The Last Walk

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A young man called Billy O'Hara walked down a desolate forgotten road. He had a noticeable swagger in his stride. His worn down raw hide boots clicked softly on the ruined tarmac.
He had his New York cap turned back against the rather crisp cold wind.
O'Hara s black leather jacket glistened against the summer rays and his two earrings twinkled serenely like diamonds suspended in the air.

Billy's cold steel blue eyes care fully observed his surroundings.
The forgotten road had dead trees either side like suits of armor standing to attention.
The wood creaked and groaned against the bitter winds. The road was as straight as a ruler.
Billy eyed a tree. It had caught his attention for it was burnt. It had a hollow in the middle like a mouth. It seemed as if the tree was screaming. Pain was etched into its very bark.
Billy scurried past the tree. He didn't like the way how it seemed to lean closer in or how the branches appeared to be pointing away. The way he had came from, as if warding him off.

Suddenly a fierce gust of wind buffeted Billy; it was like the gods themselves had conjured it up. Again Billy had the thought that someone wanted him to leave.
The wind abruptly stopped as if someone had shut the door against it.
Eerie silence followed. Billy had a sense of being watched.


His heart skipped a beat as he saw, out of the corner of his eye, a stealthy movement. He spun around, to see a flea ravaged mongrel dog with a long scar down its back where the tissue had mended it self leaving the skin a dull pink color.
He thought perhaps a knife had been upon the dog. Then the dog bared its nearly rotten teeth in a 'back off warning'
Then the dog did something that very peculiar that aroused Billy's sense of suspicion ten fold, not to mention his fear.
The dog jerked its head to the left repeatedly the way he had came.
Billy stood dumbstruck.
Eventually the dog gave up and walked back into the dead trees. Gone forever...

After a few minutes of debate on whether to proceed or to get the hell out of this place.
Billy had chosen the first option.

Soon after Billy's diplomatic decision to head on. He had no real gauge on where he was, and no real idea to why he chose to ditch his stolen car and head down the road in the first place.

Billy had arrived at an old whether board house. Painted black.
Cautiously he approached the front door. The boards creaked impossibly loud on the front steps, which were astoundingly warped.
It was it the boards wanted him to be heard. Finally he arrived at a solid oak door. Billy stood in awe at the sheer detail of the carving upon the door. Billy pressed one palm against the carving of Jesus praying before the altar of God. he quickly realized that the wood seemed to tingle slightly at his touch.
Billy drew in a sharp breath and began to back away.
The wind the reared up again blowing his hat from his head he made to chase after it when the gate from behind him swung shut with a solid clack!

Billy was trapped he felt like he had aged at least 10 years in the space of an hour.
He was facing towards the gate looking longingly at the road. Again the sense of being watched encased him again. He turned slowly around.
Standing at the front door was an elderly man with horn rimmed glasses, behind the glasses were a pair of faded green eyes. It reminded Billy of cats eyes.
"Well, you need something?" the man inquired as he walked down the steps to greet him. Billy noticed the boards didn't utter a squeak for him.
"Names Abraham," Abraham chortled, not waiting for a reply.
Billy throat felt like he had just eaten sand. He found himself unable to speak.

"Come," Abraham said with menace. And Billy was gripped strongly by the fore arm. He was hauled up into the house like a bag of rubbish.

Billy was led into a room shrouded in darkness. He thought he saw snatches of wallpaper. The firm hand holding Billy's skinny pale forearm let go.
They emerged into a dimly lit kitchen where there were was a vast array of knives hanging from the walls. What hit Billy the most upon entering the room was the bitter smell that was kitchen cleaner. It filled the whole room.
But Billy thought that he smelled something under the disinfectant-something sinister.
Mean while Abraham had gone to the fridge, cold air rushed out and chilled Billy to the bone.
A dog barked loudly out side.
Abraham stood looking at Billy. His face a blanket of calm relaxtion.
He pushed a bottle of root beet into one of Billy's hands. He felt the cold glass on his bony fingertips.
"C'mon me boy drink that good stuff up," Abraham crooned.
Automatically as if some one was controlling him. Billy unscrewed the lid and quickly downed the drink 3 long gulps. It felt refreshingly cool against his sand paper parched throat.
Abraham was looking at him greedily, as if he was some exotic prey he had caught.
Billy thought he looked like a tiger who had found the perfect prey to kill...and eat.
Abraham pulled a knife from his pocket, a long thin steel knife with a peculiar rough cut diamond on the base of the handle.
Billy tried to back away, but the old man was surprisingly quick as well as strong.
He punched Billy to the ground. Blood spurted from his mouth, some of his teeth made a deathly silent click on the steel of the near by sink.
Abraham jumped on top of Billy and held him down.
"Gees your a dumb one," Abraham yelled into Billy's panic stricken face.
"You had all the signs to stay away, the dog the tree i had so carefully pruned and nurtured and the wind 'twas a nice touch."
"But yet here you are drinking my drink, and oh my God doesn't like stupid boys, oh no! I've taken it upon my self to eradicate stupid thieving boys from his glorious world" Abraham said.
He was in a frenzy. Abraham shook Billy like a babies rattle.
"No, please no," Billy pleaded into Abraham's eyes. He didn't see a hint of mercy and in that instant he knew he was about to die.

He had been drawn into a trap. Some kind of sick test that he had failed. Abraham was the predator and he was the prey.
As Abraham drew down the knife yelling, "For God."
Billy wished he hadn't ditched his car and gone exploring/escaping today. That wish of course never came true.

The next day a young man called Adam Graves was walking down a desolate forgotten track he had a noticeable swagger in his stride.
Abraham lurked in the nearby shadows with a dog on a leash ready for the 'test'
Adam failed miserably.

THE END
"There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering." Cato




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Whoa. That was...different. In a good way though! I loved it. Your use of imagery is so intriguing, and the technique for sound effects was brilliant. Other than one or two missed commas, I didn't really find many errors at all. Great work! Let me know if you ever need a review. TTYL, x
The only true failure, is when you give up. ♥




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really good descriptive writing :)
although the use of the name billy over and over again is very repetitive, maybe you could change some of the billys to 'him' or 'he' etc etc.
but good joob, good story :)




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tommyknocker wrote:A young man called Billy O'Hara walked down a desolate forgotten road. He had a noticeable swagger in his stride. His worn down raw hide boots clicked softly on the ruined tarmac.
He had his New York cap turned back against the rather crisp cold wind.
O'Hara s black leather jacket glistened against the summer rays and his two earrings twinkled serenely like diamonds suspended in the air.

Billy's cold steel blue eyes care fully observed his surroundings.
The forgotten road had dead trees either side like suits of armor standing to attention.
The wood creaked and groaned against the bitter winds. The road was as straight as a ruler.

Billy eyed a tree. It had caught his attention for it was burnt. It had a hollow in the middle like a mouth. It seemed as if the tree was screaming. Pain was etched into its very bark.
Billy scurried past the tree. He didn't like the way how it seemed to lean closer in or how the branches appeared to be pointing away. The way he had came from, as if warding him off.

Suddenly a fierce gust of wind buffeted Billy; it was like the gods themselves had conjured it up. Again Billy had the thought that someone wanted him to leave.
The wind abruptly stopped as if someone had shut the door against it.
Eerie silence followed. Billy had a sense of being watched.


His heart skipped a beat as he saw, out of the corner of his eye, a stealthy movement. He spun around, to see a flea ravaged mongrel dog with a long scar down its back where the tissue had mended it self leaving the skin a dull pink color.
He thought perhaps a knife had been upon the dog. Then the dog bared its nearly rotten teeth in a 'back off warning'
Then the dog did something that very peculiar that aroused Billy's sense of suspicion ten fold, not to mention his fear.
The dog jerked its head to the left repeatedly the way he had came.
Billy stood dumbstruck.
Eventually the dog gave up and walked back into the dead trees. Gone forever...

After a few minutes of debate on whether to proceed or to get the hell out of this place.
Billy had chosen the first option.

Soon after Billy's diplomatic decision to head on. He had no real gauge on where he was, and no real idea to why he chose to ditch his stolen car and head down the road in the first place.

