Golden Key

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This is a story about a few things, I couldn't quite choose a genre so I decided to go with the one that it was mostly made up of. Kick Ass adventure and thrilling action woot woot. :thud: So I hope you like it, please rate and review it is my first time and I really truly really trully would like to know how it's going! :lol:

The Golden Key

Chapter one: Twins

“Holy Gee did you see that girl and what she is wearing?” I stared out the window of the train not really taking in what Laurel; my best friend said. The dreary clouds ran across the dark grey sky, lighting forking down towards the grey rubble underneath the wearing out train tracks our small shabby cart had to go through. I could see my reflection in the mirror; my brown hair was placed into a high pony tail, my dark brown eyes stared back at me. Turning away from it stared at my hands rested on the pale green table.
“Hey you’ll never guess who asked me out tonight” I heard Laurel say in a dreamy tone “C’mon guess I bet you won’t get it. Now that I mention it are you coming to the spring fling hosted at Melanie’s house this ave?”
I felt the train lurch as it separated into a different set of track’s leading to Stratusburg. I sighed at Laurel trying not to seem like a complete idiot.
“Me have a date” I said plainly turning back towards the window, staring at ominous view outside.
“You know if you tried a little you could get someone. I mean c’mon you haven’t even been kissed yet.” Laurel scoffed slurping the last remains of her diet cola, her hair falling into her hazel eyes brimmed with black make up.
“Laurel I haven’t even been on a date”
“Exactly I can try and hook you up…”
“No! I told you I don’t want a boyfriend, I don’t need a boyfriend. It is only you and that new squad of yours that seems to think that dating someone is the most important thing in high school.” I muttered through gritted teeth my voice growing. Laurel went silent not bothering to bug me on the matter anymore. But I was telling the truth! At this age, I didn’t care at all about what clothes I wore, what kind of a party's I went out too or what type of guy I had following me around like a fly!
“Fine, do you know there are to hunks coming to our school. Melanie said she saw two twins being given a tour yesterday during third period!” I just nodded, it just went through one ear and out through the other with Laurel.
“They’re twins! Brotherly love, so cute!” She chirped, the chewing gum she popped in her mouth was losing it's colour, I stared away from it disgusted.
“Can we talk about something different like the excursion our history class is going on tomorrow. Aren’t you excited we get to see stuff that is probably older than my grandmother” I began to jump excitedly in my chair ignoring the strange look’s coming from people around us.
“I don’t like the idea of having to find an artifact and have to do an a thousand word report on it. And I definitely don’t want to go searching in caves to see rocks when you can just go to the jewelers, that's such a stale thing to do. In caves you get absolutely no sun shine what so ever. Some of us have to get a tan and fast you know Saffron.” Laurel sniggered staring into her school book bag for any sign of spare change. I stopped jumping my hands still up in the air.
“Do you have to be such a kill joy! I actually like the idea of finding rocks and the report isn’t that bad I have had worse.”
“I bet you have” she pulled out her phone to stare the screen mesmerizingly. I hung my head for the fifth time today “Why do you do that all the time” I pouted my lips bored. Sighing I stared out the window again, a small tree bent down dangerously low as winds and thick water beads pelted onto its hard surface. Grabbing at my pen in front of me I stared down at my class time table.
“History first with Mr. Black” I looked up at Laurel to see her make a face, she held a pink compact in her pale palm, rubbing lip gloss across her lips. I smirked at her, staring down at the book I hand in my lap, I dog eared the side as a book mark. Placing it into my book bag I stared at the front cover; a girl held a heavy looking sword above her head into the dark desolate sky.
“Marine of Dragonshire” I whispered the girl’s name to myself, her elven face looking forward. As if her eyes were boring into mine. I closed the flap of the book bag to stare at my hands.
"How much longer is this going to take?" I groaned dropping my head onto the table with a thud.
********************************
The dark black building towered into the clouds, sun rays seeped through the thick clouds framing the large black clock nailed above the school’s office. Stepping out of the dark blue bus, I felt Laurel push past me screaming in a high pitched tone. I jumped in fear as she began to run towards the black grated gates the point's shone as the sun ray's hit them.
