The Spirit Chasers ~ Chapter One

This is the first chapter of a new story I'm working on so I'm sorry if it's not very good If people like it, the second part will be going up soon

I have edited this using all the tips from the comments people left and I did try hard at making it better If theres anything I've missed just tell me



I’d been able to see things as a kid, things other people couldn’t. My Grandad had said that it was common for kids my age. He kept me sane, but when he died, I became terrified of the dark. That’s when the shapes would loom in closer and closer…
I did eventually grow out of it. My Grandad was right about that. But that didn’t stop my fear of darkness. Even though I couldn’t see anything anymore, my imagination liked to play tricks on me.
Anyway, my story starts on one fateful autumn morning. The day began normally, so why would I expect anything to be different?
Mum drove me to school, much to my disappointment. I wanted to walk. It was the kind of day I well and truly loved. The air was crisp and fresh, everything made glittery by the frost…
On the way to school, I leaned my head out the window and breathed in the fresh autumn air. The icy breeze nipped my cheeks and I was glad that I hadn’t put any blusher on today.
As always, there was a large group clogging the main doors of the school. And I was part of that group, but not by choice. One of the popular girls seen me wearing designer jeans one day and had told her friends. Now here I am. One of The Populars.
The fact that my family had a lot of money made The Populars want me in their group. Just so they can say they’re friends with a person richer than them. But unlike my “friends”, I didn’t flaunt the fact.
‘Kat! Did you hear?!’ Selina bounded up to me, blond curls quivering, ‘Josh is gonna ask you to the Winter Dance because he’s so into you!’ I nodded meekly and tied my dark blonde hair up into a loose ponytail as the girls jumped and squealed for me. Who cares if Josh “likes” me? He’s an arrogant jerk.
Leader of the It-Crowd boys, every girl he looks at is left swooning after him. Maybe it was how bright his green eyes glowed when he was laughing, I don't know. I hate how he picks on people less fortunate than him because he thinks it’s funny.
I found the rumours of him liking me to be true when he caught me outside of my locker before first bell.
He strutted up to me like he was superior. 'Hey Kat. I was wondering if you’d like to go to the Winter Dance with me?’ a few girls who had over heard stopped and glared at me.
‘Um.. I’m very flattered. But I’m not sure if I’m even going to the dance yet.’ I replied coolly. He blinked, then ran a hand through his tousled black hair with a grin.
‘Okay, well how about we go out tonight? Catch a movie or something?’
I slammed my locker shut. ‘Josh, I’m not ready for a relationship at the moment.’
‘Okay, well let me know when you are.’ He winked and walked away. I watched a couple of girls stare after him longingly. I shook my head and headed off to my first period class.

Our History teacher was weird. She took random mood swings that left you walking on eggshells around her. It was exhausting trying to keep up with it all. Today, she was in a bad mood.
‘Right. You have a project to do. You’ll be working in twos.’ she barked. Everyone began calling out to their friends, arranging partners.
‘Quiet! I have the pairs already set out for you. Listen up, I’m only saying this once. Rachel and Bradley, Amy and Taylor, Kat and Jeff….’
I stopped listening after she said my name. Me and Jeff. I looked over at him. All my friends thought he was a freak. He was part of the uncool gang. I’d never really spoken to him, just gotten the message from everyone to stay away from him and his friends, even though a member of his group sometimes hung out with us Populars. Jeff caught me looking and smiled. I averted my gaze from his.
‘Get into your pairs then!’ Miss Tremont yelled. The whole class started bustling around, moving seats. Josh brushed by me and said, ‘I feel sorry for you. Stuck with Freakboy over there.’
I pretended I didn't hear him as I gathered my books and moved to the empty seat next to Jeff. I wonder what they’d say to me at break? I don’t care. See, I wasn’t as happy as I should’ve been with my position in the A-Listers.
‘Hey. I don't think we've spoken before. I'm Jeff.’ He broke the ice after about five minutes of silence.
‘I'm Kat and no, I don't think we have.’ The words had barely escaped my mouth when I caught a piece of paper that had came flying from Josh's direction. I unravelled it:

