The Last Storm (3)

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I just wanted to point out that I have no idea how to add parenthesis into a story, and if someone could help me out with that (you'll see it in the story) then I'd love you forever.


I followed him out of my neighborhood and around to the old shopping district. It wasn’t big; a few clothing stores and maybe two restaurants. But, it was always busy.
However, now, we walked down the middle of the street, twisting in zigzag formations, avoiding stumbling over wood piles or any other items that hinted that there were buildings. In fact, the only colors around were the broken glass of street lights. The storm had even cast a permanent gray shadow over the sky, and left the wind odorless. There were no people, and I was even beginning to believe there weren’t ever any.
I stopped for a moment when I passed a shining piece of glass. I didn’t even recognize the girl before me. The terrifying winds were blowing my dark hair over my dirty face, which had actually become so dark that my blue eyes stood out more. And for once I saw my face without make up. I was surprised that I didn’t look so bad without my black eyeliner and caked-on powder foundation. And, my nose didn’t seem to fit me well anymore. It being so calm and straight clashed with the uneasiness of my puffy eyes.
And then I looked forward at the boy; I had not yet learned his name. He looked fine, except for the torn clothing and peeling hands. I watched his uneasiness as he walked, and could have sworn a tiny point stuck out of his pocket with each stride he took.
I looked around, but there was nothing to see. It looked like every part of the town. The storm had destroyed everything.
The storm. The last storm of my old life, the last storm of many lives. It had come so quickly. One moment I had been watching my family laugh with each other for what had seemed like the first time in our short lives, and the next my house was crashing on top of them. I wondered why my life was spared. I was no different or more important than my family. So, why did I, unsheltered and vulnerable, live while my family, hidden and safely buried, perished?
“Hey,” the boy lifted up my chin that I had subconsciously dropped to the ground. “Cheer up, okay? Things can’t get much worse.”
I scrunched my face at him, “I just lost my family.”
He shrugged, “So did I.” He looked around as we ducked beneath what looked like a small shelter, obviously built by his incapable hands. The dark wood roof was falling in, and the walls were made of what looked like damp bed sheets. He sat down on a small cushion and tapped it, letting me know I could sit with him. “But, we are alive. And, there’s no way to turn back the past.” He started piling small pieces of dry wood, which were rare at that time, into a metal bowl. He then pulled out a box of matches, (I never found out where he got those) and lit the wood. The warm from the fire brightened me up. I hadn’t realized how cold I was. “And, we have each other,- uh.”
“Mary. My name is Mary.” I watched as he opened a can of beans and held them over the fire to warm up.
He smiled, “I’m Joe Pierce.”


How I became so comfortable with that boy so quickly was a mystery. After all, I was the queen of hatred and negativity. It took me three years to even call my best friend a friend. It took me five years for my sister to grow on me. I didn’t even like my parents all that much. But there was something about how he was the only one around. How he had food, and something of a shelter. And, I suppose how I had no one else.
“Where did you live? You know, before the storm?” I scooped out more refried beans with my fingers. Then, I handed the can back to him. Food tasted so good, even just a few fingers full of beans. Apparently, at least from what Joe said, I had been unconscious for three days after the storm. I had hit my head bad, but he had stopped the bleeding soon enough for me to recover. I sort of owed him my life.
“I just moved here from Seattle.” He looked down at his feet as he took another bite.
“What?” I sensed he was hiding something.
“It’s just, I came here on a whim, you know? My mother lives here, but I used to live with my father. I had no reason to come down, I just did. And now that I met you, well. I just feel like I’m important in a way.” He stared at me, “Don’t you feel it, too?”
I shook my head. I wish I would have figured it out as soon as he did. “No. I have been wondering why I lived instead of my family, but I’m not special.” He started to giggle, “What?”
“Nothing. I can just tell you’re a very negative person.”
“We just met, how are you making these assumptions?”
He lay down on his side and closed his eyes. I hadn’t noticed that it was getting dark. “I can just tell, Mary.”


