she

i sold my soul for kisses on the playground
i thought i would feel better
she sat on the swings like an angel with no wings
said she wanted to fly

so i obliged
i helped her fly
as i chased her on the playground i showed her
how to comply
as she ran away from me

i washed dishes eleven hours every day
she walked in and never paid
i found a number etched in the cups she left behind
with a heart and a hopeful hello

so i obliged
we lived side by side in a twin sized bed
we stared out the window and traced the raindrops
and i showed how i could comply
as she laid next to me

i sang songs for pennies on the street
she played a mean guitar
i got looks from people with suits every day
saying "wow, that's a lucky guy"

so i obliged
i felt so high with my musical life
we taught lessons with our voices in tune
and showed how we could not comply
as she sang next to me

we traveled farther than lewis and clark
never stopping for more than a week
we jumped trains with the rest of the misfits
and drank red wine under the summer sky

and i obliged
we said so long to the troubles at home
i kissed her on the lips and said she was mine
she said she would love to comply
as she kissed me back

i tried this and she tried that
still searching to fly
but i never asked a question out loud
"what if we get too high?"

but we obliged
we used things to forget the past
i showed her how it's done
and then she complied
as i watched her drown in my own wake

two years later we found our lives broken
and nowhere to hide
she arrived at the window of the chelsea hotel
and said: "this place looks fine"

i chased her to the edge but she was always faster
i tried to talk to her but she would only scream
i saw her silhouette against the blackened sun
my angel with no wings

she obliged
she waved goodbye
a thirteen story fall off the fourteenth floor
she said she wanted to fly
and she flew away from me

she flew away from me

Hello again Zenjoy
this was a beautiful poem but I'm not really understanding your reasons behind the repetition for "Obliged" and "comply" some places they seen too abrupt for the stanza, or simply don't jive with the rest of the lines. And you do the comply thing every other stanza until the end, where i think you skip two stanzas to save it for her fall.

But that's just my opinion, someone else will probably come along and say they love that part of your work. Because poetry is funny like that.
Besides that, this way my favorite poem of yours. It was nice and clean and stayed on-topic, following a somewhat linear structure. And even though it was another romance it feels brand-new with your words-- no stale phrases here.

Zenjoy wrote:chased her to the edge but she was always faster
i tried to talk to her but she would only scream
i saw her silhouette against the blackened sun
my angel with no wings

My favorite stanza-- you really have an odd way with words, Zenjoy. I like it.

Wow. I really liked this. I felt like you let the reader get to know the characters. Plus the end had some great imagery. The idea of a blackened sun fits perfectly here. I'm not sure if you meant to not capitalize any of the "i's", but I think that I like it that way. It seems to fit the poem somehow.

Great job, I can't wait for more!
~Poem

haha i guess i should be more clear,

each other stanza is the chorus, until the end. the last verse is twice as long

thank you all for the feedback!

Oh wow...this has to be some of the best poetry I've read in a long time, and I've been reading a lot of poetry lately. You told a story, using imagery, I could picture it, and you made me feel something. You really surprised me,I took one look at the lack of capitalization, punctuation, and the length, and immediately though "Oh great...another bad poem, and great...look how long it is." But I was blown away by the time I got to the third stanza, not what I expecting at all. Which you might want to fix the capitalization, and punctuation, because it might turn people off your piece. But I've known quite a few people who do that on purpose, as sort of a style. This line has got to be my favorite, I think it's beautiful.

i chased her to the edge but she was always faster
i tried to talk to her but she would only scream
i saw her silhouette against the blackened sun
my angel with no wings

You've got a great way of writing, and this whole poem is amazing! I love it, and I can't wait to read more from you!

I have to agree that this poem is amazing! I love the way you put a spin on the genre of love poems. And it told a story, which not too many people think to do with their poems, so kudos for that. I have to admit that lowercase i's were quite distracting. I'm not really sure what your reasoning was behind this.

"what if we get too high?"

For some reason this line just didn't jive. I felt it was too obvious and I wish you had left some mystery as to what exactly they were doing in this stanza.

Good job! You deserve a gold star!

I'm not sure whether this poem was amazing or a precariously balanced of the edge of disaster.

One thing that bothered me throughout the poem mostly was the lack of capitalization and punctuation. "i" should be "I" all the time, mind you. If there is no punctuation, theoretically no pause is created and if the reader could they would have to read it in one breath. Of course, we can't do that. So we breath when we can, interrupting your sentences and flow.

The repetition of comply and obliged seemed like a waste effort to be. The lyrical format of this makes it more song like, but that's not in my skills range.

I feel this poem was a bit of a mess. The lack of proper grammar and punctuation, and the cliche idea of a love gone bad.

Keep trying,

Kamas

Zen,


Take this poem slowly. You have so much potential here; this poem is bursting with idea and if not complete originality, it has emotion and tone to it, but you're giving us too much.


Cut back on how much you're telling us. We only need the important parts; cut back any words that aren't be used, or being used well. Tell us a story without using the most plaintive language. Vary your words. Keep the repetition of "I obliged" because I like it.


Any implied messages, such as i-love-yous don't need to be stated, because, naturally, they're implied. And, lastly, work on the flow. Try to get your words to blend into each other fluidly and read this aloud to ensure it's easy to read.

June