the battle of the books chapter one

Battle of the books


Prologue



If you could go inside a book what would happen? Would you go meet the tin man in The Wizard of Oz? Or how about asking Harry Potter how to ride a broom? Maybe fly around Nederland in Peter Pan. What would happen if on the inside of the book things aren’t as you think it will be? WARNING: never judge a book by its cover.































Chapter 1: just a normal girl.



Cassandra was your average kid: average grades, average height, average weight, your normal 15-year-old girl. But, she was exactly the opposite of a normal 15 year old girl yet she had no idea. Cassandra’s most favorite thing in the world was something most kids her age hate the most, books. Her room was more like her own mini library! Whenever she was in there, she would find herself reading everything from Charles Dickens to Dr. Seuss. Her bright green eyes were always glued to a book, lost in the world of stories that she loved so much.
It was the middle of summer and Cassandra was cuddled up at the beach reading Moby Dick. She looked up from her book pushing back a stray lock of her light brown hair. Staring at the shore line she could almost see the great whale rising from the sea and the shout of Captain Ahab. Cassandra looked down and continued reading when she heard foot steps coming near her. She turned her head to see who it was and, oddly enough, it was an odd little man dressed like a businessman. Cassandra couldn’t help but stare at the weird man running toward her. Suddenly, the wind caught his hair and a wig flew off his head heading for the opposite direction, the man turned around and began chasing after it. Cassandra Burst into a fit of small giggles and pondered over why a businessman was doing on the beach, but soon she found herself once more reading her book.

* * *

About an hour later, Cassandra packed up her book and was about to head home when she heard someone calling her name. Wondering who it could be, she turned around and saw the businessman.
“Thank goodness I found you Cassandra! You MUST come quickly!” said the odd little businessman the only difference being that now his wig was crocked and sandy.
“And you are?” asked Cassandra still a little shocked the man knew her name.
“Oh sorry, I’m Mr. Winkle but never mind names! Your parents are missing!” exclaimed Mr. Winkle.
At first, Cassandra didn’t believe the man at all, but that was when she noticed the badge on his chest that read:
Burt Winkle
CIA
Before Burt Winkle could offer her a ride, Cassandra was already halfway across the beach sprinting as fast as she could toward her home. She decided to take a short cut through the woods that she only used for emergencies and this was DEFINATLY an emergency! Twigs snagged at her jeans but she ignored them, running as fast as her feet could take her. When at last she reached her house only to find it surrounded by police cars and nosey neighbors wanting to know what was happening. Cassandra ran up to the nearest police officer.
“Where are my mom and dad!” shouted Cassandra still in a state of shock, “I’m Cassandra Rosehaven.” She added quickly.
“Whelp,” started the officer, Cassandra couldn’t help but feel a flare of anger at the man for acting so casual when her parents were missing, “It seems your parents are missing.”
Oh. My. God, Thought Cassandra and that was when her anger bubbled over.
“I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT!” screamed Cassandra green eyes flashing, “I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE HECK MY PARENTS ARE!”
“Calm down there, we are still trying to figure that out,” said the officer leaving Cassandra fuming.
“There you are, Cassandra!” Cassandra turned and saw that Mr. Winkle was once again running towards her. “You are going to be staying at the town orphanage until your grandmother comes from New Jersey to pick you up.”
* * *

