Black Ink [edit]

[Go to comment 10 for rewrite in first person]


“How does the defendant plead?” the voice echoes in the room. The audience waits quietly for the answer, biting their lips as if this is their favorite TV program, and the good part is comin' up.

“Guilty.” She ignores the protests of the man standing next to her, with his greased back hair and styled, pin-striped suit.

“Your honor, I'd like a moment to speak to my client.” The greased man says. He's shaking, she can see, trembling beneath the gaze of his superior.

She spares a glance for her own attire, a faded blue suit borrowed from her mother, too big around the waist of the skirt and too tight around her middle. The greased man pities her.

“No,” she says, “no, I know what I am doing. I plead guilty.” She looks up, there are tears in her eyes, but her voice does not crack, and she does not shake.

The audience is on their toes, licking their lips greedily, waiting for the climax of their favorite show.

The woman stares down at her, her eyes bore into her, but she does not budge. With a quiet resignation, she accepts her crimes.

“If I may speak, your honor?” she asks. The request is spoken timidly, as if she is sure the woman will tell her no. She will bare her sins before this audience, ashamed that they take such pleasure in her downfall.

The woman nods. It's a curt, harsh sort of thing, she will not be gaining any sympathy, it seems.

She steps out around the table, covered in papers full of the lies she was supposed to tell today. She glares at them for a moment, her decision cemented more firmly in her own mind.

“I've made mistakes, your honor, I am not asking for your sympathy or pity or even your understanding, I am simply asking to be heard.” Now she is studied, the greased man is shaking his head, looking both alarmed and horrified, and the audience is drooling.

The beast has learned a new trick! Watch! Watch as she stands on her hind legs. Watch her. Watch her!

She pauses, gaining her strength and shifting from foot too foot. The tears still drip their way down her cheeks, meeting at her chip and falling lifelessly onto the front of her blouse.

“The pills that were found in my purse were mine.” She is calm, the greased man shudders and slumps back into his seat. “And yes, I was aware that they were not vitamins.” She resists the urge to glare back at the sheets of paper on the desk, with their black ink, insisting that she tell lies.

“They were mine, and I bought them, and I was intending to take them.”

The audience is shaking now, the climax has excited them.

The woman alone remains calm, staring intently at her face. “Why are you telling me this?”

She pauses, her eyes scanning the audience, she sees him there, in the back. He is scared, shaking in his seat, his eyes puffy and his cheeks pink.

“Because my daddy taught me not to tell lies.”

She sees him, sitting with her captive audience, he alone wants this day to end well for her.

The woman nods, this one longer, slower than the last. She is listening.

“May I continue?” She is polite, the woman likes this about her.

Another nod, and her sins continue, damning though they may be.

“I don't remember the last time I was sober...” she pauses, for a moment lost, the tears fall freely once more. She manages to glance back again, his tears fall too... she wishes he wouldn't have to hear this. “I won't lie to you, ma'am, I won't say I didn't know what I was doing, and I won't tell you that I was pushed into this life. I went there on my own, and I got lost, and I've been waiting a long time for a sign that I could get out.”

She tilts her head to the side, a curious expression crossing her face. She still does not know.

She shakes her head, losing her glazed expression and regaining her calm. “I stand now in the mercy of your judgment. I have been lost a long time, through my own doing, through my own fault. I want to get back onto a path again. I don't want to be lost anymore.”

The greased man is watching her, he is numb, now he too is watching his favorite program on TV. For the first moment, the audience is silent, all waiting for sweet judgment to be passed.

The woman is studying her, and she can tell that she is repeating everything she has said in her mind.

Finally, the woman smiles, it is warm, maternal, and it speaks of years of passing judgment. “Child, you are very lost. But I think I see a path before you.”

She staggers for a moment, letting out a breath she had not known she held.

The audience is outraged, if the woman would let them, they would slam their fists and bark in anger. The greased man is startled by this decision, he sits disgruntled in his seat, his pretty stack of papers with their black ink glaring back at him.

“It will not be easy, this path I place you on. It will take hard work, and dedication. I expect to see this from you.” The woman says, she is still studying, her head tilted to the side and her eyes slightly squinted.

“Thank you! Thank you, your honor! But... why have you done this?”

She smiled, lost in thought for only a moment.

“Because my daddy taught me to give second chances.”

Fantastic!

Wow!

Well, this is phenomenal stuff. I can see a few issues, but I loved it.

Present tense is difficult for some people to read comfortably. I know it feels like you're giving it a sense of immediacy, like, this is happening now, but sometimes past tense is just more comfortable.

The other thing is you have really short paragraphs. It breaks it up too much and again, makes it hard to read, like it's less fluent and things are happening in between that we're not hearing about. Don't cut down on the dialogue, but add in a bit more description. How is the client feeling? Her lawyer? The judge? Her father? You seem to focus on the client so maybe her feelings are most important, but you could give a little more insight by her reaction to, for example, her father's face.

Later on, you could switch to the judge's point of view, or you could keep with the girl's. I reccommend keeping the girl, because that makes much more sense. You're also flitting to the jury's point of view throughout and that can be confusing. Besides that, they're not an audience! They're not here to see a show, they're here to make a judgement. You could do a lot with representing them as terrifyingly judgemental people. And the girl could be more scared about telling the truth, because that would make her more relatable.

But - and it's a big "but" - you have something amazing here. If I was a publisher, after you'd done that, I would have it in stores by now, in collections of short stories or something. It would be the first one. I absolutely love your point in this.

Gold star for you, my dear!

Hope I helped
~Grin

Present tense is difficult for some people to read comfortably. I know it feels like you're giving it a sense of immediacy, like, this is happening now, but sometimes past tense is just more comfortable.

No offense, but I see nothing complicated with present tense. I've actually never heard of it being confusing or difficult before.