Billy had arrived at an old whether board house. Painted black.
Cautiously he approached the front door. The boards creaked impossibly loud on the front steps, which were astoundingly warped.
It was it the boards wanted him to be heard. Finally he arrived at a solid oak door. Billy stood in awe at the sheer detail of the carving upon the door. Billy pressed one palm against the carving of Jesus praying before the altar of God. he quickly realized that the wood seemed to tingle slightly at his touch.
Billy drew in a sharp breath and began to back away.
The wind the reared up again blowing his hat from his head he made to chase after it when the gate from behind him swung shut with a solid clack!

Billy was trapped he felt like he had aged at least 10 years in the space of an hour.
He was facing towards the gate looking longingly at the road. Again the sense of being watched encased him again. He turned slowly around.
Standing at the front door was an elderly man with horn rimmed glasses, behind the glasses were a pair of faded green eyes. It reminded Billy of cats eyes.
"Well, you need something?" the man inquired as he walked down the steps to greet him. Billy noticed the boards didn't utter a squeak for him.
"Names Abraham," Abraham chortled, not waiting for a reply.
Billy throat felt like he had just eaten sand. He found himself unable to speak.

"Come," Abraham said with menace. And Billy was gripped strongly by the fore arm. He was hauled up into the house like a bag of rubbish.

Billy was led into a room shrouded in darkness. He thought he saw snatches of wallpaper. The firm hand holding Billy's skinny pale forearm let go.
They emerged into a dimly lit kitchen where there were was a vast array of knives hanging from the walls. What hit Billy the most upon entering the room was the bitter smell that was kitchen cleaner. It filled the whole room.
But Billy thought that he smelled something under the disinfectant-something sinister.
Mean while Abraham had gone to the fridge, cold air rushed out and chilled Billy to the bone.
A dog barked loudly out side.
Abraham stood looking at Billy. His face a blanket of calm relaxtion.
He pushed a bottle of root beet into one of Billy's hands. He felt the cold glass on his bony fingertips.
"C'mon me boy drink that good stuff up," Abraham crooned.
Automatically as if some one was controlling him. Billy unscrewed the lid and quickly downed the drink 3 long gulps. It felt refreshingly cool against his sand paper parched throat.
Abraham was looking at him greedily, as if he was some exotic prey he had caught.
Billy thought he looked like a tiger who had found the perfect prey to kill...and eat.
Abraham pulled a knife from his pocket, a long thin steel knife with a peculiar rough cut diamond on the base of the handle.
Billy tried to back away, but the old man was surprisingly quick as well as strong.
He punched Billy to the ground. Blood spurted from his mouth, some of his teeth made a deathly silent click on the steel of the near by sink.
Abraham jumped on top of Billy and held him down.
"Gees your a dumb one," Abraham yelled into Billy's panic stricken face.
"You had all the signs to stay away, the dog the tree i had so carefully pruned and nurtured and the wind 'twas a nice touch."
"But yet here you are drinking my drink, and oh my God doesn't like stupid boys, oh no! I've taken it upon my self to eradicate stupid thieving boys from his glorious world" Abraham said.
He was in a frenzy. Abraham shook Billy like a babies rattle.
"No, please no," Billy pleaded into Abraham's eyes. He didn't see a hint of mercy and in that instant he knew he was about to die.

He had been drawn into a trap. Some kind of sick test that he had failed. Abraham was the predator and he was the prey.
As Abraham drew down the knife yelling, "For God."
Billy wished he hadn't ditched his car and gone exploring/escaping today. That wish of course never came true.

The next day a young man called Adam Graves was walking down a desolate forgotten track he had a noticeable swagger in his stride.
Abraham lurked in the nearby shadows with a dog on a leash ready for the 'test'
Adam failed miserably.

THE END


It was good and engaging, but the bold paragraph I've highlighted sounds a bit poetic in the wrong sense. I feel you're jumping too much from one description to the next. I like how you've described Billy O'Hara in the opening, and I think you should keep the road's description as mysterious as possible so we can be more imaginitive as readers. Thus I think maybe getting rid of the poetic bit?


The focus on the burnt tree (which I've highlighted red) is absolutely EXCELLENT! It keeps the mystery of the road but paints a picture of the atmosphere surrounding it, which I think is pure class! Well done here!


"Billy had a sense of being watched"
That line was super! It really kept me engaged. :)


My main pointers to improve the rest of your prose would be to:
- Structure your description better, so it's more fluent.
- Edit your work to remove unnecesary description; try to make things more implicit! More mysterious!