“Shh, be quiet, they’re sleeping!”
“We will just wait here till they wake up…”
“No, then we will scare them! They’ll think we’re evil!”
“Well, what do you think we should do then?”
“I don’t know.”
Little voices were surrounding my dreams. But, after listening to their bickering, I realized I was awake. After all, at that point, there weren’t dreams anymore.
“Who’s there?” I sat up. If there were lights, I would be able to see them. If the moon and stars were showing, I might have a view of them. But, there was no more electricity, and the moon and stars were covered up by a thick layer of clouds whose rain didn’t seem to want to fall.
I heard a small slap, “Now you woke her up!”
I shook Joe who had been sleeping beside me.
“What?” He groaned.
“There’s someone here.” I whispered in his ear.
I felt him jolt up immediately, but he made no sound. I also heard something slide out of his pocket.
“Ahh!” A tiny voice screamed. It was a girl, a young girl.
“Joe! Stop!” I lunged myself forward but only hit the cloth wall of the shelter. And then I was alone outside.
“Mary! Where are you?”
“Over here.” I heard him walk up to me.
“You alright?” He picked me up and led me back to the tent.
“Yeah, where are the kids?”
“Kids?”
“Yes, the voices, they were children’s voices. Couldn’t you tell?”
“I guess not.”
I felt a slight tug on my shirt. I whipped around, my hair hitting Joe.
I reached towards the tug and felt two little heads with wet hair.
“I’m sorry for scaring you.” A little girl’s voice whispered.
Another slap, “Don’t apologize.” A boy’s voice said. He sounded none too much older than her, though, but for some reason I was still afraid of what he could do.
“Sorry.”
“I said no-“
“What are you kids doing?” It was a question that used to be casual and easy to answer. But, ever since the storm, no one knew what they were doing.
“We are all alone…” A girl’s voice trailed off.
“We are tired and hungry, and don’t want to be alone.” The boy said. I heard two hands rub against each other, and it wasn’t mine or Joe’s.
Joe and I didn’t say anything. More people with us make it harder to survive, but I wasn’t about to leave them alone. He didn’t take it as easily as I did.
“And that’s our problem?”
“Joe,” I looked at him even though he couldn’t see me. “I think we should help them.”
He didn’t say anything, so the little boy spoke. “We have some valuable information that you may need.”
“Like what?”
“We will tell you in the morning.” I heard the boy lay down, and the girl following.
“What are your names?” I asked politely as I laid down myself.
“Zach,” said the little boy. “And this is my sister Abigail”


I'm so happy you guys hadn't figured out the basis of the story yet. If you do have any idea, please PM me.




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Hello, Classy. I didn't find any major errors and yes I don't the basis of the story yet. But that can be a good or bad thing. Readers can get bored or uninterested without a hint of the plot, but that's my opinion. You had the five senses which is good.
PM me for the next chapter, please!
I follow four rules when writing
1. Don't think. Just write.
2.Never take the pencil from the page when writing
3.Don't erase. Even if what you wrote didn't make sense
4.No need for grammar,punctuation, or spelling when writing

And when your done writing you stop and break all the rules




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This is getting better. Thank you for explaining your characters further and not just getting on with the story. Well, actually, you did both here. You had some action and some explaining, which is always good.
Love to read more. Hope you post more soon. :D
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:smt027 My cheese, chicka, you're really talented. I had a brother screaming at me while I read this and I still understood what was going on. I didn't really find anything wrong with it, either, but I'll try to pick out what I can.

captain.classy wrote:I just wanted to point out that I have no idea how to add parenthesis into a story, and if someone could help me out with that (you'll see it in the story) then I'd love you forever.

What did you mean by this? Parentheses? I didn't see anything wrong...

captain.classy wrote:He then pulled out a box of matches, (I never found out where he got those) and lit the wood.

is this it? You fit them in fine, it was very smoothly placed.

Okay, starting back up from the top...

captain.classy wrote:There were no people, and I was even beginning to believe there weren’t ever any.

This seems to flow better. You had unnecessary words that threw me off track, but it may be just me.

captain.classy wrote:...had actually become so dark that my blue eyes stood out more, and for once I saw my face without make up. I was surprised that I didn’t look too bad without my black eyeliner and caked-on powder foundation. And, My nose didn’t seem to fit me well anymore, either. The fact that it was so calm and straight clashed with the uneasiness of my puffy eyes.

These sentences don't seem to work very well together, it could go better like this.

captain.classy wrote:“Hey,” the boy lifted up my chin that I had subconsciously dropped to the ground. “Cheer up, okay? Things can’t get much worse.”
I scrunched my face at him, “I just lost my family.”

What happened to your chin? Did you mean to say you were gaping? Like (insert gasp here)? I had to read this twice, so maybe you could add details to help me/other readers to understand it better.