You're also flitting to the jury's point of view throughout and that can be confusing. Besides that, they're not an audience! They're not here to see a show, they're here to make a judgement.

They aren't the jury. There is no jury in most small cases like these, it's just the crowd that shows up to watch the proceedings


Thanks for the much appreciated comments!

--OverEasy

Hi OverEasy,

Ridiculous.

I don't care if this was a true story or not or whatever. The non-fiction piece is incredibly naive and uninteresting and goes downhill from the first sentence. It's a cartoon, characters will blown-up bobble heads and white gloved hands who prance around shouting cliches at one another and being good for one blissful second of smirks until the reader realizes that this idiocy is continuing on for several hundred words at least.

You need to take this from the beginning and work on it if you actually feel some connection to this story, which, judging by the terrible way the characterization and description is performed, I highly doubt.

It's a pity you completely ignore all of your rules in the writing tip you recently posted, down to the very last one about grammar, which is pathetic considering.

OverEasy wrote:“How does the defendant plead?” the voice echoes in the room. The audience waits quietly for the answer, biting their lips as if this is their favorite TV program, and the good part is comin' up.

This is the first of many bad judgments in which you decide that telling us what the audience feels is more important than making us feel what they do - or at least making us feel repulsed by their barbaric behavior. Instead, all we get is a typecast snapshot into the imagery-less mind of one of the faceless group. It's completely unsatisfying and the first thing to fix. This is one of the easiest emotions to present - animalism, the smell of blood, sharks honing their refined bodies to do what they were born to do. Make it visceral, show us.

“Guilty.” She ignores the protests of the man standing next to her, with his greased back hair and styled, pin-striped suit.

Right, and this isn't a cliched description of the typical "lawyer" at all. Scrap it, come up with a way to make him human, if even if he is a money-oriented, slimy human.

Furthermore, you refer to him as "greased" throughout the entire story. There has to be more to his image than glistening hair and nothing else. Show it.

I'm not going to go into a line-by-line critique because it was a gargantuan chore in itself to finish reading this chop suey of bad writing, bad characterization, bad style, bad form, bad grammar, and bad storyline.

The main problems are the fact that your characters are one-dimensional. The woman is cute, the judge is nice, the greased man is greasy, and the audience is tactless/bloodthirsty. No dynamics, except for one part where you do try to tell us that the judge changed by originally saying that she was seen as harsh and without pity, and then unexpectedly turning her into a kind old grandmother with a warm smile. Even that was done abruptly and without any sort of transition, and in future writings, there must be steps leading up to a second platform, not a giant leap as you've done.

The storyline itself was stupid and unimpressive. A woman stands in front of the judge, shows remorse by spilling her guts and being sickeningly cute by saying things like "my daddy taught me not to tell lies", and the judge responds similarly, and the audience is disappointed. The end.

There really needs to be some kind of conflict, some element that makes the audience actually either hate the defendant or fear for her. There needs to be a turning point that's built so that it doesn't stick out sorely, and the plot needs to always proceed logically (or at least within the logic of the system).

In general, this unfortunate piece is sick at its core and the best thing you can do for it now is to kill it; don't try to reform it, don't try to take anything out of it to re-use. There's simply nothing in it. Instead, start fresh and think of a story that goes somewhere, not around itself in a 360-degree point, and use that as a template to build the house which will be the writing itself.

And take a grammar class, either in real life or here on YWS. Writing like this is doing nothing to help the reader follow what you are trying to say:

She sees him, sitting with her captive audience, he alone wants this day to end well for her.

The audience is outraged, if the woman would let them, they would slam their fists and bark in anger.

It's unfortunate that in all of your recent works posted on these forums, you haven't improved in terms of how you portray the main and secondary characters and the depth of the theme. Work on another, unburdened, piece and make it something more.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Hello Tiff! Here as I said I'd be.

I do work best through nit-picks, so I shall go into some slightly confusing bits first.

a faded blue suit borrowed from her mother, too big around the waist of the skirt and too tight around her middle.

I consider "waist" and "middle" almost synonymous. I can't get a clear picture of the outfit because of it.

The woman stares down at her, her eyes bore into her, but she does not budge. With a quiet resignation, she accepts her crimes.

The pronouns here get fuzzy. I can follow who is doing what, but I had to read the sentence a couple of times to completely understand. Maybe use the proper nouns a bit more? I'd also suggest replacing the first comma with a period or semicolon. I find it makes the sentence a bit easier to follow.

It's a curt, harsh sort of thing, she will not be gaining any sympathy, it seems.

The commas here, again. Between "thing" and "she." Because there are three commas here, that middle one trips me up. The other option is to delete "it seems" because it could also be dragging the sentence down.

She steps out around the table, covered in papers full of the lies she was supposed to tell today. She glares at them for a moment, her decision cemented more firmly in her own mind.

I like this line. At first, I wondered why glaring at the papers would cement the decision more firmly in her mind, but then I put together the meaning of the second half of the story together and it made more sense. There could be less ambiguity in here, but it's not a necessity.

The beast has learned a new trick! Watch! Watch as she stands on her hind legs. Watch her. Watch her!

This is really the only line I raised an eyebrow at. It seemed to come so far out of left field, without any other metaphors leading up to it, that I skipped this line my first read. I realize now it's some outside voice describing how the audience is supposed to view the girl. However, without a strong metaphor of the girl being a circus animal, this line emphasizing the metaphor doesn't feel supported.

You do have this metaphor before, with the tv show, but this line sounds like something a ringmaster would say; it's a bit out of place. The tv show metaphor also played a lesser part before this and after, more like a character in itself rather than a metaphor. I'd suggest making that metaphor slightly stronger to keep this line. Or, make this line more ephemeral, more about the audience viewing instead of a voice-over for the trial.

