Carnival Rides

Round and round,
My Pride likes to go on these carnival rides—
He does— not I.
Mounted atop Fortune's wheel,
He surveys the carnival-scape of Life
deluded is He by the mirrors
of the glass house(easily shattered)
and still He eats all the fluffed sweets
and listens along to the trivial songs.
Round and round, I see only lights
how they spiral and whirl and it's not a wonder I get dzizy
spinning in circles in a world of too many games and too many tricks.
Is nothing real? Are performances staged?
When the actors become me strung to a string
dancing like marionettes in guises of whimsical clowns
and opportune balloons that only
pop
because they are filled with naught but air,
I'll await the day
when He is catapulted
down
and I am up exalted, screaming
for sheer release, screaming
because I'm afraid, screaming
of getting stuck alone and exposed
of truth (hanged from the top of my lungs...)
But until then the wheel shall keep on turning
round and round, I'll keep on yearning
for the end of these carnival rides
and the death of my Pride.

Hi Audy,

Audy wrote:Round and round,

Why the odd italicizing? The only reason I can possibly think of is that perhaps it is intended to demonstrate a flow - that is, the ebb and tide within a word itself that emphasizes how it goes "round and round". Unfortunately, this is but a gimmick that does not hold its own weight when it can be said through more expensive and satisfactory methods. Keep it normal, and if you truly feel the need to delve into the meaning of the microcosm, hint and elaborate later in the poem; an intelligent reader - even a normal reader - will understand, or you have not done your job properly.

My Pride likes to go on these carnival rides—
He does— not I.
Mounted atop Fortune's wheel,
He surveys the carnival-scape of Life

Carnival-scape of Life? Really? Barring the unworthy and obvious capitalization of "life", you're spelling this out in the worst and most humiliating way in poetry. You might as well write a note in the beginning explaining exactly what all the metaphors are and how they correlate to the arching theme. No. That is the job of an essay, not a poem, which should be meant to envelop the reader through mental osmosis, not feed directly into his brain through a tube. Scrap it.

deluded is He by the mirrors
of the glass house(easily shattered)

We know it's easily shattered. It's glass. Why are you wasting time by making that so perfectly clear?

and still He eats all the fluffed sweets
and listens along to the trivial songs.
Round and round, I see only lights
how they spiral and whirl and it's not a wonder I get dzizy
spinning in circles in a world of too many games and too many tricks.
Is nothing real? Are performances staged?
When the actors become me strung to a string
dancing like marionettes in guises of whimsical clowns
and opportune balloons that only
pop
because they are filled with naught but air,

This is sickeningly existential and not only shows it, but screams it aloud to the entire audience, crashing together the cacophony of cymbals and banshees in its wake. "Is nothing real? Are performances staged?" These are the meanderings of an amateur philosopher who wants to sound intelligent by pasting phrases like those on a page and calling it a day.

This is not poetry. This is hardly literature worth reading, for it assumes that the reader is an idiot who cannot understand unless every word that enters his ears is bolded, underlined, italicized, and inflated so that there will not be an off-chance that he'll miss the meaning.

You'll find that if you are subtle, it not only allows your audience to retain some kind of dignity but allows you to clear up space that can be used to introduce a greater or lesser theme, or simply to better work with what you have.

I'll await the day
when He is catapulted
down
and I am up exalted, screaming
for sheer release, screaming
because I'm afraid, screaming
of getting stuck alone and exposed
of truth (hanged from the top of my lungs...)
But until then the wheel shall keep on turning
round and round, I'll keep on yearning
for the end of these carnival rides
and the death of my Pride.

All of the above critique can also be applied to this last section, and especially the last sentence, which kills any credibility this poem might have had when it was born.

Work on this. It desperately needs it.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Love it! I like that you call him "He". You are getting dizzy. Like He is confusing you in every way. I actually enjoyed this poem. *Stands up and clap* I am going through this poem. I love poetry that I can relate to. Keep up the awesome work!

Hey there!

Ok, so there were a couple of things which bugged me about the poem. Number one was the 'philosophical' questions you tried to put to us. 'Are performances staged' is a really annoying one, because the point of performances is that they're staged. Therefore you've ended up asking a very basic question to which everyone knows the answer. It sounds kind of stupid. In addition, you ask these questions but you never expand on them. So why bother asking in the first place?

I did enjoy reading this, but when I read it again and again I began to feel like you were just using words and phrases because they sounded good, rather than because they had a meaning or hid a subtle message. It all felt a little bit empty.

But what you have proven here is that you can string together sentences really well, keeping up a nice flow. You also have a lovely vocabulary. What I think you need to do, however, is try not to write a poem because it sounds good.

Hope I helped!

~Amy

Hey, I thought I'd just hop in and tell you that you made a little typo. "Dizzy" you put as "Dzizy". Also, why is "round and round" in italics? Anyway, like Amy say you've got great wording, and know how to put it together in a very nice way. I hope to read more from you .

I read it, and enjoyed the humor.

As for symbolism, I have not a clue =) It possesses a nature somewhat beyond my understanding, especially some of the parts about actors and screaming, and yet I loved it. Nearly everything gave me a vivid picture to follow.