Poor You! Try talk to him as little as possible. He might go away! Lol x

Unfortunately, Jeff saw the note.
‘Sorry,’ I whispered.
‘That’s okay. I don’t care what they say about me. It’s their loss if they don’t want to be my friend,’ he shrugged. I stared at him in awe. How was he unpopular? He had an amazing attitude.
Miss Tremont suddenly hit a ruler off the desk, demanding silence.
‘This project is to be about World War One.’ she snapped.
‘Woo!’ Jeff cheered sarcastically. My lips twitched at the corners. As she began rambling about what was required to get a good grade, Jeff turned to me.
‘Well this is gonna be bundles of fun.’ he whispered, ‘Look, I’m sorry if your friends give you a hard time about speaking to me.'
‘It’s fine!’ I laughed. ‘Don’t worry about it.'
‘Don’t apologise. I'm used to it.’ He grinned and there was something infectious about that grin that made me smile back. Carrie, who was sitting behind me, prodded my arm and hissed, ‘What are you doing? Laughing with Freakboy?’
Jeff turned to face her, ‘If you’re hoping to insult me, you’ll have to use a bit more creativity. Freakboy? That’s real original.’
Carrie was speechless. Nobody had ever stood up to her before. The Populars were used to insulting people without getting abuse back.
By the end of the lesson, I was beginning to be happy that Jeff was my partner. He was funny.
Josh came up to me at the end of the lesson‘Kat, I’ll walk with you to Art.’
‘See you in Art, Kat.’ Jeff gave Josh a cold look.
I raised my eyebrows in surprise. ‘I didn’t know you were in my Art class.’
‘Yeah, he’s the loner that sits at the back away from everyone.’ Josh sneered.
‘I’d rather be a loner than a self-obsessed mummy’s boy.’ Jeff breezed out the room. Like Carrie, Josh was speechless. He just mumbled something after Jeff was long gone.
When I got into the Art studio, I scanned the room for Jeff and sure enough, there he was, up at the very back, setting out his paint pots away from everyone else. Even though we weren't properly friends yet, I felt sorry for him so I collected my things and went to sit in the space next to him.
Once the class started, I leaned over and nudged him with my paintbrush.
He looked startled, ‘Oh! Hey, Kat! Aren’t you sitting with your friends?’ he nodded towards Josh, Caitlin and Adam.
‘I wanted to sit here today. You looked lonely.’
‘I don’t mind my own company.’ he shrugged and began painting. We worked in a kind of awkward silence for about half an hour before I glanced over at his work, looking for something to make conversation about. I felt my jaw dropping. He noticed and smiled.
‘Do you like it?’ he asked.
‘It’s amazing!’ I laughed. It was a self portrait of himself and it was brilliant. He had done it cartoon style, but it managed to catch the twinkle in his blue eyes and the funkiness of his hair. It was light brown, but it had streaks of black and red through it. Normally, I would have scoffed, but he seemed to make it work.
Josh appeared behind Jeff and watched him paint for a minute. ‘I wouldn’t call it amazing.’. When he left, he banged Jeff’s arm, causing a messy, blobby streak to run across the picture.
‘Oops. Hope I didn’t ruin it.’ Josh snickered and returned to his seat. Jeff didn’t seem at all phased by it. He just calmly got another piece of paper and started again.
‘What a jerk!’ I exclaimed, ‘Will you be able to do that again?’
‘Yeah. I’m really into drawing stuff like that. It’s cool. Well, you might think it’s dorky.’
‘I don’t. I think it’s great that you’re able to draw like that.’ I paused, ‘Can you draw one for me?’
His head snapped up and he blinked a few times, as though wondering whether or not he had heard right, ‘Are you serious?’
‘Totally. One hundred percent.’ I nodded.
‘Cool. I’ll try and do it as soon as I can.’ he flashed me a dazzling smile and that’s when I realised he was actually really beautiful.
For the rest of Art, I spoke to Jeff about the cartoons he draws. I felt like I was on the way to being pretty good friends with him. I glanced out the corner of my eye and saw The Populars giving me disgusted glares.
I got hell at break. My lecture carried on into lunch until I finally gave up my reign of silence.
‘Why do you guys hate him so much anyway?’ I asked, loud enough to turn a few heads.
‘Kat, the guy’s a freak. Have you seen his hair? And those stupid cartoons he draws?’ Josh explained.
‘I happen to like those cartoons!’ I argued hotly, though I never mentioned that he was drawing me one, ‘And there’s nothing wrong with his hair!’
Carrie rushed up to me and pressed a hand to my forehead, ‘Are you alright? You’re not coming down with a case of dork-itis are you?’
I swatted her hand away impatiently. Selina and Caitlin were whispering together. Their gazes kept flickering my way. I put my rubbish in the bin and turned to face the rest of The Populars.
‘I’m not coming down with anything!’ I tried to say it calmly, but I couldn’t stop acid seeping into my tone, ‘I don’t see why you bully someone just because they’re not scared to stand out and be themselves. It takes some guts not to change who you are when everyone else keeps telling you to.’
With those words, I turned on my heel and marched away. Since we were up the street for lunch, I headed back to school. I heard someone call my name and, thinking it was one of The Populars, I started running.
I thought the road was empty so I didn't slow down. Though the deep honk of a horn and the loud squeal of brakes made me stop in my tracks. I looked to my right and came face to face with the front of a lorry.