“Mel, my small little baby” Laurel squealed flinging herself into a petite looking blonde girl’s arms. They both began to jump up and down squealing in high pitched tones, I smirked at the show. Placing my hands behind me back I began to walk towards the school, walking past Laurel I felt her eyes boring into my neck. Metal tables were scattered around the front of the school, students of all sizes sat at them laughing and talking loudly.
Biting in the insides of my lips, I felt my pony tail whip at my neck in the thick winds. Laurel was different to me in many way’s that was probably why we didn’t hang around as much. She liked boy’s more than anything else, she went on so many dates that I couldn’t keep count, she was invited to all the major parties and had every one trying to be her friend. Me I had other friends but they were just a small group, I had no guy’s that liked me, I never went to parties, I hadn’t ever been on a date or ever been kissed, hugged or touched by the opposite sex, and most importantly I cared much more for school work than guys.
Hanging my head slightly as I approached the yellow mustard stair’s leading into the middle of the school, I began to climb them my heart heavy. Laurel never had time for me anymore, I was often left alone at Lunch time to dwell in my imagination the only place I felt secure and happy. Smiling slightly to myself I began to run through the buildings trying not to turn into a blubbery mess. I heard the distant sound of the bell clanging against itself, stopping in my tracks I fell back onto my two feet. My life was so boring it was always the same thing wake up eat, get ready for school and watch TV, school, come home, study, make dinner, watch TV with family, shower, sleep. The same routine day in day out, never anything exciting happened to me.
Walking towards the main building I stopped in front of the stair’s staring up at the glass window covering the pale yellow wall. Dirt and dust covered every corner of the window making it hard to look out from. Walking up the stair’s I could hear voices as student’s began to advance towards their classes. I looked down as I stumbled up towards the second floor, staring at my dirt scuffed shoes I tried to see someone I knew. Dropping my bag down next to the port rack’s the dark green paint was slowly shedding, falling onto the timber floor underneath it.
“It’s good to see you Saffron, someone is nice an early today” I turned at the sound of my name, I saw Mr. Black walking towards me a plastic tray filled with papers and pen’s underneath his right arm the other held his leather wallet the sound of clinking money echoed in the hall’s.
“Yeah” I smiled trying to friendly, I blinked at him as he placed small chrome keys into the key hole underneath the steel door knob. “How was your day?” I asked
“Pretty good” he smiled at me as he opened the door, the smell of lime filled my nostrils making gag. Mr. Black laughed at my reaction as he walked towards the white desk. I could see more student’s coming towards my history class looking bored and tired. Grabbing at my book’s and pencil case I walked in sitting heavily at the back next to the thin window plane.
“Hello” Mr. Black greeted other people as more of the students from history walked in laughing and smiling. Closing my eyes I rested my head on my desk trying not to seem totally spaced out. An image of me holding dual blades filled my head, I twisted and twirled kicking back opponents with grace and speed. I smiled slightly, I felt someone hit against my desk. Looking up suddenly I saw Tina sit down.
“Hey Saffron” She said cheerily, I gave her a smile waving my hand as best as I could.
“Not one for word’s today”
I shook my head, rocking back in my chair I laughed “No I am just joking how was your day?”
“Crap! Darren broke up with me” Darren was Tina’s Mr. Right we at least she liked to think so. I could see her eyes were red from tears, I frowned trying to sympathetic.
“I’m so sorry” I muttered, she shrugged slightly throwing me another smile that looked more forced than the last. I opened my book’s “Well at least you’ll get away for a few day’s”
She looked at me confused, her eyes than lit up as she realized what I was saying “The excursion yeah…I do want to go but then not really”
“Why not?” I asked, was I the only one that actually wanted to go on this thing. Wasn’t anyone else interested in museums, ancient caves and other sites that are well…awesome!
“Well I am going to miss my friend’s” She sighed sadly “But then I could meet someone nice down there, like a tour guide’s son” I stared at her smiling slightly I looked down at my book scribbling in the margin. “Or I might get more acquainted with the new twins!” I stopped drawing, I heard a cheery voice in the door way.
“Mr. Black we have new student’s!” I heard Laurel sing loudly, I looked up slowly my pencil dropping from my hands.
“It’s them, it’s them” Tina tapped my desk, I looked at her evenly in the eyes shaking my head.
“Welcome to Stratusburg Academy, you must Tyson and Thomas” I could hear gasp’s coming from girls scattered around the room. I felt my eyes lock with Laurel she was smiling at me, she stood on the other side of Melanie who was trying to act as mature as she could. My eyes skirted to who stood next them.
“Holy” I heard Tina mutter.

