Lucky the Fortunate Mouse [Chapter 1]

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Peoples : I found this recently in my work I was cleaning out. This must have been written over 3 years ago... I didn't know I could write 1/10 decent stories at that age! (Had to check on google that I didn't just copy this story out of some book)

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Lucky was a sleeky pure-white mouse, and a very clever mouse too. He lived in a grand old house, with a beautiful view of the shimmering blue lake. The last family’s stay was ok. They paid the rent well, a small block of cheese a week, not bad. But this time it was different. This time it was his mother coming to stay in his house.

Lucky’s mother greeted him with a quick squeak and a tap of her tail. She rested lazily on the couch while Lucky got her a lump of cheese and a drink of fresh water. When his mother finished her snack she scrutinised him closely. “You’ve not grown much, and you are still too young to take care of this great big house all by yourself.” she simply said. Lucky felt angry and sad at the same time. Why wasn’t she proud that he lived alone for all these years? He got a fair payment from the renters too. But all he said was “Yes, I guess you’re right.” Suddenly she sat up straight in her seat, “Well, you could always come back to live with me…” she said, looking around at the gold patterns on the ceiling. “You’d be much better off.” And so that’s how Lucky went for his most quirky stay back at his mothers.




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I like it, it has quite a good start.
One thing I'd suggest is lengthening it a bit. After all, if it's a chapter, it should be at least 1,500 words, I think.
Second, all quotations have to have a line between them. For example:
“Yes, I guess you’re right.” Suddenly she sat up straight in her seat, “Well, you could always come back to live with me…” she said, looking around at the gold patterns on the ceiling.

Should be:
“Yes, I guess you’re right.” Suddenly she sat up straight in her seat.
“Well, you could always come back to live with me…” she said, looking around at the gold patterns on the ceiling.

Then, its a lot less confusing.
But, yeah. Make it a little longer, and I'd say that, yeah, it does look out of a book.
This guy is so evil you could put him in between two slices of bread and call him an evil sandwich.

Coming at you like a jetpack Shakespeare.

Hero's Reviews
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53905.html




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Yeah, it's more like a prologue kind of thingy-ma-jiggy..




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Deleted for Spam.
Last edited by Lava on Tue Sep 07, 2010 3:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: No spamming.
I'm not bad at ANYTHING... I'm bad at everything (but we can always pass that off as being very inexperienced, right?).
Know thee not, when sarcasm knocks at your door?
~_'the Qt
How random is this signature anyway.
I have two brothers. One's imaginary.
Yosh.I'd say I like you but then I'd be lying.




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Points 1040
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Deleted for spam.
Last edited by Lava on Tue Sep 07, 2010 3:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: No spam, please.
I'm not bad at ANYTHING... I'm bad at everything (but we can always pass that off as being very inexperienced, right?).
Know thee not, when sarcasm knocks at your door?
~_'the Qt
How random is this signature anyway.
I have two brothers. One's imaginary.
Yosh.I'd say I like you but then I'd be lying.




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 13
Deleted for Spam.
Last edited by Lava on Tue Sep 07, 2010 3:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: No spam, please.
I'm not bad at ANYTHING... I'm bad at everything (but we can always pass that off as being very inexperienced, right?).
Know thee not, when sarcasm knocks at your door?
~_'the Qt
How random is this signature anyway.
I have two brothers. One's imaginary.
Yosh.I'd say I like you but then I'd be lying.



who you become at your worst isn't who you are
— canopy