That night, there was no way Cassandra would ever be able to sleep. So much had just happened to her. Her parents were gone and who knew when they would come back. Also, now she was being sent to some “Grandma Ann” in New Jersey; she didn’t even know she HAD a grandmother. Not to mention that her grandma lived all the way across the country (Cassandra lives in California)!
She NEEDS to stay here! Her parents are missing and if they have any hope of being found she would have to find them. No matter how much she pleaded to Mr. Winkle, he would always come up with some excuse as to why she would need to go to her grandmother’s. Eventually, Cassandra could no longer hold her eyes open and drifted into a deep sleep.
Cassandra woke with a start, not knowing where she was and not remembering what happened. Then her thoughts of the previous night came flooding back to her. She slumped back down onto her pillow in defeat. What am I going to do? She thought to herself. Cassandra heard a light knocking on her door. Sitting up, she quickly responded with a, “come in!”
A little red-headed girl, maybe around the age of seven, quickly muttered that dinner was ready and gave the directions to the cafeteria before leaving. Cassandra found a bag of her things next to her bed which contained: two shirts, 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of shorts, a brush, and underwear. She quickly got dressed in the t-shirt and jeans ensemble before heading down to the cafeteria, but not before having to ask directions twice.
The cafeteria was kind of set up the same as the one at her school, delinquents on one side and normal kids on the other. Cassandra chose to sit next to the girl who came into her room that morning since she never even talked to anyone else.
“Hey look, a new kid!” exclaimed one of the delinquents, “Yeah, you over there!” he said noticing that Cassandra looked up.
“Leave her alone, Billy!” responded the little red-headed girl, “Can’t you see she is scared enough! I’m Ellie, by the way.” She quickly added to me.
“Thanks Ellie, I’m Cassandra.” Cassandra couldn’t help but smile at the little girl. She acted like she was twice her age; she must have been through so much.
“Be careful around here Cassandra. Some of these people are real creeps,” said Ellie before introducing Cassandra to all of the “nicer” kids. “That Billy is the worst; don’t get on his bad side.”
“Thanks, I feel a lot better,” Cassandra said smiling and it wasn’t all a lie. She really did feel kind of better now that she had a friend.
The rest of breakfast passed while all of the kids Ellie classified as “nice” introduced themselves. A bell rang and all kids cleared their plates then headed outside and Cassandra followed suit.
“So, Cassandra, can you tell us some stuff about you?” asked Ellie and her group of friends all nodded in agreement.
“Well it’s not very exciting,” Cassandra said blushing a bit at being the center of attention. All the kids starting taking turns in telling Cassandra stuff about them. Cassandra was happy that they were trying so hard to help her settle in. She couldn’t help but feel a bit better with them there. Soon it was beginning to get dark so the all retired to their rooms with Cassandra among them. Cassandra settled down in her room with Moby Dick, which she had brought with her until, once more, sleep found her.

* * *

Three days later and there was still no sign of Cassandra’s grandmother. The thought that she might not even be coming began to cross her mind. She shook her head to clear her thoughts, it is still too soon to think that, she mentally noted to herself. She met up with Ellie and the rest of the “nice” kids and ate silently listening to their conversation, not really trying to keep up. She was too consumed in her own thoughts to really care. Cassandra began to mentally draw a picture of what she hoped her grandmother to be like. She was starting to feel a little excited about meeting her grandma Ann. She pictured a jolly old woman backing cookies with some silly apron on, grinning as she asked Cassandra to help, with rosy cheeks and white hair. Then Cassandra came to her senses thinking that her image was more like Mrs. Claus than what her grandmother was like. The bell rang and brought Cassandra back to reality. She was about to leave to go outside when someone stopped her.
“Your grandmother is here!”




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AN: clif hanger chapter two will come out soon! thanks for reading! and please come again

Yo,
Call me Ishmael
reads so far like a nice kid's story. Kid loves books, parents missing, CIA guardian angel (a sign of the times no doubt, good thing he is not from homeland security hehe), a mysterious granny, and a stay in an orphanage. All the classic elements so far.
The sentences are frequently worded in an awkward manner, the immediate examples that spring to mind is the girl thinking she was very normal and not knowing. Haha. And also her waking up and not remembering. Its obvious what you are trying to convey, but it should be worded better.
Grammar sucks here and there, but no more then in my writings.
So! A pleasant ho hum tale so far, I'll check out the second chapter tomorrow

thank you so much! i have lots of grammer problems and i have a problem with wording somethings lol thank you i really need as meny tips as posible

Hey =]

Welcome to YWS!

I'm gonna take a shot at reviewing this for you!

Prologue;

If you could go inside a book what would happen?

I think you have the question worded wrong here. It would read better as 'If you could go inside of a book, what would you do?'

Would you go meet the tin man in The Wizard of Oz?

'go meet' sounds too informal. I'd suggest re-wording it to something like -
'Would you go and meet the tin man in The Wizard of Oz?'

Maybe fly around Nederland in Peter Pan.

