Not the thing called Dollar - a tree-hugger poem :D

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So this is a tree-hugger poem and my first poem ever, so... don't be too brutal. Please? :lol:
Here goes - *deep breath*
~~~~~~

Them that can’t look past their noses,

Are doomed to that fate of never seeing those things that make life real,

That makes life beautiful, that so softly peal,

The elements that reveal the secrets deep within,

Those that brought forth so delicately, ‘what if?’, ‘how did?’



And so there are elements, to break the world in two, not four;

These simple things, like dragonfly wings,

A small sapling that’s content, the crow’s guttural caw.

I know there are many; they glue the glue of things,

But then again, with out glue, I guess there’d still be these strings.



The soft earth in is varied forms,

That will control in all its ways,

The terrain of plant, desert and beach,

That brings forth materials to weld and breach,

Wherein the veins of the earth were formed,

The stone formations, gems and jewels,

Both pleasing and bold;



The trees, ah, the trees,

The vision of calm, knowledge and strength,

The fruit they bear for human and animal;

At a length

The homes they supply, in a mall far sophisticated,

Elevators for life-juice, rather than things to be debated;

Their leaves and bristles can both give and take,

Give life, give grub, take blood, take hate,



Next the water, the subtle one,

Whose endless patience cut the puzzle of the earth;

With out water, what would we be?

A land of sudden cracks, and death, and dearth?

The natural flow soothes the hottest of hearts;

Where who knows what lays,

Where who knows what starts?



And then air, the oxygen, that smoothes off sharp stones,

That gushes, that swishes, that makes the heart blow,

We cannot breathe with out air, even if we wanted to bad,

As one cannot stand with out feet, or we fall to what we had,

You can blow through a pipe or beat on a drum,

To make sweet vibrations,

And bestow air a quick hum



Fire! That can eat up air; lick the green off a tree,

Now, would it be so beastly,

If it were like you, or me?

Of course not! For fire is cheek,

So unlike me and you,

It steals the air you breathe,

It turns the water you drink,

Into a cloud of steam!



Next there is light, to which artists tip their hats,

For with out light, no colour,

A nice grey, perhaps?

You cannot beat light at its own game;

To let us see, and what a gift!

And yet what a shame,



Because if you see, do you Feel,

The emotions green and blue?

Emotions can be colourful too,

Things that make me, me, and you, you!

Do not scoff at this powerful thing,

Called ‘Emotion’, like you do;

With out emotion you would be a mere vegetable,

A potato! Yes, yes, true, true!

Down the dynasties,

Humanity has taken the earth in its fist, and shaken it;

Like a rattle.

Mixed it up in a bowl real good, just a bit,

What will become of it, stone, or gravel?

The man walked the moon,

Shall it be walked with a leash, and a collar?

The thing that makes the world go round is not the thing called ‘Dollar’!
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Heya Durrie, 'tis me, Crock!

Them that can’t look past their noses,

Are doomed to that fate of never seeing those things that make life real,

That makes life beautiful, that so softly peal,

The elements that reveal the secrets deep within,

Those that brought forth so delicately, ‘what if?’, ‘how did?’


I like this a lot, but the last line doesn't seem to fit in. I'm not sure how to fix it, but that's just an observation of mine.

And so there are elements, to break the world in two, not four;

These simple things, like dragonfly wings,

A small sapling that’s content, the crow’s guttural caw.

I know there are many; they glue the glue of things,

But then again, with out glue, I guess there’d still be these strings.


"They glue the glue of things"? This doesn't really make sense to me.

The soft earth in is varied forms,

That will control in all its ways,

The terrain of plant, desert and beach,

That brings forth materials to weld and breach,

Wherein the veins of the earth were formed,

The stone formations, gems and jewels,

Both pleasing and bold;


This is my favorite part. But I think you meant; "The soft earth in its varied forms", correct?

The trees, ah, the trees,

The vision of calm, knowledge and strength,

The fruit they bear for human and animal;

At a length

The homes they supply, in a mall far sophisticated,

Elevators for life-juice, rather than things to be debated;

Their leaves and bristles can both give and take,

Give life, give grub, take blood, take hate,


Wonderful description of a tree. :D

Next the water, the subtle one,

Whose endless patience cut the puzzle of the earth;

With out water, what would we be?

A land of sudden cracks, and death, and dearth?

The natural flow soothes the hottest of hearts;

Where who knows what lays,

Where who knows what starts?


"With out water, what would we be?". Without is one word. Also, the last two lines in this stanza don't make sense to me, but maybe I'm misreading.

And then air, the oxygen, that smoothes off sharp stones,

That gushes, that swishes, that makes the heart blow,

We cannot breathe with out air, even if we wanted to bad,

As one cannot stand with out feet, or we fall to what we had,

You can blow through a pipe or beat on a drum,

To make sweet vibrations,

And bestow air a quick hum


"even if we wanted to bad". Bad? This just... doesn't fit.

Fire! That can eat up air; lick the green off a tree,

Now, would it be so beastly,

If it were like you, or me?

Of course not! For fire is cheek,

So unlike me and you,

It steals the air you breathe,

It turns the water you drink,

Into a cloud of steam!


This is probably my favorite part of this poem. :)

Next there is light, to which artists tip their hats,

For with out light, no colour,

A nice grey, perhaps?

You cannot beat light at its own game;

To let us see, and what a gift!

And yet what a shame,


Again, without is one word.

Because if you see, do you Feel,

The emotions green and blue?

Emotions can be colourful too,

Things that make me, me, and you, you!

Do not scoff at this powerful thing,

Called ‘Emotion’, like you do;

With out emotion you would be a mere vegetable,

A potato! Yes, yes, true, true!