Okay, there's my piece for today. I'll go over the rest later, but for right now I can't, specifically because I have to greet my family. So far, it's great!

coming back later,
Fixed
:smt024
The hardest mountain to climb will have the greatest view. Everything at a different angle: memories serve as double vision, a view from the valleys as well as the precipice. But everything that goes up must come down.The descent from the peak will be twice as graceful & three times as difficult




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Hi, it's PenNPaper here.
I like your story, it's descriptive and interesting. (I must admit that you kept me hooked)
There was a sentence that you started with the word 'And'. Try not to use it too often.
You said that something slid out of Joe's pocket, what was it? It would have been better of you had said what the item was. Or, if it doesn't contribute to story, don't add it in at all.
Thats every thing I spotted, you did pretty well overall, hope to see the next part out soon.
Writing is all about imagination~




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I really like this story. Until the very end i wanted to keep reading. And I REALLY want to know what happens next. I think Mary is a character who you can relate to and who you can like. When she meets the boy you presume that they're going to fall in love but its still pleasurable to see their relationship grow.
"You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow from the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside"




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Hmm.......interesting, the way this story is going. I beginning to like it even more. :)

Mistakes

However, now, we walked down the middle of the street

The two words, 'However' and 'now' are actually irrelevant here. The reason for this is that, almost always, 'However' is followed by a 'when' or 'as'. In situations where we are saying about a thing that is happening parallel to another thing, we use this. As you haven't meant anything similar to that, those words are not necessary.

twisting in zigzag formations, avoiding stumbling over wood piles or any other items that hinted that there were buildings.

This sentence should be like, ".....twisting in zigzag formations to avoid stumbling over wood piles or any other items that hinted that there had been buildings here before."

There were no people, and I was even beginning to believe there weren’t ever any.

This should be, "There were no people around, and I was even beginning to believe that there weren't any."

It looked like every part of the town.

I think what you meant here was that, "Every part of town looked the same"

The warm from the fire brightened me up.

It's 'warmth'

I had hit my head bad, but he had stopped the bleeding soon enough for me to recover.

If it took him three days to find her, and she was bleeding so much, I'm beginning to wonder how she actually survived.

I had no reason to come down, I just did.

Try adding, 'any other' after 'I had no' It seems much more better that way.

And now that I met you, well. I just feel like I’m important in a way.

Make this a single sentence like this, "And now that I've met you and all, well, I just feel like I'm important in a way"

“No. I have been wondering why I lived instead of my family, but I’m not special.”

Cut the comma and change it to "...when I'm not even that special"

It was a girl, a young girl.

Change this to, 'It was that a of a girl, a little girl"

Characters

Characters are the living beings of a story, and we are the creators of that life. Their life is in our hands. We are the ones who decide how they should act, behave, talk, etc. We breath life into them. And it is our duty to improve their lives in our story.
What I meant here is that the character is a puppet. We control them, and we are the ones who shows the reader how they behave. Its out duty to do it in the most realistic and the most understandable way for the reader.
Now, I haven't seen any of the attributes or qualities I would have liked in this kind of story. The characters are the ones that gives the story its colour. Without them, the story is dull and void. And it is our job to improve them until they shine like silver. Show their emotions, their behavior, their personality, their qualities, etc. And if you include these in the story this will be a superb one.
Now, for one thing, I really can't see how old this character is. I mean, your way of characterizing should be more improved to make the reader less confused an all. Think about it and try to change it in the next chapters.

Description

Before I go on in this topic, I'll give you an example.

The storm. The last storm of my old life, the last storm of many lives. It had come so quickly. One moment I had been watching my family laugh with each other for what had seemed like the first time in our short lives, and the next my house was crashing on top of them. I wondered why my life was spared. I was no different or more important than my family. So, why did I, unsheltered and vulnerable, live while my family, hidden and safely buried, perished?
“Hey,” the boy lifted up my chin that I had subconsciously dropped to the ground. “Cheer up, okay? Things can’t get much worse.”
I scrunched my face at him, “I just lost my family.”

Do you really think this is good description of the aching sadness the girl should be feeling right now. Well, not to be rude or blunt, but it just not seem to be a good description of her grief. I know you wrote how she did not like her parents and her sister and all, but when I read the second chapter, I think she did love them, a lot if I'm not wrong.
The point is, feelings and emotions plays a major role in a story. Especially in first person stories. They describe the character. They let the reader take the character's place in the story. And the lack of them is devastating to any story. So, keep in your mind that when writing a story, describe the feelings and emotions of characters well.

Plot

I think I just got the basis of the story in the second chapter but I didn't write because I have a hunch that its wrong. But, the way it seems to be going is making me more sure of my guess.
I like the plot anyway. Its different from other stories and is mysterious. So, I like it.

Well, I hope you post the next few chapters soon.

Good luck. :D
Warden: "If you want to lead, all you have to do is ask."
Alistair: "What? Lead? Me? No, no, no. No leading. Bad things happen when I lead. We get lost, people die, and the next thing you know I'm stranded somewhere without any pants."
- Dragon Age

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Eek, sorry for the delay!
But here's the review, as promised :D
Alright, most of the nitpicks are picked out already so I'm basically going to do an overview review of this.