I'm pointing this out so much because this line could really strengthen an interesting undertone to the work, but I'd forgotten about what the line represented as soon as I'd scrolled past. You could bring in a stronger feel of this all being a show.

She pauses, gaining her strength and shifting from foot too foot. The tears still drip their way down her cheeks, meeting at her chip and falling lifelessly onto the front of her blouse.

“The pills that were found in my purse were mine.” She is calm

The tears and the calm seem almost counter-intuitive. I'd like just a bit more explanation, so that we can understand how she's feeling a bit more.

She pauses, her eyes scanning the audience, she sees him there, in the back.

Another sentence where the middle comma is tripping me up a bit.

She tilts her head to the side, a curious expression crossing her face. She still does not know.

I'm unsure who "she" is here. It could be the judge, it could be the MC. At first I thought it was the judge, but the last sentence there made me think it was the MC.

She smiled, lost in thought for only a moment.

"Smiled" is past tense, when you've used present-tense throughout.

*

I enjoyed this work, as I told you before, a great deal. There's a subtle beauty here, with a slow progression to the result. I smiled at how the story was the result of a father's lessons, and just how simplistic everything seems on the surface but by digging just a little bit deeper, you see so many levels here. Absolute beauty. An innocence that can be seen as a game, a show, but comes from something close to the person's heart. It truly is something touching, to be looked at from all angles. Upon first read I simply grasped the overlaying concept, about fathers' lessons. But as I reviewed, I saw how this was all a show to those not involved. But if you saw the strength and confidence, then you'd find something to tug at your heartstrings even more.

That's why my only real suggestion, other than clearing up some minor bits of confusion, is to make the metaphor of this being a show stronger. It was something just barely under the surface, but I think this work could be more touching if there was that little bit of friction between the outside world and inside one. Not much, mind. Too much and this would look overblown, I think. But tease it out a bit more. Let the reader feel the same as the girl: feeling alone and lost against the world. There's already a touch of that in the work. Let us feel it completely.

Happy writing!

~Rosey

Gal, I appreciate that you have your opinions, however, don't ever tell me or anyone else to throw a piece of writing away simply because you are not a fan. Your opinion is not law, no matter how highly you think of yourself. And, others seem to have quite the opposite opinion, meaning that clearly the work has some potential, whether you recognize it or not.

Rosie!

Thank you very much, my dear, I'll look into your comments and edit very soon.

It's kind of amazing what sorts of Hollywood stories are actually non-fiction! I think it's awesome.

These are going to be just general comments, I think, since this appears to be a rough draft and I don't want to tell you what precisely (as far as style and everything goes) until your draft becomes more final, but when you edit it, please bug me and I'll be there to help!

Also, I may be being a little bit too nit-picky with my comments, but that's because you did say that you would like to publish it, so hey! Nit-picky is good?

The strongest character, by far, is the girl (hmm... wonder who that can be? ) and her strength and fortitude in telling this sort of stuff. I would never do that... I wouldn't have the nerve. But she does. It's really awesome. However, if I didn't know you personally, I don't think I would have a clear idea of who this person is. And since you're thinking about publishing this... well... I'm going to bug you about it. So I would totally give more personal clues as to who this girl is. For example, I don't know how old she is, how she's moving about, and other little details which, I think, are in your head, but you forgot to fill them in. So just put yourself in more. It'll be a lot better.

Now, about the audience... I haven't had the personal experience doing jury duty, but from pretty much everybody I've talked with about this subject, they say it's boring and most of the time they're trying not to fall asleep during it. So it seems strange that you're portraying them as predators. Maybe some would be predators, mind you, but not all of them. So it rings untrue for me when you portray them as such and makes it seem unreal. This might be acceptable if you were more intimate with your heroine...that is, if you were in her mind wand she saw the people in this way, but the narrative is largely detached from her. It's just odd.

Next... the lawyer. What a slimeball! But I would like to see more movement from him... like, what is he doing? Is he holding is head? Looking away from her? Shaking his head? Trying to interrupt her? So basically, more action, please. And I know I've been talking about movement for forever and a half, but the reason why is because movements can show sooo much about the character. And right now, all I see him as a greasy slimeball. I would like to see him as something slightly more.

And I realize that you may be aiming to be more metaphorical here by treating the jury and lawyer as something more otherworldly and less human, but in order to do this, you have to describe more fully, but exaggerate certain features only. So you would describe how the jury is looking at you and such, but especially focus on their (for instance) teeth and how perfectly white they are. If this makes sense.

As far as the judge... well... I agree with Rosey. I kept on getting the judge confused with the girl and OY. I would suggest that you would call the judge "the judge" instead of the woman... right now, it's really confusing. And I would also like a physical description, just so we get a picture of her as a human once. That way, when she transforms from the tight-lipped judge to the forgiving grandmotherly type, it makes more sense since you already stressed subtly with your description that she was human.

As always, if you need me to clarify anything, you can always always bug me. And tell me when you post another version! It'll be interesting to see how your edits go.


EDIT:

I just read your comment about the jury (because I kind of ignore comments at first? No offense, lol!) Anyway, that clears up some confusion I had... I was wondering why there would be a jury for a minor offense like this. ^_^

However, I think it would be nice to clarify this a little bit more and describe certain faces from the crowd which were noticeable and then Daddy's face and how different it looked from the other faces. That way, it would end up making the other faces more animal-like and strange and it would show how important Daddy is here.

Sorry for not reading the whole thing properly!

I am starting to think the whole piece will be far more effective if I rewrite it in first person. I'm going to edit tonight and see how it works.

Wow, i love this piece well done and i agree try it first person!

[EDIT to First Person]


“How does the defendant plead?” the voice echoes in the room. The audience waits quietly for the answer, biting their lips as if this is their favorite TV program, and the good part is comin' up.