'Nederland' should be 'Neverland' and 'in' would sound better as 'with'

What would happen if on the inside of the book things aren’t as you think it will be?

This sentence is worded awkwardly. I get what you're trying to say, though. Maybe try something like -
'But what would happen if things on the inside of the book weren't quite as you'd imagined?'

WARNING: never judge a book by its cover.

Overall - I like the prologue. It introduces a good idea for a story.

Chapter one;

But, she was exactly the opposite of a normal 15 year old girl yet she had no idea.

This is worded slightly awkwardly. Again, I understand what you're trying to get across to the reader, but it's a bit confusing as it is.
Try - 'Yet she had no idea that she was exactly the opposite of a normal fifteen year old girl.'

the most, books.

I'm not quite sure, but I think the comma should be a semicolon (;)

She looked up from her book pushing back a

Comma after 'book'

it was an odd little man dressed like a businessman.

Describe why she thought he looked like a businessman. Was he wearing a suit? A bowler hat? Was he carrying a briefcase?

off his head

'off of his head'

heading for the opposite direction

Opposite direction to where?

, the man turned around and began

Start this as a new sentence.

of small giggles

Small giggles?

over why a businessman

'why' should be 'what'

You MUST come quickly!”

'MUST' doesn't need to be in capitals.

Cassandra still a little shocked

Comma after 'Cassandra' and you don't need 'still'

exclaimed Mr. Winkle.

'he exclaimed.'

across the beach sprinting as fast

Comma after 'beach'

this was DEFINATLY an emergency

You don't need the capitals and 'DEFINATELY' should be 'definitely'

When at last she reached her house only to find it surrounded by police cars and nosey neighbors wanting to know what was happening.

I'd change the start of this sentence to something like -
'At last she reached her house, only to find'

“Whelp,” started the officer

'Whelp' ?

Oh. My. God, Thought Cassandra

'thought'

“I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT!” screamed Cassandra green eyes flashing, “I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE HECK MY PARENTS ARE!”

This doesn't need to be all in capitals and I'd suggest changing 'Cassandra' to 'she' as you say 'Cassandra' quite a lot in a short amount of sentences.

she didn’t even know she HAD a grandmother.

No need to have 'HAD' all in caps. Also, I find it hard to believe that she didn't know she had a grandmother - after all, her parents have to have had parents at some point. Maybe say that she'd never even seen her grandmother before, instead.

(Cassandra lives in California)!

Instead of telling the reader this like this, you could maybe write it into the story. E.g. - 'Not to mention that her grandma lived all the way across the country. Cassandra had never even left her home state of California before.'

NEEDS to stay here

Unnecessary capitals.

not remembering what happened.

'not remembering what had happened.'

1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of shorts,

Either write it as;
'one pair of jeans, one pair of shorts,'
or
'a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts,'

who came into her

'who had come into her'

she never even talked

'she's never even talked'

She quickly added to me.

You have a little bit of first person seeping into your work here with 'me' It should be 'Cassandra'

She acted like she was twice her age; she must have been through so much.

I'm not sure on this assumption. The girl could just naturally be a little maturer than other kids her age. I'd get rid of the part of the sentence after the semicolon.

so the all retired

'so they all retired'

backing cookies with

'baking cookies with'

So...

The one thing that I picked up on was the lack of commas in your work. I'm not saying you should add in a load of unnessasry ones. A good way to find where commas should go in your work is to read it outloud. Where you take natural pauses in your sppech is where the commas should go.

Also, be careful to watch your tenses. You seem to slip out of the wrong tense in a couple of places, but that can be easily cleared up by reading your work aloud.

I enjoyed reading this and I think you could have an interesting story on your hands =]

I hope you find this review helpful!

xDudettex

Wow, slow down! I'm sorry but this was so rushed. It's okay to take things slow and let them develop in a way that lets the reader become hooked.

Prologue

In general, this is a very unnecessary prologue. It doesn't establish anything much related to the story. It reminded me more of something you would read on the back cover of a book.

