Escaping the Whisper Chpt 1

A/N: This is pretty gruesome at first but it will not be like this the entire story. Please Review, thanks! (The dream that she had was the prologe which will be p tomorrow, only reason it's not p now is because I honestly havent written it yet )


I shot up from my bed a scream threatening to erupt from my lungs. I breathed heavily, trying to stabilize my heart beat. Sweat glistened off my forehead as I realized in horror this was the fourth time in a row that I had this nightmare.

All the blood....

I detangled myself from the sheets and walked to the bathroom. I ran cold water over my face, then looked towards the full-length mirror. After making sure that no blood was spiling freely out of my body, I went to the kitchen and put the silver kettle on.

I still don't understand why this was happening maybe my sister really was coming back to haunt me. Cross that, I didn't want to think about her....or the way she died. My breath caught in my throat; I felt a breeze of cool air and my eyes glazed over. My body tensed in fear, I was having a vision.
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He looked around the white room splattered with scarlet red, his eyes resting on the table where the dripping knife sat. The knife was not the only tool of torture he used that night. It was just his favorite, now glistening in the scarlet red that was Annabelle Chasergy's blood.

Her shallow breath and the miniscule movements from her chest was the only proof she was still alive. Too bad it wouldn't be that way for long. Pity, the young fool.

He stood and breathed deeply, enjoying the scent that filled the room The smell of pain, fear, defeat and self-pity. The smell of the rusting chains against the wall, the smell of the blank staring look her eyes would hold soon, the smell of psychopathic glee. The smell of Death.
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I sat rigid in my chair, replaying the vivid pictures of my sister drenched in blood, in my mind on a continuous loop. My breath quickened as I sat non-moving in the solitary kitchen chair, my mind seemingly unable to produce anything but my sister’s last moments.

The whistle of the kettle cut through my mind-spasm, I shook her head, as if dazed, standing to get my cup of tea. My hands shook and it was only when I spilt the boiling water on my fingers twice that I realized I would not be able to pour the water.

Sighing, I put the kettle back on the stove, glacing at the glaring digital clock on the stove reading 3:47AM.

I slowly walked back towards my room, slipping into my bed. I hoped, no, prayed I could get to sleep and spend the rest of my night in peace.

Hello, I'm Light_Devil and I'll be your reviewer today. I'll be nice. . Anything in red is a spelling mistake that I have fixed up, anything in green is a grammatical mistake that I have fixed and things in purple are just general things that I might find.

I shot up from my bed, sweat glistening off my forehead, a scream threatening to erupt from my lungs. This was the fourth time in a row that I had this nightmare.

I think that this could be cut up into more dramatic sentences. "I shot up from my bed, a scream threatening to erupt from my lungs. Sweat glistened off my forehead as I realised that this was the fourth . . . so on so forth."

All that blood . . .

I changed the "the" to that because "the" didn't flow properly.

I disentangled myself from the sheets and walked to the bathroom. I ran cold water over my face, then looked towards the full-length mirror. After making sure all my body parts were in place, I went to the kitchen and put the kettle on.

Starting two continous sentences is a thing you should try to avoid, it gives a feeling a repetition that people don't like very much. Try rewording the second sentence, such as, "Splashing cold water over my face I looked into mirror . . ."

I still don't understand why this was happening, maybe my sister really was coming back to haunt me. Cross that, I didn't want to think about her . . . or the way she died. My breath caught in my throat; I felt a breeze of cool air and my eyes glazed over. I know this feeling, I was having a vision.

There are two different tenses in this sentence. Either change "don't" to "didn't" or "was" to "is". The next bit of purple - How do you feel your eyes glaze over? Just a question . . .

The knife was not the only tool of torture he used that night. It was just his favorite, now glistening in the scarlet red that was Annabelle Chasergy's blood.

This sentence doesn't sound like it should be connected. I think the "now glistening in the scarlet . . ." should have it's own separate sentence while the "It was just his favourite" should be combined with the first, or have its own sentence as well. Also a better way of phrasing the blood glistening part would be, "It glistened in the scarlet red liquid which had once ran through Annabelle Chasergy's veins."

Her shallow breath and the minuscule movements from her chest was the only proof she was still alive. Too bad it wouldn't be that way for long.