“Guilty.” I ignore the protests of the man standing next to me, with his greased back hair and styled, pin-striped suit.

“Your honor, I'd like a moment to speak to my client.” The greased man says. He's shaking, I can see, trembling beneath the gaze of his superior.

I spare a glance for my own attire, a faded blue suit borrowed from my mother, too big around the waist of the skirt and too tight around my bust. The greased man pities me.

“No,” I say, “no, I know what I am doing. I plead guilty.” I look up, there are tears in my eyes, but my voice does not crack, and I do not shake.

The audience is on their toes, licking their lips greedily, waiting for the climax of their favorite show.

The woman stares down at me, her eyes bore into me, but I do not budge. With a quiet resignation, I accept my crimes.

“If I may speak, your honor?” I ask. My request is spoken timidly, I am sure the woman will tell me no.

The woman nods. It's a curt and harsh sort of thing, I will not be gaining any sympathy, it seems. I will bare my sins before this audience, ashamed that they take such pleasure in my downfall.

I step out around the table that is covered in papers full of the lies I was supposed to tell today. I glare at them for a moment, my decision cemented more firmly in my own mind.

“I've made mistakes, your honor, I am not asking for your sympathy or pity or even your understanding, I am simply asking to be heard.” Now I am being studied, the greased man is shaking his head, looking both alarmed and horrified, and the audience is drooling. I hear them shrieking in my head.

The beast has learned a new trick! Watch! Watch as she stands on her hind legs. Watch her. Watch her!

I will not dance for them.

I pause, gaining my strength, shifting from foot too foot to give myself something to focus on. The tears still drip their way down my cheeks, but they come quietly, and I am calm.

“The pills that were found in my purse were mine.” The greased man shudders and slumps back into his seat. “And yes, I was aware that they were not vitamins, though I am sure you read differently in some report somewhere.” I manage to resist the urge to glare back at the sheets of paper on the desk, with their black ink, insisting that I tell lies.

“They were mine, and I bought them, and I was intending to take them.” I look down at my feet, these are not things that I am proud to admit.

The audience is shaking now, my words have excited them. I am for sure going to be punished now. And if they get their wish, they'll see more tears before I leave.

The woman alone remains calm, staring intently at my face. “Why are you telling me this?”

I pause, my eyes scanning the audience, I see him there, in the back. He is scared, shaking in his seat, his eyes puffy and his cheeks pink.

“Because my daddy taught me not to tell lies.”

I see him smile faintly, more tears squeezing their way out. He is sitting with my captive audience, probably aware that he alone wants this day to end well for me. I am ashamed that he has to be here at all.

The woman nods, this one longer and slower than the last. She is listening.

“May I continue?” I am polite, the woman likes this about me, I think.

Another nod, and my sins continue, damning though they may be.

“I don't remember the last time I was sober...” I pause, for a moment lost, the tears fall freely once more. I manage to glance back again, his tears fall too... I wishes he wouldn't have to hear this. “I won't lie to you, ma'am, I won't say I didn't know what I was doing, and I won't tell you that I was pushed into this life. I went there on my own, and I got lost, and I've been waiting a long time for a sign that I could get out.”

I tilt my head to the side, studying the woman as she studies me. I still do not know if I can get out.

I hear a quiet giggle from behind, and I resist the urge to turn around and shout. The greased man is no longer shaking, he sits quietly, unmoving. I think his brain has died.

I shake my head, doing my best to regain my calm. “I stand now in the mercy of your judgment. I have been lost a long time, through my own doing, through my own fault. I want to get back onto some path again-- anything, so long as I know where I am at. I don't want to be lost anymore.”

The greased man is watching me again, but he is numb, now he too is watching his favorite program on TV. For the first moment, the audience is silent, all waiting for sweet judgment to be passed.

The woman is studying me, and I can tell that she is repeating everything I have said in her mind.

Finally, the woman smiles, it is warm and maternal. I smile too. “Child, you are very lost. But I think I see a path before you.”

I stagger, letting out a breath I had not known I held.

“It will not be easy, this path I place you on. It will take hard work, and dedication. I expect to see this from you.” The woman says, she is still studying, her head tilted to the side and her eyes slightly squinted.

The audience is outraged, if the woman would let them, they would slam their fists and bark in anger. The greased man is startled by this decision, he sits disgruntled in his seat, his pretty stack of papers with their black ink glaring back at him.

“Thank you! Thank you, your honor! But... why?”

She smiled, lost in thought for only a moment.

“Because my daddy taught me to give second chances.”

Hi Tiff! Noticed the edit was up and thought I'd come in for a quick review.

Not many nit-picks. Just a few things:

too big around the waist of the skirt and too tight around my bust.

This could be modest-mouse me, but I use "chest" in place of "bust." "Chest" seems like a softer sound; "bust" jumps out of the sentence, I find.

I am for sure going to be punished now.

This line is rather informal with the word-order, and in the formal tone of the work I got tripped up. I'd suggest "I am going to be punished now for certain" or something similar, so that this doesn't look like slang. This line tripped me up so much I skipped it.

“May I continue?” I am polite, the woman likes this about me, I think.

Another nod, and my sins continue, damning though they may be.

"Continue" is repetitive here. Slightly jarring.

I wishes he wouldn't have to hear this.

"I wish" is the proper tense.

For the first moment, the audience is silent, all waiting for sweet judgment to be passed. [...] The audience is outraged, if the woman would let them, they would slam their fists and bark in anger.

I quoted these two lines together because they seem to contradict each other. When I first saw "sweet" I wondered if it was the light or dark side of sweet. The dark side being the hard punishment for crime. But because I was unsure, the second line I've quoted comes as a bit of a surprise. I'd change "sweet" to "just deserved" or something similar to have these two lines make more sense.