Chapeter 1

When she meets Mr. Winkle:
This was very very abrupt. I understand wanting the fact to be a surprise, but this is a little ridiculous. Think about real life situations. Would this happen in real life? Or would she more likely go home to find her parents missing and this CIA agent in their place. But then, it usually takes a missing persons report for any sort of federal agent to have to come take a child. In which case, her parents would likely be missing for a while and she would know before this guy showed up that her parents were gone.

The idea is good, but how you use it could use some work.

Cassandra found a bag of her things next to her bed which contained: two shirts, 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of shorts, a brush, and underwear.

1 should be spelled out (one). Also, how many clothing items she has in the bag isn't really relevant to the story. Saying something like the bag held basic necessities like a clothes and a brush would be just fine.

She acted like she was twice her age; she must have been through so much.

Cassandra just met this girl and they exchanged only a few words. Show us how the girl acts twice her age, and show it more over time. Telling things is much less effective than showing them in almost every situation.

The bell rang and brought Cassandra back to reality.

Bell? I thought they were at the orphanage. Why would there be a bell there? Explain the purpose of the bell, or give her a different reason for leaving the room.

Despite how I may have sounded, I liked this. It has potential. Don't be discouraged, we have all been here. Just remember to slow things down, keep it real, and to show not tell.

Keep writing!

-Lauren

thanks for all the tips guys ! i really need it lol i am not much of a writer but i came up with this story one day and really wanted to write it THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE

Hey
I like the whole storyline it seems like its going to be very interesting. I didn't like this part

(Cassandra lives in California)!

It would be better if you had said wher she lived earlier on in the story. Also i think your using too much "was". Was is a word in passive voice and for a story to be more exciting try to use active voice. For e.g instead of saying

Soon it was beginning to get dark

you could say "Darkness soon began to fall." Anyway i like where the story is going and want to know what happens next

thx for the tips! i am working my best lol i think i am going to have my mom look over my stuff before i post so it can sound better save all of you the troble lol hope you dont mind chapter two is out but i dont know if i did better or worse with it

Hey there, I'm here to review your story as requested! Dudette really got most of the issues, and I'm just going to go in and point out anything that stood out to me.


Critique
Chapter 1: just a normal girl.

Cassandra was your average kid: average grades, average height, average weight, your normal 15-year-old girl. But, she was exactly the opposite of a normal 15 year old girl yet she had no idea. You should try rewording this to something like "...15 year old girl. She had no idea, though." or "She just didn't know it yet." although the latter line is extremely clichéd. Cassandra’s most favorite thing in the world was something most kids her age hate the most,colon books. Her room was more like her own mini library! Whenever she was in there, she would find herself reading everything from Charles Dickens to Dr. Seuss. Her bright green eyes were always glued to a book, lost in the world of stories that she loved so much.
It was the middle of summer and Cassandra was cuddled up at the beach reading Moby Dick. She looked up from her bookcomma pushing back a stray lock of her light brown hair. Staring at the shore linecomma she could almost see the great whale rising from the sea and hear the shout of Captain Ahab. Cassandra looked down and continued reading when she heard foot steps coming near her. She turned her head to see who it was and, oddly enough, it was an odd little man dressed like a businessman. <-- this sentence is too redundant. You say "oddly enough" and then "odd little man" and then "businessman." You should consider changing it to something along the lines of: "She turned her head to see who it was and saw an odd little man in a business suit." Also, how is he odd? Is there something in the way he's acting, dressed, or just his appearance in face? Cassandra couldn’t help but stare at the weird man running toward her. The reader has no idea that he was running towards her, and when you say it like this, it makes it seem like we were already acquainted with this information. Suddenly, the wind caught his hair and a wig flew off his headcomma heading for the opposite direction, and the man turned around and began chasing after it. Cassandra Bburst into a fit of small giggles and pondered over why a businessman was doing on the beach, It's either going to be worded as "What a businessman was doing on the beach" or "Why a businessman was on the beach." but soon she found herself once more reading her book.