My favourite paragraph.

He stood and breathed deeply, enjoying the smell around. The smell of pain, fear, defeat and self-pity. The smell of Death.

When was He sitting? I wasn't aware He was sitting . . . Otherwise, I like this part as well.

I sat rigid in my chair, replaying the vivid pictures of my sister drenched in blood in my mind on a continuous loop. My breath quickened as I sat non-moving in a solitary kitchen chair, my mind seemingly unable to produce anything but my sister’s the last moments.

I think this should be images, not pictures. I don't think non-moving is essential in this sentence. "The" is a little mistake.

The whistle of the kettle cut through my mind-spasm, I shook her head, as if dazed, standing to get the my cup of tea. My hands shook and it was only when I spilt the boiling water on my fingers twice that I realized I would not be able to pour the water.

Mind-spasm? It doesn't sound like what she's having. Please use a different word. The word "her" is meant to be "my". Again you have an extra "the". Rewrite this sentence - it doesn't sound very convincing.

Sighing, I put the kettle back on the stove, the time reading 3:47AM and slowly walked back towards my room; slipping into the bed and hoping, no, praying to sleep the rest of the night in peace.

How did she know the time? Also that was a very long sentence. Please cut it up into two to make it easier to read.


Overall:

I liked it. This story has the potential to be very interesting. I would like to know why she has "visions" and why she has felt them before, but I suppose all in good time. A little more description wouldn't go to waste, . Barely any grammatical mistakes good work! I would enjoy reading more of your story.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.

Hello, my name is Maddy and I'll be reviewing your work.
I'm quite a nice critique (but I do rip thing pieces by pieces, as a heads up), and specialise in advice rather then grammar.

After making sure all my body parts were in place

I really think you should play on the words in this sentence because it can has potential. An example I can think of is: "After assuring myself that all my limbs were in place". See what I mean?

I still don't understand why this was happening, maybe my sister really was coming back to haunt me.

Don't need the comma. This paragraph feels like it needs to be longer, so lose the comma and put a full stop in.

My breath caught in my throat; I felt a breeze of cool air and my eyes glazed over. I know this feeling, I was having a vision.

Don't just say she knew what the feeling was like, say how she felt about the feeling. Does she enjoy them? Is she afraid of them? I know it becomes obvious in the vision that only a psycho would love to see that, but a bit of description would go well with this paragraph.

The knife was not the only tool of torture he used that night. It was just his favorite, now glistening in the scarlet red that was Annabelle Chasergy's blood.

Hmmm, another example where a paragraph can be streched. Here's an example:
The knife was not the only tool of torture he used that night. It was just his favorite. The blade now glistened in the scarlet red that was Annabelle Chasergy's blood.
See what I mean?

Her shallow breath and the miniscule movements from her chest was the only proof she was still alive. Too bad it wouldn't be that way for long.

Could he say what he feels before the last sentence? Maybe "Hopeless fool." or something along the lines of that.

He stood and breathed deeply, enjoying the smell around. The smell of pain, fear, defeat and self-pity. The smell of Death.

Here's a great example of Show, don't tell: What does death smell like? Could he smell a peculiar shampoo wafter from her hair, the paniced eyes of the victim whizzing in their sockets, the rust on the rigging holding her down? Describe the fear, describe the death, don't tell us. Most reader will feel the emotion of the paragraph more if you show us the scene's senses rather than stating them.

unable to produce anything but my sister’s the last moments.

Get rid of the "the" between "sister's" and "last".

The whistle of the kettle cut through my mind-spasm, I shook her head, as if dazed, standing to get the my cup of tea. My hands shook and it was only when I spilt the boiling water on my fingers twice that I realized I would not be able to pour the water.

A metaphor would sound great at the end of the first sentence. "cut through my mind-spasm like a burst balloon" is fine.
"standing to get the my cup of tea"= Get rid of the "the"
"My hands shook"= A repeat of shook too soon. "Trembled", "Wobbled" are great for replacing shook.
"and it was only when I spilt the"= Put a "then" before the word when.

Sighing, I put the kettle back on the stove, the time reading 3:47AM and slowly walked back towards my room; slipping into the bed and hoping, no praying to sleep the rest of the night in peace.