*

I enjoyed this, but I think you've lost a little something in changing this to first person. I greatly enjoyed the additions— extra description around the "watch!" line (where the MC thinks, after, that she won't dance for them) and the little extra bits about the father. But, the audience metaphor got lost. Because you're limited to only what the MC can see, there can't be description of what's going on behind her without some reason for it. That reason is missing in the edited version. If there was a bit more thought-process behind the audience being captive (hinted at with the "my captive audience" mention; we see that they're just there for entertainment) but I think there needs to be an actual mention of what the audience is there for, in order for the metaphor to make sense. Have the MC think more about those behind her, assuming that they're hanging on every word instead of making it seem she knows without actually turning behind to look at them, and the audience's reactions will be all the more damning. Also, if her clues are sounds (You hint at this in some lines, like the giggling and quiets that come over the room) then really emphasize those. If that's how she knows what they're doing, put them in and immerse us in the setting. I was surprised when you said a hush came over the crowd; I thought they had been quiet all the time to begin with.

That mention of sounds got me thinking. With the first-person, you don't have as much room for a "dream" feel in the work, like was present in the original. Give us a handful more details that stand out. Are people slurping coffee, the smell adding to the tense atmosphere and the sounds making her know that they're just here to watch? Is there the sound of their shoes hitting the floor, audible in the quiet? Are there whispers? Anchor this more in the five-senses, and you'll add a new richness.

You've also pulled out the use of "black ink" more in the last two thirds here. I really like that, since it's the title and general theme. But I'm rather wondering why there's no black, be it ink or otherwise, earlier. Right now the title's connection to the work feels somewhat thin. the black ink hasn't been given that much of a stage, and it's not really what catches you. If this were called "Daddy's lessons" or something about morals, then it would be a mystery until the end. But with "blank ink," the title only makes sense for the middle portion as we find out the lies were in black ink. Nothing more is done with it. Seeing the black ink take more center-stage, but still only being second-fiddle to their father's lessons, made me wonder why the title is, indeed, "black ink."

Hope this helps!

~Rosey

Hey Tiff!

First of all, I want to disagree with Rosey. (Yes, I actually read the comments this time... miracle!) I loved the title "Black Ink." Got it the first time around, thought it was clever and thought it said a lot about the heroine of the story, that the emphasis was on the lies and that the story was about a transformation, really. So I would totally keep that.

Now! First person!

I learned this the hard way in FREAK, except I had to convert it from first person to third... and it wasn't fun. -_- Anyway, first person and third person are not interchangeable... you can't just change the pronouns, tweak the description, and it's perfect--though it would be awesome if you could!

The problem is, the third person version was written in a very detached way, which made it charming for what it was. However, change the pronouns, tweak the descriptions, and it doesn't work. Why? Because it doesn't sound personal enough.

And that sounds kind of weird because this is obviously a huge, personal event, but that's the feeling I'm getting from it. Compared to your blogs, which you have a habit of just pouring yourself out, this seems largely detached and impersonal. You tell us you are ashamed of admitting this in front of a court full court of dozens of people who only wish to see you condemned, but there is no real anxiety described, no real shame. Just a lot of tears. And I'm not trying to make fun of you or anything... this kind of stuff is hard to write and it can be utterly embarrassing to 'fess up or anything. The fact that you wrote down the story in the first place is pretty amazing in itself. Just... you haven't poured yourself in it enough to make it sparkle. You need to do this if you want this version to not fall flat.

And if that suggestion freaks you out to reveal yourself further than this, by all means, change it back into third. But it seems rather odd right now.

Hallo, Tiff!


Been a while since I reviewed you! Good to see you writing again.

Nonfiction is difficult to review, because I'm a pretty solid critic, and I'm not always sure where to draw the line between what I can criticize and what I shouldn't. However, I'll say that I think that the third person stance is better.

A little while ago, someone raised a point to me -- it may have been Karsten, or maybe Jiggity, but I really don't remember. Someone in chat, for sure. Anyway, they said that the problem with suspense, centered, and moral writing is that it shouldn't be done in first. If you want to convey the emotions of outer characters, you can't, because you're one person, the narrator, and you cannot be sure of what they're feeling.

So, after whoever-was-in-chat (:P spiffy nickname, no?) mentioned that to me, I stumbled upon an article that I really, really wish I had saved. I was looking through some of Hannah Hoch's artwork in the '30s and reading a little bit about the Dadaism movement, which is super interesting (and off topic!), and the writing in the dada period, as a form of self expressionism was very rigid because art was dead and self expressionism was lost. Nonetheless, a lot of writers in the Dada period wrote pallidly, without mention of emotion, and some of those pieces are the best pieces about war and struggle, because they eliminate terms such as fury, sadness, happiness -- it's just all there, all bare, just raw slap-in-the-face sort of deal.

[/ramble] I know you're not writing Dada-style here, but I really, really, really think a non-emotional approach to this would have a greater impact on your audience, dear. Not to say to change what happened, because I understand that this is nonfiction, and it's made an impact on your life. I would've saved this for the end, but I'll say that it takes from you to share it with the world.

So, basically! My point in all of this rambling -- especially because you mentioned publishing. Publishing is near merciless, and you have to give forth the best, so, hopefully this critique may be of some benefit to that! My point is that you shouldn't relate to us the emotions of the spectators as you do, and as I go through this, I'll throw some advice out there for you. If it's any... um. Consolation? I edited for printing and publishing last year, so I have a general idea of what goes and what doesn't. Let's begin!

“How does the defendant plead?” the voice echoes in the room. The audience waits quietly for the answer, biting their lips as if this is their favorite TV program, and the good part is comin' up.

'The audience' is a collective term, and loosely, you're including us in that! I'm not sure if you've ever witnessed a court case in which you weren't at the front, or watched one, even on TV. How did you feel when you watched it?