* * *

About an hour later, Cassandra packed up her book and was about to head home when she heard someone calling her name. Wondering who it could be, she turned around and saw the businessman.
“Thank goodness I found you Cassandra! You MUST come quickly!” said the odd little businessman <-- Too many uses of this word. the only difference being that now his wig was crocked Is this the word you're wanting? Because I don't know if "drunk" is the right way to describe the wig. Maybe you were going for crooked? and sandy.
“And you are?” asked Cassandracomma still a little shocked that the man knew her name. She's just a little shocked? I'd be freaking out and getting a bottle of Mace ready.
“Oh sorry, I’m Mr. Winklecomma but never mind names! Your parents are missing!” exclaimed Mr. Winkle.
At first, Cassandra didn’t believe the man at all, but that was when she noticed the badge on his chest that read:
Burt Winkle
CIA
Before Burt Winkle could offer her a ride, Cassandra was already halfway across the beach sprinting as fast as she could toward her home. She decided to take a short cut through the woods that she only used for emergencies and this was DEFINATLY It's spelled "definitely" and also you don't capitalize to give emphasis, you use italics. an emergency! Twigs snagged at her jeans but she ignored them, running as fast as her feet could take her. When at last she reached her house only to find it surrounded by police cars and nosey neighbors wanting to know what was happening. This whole part needs to be reworded. It's only a fragment of a sentence; you've left it hanging. Try phrasing it like this: "She finally reached her house, only to find it surrounded by police cars..." You see how it doesn't sound like there's something that's going to be continued? If you try reading the red sentence aloud, I think you'll be able to hear why it doesn't work. That's something I do a lot with writing my book; I just step back and pretend I'm someone who's reading the story for the first time, and read it aloud. It helps me catch so many mistakes or confusing parts. Cassandra ran up to the nearest police officer.
“Where are my mom and dad!” shouted Cassandracomma still in a state of shock,<- that should be a period. “I’m Cassandra Rosehaven.comma” Sshe added quickly.
“Whelp,” Whoa, is the guy calling her a whelp?? That doesn't seem like something a police officer would do. started the officer, and Cassandra couldn’t help but feel a flare of anger at the man for acting so casual when her parents were missing,period “It seems your parents are missing.”
Oh. My. God, Tthought Cassandracomma and that was when her anger bubbled over.
“I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT!” screamed Cassandra Sometimes you can use pronouns like "she" instead of always referring to the character by name, just to mix things up and not become so repetitive, especially if it's evident who's talking. green eyes flashing, “I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE HECK MY PARENTS ARE!” I don't think you should capitalize that all.
“Calm down there, we are still trying to figure that out,” said the officercomma leaving Cassandra fuming. Okay, just a note here, but would a real police officer really be that callous? Usually they'd try to comfort her and make sure she's taken care of, maybe even question her to get any info as to the parents' whereabouts.
“There you are, Cassandra!” New paragraph --> Cassandra turned and saw that Mr. Winkle was once again running towards her. “You are going to be staying at the town orphanage until your grandmother comes from New Jersey to pick you up.”
* * *

