Rain and Ocean

In my world within it forever rains
Dreary and broke hearted
Thrown into constant dissent
Rage quakes the earth beneath me
Strong and chained and hidden
Yelling pleading and agony for its release

As I walk and pass people by in their
perfect little world and that impeccable smile
I am jealous beyond belief
I've carried this burden for years
Being submerged but and yet sent apart...

Like being caught in the moment but still so how separated
Pain radiating off my body unto the masses like nuclear fallout
I feel pain and people stand to help me
But I shrug them away saying "Its mine to carry."
Not allowing those I love to become close
But at the same time afraid to lose everyone, every bond

It rains in this world of mine
Not a soft peaceful rain but
But like a flood gate has been opened
...And I'm drowning

Now matter how strong I've made myself I'm drowning
No matter of all the things I've learned and accomplished...
I'm still drowning?
Why can't I stand?
Why does my foot slip now? After all these years?

Even though a smile is on my face
My eyes hid the true story of the rain
It rains here some much not even the Atlantic or Pacific can match it.
How could I've let this go on?

To have left my heart fall so deep into the shadows?
To allow my angry to rule and shake my world?
I am... I am so tired I just wish to rest at the bottom and let
the weight consume me.

But I know that is foolish I know what happens next
I have to fight, resist, struggle!!
Its time I rechannelled these energies
And Conquer the rain and master the tides
of this great sea.

I see so much of my folly now. My eyes are open.
Even as my vision fades I see clearly.
Clearer than I've ever have.
I won't let go! Not without an all out fight!!

I won't die! Because my strength is all around me
in the forms of my family and friends!
I love across the great vastness of the blue waters and I see land
I shatter the weight with these fist of mine and I step forward.
Swimming faster than any Michael Phelps.

I rule this see. I burst above the waves and I command the rain.
The storm quiets for a time because I know it is never truly over but stayed
for the moment but that is fine. It allows me to grow strong and fight
harder than I've ever had before!!!

This is really good i love it hope to see more posts really soon thank you for writing





cookie

Okeydokes. I'm here to review, let's begin.

kurayami wrote:In my world within it forever rains, Here I would remove 'within'
Dreary and broken hearted
Thrown into constant dissent,
Rage quakes the earth beneath me,
Strong and chained and hidden,
Yelling, pleading and agonizing for its release. Agonizing, not agony.

As I walk I pass people by in their
perfect little world and that impeccable smile--
I am jealous beyond belief;
I've carried this burden for years
Being submerged but and yet sent apart...

Like being caught in the moment, but still so separated
Pain radiating off my body onto the masses like nuclear fallout
I feel pain and people stand to help me
But I shrug them away saying "Its mine to carry."
Not allowing those I love to become close
But at the same time afraid to lose everyone, every bond

It rains in this world of mine
Not a soft peaceful rain,
But like a flood gate has been opened
...And I'm drowning

Now matter how strong I've made myself, I'm drowning
No matter all the things I've learned and accomplished,
I'm still drowning.
Why can't I stand?
Why does my foot slip now? After all these years?

Even though a smile is on my face
My eyes hide the true story of the rain
It rains here some much not even the Atlantic or Pacific can match it.
How could I've let this go on?

To have left my heart fall so deep into the shadows?
To allow my anger to rule and shake my world?
I am so tired, my singal wish to rest at the bottom and let
the weight consume me.

But I know that is foolish, I know what happens next
I have to fight, resist, struggle!
Its time I rechannelled these energies
And Conquer the rain and master the tides
of this great sea.

I see so much of my folly now, my eyes are open.
Even as my vision fades I see clearly,
Clearer than I ever have.
I won't let go! Not without an all out fight!!

I won't die! Because my strength is all around me
in the forms of my family and friends!
I love across the great vastness of the blue waters and I see land
I shatter the weight with these fist of mine and I step forward.
Swimming faster than any Michael Phelps.

I rule this sea, I burst above the waves and I command the rain.
The storm quiets for a time, yet I know it is never truly over, only detained
for the moment but that is fine. It allows me to grow strong and fight
harder than I've ever had before!

Okay. I've done some small edits in here, you see. Very subtle. I have to say this had a good rhythm to it, but it died. D: Remember poetry needs grammar and punctuation as well, and the way you break the lines is very important. I never really understood this, but I did like the whole idea.
Tata,
Mizzle

Hey there!

Well, my first impression was that you were veering slightly on the way to angsty and self pitying here, but it's not a full blown emo poem so I can deal with it.

The flow was ... meh. It began ok, but this poem has the tendency to slip into what basically seems like prose with line breaks. Trust me, you really don't want that. In order for you to whack this poem on track, I would suggest jazzing up the sentence structures a bit. Maybe fiddle around with how you order your words, that will make it sound and possibly flow a lot better. Although don't go in the opposite direction and make it all jerky and stumbly when you read it over! Just read your poem out loud and you'll get what I mean.

My problem with your imagery here is that it's not too subtle some of the time. You describe things, but they're very straight forward and therefore don't sound as poetic as you might like them too. Try obscuring everything slightly so it's a little more abstract and poetic.

But, yeah. I'd basically say that you should make this poem more poetic. And brush up on your punctuation. Punctuation is good, remember that!

Hope I helped!

~Amy