For me, I fidgeted. The lady next to me looked on with tired eyes. Someone before me wrung their hands in nervousness, perhaps, or anxiety. Anticipation. I don't know the emotion that governed him, but he was wringing his hands. Another person repeatedly straightened their suit and tie.

Because this IS real, parallel it to realism, Tiff. What you want the audience to feel is a first-hand experience of this. To say that the audience is biting their lips, is to say that they're all doing it. Be less specific, or broaden your horizon to span over the actions of them, dear. Have them shift a little, strain to listen so that they don't miss a word, but don't make it so that you're generalizing your audience as one body.

“Guilty.” I ignore the protests of the man standing next to me, with his greased back hair and styled, pin-striped suit.

Here, it's fine, but I want to make note of your dialogue-tagging. A comma would be better instead of a period before you close the last tag.

Also, in description of the attorney (?), I think "in" would be appreciated more than "with" would, because my eyes... um. Well, I got the mental image of him holding his suit and hair verse wearing it? Also, styled! Why are you using that to describe the suit? Use a better adjective, something that characterizes him, because we don't know enough about him.

“Your honor, I'd like a moment to speak to my client.” The greased man says. He's shaking, I can see, trembling beneath the gaze of his superior.

Comma, quote mark, lower-case T.


Is he judge's gaze what makes him shaky? Or is it the fact that his client is going against what should have been done? Again, you're the narrator, Tiff, be careful about what emotions you narrate to us; unless you can get inside of their heads, it's not always the proper custom to say what someone else other than yourself is feeling. Especially in nonfiction.

I spare a glance for my own attire, a faded blue suit borrowed from my mother, too big around the waist of the skirt and too tight around my bust. The greased man pities me.

I'd get rid of the last line -- even if he does, it's not important to mention that, dear, because, as the article (that I desperately need to find) mentioned, when writing in first person, telling us what others feel about the narrator is either a pull for praise for the narrator, or pity for the narrator, and you don't want to do that. If you kept this in third person, it would make more sense, because you have a wider range of brainz to control.

“No,” I say, “no, I know what I am doing. I plead guilty.” I look up, there are tears in my eyes, but my voice does not crack, and I do not shake.

Does the lawyer say anything to her before this?

The audience is on their toes, licking their lips greedily, waiting for the climax of their favorite show.

I'd kill this part. It seems more animalistic than humanistic, and while this could work, it's not quite working here. I don't think it's necessary to put the audience's emotions here, but if you choose to, it's all good. I'd recommend doing away with the "licking their lips", and replacing that with a more conserved display of anticipation. ...is anticipation the right word to use there? Who knows.

The woman stares down at me, her eyes bore into me, but I do not budge. With a quiet resignation, I accept my crimes.

The latter line of this is implied already, and again, I want to stress the importance of not wording like this. It works sometimes, but in first person, it's like that pull-for-sympathy sort of thing, and it has a term, but I'm kind of brainless at the hour, so I forgot. (Forgive me )

“If I may speak, your honor?” I ask. My request is spoken timidly, I am sure the woman will tell me no.

I'd recommend changing this to "I ask in a timid voice, almost sure that she will tell me no." "My request is spoken timidly" reminds me of more archaic language, and you're not using that here, so, you're better without it.

The woman nods. It's a curt and harsh sort of thing, I will not be gaining any sympathy, it seems. I will bare my sins before this audience, ashamed that they take such pleasure in my downfall.

Combine sentences! The woman's harsh nod is curt, but it grants me the chance to bare my sins before the audience. Be concise! Editors and readers for publishing prefer crisp, clear language that's not laborious. Try not to dwell so long on a moment, and instead -- if you need more words-- describe something else, okay?

I step out around the table that is covered in papers full of the lies I was supposed to tell today. I glare at them for a moment, my decision cemented more firmly in my own mind.

Here, you're kind of lingering on a slow pace. Combining this into once sentence would be beneficial -- I don't mean to make so many changes that will change your piece, as it's a personal reflection of something you went through, but being concise will grant you more than you know, especially if you're looking to publish in something that pays off by quality. Perhaps, "I step from behind the table covered in the lies I was supposed to tell, and the sight of them cements my decision firmly in my mind."

Careful not to use "clip phrases". I forgot what they're called in Language Arts/English, but in editing, we used to refer to clip phrases as little words that take up space such as where you have "in my own" -- own can go. You still maintain the same meaning.

“I've made mistakes, your honor, I am not asking for your sympathy or pity or even your understanding, I am simply asking to be heard.” Now I am being studied, the greased man is shaking his head, looking both alarmed and horrified, and the audience is drooling. I hear them shrieking in my head.

alarmed and horrified are both synonymous, in a way! I'd use another word, maybe he's pale and horrified? Maybe... alarmed to the point where he cannot protest? Again, watch the way you describe outer members of the party that are not you; the audience sounds like a hungry beast here! And, I've seen courtroom audiences filled with disgust, remorse, a hunger for justice, and here I can't understand it, honestly. If the members of the audience/jury are those who you've personally hurt, then it makes sense, but we have no indication of such, and I'm getting the inkling that it's an audience base that's unfamiliar to you, but seems so menacing because they didn't know you?

The beast has learned a new trick! Watch! Watch as she stands on her hind legs. Watch her. Watch her!

I will not dance for them.

I would eliminate this! If it was a reference or an analogy to something you previously stated, then it would work, but here it comes a bit out of the blue, and I'm not so sure that it's having a positive effect on me as a member of your audience.

I pause, gaining my strength, shifting from foot too foot to give myself something to focus on. The tears still drip their way down my cheeks, but they come quietly, and I am calm.

to, not too, dear.

