’d grow smarter?”

Either way, he clung to the slim hope that whatever had killed the man was a human. Not what he thought it really was. If that was the case—he shuddered and focused on the corpse.

“Well, there’s nothing I can do for him. Don’t even have any way of knowing how to identify him. That’s for the authorities anyways, if they weren’t so frickin’ scared of coming up here.”

He took one more solemn I would add "and disgusted" right here. It would just make it clear that he was not pleased with it. Just a thought. look at the remains before turning and heading back to his own little cabin.


I hope this information is actually useful.
Writing...writing is beyond amazing. Writing is imagination on paper. I love writing more than I can express.




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Thank you very much! It really is helpful. :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Was I too harsh? :( I hope not. I wasn't meaning to be mean or anything. :)
Writing...writing is beyond amazing. Writing is imagination on paper. I love writing more than I can express.



You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.
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