******************************************

If you liked this chapter please rate or review/comment! This will tell me you like them and than i'll place more up. It may sound a little boring now but trust me this is just the beginning!




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Hi, I'm going to give a quick content review and list any small grammar mistakes I find.

C’mon guess I bet you won’t get it./quote]
I think there should be a comma after guess.

Placing my hands behind me back I began to walk towards the school,

Me should be my

Me, I had other friends but they were just a small group

Just add a comma after Me

Tina’s Mr. Right well at least she liked to think so.

replace we with well


Basically I felt that the character's each provided a different aspect to the story which was quite good. It is always nice to have variety. The way you developed these characters throughout the chapter was spacious but still in formative. By this I mean that you didn't just thrust a load of information onto us; it was presented slowly throughout the story.

As for the plot I am currently only aware to some extent and I am assuming that it has something to do with the new twins. I will mention here that near the beginning I think you used the first person term "I" for both the two main characters. Also when you mentioned her daily routine I became slightly surprised because I had thought it was a boarding school or something of the like. My reason for thinking this is that at the beginning the girls are riding a train so that usually implies its to far to drive. Basically I am wondering if they go back to their own houses and parents everyday.

It is quite a good story and I enjoyed it very much. I am hoping you will post a new chapter up soon and you can guarantee I will take a look at it.

Hope I helped somewhat,

DayDreams
"If the king doesn't lead, how can he expect his subordinates to follow?"




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Daisy131Spoink wrote:This is a story about a few things, I couldn't quite choose a genre so I decided to go with the one that it was mostly made up of. Kick Ass adventure and thrilling action woot woot. :thud: So I hope you like it, please rate and review it is my first time and I really truly really trully would like to know how it's going! :lol:

The Golden Key

Chapter one: Twins

“Holy Gee did you see that girl and what she is wearing?” I stared out the window of the train not really taking in what Laurel; my best friendComma said. The dreary clouds ran across the dark grey sky, lighting forking down towards the grey rubble underneath the wearing out train tracks our small shabby cart had to go through. I could see my reflection in the mirrorWhere did the mirror come from? I thought she was looking out the window...; my brown hair was placed into a high pony tail, my dark brown eyes stared back at me. Turning away from it stared at my hands restedresting on the pale green table.
“Hey you’ll never guess who asked me out tonightcomma” I heard Laurel say in a dreamy toneperiod “C’mon guessperiod or exclamation point I bet you won’t get it. Now that I mention itcomma are you coming to the spring fling hosted at Melanie’s house this ave?”ave?
I felt the train lurch as it separated into a different set of track’s leading to Stratusburg.try to rephrase, sounds funny. I sighed at Laurelcomma trying not to seem like a complete idiot.
“Me have a datequestion mark” I said plainlycomma turning back towards the window, staring at ominous view outside.
“You know if you tried a little you could get someone. I mean c’mon you haven’t even been kissed yet.” Laurel scoffedcomma slurping the last remains of her diet cola, her hair falling into her hazel eyes brimmed with black make up.
“Laurel I haven’t even been on a dateperiod
“Exactlyexclamation point I can try and hook you up…”
“No! I told you I don’t want a boyfriend, I don’t need a boyfriend.Repetitive, change the last BF to one.[b][/b] It is abbreviate to it'sonly you and that new squad of yours that seems to think that dating someone is the most important thing in high school.” I muttered through gritted teethcomma my voice growing. Laurel went silentcomma not bothering to bug me on the matter anymore. But I was telling the truth! At this age, I didn’t care at all about what clothes I wore, what kind of a party's I went out too or what type of guy I had following me around like a fly!
“Fine, do you know there are totwo hunks coming to our school.question mark Melanie said she saw two twins being given a tour yesterday during third period!” I just nodded, it just went through one ear and out through the other with Laurel.
“They’re twins! Brotherly love, so cute!” She chirped, the chewing gum she popped in her mouth was losing it's colour, I stared away from it disgusted.
“Can we talk about something differentquestion mark like the excursion our history class is going on tomorrow. Aren’t you excited we get to see stuff that is probably older than my grandmotherperiod/exclamation mark” I began to jump excitedly in my chair commaignoring the strange look’s coming from people around us.
“I don’t like the idea of having to find an artifact and have to do an a thousand word report on it. And I definitely don’t want to go searching in caves to see rocks when you can just go to the jewelers, that's such a stale thing to do. In caves you get absolutely no sun shine what so ever. Some of us have to get a tan and fast you know commaSaffron.” Laurel sniggered staring into her school book bag for any sign of spare change. I stopped jumpingcomma my hands still up in the air.
“Do you have to be such a kill joy!question mark I actually like the idea of finding rockscomma and the report isn’t that bad commaI haveI've had worse.”
“I bet you have” she pulled out her phone to stare the screen mesmerizingly. I hung my head for the fifth time todayperiod “Why do you do that all the timequestion mark” I pouted my lips bored. Sighing I stared out the window again, a small tree bent down dangerously low as winds and thick water beads pelted onto its hard surface. Grabbing at my pen in front of me I stared down at my class time table.
“History first with Mr. Black” I looked up at Laurel to see her make a face, she held a pink compact in her pale palm, rubbing lip gloss across her lips. I smirked at her, staring down at the book I hand in my lap, I dog eared the sidecorner, not side. as a book mark. Placing it into my book bag I stared at the front cover; a girl held a heavy looking sword above her head into the dark desolate sky.
“Marine of Dragonshirecomma” I whispered the girl’s name to myself, her elven face looking forward. As if her eyes were boring into mine. I closed the flap of the book bag to stare at my hands.
"How much longer is this going to take?" I groanedcomma dropping my head onto the table with a thud.
********************************
The dark black building towered into the clouds, sun rays seeped through the thick clouds change one of the clouds, there's one too many.framing the large black clock nailed above the school’s office. Stepping out of the dark blue bus, I felt Laurel push past me screaming in a high pitched tone. I jumped in fear as she began to run towards the black grated gatesperiod the point's shone as the sun ray's hit them.
“Mel, my small little baby” Laurel squealed flinging herself into a petite looking blonde girl’s arms. They both began to jump up and down squealing in high pitched tones, end the sentence here.I smirked at the show. Placing my hands behind memy back I began to walk towards the school, walking past Laurel I felt her eyes boring into my neck. Metal tables were scattered around the front of the school, students of all sizes sat at them laughing and talking loudly.
Biting in the insides of my lips, I felt my pony tail whip at my neck in the thick winds. Laurel was different to me in many way’speriod that was probably why we didn’t hang around as much. She liked boy’s more than anything else, she went on so many dates that I couldn’t keep count, she was invited to all the major parties and had every one trying to be her friend. Mecomma or question mark I had other friends but they were just a small group, I had no guy’s that liked me, I never went to parties, I hadn’t ever been on a date or ever been kissed, hugged or touched by the opposite sex, and most importantly I cared much more for school work than guys.
