Before You Go

Before you go you should know...
I waited for him all night,
But he never came
I cried for him,
But he never cared
I looked for him,
But he didn't look for me
I took care of him,
And he let my happiness fade
The darkness covered me
It kept me captive
I went unnoticed
Unwanted
Alone with my thought
The days got better as i forgot about him
never completely gone just a dim momorie
Then you came
A new face in the crowd
You saw me
you noticed me
You wanted me
You knew the pain
You held me close
My world grew bright
And it shines brighter when your near
So before you go
I just wanted to say thanks for finding me

Doesn't explain enough. It leaves too much to the imagination, in a bad way. You say that someone left you, and you got all sad, and so on, and then someone, "you", came, and made you happy again, and then left, and then came back. What? Why did this second person leave in the first place, and why weren't you as sad about it as you were with this other person?

I'd think that "you" was the same person as "him", except for a few lines that prove otherwise. You explain the tale of "I" and "him", but not the tale of "I" and "you", and the reader is left in want. You should elaborate.

Also, too much of this is cliche/emo/Twilight.

What I like about this poem is how, unlike many of the emo poems there are, you have the main character, who I'll assume is female, take some control in a few lines.

I would suggest you try to make this less emo (how it is already is a good start, on first glance it looks whiny and emo but it's actually not too emo on a second look), make the main character stronger and take more control, and elaborate on who "you" is.

~Aet

Thanks for the feedback, I'll work on the 'emo' part. I definitely don't want to sound whinny. Anyone eles want to help me it seems kind of off and i can't figure out why.

okay... correct me if I'm wrong. A guy left you right? And another guy came? And he is leaving now too? Well, anyway I liked it. Very emo though. But, I see myself becoming a little emo. Your poem was a little confusing at first but as I read it it became clear. Liked it. Keep up the work!

Hey there!

Nitpicks:

And he let my happyness happiness fade

Alone with my thoughts

The days got better as i I forgot about him

never completly gone just a dim momorie memory

And it shines brighter when your you're near

And you need punctuation, kid! Lots of punctuation!

The part I really didn't like was the:

I waited for him all night,
But he never came
I cried for him,
But he never cared
I looked for him,
But he didn't look for me
I took care of him,
And he let my happyness fade

This part is whiny. Really whiny. And also kind of annoying.

And:

The darkness covered me
It kept me captive

Sounds emo and cliché. Which, as you don't want it to be like that, I would remove.

I like the way you kind of turned it round in the end, with her finding someone new and all. That was nice!

I hope I helped!

~Amy