Down the dynasties,

Humanity has taken the earth in its fist, and shaken it;

Like a rattle.

Mixed it up in a bowl real good, just a bit,

What will become of it, stone, or gravel?

The man walked the moon,

Shall it be walked with a leash, and a collar?

The thing that makes the world go round is not the thing called ‘Dollar’!


This stanza is longer than the others, so it sticks out. I'd advise splitting it up. Again, without = one word. Other than that... awesome.

All-in-all, I loved this poem. :D I'm starring it.

Happy YWSing!

~Gsp
Just another quack spouting psychobabble.

"If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm mad. That's the way history is written."




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TOO LATE! Going to be brutal (though my crits might be a little rusty... it's been almost a year since I've done one):

Durriedog wrote:Them that can’t look past their noses,

Are doomed to that fate of never seeing those things that make life real,

That makes life beautiful, that so softly peal,

The elements that reveal the secrets deep within,

Those that brought forth so delicately, ‘what if?’, ‘how did?’


Starting off, "they that can't look past...". If you took out "that", it would read "Them can't," which is wrong. Also, the comma at the end of line one isn't necessary. I'm digging your continuity between lines two and three, but it's a little off. Your subject is "those things," so it is "those things that make life real, [those things] that make like beautiful," and "[those things] that so softly peal." Simple subject-verb agreement.



And so there are elements, to break the world in two, not four;

These simple things, like dragonfly wings,

A small sapling that’s content, the crow’s guttural caw.

I know there are many; they glue the glue of things,

But then again, without glue, I guess there’d still be these strings.


"And so" at the beginning isn't necessary, and change "to" to "that". I find it weird that "dragonfly wings" isn't elaborated, but everything else in the list is. Also, "they glue the glue of things"? Fix that. And this stanza could end "still be strings".


The soft earth in is varied forms,

That will control in all its ways,

The terrain of plant, desert and beach,

That brings forth materials to weld and breach,

Wherein the veins of the earth were formed,

The stone formations, gems and jewels,

Both pleasing and bold;


This is pretty good, but my only gripe is that every line ends in a comma, and most of the time, it doesn't make sense grammatically to do that. Sure, you're denoting pauses for your line breaks, but you have to treat your poems almost like a story, putting in correct punctuation and capitalization. Just because it's a poem doesn't mean you can shirk on proper writing skills.



Where who knows what lays,

Where who knows what starts?


"who knows what lies".


I'm going to be perfectly frank: I couldn't read the rest of this poem. It appeared to be really "listy", and was starting to get really preachy. It's cool that you're trying to make a point with your work, but the whole point of poetry is brevity. Make your point, and make it interesting. Otherwise, great work.

--kf




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Thank you! :smt023

Your first review for almost a year? *feels special* :lol:

I will take your reviews to heart. :D

Durrance
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I thought this was an amazing poem, especially for your first one. Wow :D Great job!
I do agree with person above, though. You didn't get to examining the elements into a couple stanzas in; I think maybe that should be the bulk of your poem, with a little intro stanza
Flemzo wrote:Humanity has taken the earth in its fist, and shaken it;

Like a rattle.

Mixed it up in a bowl real good, just a bit,

What will become of it, stone, or gravel?

The man walked the moon,

Shall it be walked with a leash, and a collar?

The thing that makes the world go round is not the thing called ‘Dollar’!

I think this should be your first and last stanza. The first time you write it, the last line should be a question, and then have this stanza at the end, minus the exclamation point. The emphasis is just as clear with a period.
So your poem would read:
Durriedog wrote:
Humanity

has taken the earth in its fist, and shaken it,

Like a rattle.

Mixed it up in a bowl real good, just a bit,

What will become of it, stonecan't really mix stones, or gravel?

Man walked the moon,

Shall it be walked with a leash, and a collar?

Is thing that makes the world go round called Dollar?

And so there are elements, to break the world in two, not four;

These simple things, like dragonfly wings,

A small sapling that’s content, the crow’s guttural caw.

I know there are many; they glue the glue of things,

But then again, with out glue, I guess there’d still be these strings.


The trees, ah, the trees,

The vision of calm, knowledge and strength,

The fruit they bear for human and animal;

At a length

The homes they supply, in a mall far sophisticated,

Elevators for life-juice, rather than things to be debated;

Their leaves and bristles can both give and take,

Give life, give grub, take blood, take hate,



Next the water, the subtle one,

Whose endless patience cut the puzzle of the earth;

With out water, what would we be?

A land of sudden cracks, and death, and dearth?

The natural flow soothes the hottest of hearts;

Where who knows what lays,

Where who knows what starts?



And then air, the oxygen, that smoothes off sharp stones,

That gushes, that swishes, that makes the heart blow,

We cannot breathe with out air, even if we wanted to bad,

As one cannot stand with out feet, or we fall to what we had,

You can blow through a pipe or beat on a drum,

To make sweet vibrations,

And bestow air a quick hum



Fire! That can eat up air, lick the green off a tree,

Now, would it be so beastly,

If it were like you, or me?

Of course not! For fire is cheek,

So unlike me and you,

It steals the air you breathe,

It turns the water you drink,

Into a cloud of steam!



Next there is light, to which artists tip their hats,

For with out light, no colour,

A nice grey, perhaps?

You cannot beat light at its own game;

To let us see, and what a gift!

And yet what a shame that

Down the dynasties,

Humanity has taken the earth in its fist, and shaken it;

Like a rattle.

Mixed it up in a bowl real good, just a bit,

What will become of it, stone, or gravel?

The man walked the moon,

Shall it be walked with a leash, and a collar?

The thing that makes the world go round is not the thing called the dollar.

So that's what I have to say.
Keep writing, friend.
Empress
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
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