Oh no, not a lorry!

This was good. The prose was solid, though I did spot a couple iffy bits (which I outline below), and total cliffhanger at the end.

The problem I have with it is the characters (except for Jeff). Their personalities right now are little more than stereotypical "popular" people. Jeff is pretty cool though, and the characterization on him is spot-on.

Nitpicks:

I became petrified of the dark. That’s when the shapes would loom in closer and closer…

-Petrified is more of a word to describe current fear. I would use "terrified".

Anyway, my story starts on one fateful Autumn morning.

-Autumn should not be capitalized.

Good point:

The air was crisp and fresh, everything made glittery by the frost…

-I like the imagery you're using here, but everywhere else, there never is any description. I can never get a good idea of what the characters look like or what their surroundings are.

Hope I helped.

Hiya,
You say this is your first time posting? Well, it's pretty good for a beginning. I think it has a lot of promise. The begining could use a little work, but it still seemed interesting. Your writing, again, shows promise, and I think that you'll develope an exelent style over time.

I do think that your character, Kat, became friends with Jeff a little too quickly. I understand that she doesn't exactly fit in with her friends, but instant relationships are disasterously tricky to write well. If you want my opinion, draw it out a little. I do like the idea of him drawing a picture for her, though.

All in all, a good start.

Keep it up!
-Kelcia

Hey Kayla =]

Does the ATL in your username stand for All Time Low, because I love All Time Low, hence the display picture =D

Anyway, you have a good start to a story here, but I did notice some mistakes.

I’d been able to see things as a kid, things other people couldn’t. My Granda had said that it was common for kids my age. He kept me sane, but when he died, I became petrified of the dark. That’s when the shapes would loom in closer and closer…

Good hook you have here =] Also - do you mean 'Grandad' ?

It was so disappointing that I had to get a lift.

I'd get rid of this sentence as it doesn't really seem to add anything to the sentences before it.

As always, there was a large group clogging the main doors.

Maybe add 'of the school' to the end of this sentence just so the reader knows that Kat's definitely arrived at school.

One of the popular girls seen me wearing designer jeans one day, told the rest of her friends and here I was. The Populars.

Maybe try - 'One of the popular girls had spotted me wearing designer jeans one day and had told the rest of her friends and here I am. One of The Populars.'

The Winter Dance

'The' doesn't need to be capitalized.

sooo into you!

Instead of writing 'sooo' I would suggest putting it as '

so

'

outside my locker before first bell.

'outside of my locker before the first bell' would sound better.

‘Hey, Kat.’ he strutted up to me like he was a superior, ‘I was wondering if you’d like to go to the Winter Dance with me?’ a few girls who over heard stopped and glared at me.

I'd re-arrange this sentence to something like -
'He strutted up to me like he was superior. "Hey Kat. I was wondering if you'd like to go to the Winter Dance with me?" A few girls who had over heard stopped to glare at me.'

‘Josh, I’m not ready for a relationship at the moment.’ I slammed my locker shut.