:arrow:Characters: Alright I know in the first and second chapter there wasn't much characterization with your characters but in this one you did a fairly good job explaining her character. Although I do think you should add some more action 'showing' why type of person Mary is.
:arrow:Grammar: Your grammar was alright throughout your chapters but there is one thing I did pick up on, and that was your use of periods in quotation marks. Example:
"That's not right, Mary." She said, running her fingers through her hair. (You seem to do this a lot)
I suggest you change that around to:
"That's not right, Mary," she said, running her fingers through her hair. -or-
"That's not right, Mary," she said as she ran her fingers through her hair.
Comma before the ending quote when you're describing the way the quote is being said.
Or when another action is being provided. I don't know the literal term but for another example:
"That's not right, Mary," she jumped up and yelled.
Er, bad examples but do you get the main point? :D
:arrow:Plot: I have no idea what is exactly happening here or what might be happening. So try to focus a little bit more on the plot, maybe it's just a survival thing but let the readers know why sort of story you're building, although you shouldn't give away too much. :)
:arrow:Flow: I think you might be rushing in some parts so slow down and take a breather. We barely know Joe and you introduced a few other characters here as well so remember to give more detail on their characters so we can understand them and bond with them as well. I also think you should add some more descriptions, especially the way Joe's shelter looks like and what part of the city they're in or what rubbish is laying around.
****
So that's all I got for now, we'll see what more you create. So far, I like your idea and what you're building so please continue! I agree with the fact that global warming might be a turn off to some people but you've made it quite interesting and not many people have come up with this sort of idea :D
I'm just about hooked so keep going!
I want to know what else is going to happen to this group :)

~Pink
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-W. Somerset Maugham




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This was by far the best part yet. It was good to see some internal monologue. It goes a long way for character development. The prose was also very easy to read. It wasn't flowery or bland, but I think a little more description could help. Paint the surroundings and characters. Are there people screaming. Is the wind howling mournfully, in sorrow for the droves of dead it's left in its wake (feel free to use that if you like).

Onto characters. I get the impression that Mary and Joe are mid to late teens. Joe seems to have a surprisingly good handle on things considering he's just lost his family, but you intended that right?

Mary seems to be quite dark about losing her family before they eat the beans, but there's not much trace of that afterwards. In a black mood like she was in, I doubt Joe's somewhat cold consolances (There's no way to turn back the past) would make her feel better. If anything she'd be thinking "how could you say such a thing you insensitive bastard."

I still like what Joe's saying mind you. While he's got a hold of the situation and is efficient and objective, he's also not very good at reading other people, which is an appropriate flaw for his type. It's just that Mary's responses aren't consistent.

I think a better response, taking into account what I know about her would be "look I don't want to talk about it. Just leave me alone."

I say this becasue you mentioned in the previous chapter that when her family had their arguments she'd leave the house. Her solution to problems seems to be to avoid them, rather than confront them.

You've told us that Mary is the queen of negativity and hatred, so it's a change for her to make friends with Joe quickly. There's nothing wrong with that, but I think with a slower buildup as I mentioned in the first part, you could show her negativity rather than simply tell us here. Then when she befriends Joe the change will be more pronounced.

The children seem very confident. Their parents have probably died. In fact, everone seems to have died, and here they are talking to two strange teenagers. There's a whole host of emotions they should be feeling, and being children, they shouldn't be very good at hiding them.

I know macro editing can be a pain becasue you have to throw out a lot, and it's more work than micro editing, but in this case I think extending the buildup could make a huge difference.
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Hippie your points are wonderful. Thank you so much.

And everyone else, I love you so much. Your positive feedback and meaningful posts have encouraged me to press on.

I am going to be posting the next part soon. But, be afraid, very afraid.

~Classy




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Ok, I'm so late here but I'm here.

Classy, I had read the two first parts and never came back to see them. I'm ashamed of myself. I had really enjoyed this.

There's one thing here I don't understand: you ended your last chapter with: there's something you need to know, or something I need to tell you (something like that) but I don't think you got around to explaining that in this chapter. Am I wrong? If it's in the next one, disregard what I said but I think that by ending the last chapter with such a hook, you should start this one with the explanation, you know?

Also, I think you're going at it -somewhat- the right way about all these people banding together. Mary may be the queen of negativity, but she's lost her family, was saved by this boy and right now, he's all she has in the world. Of course she'll get attached to him. I am also assuming he'll end up being her husband since the two men in the 1st chapter call her Mrs. Pierce.

So yeah, I'm going to read the next chapter now, good work!

Tanya :D



"I never expected that I should be a queen so soon."
— Alice's Adventures in Wonderland