This Soul

Long ago this very soul
With held a story never told
Forever never knowing what this future holds
Because life in this world is forever cold
No one ever truly knows
How to fix this broken soul
No therapy, no talking, no love
can bring back or reconcile what can't be
Can no one reach into these shadows of mine
Which makes any abyss look sublime
Considering this case is only mine
For this soul of mine will not die
Because even a sparkle of light can
reach the depths of this heart of mine
Thats why I strive, why i push, why I
allow nothing to hold me back.
No feelings, no hatred, no thoughts or logic
Because not everything makes sense in this world
Even the right things sometimes makes no sense
But this soul of mine will strive
as long as my goals lay hollowed
like that of the deepest caves
I will continue no matter the pain
Or the suffer because it strengthens
The soul in ways you'd never believe
But at the same time it hurts, it cuts deeper
than any knife...
I wont stop, I can't, I mustn't, I won't allow myself
I must accomplish what i've set out to do even if I die
in the end it may be fated or not but I will never stop
trying never!!....

kurayami wrote:Long ago this very soul
Held a story never told Here, I've removed the word 'with' because I didn't think it fit well
Forever never knowing what this future holds
Because life in this world is forever cold
No one ever truly knows
How to fix this broken soul
No therapy, no talking, no love
can bring back or reconcile what can't be.
Can no one reach into these shadows of mine,
Which makes any abyss look sublime?
Considering this case is only mine
For this soul of mine will not die
Because even a sparkle of light can
reach the depths of this heart of mine
Thats why I strive, why I push, why I
allow nothing to hold me back--
No feelings, no hatred, no thoughts or logic,
Because not everything makes sense in this world.
Even the right things sometimes makes no sense
But this soul of mine will strive
as long as my goals lay hollowed
like that of the deepest caves
I will continue no matter the pain
Or the suffer because it strengthens
The soul in ways you'd never believe
But at the same time it hurts, it cuts deeper
than any knife...
I wont stop, I can't, I mustn't, I won't allow myself
I must accomplish what i've set out to do even if I die
in the end it may be fated or not but I will never stop
trying never!!....

Good job here. I didn't quite understand it, but loved the gist of it. And you see I've had few critiques. If you need a review again, just PM me.
Tata!
-Mizzle

Hi there.

I'm going to make this short and sweet, you don't have to take anything I say into account as I'm nearly incoherent from lack of sleep and in a nasty mood xD

Brace yourself:

#1 the rhyme: Annoying and overused. I have a deep personal disliking for rhyme in general but this one is the typical 'ine' 'old' grouping. Rawr! I usually like to trash rhyme and go for free verse where your possibilities aren't so limited, but that's a personal matter.

#2 Angst: It's oozing from the very core of this poem.

No one ever truly knows
How to fix this broken soul
No therapy, no talking, no love
can bring back or reconcile what can't be
Can no one reach into these shadows of mine

That's the teenage 'oh no one cares/understands me thing. Poems don't have to express sadness. On the contrary, I find it extremely irritating when the poems scream 'Feel bad for me. I'm misunderstood.'
Find a medium that isn't so overused, or look at this medium from a new perspective or you'll never improve.

once again: I'm in a bad mood and in no state to review, so take this with a grain of salt.
Keep practicing and all my best wishes.

Kamas

Hey there!

Now, while I do agree with Kammie that some of this poem is pretty angsty, I do like the way you've brought it back in the end by saying that you'll keep on fighting. So, although I think you should really veer away from anything remotely sounding like angst, you did a good job with that.

Your rhyme scheme is patchy, it doesn't often fit. If I were you I'd scrap it. Or, as the case may be, you could go on http://www.rhymezone.com and look up some awesome rhymes that will help you!

But yes, that was a good job. You need to check out for tiny typos (capitalize) but you'll catch those if you read it through.

Hope I helped!

~Amy