Hidden Angel - Beginning

Among the hundreds of party guests, waiters and decorations, many things in the enormous party hall at the Delyle home could be easily overlooked. One thing, however, that was not missed by one was the beautiful teenager sitting sideways on a chair, chewing her long, auburn hair. For most, this party was the classiest gathering they had ever been to, much more dignified that the others, for this was Marcus Delyle’s way of announcing his engagement to Katherine McKenn. Many attempted to talk to the girl, knowing that accomplishing so would raise their status with her mother and soon-to-be-stepfather, however none succeeded, and the girl merely continued on with her thoughts of the new life ahead of her, and wishing she could get out of the tight black, satin dress and painful high heels her mother picked out for her. In between talking with guests and checking on the hors d’oeuvres, Katherine cast many worried glances at her daughter, wondering if she was forcing too much change on her daughter too quickly. She began walking towards her, knowing that she had to talk with her, when she was stopped by Gretta, her children’s nanny who was never let go. “Katherine, let me. You’re dealing with enough stress as it is what with all the preparations for this party and I really don’t think a confused teenager should be the main thing on your mind. Go do something else, and I will speak with her.” Katherine sighed, clearly grateful for Gretta’s offer, and bustled off to greet more people who had walked in the door. “Elizabeth,” said Gretta, softly placing her hand on the girl’s shoulder. Elizabeth jumped and craned her neck to see who was behind her. “Oh, hi Gretta, I thought you were another guest trying to bring up conversation with me. You’d think there was some sort of prize for the person who could get me to talk,” she said with a laugh, though it did not carry into her eyes. “Elizabeth,” said Gretta again. “It is clear that you are not enjoying yourself; why not head up to your room? I’m sure your mother and Marcus won’t mind.” Elizabeth shuddered. She hated to think that the large, princess-like room upstairs was now hers. She preferred her old, small bedroom at their apartment, or more so the bedroom at the home where she had grown up, where she had lived with her complete family until only four months ago, though it seemed like years. Elizabeth stood up and brushed off her dress. Gretta gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before heading off towards the kitchen. She tousled her hair, and stood up. A young boy in a tuxedo ran up to Elizabeth, and gave her a hug. “Hey, Noah,” she said to her brother while pulling him in with a one-armed hug. “I was just about to go upstairs. Do you want to join me?” Noah smiled and nodded, and pulled his sister by the hand to the bottom of the grand staircase. They walked up together, all the while Noah telling Elizabeth about all the strange people he had met at the party. “And then, one man walked up to me and said, ‘Why, you sure are a dashing young fellow, aren’t you?’” Noah imitated an English accent and burst out laughing when he was finished. “I’m going to go to my room. Do you want to come?” she asked him after he stopped laughing. “No, I’m going to explore the house!” he said excitedly. He ran up the rest of the stairs, and then dashed down the long hallway until Elizabeth couldn’t see him or hear his footsteps anymore. She reached the top of the stairs, and walked down the hall until she found the bedroom that she would soon have to start calling hers. She stepped inside, and looked around the room that still dazzled her, and intimidated her. The room was very large, with three steps leading up to another large, second floor, where Elizabeth found her king sized bed, with golden curtains surrounding it.

Durrie like!!!

jazz wrote:Among the hundreds of party guests, waiters and decorations, < (no comma) many things in the enormous party hall at the Delyle home could be easily overlooked. One thing, however, that was not missed by one < (I don't get what you're trying to say here.) was the beautiful teenager sitting sideways on a chair, chewing her long, auburn hair. < (Yuck . But I like it, nice touch and characterisation) For most, this party was the classiest gathering they had ever been to, < (who had ever been to?) much more dignified that < (I presume you mean 'than') the others, < (this is unneeded. We already know it's classy. ) for this was Marcus Delyle’s way of announcing his engagement to Katherine McKenn. Many attempted to talk to the girl, < (whoa. Maybe put all marked in green before all the rest, with an intro to the party, of course.) knowing that accomplishing so would raise their status with her mother and soon-to-be-stepfather, < (maybe change to ';') however none succeeded, and the girl merely continued on with her thoughts of the new life ahead of her, and wishing she could get out of the tight black, satin dress and painful high heels her mother picked out for her. (paragraph) In between talking with guests and checking on the hors d’oeuvres, Katherine cast many worried glances at her daughter, wondering if she was forcing too much change on her daughter too quickly. She began walking towards her, knowing that she had to talk with her, when she was stopped by Gretta, her children’s nanny who was never let go. < (what? just cut the 'never let go' stuff out, it's unneeded.) “Katherine, let me. You’re dealing with enough stress as it is what with all the preparations for this party and I really don’t think a confused teenager should be the main thing on your mind. < ('main thing on your mind' doen't sound right.) Go do something else, and I will speak with her.” (paragraph)Katherine sighed, clearly grateful for Gretta’s offer, and bustled off to greet more people who had walked in the door. (paragraph) “Elizabeth,” said Gretta, softly placing her hand on the girl’s shoulder. Elizabeth jumped and craned her neck to see who was behind her. “Oh, hi Gretta, I thought you were another guest trying to bring up conversation with me. < (bring up conversation?) You’d think there was some sort of prize for the person who could get me to talk,” she said with a laugh, though it did not carry into her eyes. “Elizabeth,” said Gretta again. “It is clear that you are not enjoying yourself; why not head up to your room? I’m sure your mother and Marcus won’t mind.” Elizabeth shuddered. She hated to think that the large, princess-like room upstairs was now hers.

That's all I have time to crit, sorry.

You seem to be having trouble putting paragraphs in, it was all in one big clump! This is hard to chew! If you want to reader to swallow the words and not spit them out, it has to be easier to read!

Overall, it was a good read and I enjoyed it. Keep at it.

Durrance

Hi, my name is Orange. Welcome to YWS!

Durrie is right, you have to split this into paragraphs, otherwise it's very hard to read. We need to feel the pace of your sentences and see where a new train of thought begins, and this cannot be done without your writing being in paragraphs.

Other than that, I liked your piece and I'm curious about where this is going. Keep writing!