- And lastly keep up the fantastic prose! You're a very engaging writer, best of luck :)
Ben.




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Hey =]

I'm gonna take a shot at reviewing this for you!

A young man called Billy O'Hara walked down a desolate forgotten road.

This is ok for an opening sentence, but it just seems a bit... I'm not sure. I think it would be better if you got rid of the 'A young man called' bit and joined this sentence with the one after it. E.g;

'Billy O'Hara walked down a desolate forgotten road, a noticable swagger in his stride.'

rather crisp cold wind.

I think you need a comma after 'crisp'

Billy's cold steel blue eyes care fully observed his surroundings.

'care fully' is one word. Also, you already used 'cold' a couple of sentences before. Maybe change it for another word.

The forgotten road had dead trees either side like suits of armor standing to attention.

I like the way you've described the trees, but I think this sentence needs to be re-worded.
Perhaps something like; 'Dead trees stood on either side of the road, standing to attention like suits of armour.'

bitter winds.

'winds' doesn't need to be plural.

It had a hollow in the middle like a mouth.

Try; 'It was hollowed out in the middle, reminding Billy of a mouth.'

He didn't like the way how it seemed to lean closer in or how the

Either 'He didn't like the way' or 'He didn't like how'

He spun around, to see a flea ravaged mongrel

You don't need the comma.

a flea ravaged mongrel dog

A mongrel is a dog so I don't think you need both.

it self leaving

'itself leaving'

Then the dog bared its nearly rotten teeth in a 'back off warning'
Then the dog did something that very peculiar that aroused Billy's sense of suspicion ten fold, not to mention his fear.

Both of these sentences start the same way - try re-wording one of them.

The dog jerked its head to the left repeatedly the way he had came.

By 'he' do you mean Billy or the dog? I'm guessing you mean Billy, but I'd change it so it's a little clearer who you mean.

Gone forever...

How would Billy be sure? I'd get rid of this sentence.

After a few minutes of debate on whether to proceed or to get the hell out of this place.
Billy had chosen the first option.

Try something like - 'After a few minutes of debating whether to proceed or leave, he chose to keep on walking.'

Soon after Billy's diplomatic decision to head on. He had no real gauge on where he was, and no real idea to why he chose to ditch his stolen car and head down the road in the first place.

This would read better if you changed the first full stop to a comma and added 'realised he' after 'He'
E.g.
'Soon after Billy's diplomatic decision to head on, he realised he had no real gauge on where he was, and no real idea to why he'd chosen to ditch his stolen car and head down the road in the first place.'

old whether board house.

I don't get this description of the house :? Do you mean that the house is boarded and the boards are weathered?

Cautiously he approached the front door.

Comma after 'Cautiously'

astoundingly warped.

'astoundingly' doesn't sound right here. Maybe try 'extremely' instead.

It was it the boards wanted him to be heard.

Do you mean 'It was as if the boards wanted him to be heard.' ? Also, I don't think you need to put 'boards' in italics.

Billy pressed one palm against

Change 'Billy' to 'He'

of God. he quickly realized

Change the full stop to a comma.

The wind the reared up again blowing his hat from his head he made to chase after it when the gate from behind him swung shut with a solid clack!

Try; 'The wind reared up again, blowing his hat from his head. He made to chase after it when the gate from behind him swung shut with a solid clack!'
I'd re-word the second half of this sentence as the 'gate from behind him' part is a bit unclear.

Billy was trapped he felt like he had aged at least 10 years in the space of an hour.

Add in 'and' after 'trapped' Also, '10' should be written as 'ten'

Again the sense of being watched encased him again.

Remove the first 'Again'

He turned slowly around.

'He turned around slowly.'

Billy throat

'Billy's throat'

"Come," Abraham said with menace. And Billy was gripped strongly by the fore arm. He was hauled up into the house like a bag of rubbish.

Try - '"Come," Abraham said with menace, grabbing Billy strongly by the fore arm before hauling him up into the house like a bag of rubbish.'

The last part is rushed. Space it out a little as at the moment it all seems to blur.

Overall, the story isn't that bad and was an enjoyable read =]

I hope my review has helped!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.



I am always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
— Holden Caulfield