excerpt- need critique- very rough

hi! this is a excerpt from my work in progress, well, no, more like a work in idle, but you get the idea. (names are not decided yet)

Swallowing a gasp, (mc1) squinted out of her slitted visor. A low, keening came from (mc2) at her feet. The big black wolf's hackles were spiked up and his pearly canines bared, but his violet eyes were pained as he recognized the slate grey wolf at their opponent’s heels. In the distance, like a fuzzy memory, she heard a voice "never falter, never hesitate, for it will cost you your life" But she couldn't seem to get her rigid body to move, the shrukin blades wouldn't cut through the air. A nagging filled her head "Don't stand there like an idgit! Fight! He's dead, that's NOT your brother!" but it had to be; for who else shared her reckless grin, that had slid off her face when she saw him, who else had a slate grey wolf, one with his dark blue eyes. One who came from the same litter as (mc2), but her brother? A scream bubbled out of her throat and she felt (mc2) stiffen "you’re DEAD! I saw you DIE!" she tore off her black helmet and met the blue eyes of her last living relative.


yes yes, her whole family is dead, or so she thinks, until this moment. would this make you read on? by the way, this is the end of a chapter. if you like it, i will post more of it! and don't worry 'bout being mean with the critiques, my muse (aka older sister) is very harsh, i am used to it *winks*


Mod note: please don't use caps in title

Yo,
that rather reads as a stream of consiousness
Which I think you should be doing five years from now, after grasping and perfecting the basic rules, after the mastering of which quality improvisation becomes possible.
Which means - capitalisation - first letters at least; breaking up the text into paragraphs; being very careful of how speech and thoughts are woven into the sentences.
So far its a burst of amorpheus action with glimpses of wolve's teeth and disturbed women/girls. Hehe, which in itself is not bad at all.
Why don't you take an hour with a notebook in hand, and plot a story with a beginning and an end, and three - four adventure sequences in between. Describe the main charaters to yourself, how the look, what they believe in and how they react to things, and what their background is. The write down the whole adventure. Let it lie for a day or a week, read it again with a fresh eye and edit it. Voila - a more structured adventure with glimpses of wolve's teeth and disturbed women/girls

Hi! Im Ella This is a pretty detailed review, but im bored and i think this could get really good, so -->

There are some phrases you use that i really like in this, "swallowing a gasp" and "A low keening' amongst them, and the vocabulary you use all ties together nicely to create a very emotional mood.

However, it looks like you have a tendency to use very long sentences. Try varying between short and long sentences to create suspense; this also makes it flow better. It is also a little difficult to picture the scene you're describing in my head. It may be because its an excerpt and i dont know anything else about the characters..etc (i have nothing against excerpts- most of my stuff i write from daydreams and so its all excerpts- i hate filling gaps )but in this case i think some more background information is required.

A couple of sentence structural errors (I put my edits in bold);

Capitaliase "swallowing" at the beginning

the big black wolf's hackles were spiked up and his pearly canines bared but his violet eyes were pained as he reconized the slate grey wolf at their opponents' heels.

This ^^ is also a pretty long sentence. Try breaking it up or adding smaller ones?

in the distance, like a fuzzy memory, she heard a voice, "Never falter, never hesitate, for it will cost you your life." But she couldnt seem to get her rigid body to move, the shrukin blades wouldnt cut through the air.

shrukin

Not sure if this is an unintentional spelling error of the word shrunken or a part of the language your character uses (this seems to be fantasy).

A nagging filled her head, "Dont stand there like a idgit, fight! He's dead, thats NOT your brother!"

Again, is the word "idgit" Idiot, or language?

But it had to be; for who else shared her own reckless grin, that had slid off her facewhen she had seen him? Who else had a slate grey wolf, who came from the same litter as (mc2) but her brother?

The phrase, "Who else had a slate grey wolf" is confusing me. Do you mean who else was a slate grey wolf??

a scream bubbled out of her throat

Looo-ve-ly.

"You're DEAD! I saw you DIE!"

In answer to your question, I think its great and i would read on If its becoming one of those annoying idle works you cant be bothered to write, there are many YWS blogs about dealing with writers block

Good Luck!

Ella XP

thanks! i know i have a tenedancy for long sentence's and caps and puntuation. it can get annoying sometimes, i am like "look at that name, why isnt it capped!" haha, and i threw in the word idgit because it my word of the day, it a cowboy term meaning idiot. shrukin is made up, like the sharukhan stars (wind something) and made it into a weapon for my mc. thanks for the review!

I really liked this, and yes it would make me read on! it was a little confusing, but I'm sure that's because its the end of a chapter. i didn't understand the whole wolf thing, but i think that, again, its because i haven't read the whole chapter.
Good work!!

I agree with the other reviewers on the puncuation, capitalization, and etc. (-really can't think of what else to think xD-) All in all, this has great potential and it's something I would definately read, as I think other avid readers would. Just be sure to stay true to the characters- weave their personalities throughout the piece, even if it's in subtle ways. Every detail should have it's own pattern, y'know what I'm saying? Image, description, dialogue..etc., and so forth, got me?

Wolfdaemon wrote:hi! this is a excerpt from my work in progress, well, no, more like a work in idle, but you get the idea. (names are not decided yet)

Swallowing a gasp, (mc1) squinted out of her slitted visor. A low, keening came no comma.from (mc2) at her feet. The big black wolf's hackles were spiked up and his pearly canines bared, but his violet eyes were pained as he recognized the slate grey wolf at their opponent’s heels. In the distance, like a fuzzy memory, she heard a voice "never falter, never hesitate, for it will cost you your life" I think instead of being in "" it should be italicized, unless its really someone talking, then make a new paragraph.But she couldn't seem to get her rigid body to move, the shrukin blades wouldn't cut through the air. A nagging filled her head "Don't stand there like an idgit! Fight! He's dead, that's NOT your brother!" but comma after head, italicize instead, then uppercase B it had to be; for who else shared her reckless grin, that had slid off her face when she saw him, who else had a slate grey wolf, one with his dark blue eyes Try: But it had to be. Who else shared her reckless grin, the one that had slid off her face at the sight of him? Who else had a slate grey wolf, one with dark blue eyes? One who came from the same litter as (mc2), but her brother? A scream bubbled out of her throat and she felt (mc2) stiffen "You’re DEAD! I saw you DIE!" She tore off her black helmet and met the blue eyes of her last living relative. There should be a new paragraph at "Your dead!....."


yes yes, her whole family is dead, or so she thinks, until this moment. would this make you read on? by the way, this is the end of a chapter. if you like it, i will post more of it! and don't worry 'bout being mean with the critiques, my muse (aka older sister) is very harsh, i am used to it *winks*


Mod note: please don't use caps in title

I definately would keep reading. A few gramatical/capitalization errors, but its good otherwise. I like it