I'd maybe think about switching these two sentences around so it reads -
'I slammed my locker shut. "Josh, I'm not ready for a relationship at the moment."

he winked and

'he' should be 'He'

She took random swings that left you

I think you mean mood swings.

all ready set out

'already'

I said nothing. Just took my books and moved to the empty seat next to Jeff.

Maybe try - 'I didn't reply as I gathered up my books and moved to the empty seat next to Jeff.'

I wonder what they’d say to me at break?

'they'd' should be 'they'll'

‘Hey. I’m Jeff. I don’t think we’ve spoken before.’ He broke the ice first.

Switch these two sentences around.

‘I’m Kat. No, I don’t think we have.’

Maybe try - '"I'm Kat and no, I don't think we have."'

I reflexively caught a piece of paper Josh threw at me.

This sentence seems to appear from nowhere so I'd maybe suggest adding a bit more to it. Try something like;
'I'd barely finished replying to Jeff when I caught a piece of paper that had come flying over from Josh's direction.'

Unfortunately, Jeff seen the note.

'seen' should be 'saw'

It’s their loss if they don’t want to be my friend.’ he shrugged.

Change the full stop to a comma.

Miss Tremont suddenly smacked a ruler off the desk, demanding silence.

The middle part of this sentence reads awkwardly. Maybe try -
'Miss Tremont suddenly hit a ruler against her desk, demanding silence.'

World War One.’ she grumbled.

I know the teacher's in a bad mood but I don't think 'grumbled' is the right word here. Maybe try 'she said crossly.' or something.

I laughed, ‘Don’t worry

Comma should be a full stop.

I was beginning to be happy that Jeff was my partner.

'be happy' sounds awkward. Try - 'I was beginning to like the fact that Jeff was my partner.'

‘Kat, I’ll walk with you to Art.’ Josh came up to me at the end of the lesson.

Switch these two sentences around.

‘I didn’t know you were in my Art class.’ I blinked at my new friend.

The last part sounds strange. Try - 'I raised my eyebrows at Jeff in surprise. "I didn't know you were in my art class."

that sits up the back

'at' would sound better than 'up'

I felt sorry for him so I went and occupied the space next to him.

Tey - 'I felt sorry for him so, after gathering my art supplies, I sat in the space next to him.'

and seen The Populars give me disgusted glares.

'seen' should be 'saw' and 'give' 'giving'

I argued hotly. I never told one that he was drawing me one,

Try - 'I argued hotly, though I didn't mention that I'd asked him to draw me one.'

I swatted her away impatiently.

her hand?

I heard footsteps behind me. I started running when that person called my name.

Try something like; 'I heard footsteps behind me and, thinking it was one of The Populars, I started running.' - Also, I'm confused as to who 'that person' is. Maybe explain, or will we find out in the next chapter?

I looked to my right and came face to face with the front of a lorry.

Great cliff hanger ending =]

So, overall.

It was quite well written but you do have a habit of putting commas and full stops in the wrong places when it comes to speech. For example;

‘Well this is gonna be bundles of fun.’ he whispered, ‘Look, I’m sorry if your friends give you a hard time about speaking to me. What I mean is.. You have a reputation to protect and I’m not helping.’

It should be written as -

'Well this is gonna be bundles of fun,' he whispered. 'Look, I'm sorry if your friends give you a hard time about speaking to me.'

It's just a case of getting them the wrong way round so it's easily fixed =]

As a tip though, I would suggest reading your work out loud so you can get a sense of how it reads. It's also a good way to spot mistakes and find parts that don't read quite right, for example;

‘I wouldn’t call it amazing.’ Josh appeared behind Jeff and watched him paint for a minute.

Try switching these sentences around so it reads;

'Josh appeared behind Jeff and watched him paint for a minute. "I wouldn't call it amazing."'

You sometimes switch tenses mid-sentence too, so I'd recommend checking out the writing resources folder on YWS as I'm sure they'll be a piece on tenses that you can read to help you keep to one tense.

So, I hope you find this review useful and I'll be keeping an eye out for chapter two =]

xDudettex

Yeah it does stand for All Time Low, xDudettex. They rock xD

Thanks for the tips everyone, I'll start editing now
And yeah, sorry if it's a bit scruffy I've never really payed much attention to tenses and stuff, so i'll work on that and see how it goes
xx