It's crucial to any story that you must match description to the situation. How can she be looking at the time and put the kettle on the stove at the same time? Is the clock near the stove? You must state this!
"I put the kettle back on the stove, glacing at the clock. It read 3:47am."
This is how you should say it.
"and slowly walked back towards my room; slipping into the bed and hoping, no praying to sleep the rest of the night in peace."= Plenty of grammar mistakes here. I'll edit it:
"I slowly walked back towards my room, slipping into my bed. I hoped, no, prayed I could get to sleep and spend the rest of my night in peace.


There you are! I hope I wasn't too harsh.
I am curious about the main character and her past, and I do want to read on.

I'm not going to go very in-depth here, but I thought I'd just say I liked it. You have a nice, simple yet clear writing style. And you did a good job at showing her pain at losing her sister. Already I'm curious what happened/will happen. Post more of this soon okay?

Hey,
This is really good! I am really curious as to what happened to her sister. you are a really good writer but what I would really like to see is a little more detain in like what the bathroom looks like and the kitvhen and like the kettle as in like: I placed the small blue kettle on the stove. Your fellow writer for Jesus...


Horse

Hi
I think that the chapter is amazing and I want to read the rest. I like the way you link to the past and then how you come back to the present.

Little short for a chapter I'd say, but a healthy start, certainly. As a hook this worked quite well, and if you'd do me the honor of sending a little PM my way after you complete another chapter, I'd be most grateful.

The "gruesome" parts as you stated were handled maturely and effectively, still managing to give me a knot in the tummy but not descending into B-grade shock and splatter. I'm interested in these characters, and I commend the way you introduced the main plot points. It didn't feel like exposition at all.

All said and done I'd like to see more, but maybe put a little bit more into the posts before sticking 'em on here. Little short for my taste.

Ta-da good ma'am. Keep up the writing.

He looked around the white room splattered with scarlet red, his eyes resting on the table where the dripping knife sat. The knife was not the only tool of torture he used that night. It was just his favorite, now glistening in the scarlet red that was Annabelle Chasergy's blood.

My favorite part of the story. *throws back head and laughs like a mad man* Just kidding.

But, as mentioned before the flow of the paragraph is all over the place.

-Adrian the leader of the communists. Secretly he plans to destroy them from the inside. Someone once said that they killed peaceful ralliers because they were obviously hungry. It's one of the posts from the randomness forum that was deleted. Along with supposedly hundreds more.

I love your story!!!!!!!!!!! I can see everything vividly with your discripsions, and the suspens makes me want to scream!!!!!! I like how you gave the person a vision and it makes me think of what it could lead too....

Hey Jasmine! Wow, I think this is some of the best writing you've done so far, I really like it. There are a few simple spelling mistakes that caught my eye though.

After making sure that no blood was spilingspilling freely out of my body, I went to the kitchen and put the silver kettle on.

Her shallow breath and the miniscule minuscule movements from her chest was the only proof she was still alive. Too bad it wouldn't be that way for long. Pity, the young fool.

Sighing, I put the kettle back on the stove, glacingglancing at the glaring digital clock on the stove reading 3:47AM.

You're really got me interested now, I'm off to read the next chapter .

Hiya, Classy here.

Phew! I am so glad you don't have dialogue in here. Lol, just kidding.

So I am very confused. I also think you should have added more in this post.

I am not sure what is going on. Do you switch points of view between those ~~~ things? If so, you need to be more clear about it. You switch for a nanosecond, and I don't feel as though it is very necessary. I mean, you don't tell me anything here anyways, why confuse the reader?

On the other hand, this is interesting me more and more. Your first few sentences were so attention grabbing, and I felt as thought I actually had blood and sweat on me. Nasty!

Keep writing, on to the next one.

Classy

hi,
I liked the story but I think it was way too short for first chapter.I don't have much to point out but I think when you describe something it becomes really out of grammar.I don't know how to say it but the story's good.I would really like to know more about the character and her sister in following chapters.

I really like your writing style, simple yet descriptive when nessesary. The chapter was great though slightly short. I hope to hear more about the girl and her sister in the fallowing chapters and about their life. I was a little bit confused though so in the fallowing I would maybe suggest a good explanaination. I think it is a great start and a wonderful plot.