Sunshine (for the Awesome Choice Contest.)

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For the “Awesome Choice Contest.”

**Something that includes the words: hedgehog, arrow, narcissist, sunshine, magic, pine cone, pincushion, and DJ.

I feel like this may need more chapters.


Sunshine


The harvest moon cast a cadmium-colored light over the fields as she made her way through the rows of corn stalks. A book was under her arm, a keen blade in her belt, and a flame danced a bright jig atop the candle she held at eye level. She'd left her backpack at the inn; she usually carried it, but she didn't want anyone to identify her after she did her duty—or if she should fail. The inn was miles to the east, and if she were to go missing, nobody would go that far to look for an unknown, cloaked traveler; however, she was hoping to return and not be suspected in the least.

The luminescent eyes of a hedgehog met hers and they held her gaze for a few seconds, then faded back to the safety of their owner's burrow. The creature was clearly frightened of the cold, blue light the witch's eyes projected. She had slowed momentarily during her encounter with the animal, but she shook off the ominous feeling and recommenced taking strides so rapidly that her feet didn't touch the ground. She'd long lost the need of a broom for speed, but she could only hover about two feet from the ground without it.

After a thirty minute float across the field, she came to the edge. There was a barbed wire fence, waist-height. On the other side of the fence was tacked a sign reading “Private property. No trespassing.” The young-looking woman anchored her hands to one of the decaying wooden posts and vaulted over it. Scanning the forest entrance ahead, she picked out the perfect spot, the place in which she assumed he would be, and she mustered her courage. What she was about to do was unspeakable. It would have her condemned by her kind, by her family, and possibly by the world. 'By the gods,' she thought, a little choking sound making itself audible in her throat. 'They'll understand,' she convinced herself as she took the last step off the healthy, green grass and into the jumble of weeds, sticks, and dirt.

The man she hunted was an escaped felon who she'd seen in those woods before, hiding inside hollowed logs, eating berries and acorns, and bathing and drinking from a small stream. He'd nearly been caught a few times, but somehow, through trickery or gods-knew-what other means, he'd eluded the authorities.

The magician sat on a slab of slate and thumbed through the pages of her grimoire like a DJ looking for a record. She'd already checked for the sort of spell she wanted, but in vain. There was certainly nothing powerful enough to remotely ease the pain; there was no magic, dark, light, or otherwise, that could cure her despair, as much as she hoped there would be. She'd have to revert to more primal measures--measures that she knew would change her forever, perhaps destroy her. That in mind, she shut the book and deposited it into one of her large pockets in her cloak.

As she made her way toward the lightning-struck tree about three hundred yards ahead, she thought of the old man who, she somehow knew, would be there waiting for her. He had a wife once; he'd beaten and killed her, and made the life of their child miserable, at least until he was caught and locked away. The child, she heard, was a grown woman now, and she was fearful to let anyone too close to her. She was supposedly becoming a hermit. The witch couldn't let that happen.

She took particular care in avoiding stepping on the pine cones that littered the forest floor, in case the sound alerted her target to her presence. Straining her eyes, she was able to make out the shape of a bent human reclining on a small boulder. A fire glowed, and she smelled cooking meat. There was a dead deer, arrows stuck through it like a pincushion, lying near the fire. The man, narcissist that he was, took out a tiny, round pocket mirror and began to examine his wrinkled face.

The girl stepped into his camp, surprised that he hadn't seen the candle moving toward him. She set the candle on a stump and removed her hood. Finally he noticed her.

“Well, if it isn't my dearest Sunshine,” he chuckled, not quite unaware of the danger he was in, but certainly underestimating the tall lady before him.

She took a deep breath in an attempt to quell the surge of memories. “You know,” she said softly, “I never did heal after what you did to Mother and me.” Without further ado, she whipped the dagger free from her belt and plunged it into his chest, twisting the blade, breaking ribs. She couldn't afford to stall, or else she may not have been able to complete her task.

He regarded her with surprise written across his features; how he could feel any emotion after what he'd done was beyond her. So how could he feel surprise at something he should have known was coming?

Her old lover, Finn, had been correct in telling her that there was no spell for this. The sweetest revenge would be to kill him like he'd dispatched her mother and obliterated her soul.

However, she realized that tears streamed down her cheeks as she withdrew the knife and slit his throat for good measure. Surely it had to be because she was horrified at herself. When she saw what happened to her mom, she swore in the names of the gods that she would never do such a thing, and now she slumped against the tree trunk, bloody knife in hand, sobbing. She'd broken a promise. And for what? It wasn't as if he would ever come after her. No, that would have been risking too much.

She suddenly heard a voice: “Hello? I heard someone scream! Are you okay?” She hadn't realized she'd screamed.

Panicking, she whipped around and disappeared deeper into the forest, once again hovering over the ground. She didn't look back in fear of her face being seen. She did look up, though, noticing how the branches of the trees stretched high into the air as if asking for forgiveness. How dare they mock her in that way?

Everything seemed to be spinning as she collapsed, only to see the bright figure of Finn standing over her.

“You've done well,” he smiled, holding out a hand.

“It was a trap,” she whispered to herself.

“Of course it was, dearest Sunshine. We'll never be redeemed.”
We've got deep-fried water bears and horse wigs!

If you're slapped in Guam, you're slapped in real life. --chibibo

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Vanadis,

This is pretty good. It really is. You have a really mysterious story, a couple of cool characters, and a great plot. It’s all there, but not all of it is. You need more, my friend! I’m really excited to critique this story because I know that you definitely have skill as a writer, and I’m only telling you these things because I know you’ll take my challenge and make this writing soar.

