chapter three, rough draft.

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1609
Reviews 602
deleted
Last edited by Wolf on Sun Dec 26, 2010 11:19 pm, edited 2 times in total.
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


Would you like a review?
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic73903.html




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 117
Yo,
still bursts of very convincing style. At times a little over the top, like the house being empty like a seashell, but Ray Bradbury does that in every sentence and gets away with it completely, so who am I to complain.
The receptionist sequence brought up two thoughts in me: one - a little more bluffing in the start of the inquiery please, makes me feel unsafe that receptionists give info so easily hehe; two, the lovely sentence in which she writes the number on her forearm and thanks the receptionist, has a flowing rhythm, but to finish it appropriately, she should then hung up the phone. You know - if its a 'describe the elements of the situation' sentence - take it to the logical limit.
Good budding use of metaphores :D
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
Robert Howard



This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much all of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movement of small green pieces of paper, which was odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy