Sonnet: Seas of Iron, Skies of Soot

Here's a sonnet I wrote based on my dreams...


Seas of Iron, Skies of Soot

In the days of old, I’ve often stood,
Beneath many a hallowed ceiling.
And I’ve dreamt of many lands, formed of water, earth, and wood,
Dreamt of seas of iron, and skies of soot that send me reeling.

A cathedral stands in an ancient forest,
Its pews and altar made from branches and leaves.
It bears an iron cross, forged in Bucharest,
And windowpanes long since stolen by thieves.

I sail amongst the outermost isles,
That lie ’twixt here and the River Sea.
I fall in, drown, and float for miles,
Finally clambering onto a barge bound for Shang Xi.

But while these dream-journeys distract me from my real life,
I know that I must soon return to the awful war and strife.

Hey there! Welcome to YWS! I hope you're having a nice time so far.

This is a nice poem, it really is. However, I did think that sonnets were supposed to have 10 syllables in each line? Your syllable counts go: 9,9,14,15. 11,11,11,10. 9,9,8,14. 14,13. I'm not sure if I've got this right, but I'm pretty sure that's the format Shakespeare used. Even if you aren't following that, then because the syllables are sort of off then the poem doesn't flow as well as it should do.

You've got the rhyme scheme and structure of a sonnet right, and I can't fault your rhyme scheme, really. It's all very nice. The idea of it is really cool as well, and you've pulled it off in a lovely way. Nice work!

~Amy

Thanks for the review! I know my poem doesn't quite fit the "iambic pentameter" or whatever it's called. I didn't want to be too precise, or else I don't think I would have been able to find words that fitted both the syllable count and what I wanted to describe.

Hello!
This was brilliant! I found the rhythm brilliant and that made it a good read! You've used a good set of language as well and conveyed a picture that's both implicit and vivid. I like that a lot. I think the number of syllables is fine, just depending on how each individual reader reads this. So I've established, that in my opinion, your poem is a little like Marmite! You either love it or you dislike it, because I can't see anyone hating this.
Lovely work!
Ben.

thajaro wrote:That lie ’twixt here and the River Sea.

'twixt here could be betwixt, It wouldn't ruin your rhythm or anything, and I find it a little distracting to put apostrophes into words that don't really need them.
Besides that, beautiful imagery and flow.
I didn't recognize your rhyme scheme at first-- which I suppose is a good thing, because it doesn't seem forced at all.
Great job and keep rhyming,
Empress

I love absolutely sonnets, and I thought this one was pretty good . You've got a way of rhyming, at time I felt the rhythm was a little off, but I didn't find that too much of a big deal.

A cathedral stands in an ancient forest,
Its pews and altar made from branches and leaves.
It bears an iron cross, forged in Bucharest,
And windowpanes long since stolen by thieves.

I think this stanza was my favorite, I could really picture ruins of an old church that had been overtaken by the forest. Keep writing!

Thajaro!

I don't really like sonnets. One of my friends and I often write poems to share with each other, and when we get lazy, we write really silly, sappy, or cliche sonnets that don't make sense at all, or aren't even half-reasonable, so it's doesn't help my dislike for them, haha.

At any rate, I fell in love with yours, although there are a few things that could be improved.

In the days of old, I’ve often stood,
Beneath many a hallowed ceiling.
And I’ve dreamt of many lands, formed of water, earth, and wood,
Dreamt of seas of iron, and skies of soot that send me reeling.

The two last lines are toooo long. Aside from that standard abab scheme, sonnets usually have even meter, I do believe, and I think you should cut them back a little, but goodness. The image is pretty!

A cathedral stands in an ancient forest,
Its pews and altar made from branches and leaves.
It bears an iron cross, forged in Bucharest,
And windowpanes long since stolen by thieves.

I'd kill "stands" in the first line. Verbs that make things sticky narrative = my dislike, but I'm just being picky.

I sail amongst the outermost isles,
That lie ’twixt here and the River Sea.
I fall in, drown, and float for miles,
Finally clambering onto a barge bound for Shang Xi.

I like this! I wish you had the room to elaborate on this more...

But while these dream-journeys distract me from my real life,
I know that I must soon return to the awful war and strife.

The closing of this doesn't actually do justice, because it kills the excitement of adventure that you had going there... perhaps for good reason, but still! I think I would've liked to see a bit more on the adventure, probably denial that you have to go back to realism or something. Just, I think you should be a little more creative with the ending so that it's not a fall-flat-disappoint-the-audience sort of line.

Keep it up!

June

Hey there!

I absolutely love the imagery here - while reading your poem, I could just imagine the scene of the cathedral, the forest... nice job! =)

Only one thing:

And I’ve dreamt of many lands, formed of water, earth, and wood,
Dreamt of seas of iron, and skies of soot that send me reeling.

These lines are a bit too long.

Other than that, this was brilliant. The fifth line to the last lines is my favourite part.

I look forward to more of your work.