Characters are what drive the story. You may think that you do, as a writer, but you’re wrong. The characters are the people we’re interested in; they’re the ones we want to get to know on a first name basis. We want to feel their sorrow, feel their pain. Readers crave for stuff like that. It’s your job, as an author, to help us feel that pain. It’s so incredibly easy as the writer to get attached to your characters. I don’t know if you feel this way or not, because this was such a short piece, but writers generally feel for their characters. That’s great. Now the readers want to feel it too.

Dialog is such an important feature in writing. Without it, we’d be reading a silent movie. As incredibly dull as that sounds to write, it’s even more dull to read. The dialog here is not what it can be. Right now it’s barely existent. You need more. You need more thoughts, you need more quotes. You need personality. Every character is a person whether you like it or not. When they speak, they must be their own person. Right now, they all sound similar. They don’t have anything that sticks out about them.

Action is something that you also need a bit more practice on. And it’s fine, also. Don’t feel downhearted because I’m such a scary reviewer. I don’t mean to be at all. I just want to help you. J Anyway, action. The climax of this story is where she kills the father. That’s great. But it was probably the most boring death I’ve ever read of. Place yourself in the main character’s shoes! You say she’s sobbing, yet I don’t feel like sobbing with her. I don’t have any attachment to her, and thus when you write your action sequence, I don’t get any emotion. At all. Action is all about movement and emotions and all that good stuff. Work it out. Explain IN DETAIL what’s going on. What’s racing through her head? What kind of anger is she feeling? These things are very important.

You have a great start to an amazing short story. I realize this is just for a contest, but I know that if you’ll take my challenge and add onto this with the couple of pointers I mentioned up there, this story will become something else. So, basically, to wrap things up, there were three features that you need to be concerned with.

- Characters
- Dialog
- Action

Keep writing, and always do your best.

-Jared
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Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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** just a note/warning, i'm not exactly a grade-a editor so i hope you don't quote me on any of this, but i really enjoyed your story and wanted to be of some help haha so, here you go!:

The inn was miles to the east, and if she were to go missing, nobody would go that far to look for an unknown, cloaked traveller…

I thought ‘cloaked’ was a bit extraneous and can be edited out.

The luminescent eyes of a hedgehog met hers; they held her gaze for a few seconds then faded back to the safety of their owner's burrow.

I felt like there was an ambiguity to what ‘they’ refers to so I added a semi-colon in there. Also, I took the liberty to rephrase the italicized section here because ‘faded’ didn’t really match-up with ‘safety’: “…faded back into the blackness of…” or something like that. You’re not obligated to change it to this of course it’s your story haha but it’s just an edit I’d make, personally.

After a thirty minute float across the field, she came to the edge.
Is ‘the edge’ some sort of moniker for the area? If it is, I think it best you capitalize the E. I wasn’t sure if that was the case or you just forgot to complete the sentence xD

Scanning the forest entrance ahead, she picked out the perfect spot, the place in which she assumed he would be, and she mustered her courage.

i'm not 100% sure about this - not even 50% to be honest haha - but i would put a dash between 'spot' and 'the place' and 'would be' and 'and she'. the fact that the place is 'perfect' because this guy would be there is worth emphasizing i think with dashes.

The man she hunted was an escaped felon who she'd seen in those woods before, hiding inside hollowed logs, eating berries and acorns, and bathing and drinking from a small stream.

i'd either put a dash after 'woods before' because the following is a list of details or i'd put a period after 'woods before' and rephrase it to "He hid inside hollowed logs, ate berries etc. etc." also i believe the main character's already in said woods? i think then 'those' should be replaced with 'these' (in "those woods before").

there was no magic, dark, light, or otherwise, that could cure her despair, as much as she hoped there would be.

in this instance i would definately use dashes and make it "there was no magic- dark, light, or otherwise- that could..."

As she made her way toward the lightning-struck tree about three hundred yards ahead, she thought of the old man who, she somehow knew, would be there waiting for her.

again i'm not entirely sure but i'd edit out the commas before and after "she somehow knew".

The man, narcissist that he was, took out a tiny, round pocket mirror and began to examine his wrinkled face.

haha maybe i just like using dashes but i'd put them in to seperate "the man", "narcissist that he was" and "took outa tiny..."

---

this is very, very good! i love the imagery that you used. i really enjoyed reading this, as you can see, because this is the first real critique i've given someone haha. i have to say though that i was a bit disappointed when it came to the climax and ending. the dialogue and characters too could be a bit more developed (even in short stories characters can't be flat!). the part where the main character stabbed her father in the chest was really abrupt and left me like "what?! that's it?!" - no final words uttered, no real action leading up to the stabbing, and, in the end, i didn't feel a sense of satisfaction or closure as the reader :/

but!, all in all, you did an excellent job and, like i've already said, i enjoyed reading this (:

happy writing!
xox julia
"we two alone will sing like birds in the cage… so we'll live, and pray, and sing, and tell old tales, and laugh at gilded butterflies"

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>.< Thanks for the reviews; I'm totally killing this and re-writing, so I'll keep you guys' comments in mind.

Yeah, the "edge" thing, though...It's not a zone. It's the edge of the field. But I already said field, so it would be redundant. Arg...I'll try to fix that somehow.
We've got deep-fried water bears and horse wigs!

If you're slapped in Guam, you're slapped in real life. --chibibo

Need someone to review your novel? Why don't you try checking here? Buddy up!

Last time I checked, love had no gender.



"I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy..."
— Unnamed Girl from "Mean Girls"