Give your pacing a boost! Why not say I pause to gain my strength, and shift from one foot to the other. The "to give myself something to focus on" (would be considered a clip phrase as it's clipped on, and doesn't suit well) can stand to go, I believe! I'm not too keen on the wording of the later part, either.

“The pills that were found in my purse were mine.” The greased man shudders and slumps back into his seat. “And yes, I was aware that they were not vitamins, though I am sure you read differently in some report somewhere.” I manage to resist the urge to glare back at the sheets of paper on the desk, with their black ink, insisting that I tell lies.

Here, I think you need to introduce us to another characteristic of your lawyer! Is he obnoxious, maybe does he have a cold, or have a shiny watch, or some other little detail that you can refer to him as. Perhaps the man with the shiny watch or the man with the expensive shoes -- I don't know. Grease just gets tediously repetitive, and will hold you back in publishing.

The bit about the pages is too close to the last, and we need some spacing. Did the judge have pages on her desk? Perhaps mention those, or something else, because you need to propel your audience forward rather than linger on details for so long.

“They were mine, and I bought them, and I was intending to take them.” I look down at my feet, these are not things that I am proud to admit.

Implied, dear. Following up narrative with explanation doesn't help much, and it'll have a more positive effect on your audience if you eliminate such factors. We'll look to the narrator more, in a better sense if you eliminate those sort of details.

The audience is shaking now, my words have excited them. I am for sure going to be punished now. And if they get their wish, they'll see more tears before I leave.

I'd eliminate this. For the same reasons I mentioned before.

The woman alone remains calm, staring intently at my face. “Why are you telling me this?”

Alone -- a clip phrase-word. I'd throw it away.

I pause, my eyes scanning the audience, I see him there, in the back. He is scared, shaking in his seat, his eyes puffy and his cheeks pink.

Try not to narrate emotions in the words that they are, dear. Instead of telling us he's scared, what does he do when he's scared? Does he bite the insides of his cheeks, wring his fingers, cast his eyes down, or fiddle with something continuously? Details like this are important. You can give better personification and characterizing to your characters ad bring them to life if you do this, because here, I feel that -- although this is true -- the way it's writ is kind of lax on the emotional fronts.

“Because my daddy taught me not to tell lies.”

I see him smile faintly, more tears squeezing their way out. He is sitting with my captive audience, probably aware that he alone wants this day to end well for me. I am ashamed that he has to be here at all.

Clarify whose tears they are.

My captive audience initially implied that you are holding the audience captive. If you want to imply that it's vice versa, maybe another word like oppressive or something like that would work better. Again, "alone" is an unnecessary word.

The woman nods, this one longer and slower than the last. She is listening.

“May I continue?” I am polite, the woman likes this about me, I think.
Another nod, and my sins continue, damning though they may be.

Instead of saying I am polite and letting us know that she [the judge] likes this, tell us that you're trying to be polite, and eliminate the liking part. Again, it's a pull for a structured emotion from the audience, dear, and what we want is to feel our own emotions for you.

“I don't remember the last time I was sober...” I pause, for a moment lost, the tears fall freely once more. I manage to glance back again, his tears fall too... I wishes he wouldn't have to hear this. “I won't lie to you, ma'am, I won't say I didn't know what I was doing, and I won't tell you that I was pushed into this life. I went there on my own, and I got lost, and I've been waiting a long time for a sign that I could get out.”

His tears > Greased man or father? Clarify, and I'll recommend cutting the ellipsis, as editors prefer to use it sparingly, mostly in dialogue and to show an where elimination took place.


Wishes should be wished, considering it's past tense. Or if you're talking present, it should be wish. Wouldn't should be didn't.

I tilt my head to the side, studying the woman as she studies me. I still do not know if I can get out.

Okay! So, you kind of repeat. A lot! I think you need more synonyms, really, because variation is a wonderful thing, and if you master it in writing, especially in a short piece, it will pay off. I promise. In the previous, you repeat tears a lot, and it's already implied that this is really emotional and it's hard to stop crying, but don't repeat it so much, and if you do, say it synonymously.

Here, too much studying. I think you mentioned it three times before? And that's much too much for a short piece.

I hear a quiet giggle from behind, and I resist the urge to turn around and shout. The greased man is no longer shaking, he sits quietly, unmoving. I think his brain has died.

(People are allowed to giggle in courtrooms? Tsk, breaking of conduct, people.)

Eliminate "I think his brain has died." Maybe his resolve crumbled or his chance to do anything was lost and his hope died for it -- but to assume that someone's brain is dead, would mean that they're literally dead and won't wake up. Remember that unless your piece carries heavily on metaphoric analogies such as this, the readers that you send this to will take the literal meaning and judge on that.

I shake my head, doing my best to regain my calm. “I stand now in the mercy of your judgment. I have been lost a long time, through my own doing, through my own fault. I want to get back onto some path again-- anything, so long as I know where I am at. I don't want to be lost anymore.”

The greased man is watching me again, but he is numb, now he too is watching his favorite program on TV. For the first moment, the audience is silent, all waiting for sweet judgment to be passed.

Here, you need to compare this to something other that the TV program because it all becomes repetitive. This piece will benefit an extremely great deal from "fresh" wording. You're isolating yourself in this piece; you're removed from the audience, and this is exciting for your reading audience! Make the most of this, and bring it to life.

The woman is studying me, and I can tell that she is repeating everything I have said in her mind.

Studying, again. Repetition. Tsk.

Again, try not to say what other characters are thinking? Perhaps she's not repeating what you said, but thinking about something similar that happened to her? Give us what you see; don't think for her.

Finally, the woman smiles, it is warm and maternal. I smile too. “Child, you are very lost. But I think I see a path before you.”

I stagger, letting out a breath I had not known I held.