That night, there was no way Cassandra would ever be able to sleep. So much had just happened to her. Her parents were gone and who knew when they would come back. Also, now she was being sent to some “Grandma Ann” in New Jersey; she didn’t even know she HAD use italics a grandmother. Not to mention that her grandma lived all the way across the country (Cassandra lives in California)! There are subtler ways to convey this information, instead of stepping outside of the story momentarily to inform the reader that there's such a distance. For instance, you could say "Not to mention that this so-called Grandma Ann lived across the country, so far away from Cassandra's familiar home in California.
She NEEDS to stay here! Her parents are missing and if they have any hope of being found she would have to find them. Again, you're switching narrative style, as if you're stepping out and pleading for Cassandra's case, instead of showing us what Cassandra's doing. No matter how much she pleaded to Mr. Winkle, he would always come up with some excuse as to why she would need to go to her grandmother’s. Eventually, Cassandra could no longer hold her eyes open and drifted into a deep sleep.
Cassandra woke with a start, not knowing where she was and not remembering what happened. Then her thoughts of the previous night came flooding back to her. She slumped back down onto her pillow in defeat. What am I going to do? I believe you italicize direct thoughts. Sshe thought to herself. Cassandra heard a light knocking on her door. Sitting up, she quickly responded with a, “cCome in!”
A little red-headed girl, maybe around the age of seven, quickly muttered that dinner was ready and gave the directions to the cafeteria before leaving. Cassandra found a bag of her things next to her bed which contained: two shirts, 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of shorts, a brush, and underwear. "which contained two shirts, a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts, a brush, and some underwear." The way you have it listing everything, which isn't what you do in a story. Also, any number smaller than ten is written fully out. She quickly got dressed in the t-shirt and jeans ensemble before heading down to the cafeteria, but not before having to ask directions twice.
The cafeteria was kind of set up the same as the one at her school, delinquents on one side and normal kids on the other. Cassandra chose to sit next to the girl who came into her room that morning since she had never even talked to anyone else.
“Hey look, a new kid!” exclaimed one of the delinquents,period “Yeah, you over there!” he saidcomma noticing that Cassandra looked up.
“Leave her alone, Billy!” responded the little red-headed girl,period “Can’t you see she is Would a little girl really talk this formally? Contractions are usually okay when you're using them in dialogue, because it's reflecting the characters' style of speech. scared enough! I’m Ellie, by the way.comma” Sshe quickly added to me.
“Thanks Ellie, I’m Cassandra.” Cassandra couldn’t help but smile at the little girl. She acted like she was twice her age; she must have been through so much.
“Be careful around herecomma Cassandra. Some of these people are real creeps,” said Elliecomma before introducing Cassandra to all of the “nicer” kids. “That Billy is the worst; don’t get on his bad side.”
“Thanks, I feel a lot better,” Cassandra saidcomma smilingcomma and it wasn’t all a lie. She really did feel kind of better now that she had a friend.
The rest of breakfast passed while all of the kids Ellie classified as “nice” introduced themselves. A bell rang and all of the kids cleared their plates and then headed outsidecomma and Cassandra followed suit.
“So, Cassandra, can you tell us some stuff about you?” asked Elliecomma and her group of friends all nodded in agreement.
“Well it’s not very exciting,” Cassandra saidcomma blushing a bit at being the center of attention. All the kids starting taking turns in telling Cassandra stuff about them. Cassandra was happy that they were trying so hard to help her settle in. She couldn’t help but feel a bit better with them there. Soon it was beginning to get dark so they all retired to their roomscomma with Cassandra among them. Cassandra settled down in her room with Moby Dick, which she had brought with her until, once more, sleep found her.

* * *

Three days later and there was still no sign of Cassandra’s grandmother. The thought that she might not even be coming began to cross her "Cassandra's". You need to specify, since you're talking about two different females here which "her" could be referring to. mind. She shook her head to clear her thoughts,period it is still too soon to think that, It's still too soon to think that, would be the correct way. she mentally noted to herself. New paragraph here -> She met up with Ellie and the rest of the “nice” kids and atecomma or silentlycomma here, alternately listening to their conversation, not really trying to keep up. She was too consumed in her own thoughts to really care. Cassandra began to mentally draw a picture of what she hoped her grandmother to be like. She was starting to feel a little excited about meeting her grandma Ann. She pictured a jolly old woman backing cookies with some silly apron on, grinning as she asked Cassandra to help, with rosy cheeks and white hair. Then Cassandra came to her sensescomma thinking that her image was more like Mrs. Claus than what her grandmother was like. The bell rang and brought Cassandra back to reality. She was about to leave to go outside when someone stopped her.
“Your grandmother is here!”

End of critique


Okay, so I noticed a lot of grammatical errors, and also a somewhat passive, hurried "voice" to the story. Try to make it so that the reader feels like he/she's really in Cassandra's head, feeling what she feels and such. Right now, Cassandra's too two-dimensional; there's not much that's making me root for her, which is what you want in a book, especially the first chapter. You want the reader to be so sucked in by the story that they can't put the book down.

I think you've got a good start though! I'll check out part two.

thanks! i am going to fix all this stuff sometime lol

Well I must say that was very interesting. One thing that I, personally, would do, is thread in a little bit more emotion. That's pretty much the way I write and what I think gives every story motivation. Also, I did like that you had a prologue but I thought it was a little banal. Then again, I don't really know what kind of audience your directing the story at, so it could be completely appropriate.

All in all, it's a great idea for a story and I think you should keep working at it. I look forward to reading more:)