Hanging my head slightly as I approached the yellow mustard stair’s leading into the middle of the school, I began to climb themcomma my heart heavy. Laurel never had time for me anymore,period I was often left alone at Lunch time to dwell in my imaginationcomma the only place I felt secure and happy.good description here! Smiling slightly to myself I began to run through the buildings trying not to turn into a blubbery mess. I thought she was smiling...I heard the distant sound of the bell clanging against itself, stopping in my tracks I fell back onto my two feet. My life was so boring it was always the same thingperiod wake upcomma eat, get ready for school and watch TV, school, come home, study, make dinner, watch TV with family, shower, sleep. The same routine day in day out, never anything exciting happened to me.last part doesn't make sense, try nothing exciting ever happened to me.
Walking towards the main building commaI stopped in front of the stair’s staring up at the glass window covering the pale yellow wall. Dirt and dust covered every corner of the window making it hard to look out from. Walking up the stair’s I could hear voices as student’s began to advance towards their classes. I looked down as I stumbled up towards the second floor, staring at my dirt scuffed shoes I tried to see someone I knew.you cant see anyone if you're looking at your shoes, can you? Dropping my bag down next to the port rack’scomma the dark green paint was slowly shedding, falling onto the timber floor underneath it.
“It’s good to see you Saffron, someone is nice and early today” I turned at the sound of my name, I saw Mr. Black walking towards mewith a plastic tray filled with papers and pen’s underneath his right armcomma the other held his leather wallet periodthe sound of clinking money echoed in the hall’s.
“Yeah” I smiled trying to friendly, I blinked at him as he placed small chrome keys into the key hole underneath the steel door knob. “How was your day?” I askedperiod
“Pretty goodcomma” he smiled at me as he opened the door, the smell of lime filled my nostrils making gag. Mr. Black laughed at my reaction as he walked towards the white desk. I could see more student’s coming towards my history class looking bored and tired. Grabbingif you grab at them, you dont actually grab them, just make an attempt to. at my book’s and pencil casecomma I walked in sitting heavily at the back next to the thin window plane.pane
“Hello” Mr. Black greeted other people as more of the students from history walked in laughing and smiling. Closing my eyes I rested my head on my desk trying not to seem totally spaced out. An image of me holding dual blades filled my head, I twisted and twirled kicking back opponents with grace and speed. I smiled slightly, I felt someone hit against my desk. Looking up suddenly commaI saw Tina sit down.
“Hey Saffron” She said cheerily, I gave her a smile waving my hand as best as I could.
“Not one for word’s todayperiod/question mark
I shook my head, rocking back in my chair I laughed “Nocomma I am I'mjust jokingperiod how was your day?” She keeps saying 'how was your day, but I thought it was the beginning of the day. Clarify a little?
“Crap! Darren broke up with me” Darren was Tina’s Mr. Rightcomma well at least she liked to think so. I could see her eyes were red from tears, I frowned trying to sympathetic.
“I’m so sorrycomma” I muttered, she shrugged slightly throwing me another smile that looked more forced than the last. I opened my book’s “Well at least you’ll get away for a few day’s”
She looked at me confused, her eyes than lit up as she realized what I was saying “The excursion yeah…I do want to gocomma but then not reallyperiod
“Why not?” I asked, was I the only one that actually wanted to go on this thingquestion mark. Wasn’t anyone else interested in museums, ancient caves and other sites that are well…awesome!
“Well I am going to miss my friend’s” She sighed sadly “But then I could meet someone nice down there, like a tour guide’s sonperiod” I stared at her smiling slightlyperiod I looked down at my book scribbling in the margin. “Or I might get more acquainted with the new twins!” I stopped drawing, I heard a cheery voice in the door way.
“Mr. Black we have new student’s!” I heard Laurel sing loudly, I looked up slowlycomma my pencil dropping from my hands.why is she surprised? She knew there were new kids.
“It’s them, it’s them” Tina tapped my desk, I looked at her evenly in the eyes shaking my head.
“Welcome to Stratusburg Academy, you mustbe Tyson and Thomas” I could hear gasp’s coming from girls scattered around the room. I felt my eyes lock with Laurelperiod she was smiling at me, she stood on the other side of Melaniecomma who was trying to act as mature as she could. My eyes skirted to who stood next them.
“Holycomma/dot, dot, dot” I heard Tina mutter.

******************************************

If you liked this chapter please rate or review/comment! This will tell me you like them and than i'll place more up. It may sound a little boring now but trust me this is just the beginning!
Good work so far, lots of little mistakes, but thats just me nitpicking. I look forward to reading on!
One day your prince will come... Mine? He took a wrong left turn, got lost, and is too stubburn to ask for directions.




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I really like it but some of it is a little hard to understand what your saying.






Horse
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