Stagger or sway? To stagger is more dramatic, almost tripping. Swaying would be that momentary wave of shock that I think you may be going for here?

“It will not be easy, this path I place you on. It will take hard work, and dedication. I expect to see this from you.” The woman says, she is still studying, her head tilted to the side and her eyes slightly squinted.

I'm confused! What is she presenting? This is the climax, Tiff, the turn in the story point. Is she presenting community service? Another chance? Deporting her to the planet where mutant apes... run... wild?

er, that was weird. But, in seriousness, I don't understand, and I'm a little disappointed at this part, because this is where you should fill us in with the details.

The audience is outraged, if the woman would let them, they would slam their fists and bark in anger. The greased man is startled by this decision, he sits disgruntled in his seat, his pretty stack of papers with their black ink glaring back at him.

I would eliminate this. If the audience is human, surely a few members may have sympathy. Remember, you're including your father in this, so don't generalize! Take this easy. In dramatic moments like this, sometimes a murmur goes over the audience. Did anyone open their mouths to their neighbor to whisper anything?

“Thank you! Thank you, your honor! But... why?”

She smiled, lost in thought for only a moment.

“Because my daddy taught me to give second chances.”

Here, your excitement is why we need to know what the judge decided, because otherwise, it stands on shaky legs.

"for only" needs to go; another clip phrase -- I think they're called deadwood in English/LA? Yeah. Kind of.

*



So, to summarize and blip:

> Don't use so many adverbs! Words that end in LY are frowned on by readers and editors, if they're not used sparingly. You should be careful of where you place them; if you want to say "She looked around beautifully" (stupid sentence = win. xD) then try saying "She took a beautiful look around" (stupid sentence is also win.)

> Pacing! You have a fair pacing, I guess. It's slow, really slow, and could be improved if you eliminated explanations.

> Explanations: Try not to explain for your audience. Let us be the audience; give us the image of what they're doing -- if the man in the corner is wolfing down nachos like a madman, we'll pretend that he's wishing he ate breakfast that morning and wants to make sure his stomach won't go growly. You can't really explain what's going on in someone else's head unless you create them, now, can you?

> Description! Freshen it up, Tiff! Don't repeat so much as you did with the greased man. Bring your story to life -- you have a really short story, one scene, one persons struggle, and you can do so much more with this without changing what your foundation is. When you looked at your father, did you feel some sort of change in heart, perhaps remember something you did together before? Add little details like that. What did the room smell like? Was it bright? What did you FEEL like?


Proofread this. I hope I helped out some! I encourage you to revise this, and because you're publishing, I would love to take another look at it before you send it off if you like. Just remember, no buts allowed in publishing. It's a no-nonsense drill with one chance

Best of luck!

June

Wow, I am surprised to see how many people had only good things to say. I'm sorry but I must break the trend...

Cliches, cliches, cliches...

I have a writing mentor and close friend whose father owns a New Zealand book publisher. The one piece of advice he gave me about getting published and writing in general is to avoid cliches like the plague. A cliche can turn a good, solid piece of writing into annoying tacky rubbish very quickly and 'Black Ink' is blighted with cliches. At times I almost laughed out loud at how cliche some lines/characters were.

This story was posted as non fiction yet so many lines, so many characters were so cliche and so dramatic that for a moment, it felt as though I was on the set of a poorly scripted criminal drama.

The tender motherly authority figue. Cliche # 1

I realise some fact must be entwined with a little fiction to make the story readible ( I believe they call this 'creative licence') but I fail to believe this event was so neatly tied down, A judge who probably worked her entire life to reach the level she is at in her profesion isn't going to make a snap decision regarding a drug conviction. This didn't happen. For crying out loud, make her take a recession period to make a decision, make her address her notes and quietly mull over the case, make her brow converge over her nose and her nostrills flare and her eyes shine wide and furious, make her reminisce, what ever you do don't make her say a corny Hollywood-esque line like " My daddy taught me to give second chances." This line made me cringe, literally.

All Lawyers are greasy. Cliche #2

If I had a nickel... I have never met a lawyer who had greasy hair. This cliche is outdated, I guess it came about in the 80's when bryll cream and pinstripe suits were a law office combo. Lawyers are bald, lawyers have long hair, lawyers are woman and men, lawyers have deep creases when they frown, lawyers have the soft skin of a new born. Its such a tired cliche to create (or encounter) a greasy slimeball lawyer. The greasy lawyer is as flat as the fat bald used car salesmen, or the deep voiced, balding, tall, terrifying principal.

Make him less flat; make him actually resemble a real lawyer.

Jurys/public gallery (or strangers in general) are short sighted pessimists who want nothing more than to see others burn. cliche #3

If you were part of the jury how would you feel? add real characters, having a baby who crys before its mother pulls her outside. Have an oldman, with one hand wrapped over a cane gasp, at the decision. Have a couple of tourists quietly yapping throughout the process. Right now the people are a cardboard cut out, make them a little more round.

The neatly wrapped closing line, that ties a pretty pink ribbon around it all. Cliche #4

Scrap it. Thats all I can say. Dig a hole six foot deep, drop the last line(s) in it and fill it with concrete. These little hollywood cringe inducing moments happen only on the disney channel. Make the girl much more timid as she speak, for afterall she has never done anything like this before. As I said make the judge disappear into her chambers for half an hour of grueling waiting before she voices her decision that the MC has recieved a reduced/suspended sentence, or (at best) has received no conviction but must complete 150 hours of community service. The denouement doesn't need to come about clean and crisp and perfect.

I could go on but I think you get it. If you want readers/publishers to take your work seriously in the future you must look at eliminating these glaring mistakes.

I must stress the point because cliches (and out right holywood brand tackeyness) killed this piece for me.

Hope that wasn't too harsh, there is more to be said but other reviewers probably covere it.