You Never Wanted This: a Retelling of Sleeping Beauty

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5236
Reviews 35
So this is essentially just an experiment with writing in 2nd person. This is the first time I've ever tried it, but I think it turned out pretty good (for a first attempt, anyway :wink: ). But I really want to hear what you guys think. I would really appreciate some feedback on this. Oh, and as a warning, this is a very strange retelling...


You never wanted this. That's all you can be certain of. At least, it was.

Now, everything is different. Suddenly, sleeping away your life sounds ideal. Suddenly, it seems the best idea in the world.

You weren't stupid. You had paid attention to the gossip circulating in your future kingdom. You had read the archives detailing all the royal decrees your parents had made. You had listened faithfully to all the stories surrounding the feast that had been held in your honor. You knew all about the curse.

You don't know when it happened. You don't know how. All you know is that you're life has become meaningless. Your whole life, you had avoided that room at the top of the tallest tower as if it were a matter of life or death. After all, it was. You never wanted to enter that room, that stone hell. You wanted to live.

Now, on the day of your sixteenth birthday, you find yourself walking to that room in the tower. Now, you find yourself turning the brass doorknob. You marvel at the feel of the metal against your skin; so cold, and yet so alive with things that could be, and also the things that couldn't. You push open the door and walk in. You enter speedily, almost running, so eager are you to escape your troubles. You look around the room and make your selection. Walking to the largest spinning wheel, you carefully remove the spindle. You almost smile. Tranquility is in your hands at last.

You walk carefully back to your room, careful to avoid any servants, any family, any friends, any enemies. No one can learn of your plan. Finally reaching your destination, you quickly enter the room, shutting the door carefully behind you. You glance down at the spindle in your hand and a delightful gleam dances its way into your eyes. You settle into your bed, making yourself comfortable. You figure it's worth the time. After all, you won't leave for quite a while.

Closing your eyes, you slowly bring the spindle to your finger. There is no need to look. The needle's location on your finger need not be exact. Anywhere will do.

As the cold point of the needle breaks your skin, you smile, even as a wave of exhaustion washes over you. Never have you felt more alive than in this peaceful state.

But wait! There's been some kind of mistake! You try to open your eyes, but to no avail. They are as if sewn shut. You try to move your arms, but they are crushed by a terrible weight. Your legs are no different. Last, you try to pry open your still softly smiling mouth to scream, but nothing happens. Cruelly, your lips refuse to move, refuse to let you wipe away that cruel memory of your former short lived bliss. Giving up (for what else is there to do?) you try to sleep. Yes, that's all you need to do. You just need to fall asleep.

You try every method you know to fall into that desperately sought for slumber, but nothing works. With nothing else to do, you continue with the last method you had employed: counting sheep. For days, you continue to count, and still no slumber. For weeks, the sheep continue to jump over that cursed fence, and still no slumber. For months, the sheep remain your only companions, and still no slumber. By now, you have lost track of all time. All you know are sheep. You reach ten million sheep, and still no slumber.

One horrid day, you lose count. You don't know how this is possible. What is there to distract you? You decide to just start over. You reach five sheep before you become aware of an increasing pressure on your lips. Surprised by the memory of the outside world, your eyes blink open, slowly, groggily. You are not used to light. Only the never ceasing darkness. Your blinking becomes rapid until finally -- finally -- your eyes adjust to the light. You find yourself looking into the eyes of a handsome man. A prince, you think, for though you've forgotten nearly all aspects of your former life, you still remember the story. You remember that it is a prince who will save you with a kiss. Your lips smile up at him, but only because they have been frozen in that false shape for one hundred years. You don't truly mean to smile. You are not happy in the slightest. You never wanted to be disturbed. You just want to return to your herd of sheep.

And so, though the prince calls out to you ("Princess! Princess!") you close your eyes. And so, though the prince shakes your shoulders desperately, you pick up right where you left off. Sheep number six. Sheep number seven.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 20503
Reviews 370
This was magnificent, Becki! Can I call you Becki?
I loved the use of second person; it was well-executed, so say the least. And the emotions evoked were very powerful.
I would ask you to explain, a little more, why she didn't want to live anymore. I mean, the girl was blessed with every virtue on this earth! She had magical fairies who went to ridiculous lengths to make her happy! What is wrong with her?
Besides botched motivations, I really, really liked this piece.
God, I hate the feeling of not being able to fall asleep. I can't even imagine what It would feel like if I had to lay semi-awake for years and years.. was it one hundred? Ouch. :thud:
Anyways, great job.
I'm really impressed.
xxoxx
******The Universe**********
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
*Le Bible
Royal Reviews Here!




User avatar
Gender Other
Points 2570
Reviews 245
Surprisingly, not bad! :)

Haha, so far, every second person story I've read has been horrible. Even the fames literary classics you study in school, no one seems to be able to pull off second person, and very few pull off present tense. So when I read your warning up there, I mentally groaned and braced myself to only read part way and either give my thoughts there, or just abandon it altogether. You managed to do pretty well here.

In the original tale, it was a self fulfilling prophesy. That is, her parents kept her completely and utterly in the dark somehow, and her father had ordered all the spinning wheels destroyed. So one day, completely oblivious, miss Beauty stumbles across a contraption that she's never seen before, and, very curious child that she is, investigates it. She inevitably pricks her finger, and the tale is told. It was out of her parent's attempts to protect her from her fate that they instead sealed it.

You've got an interesting spin (pardon the pun) on the old tale here. She's fully educated on the matter, but regardless pricks her finger because she's bewitched in to doing so. It's a good twist, and it actually takes care of some things that, were the story written today, would be considered plot holes.

However, it was an unclear transition from 'you don't want this' to 'you do'. Or she seems to, anyway. She willingly goes to the tower (why wasn't it locked, by the way? Why was the wheel still in there?) and willingly pricks herself. It's only at the end of the bewitched scene that the truth of the situation becomes clear, and only when she snaps out that it's made completely, unmissably obvious. Which is fine... except that you want to make it more obvious from the start. Otherwise, as it is, it seems like a confusing inconsistency with both character and plot. Perhaps exaggerate it more, make the change more in-your-face. Currently, you have an excellent flowing story, very smooth, but in this case, that's actually a bit of a problem. Just tweak it a bit at that scene to make it more clear. No problem, I' sure. :)

Overall, well done. Definitely impressed with how well you were able to pull of the second person. It'll be interesting to see what else you'll crank out. :)
Necropolis SB / Necropolis DT

Once was Dreamer, is now LowKey_Lyesmith.

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5236
Reviews 35
Thank you guys so much! I totally realize the whole abruptness and unclear motivations of the first part, and perhaps I'll go back and fix it someday. For the most part, I just wanted to try 2nd person to see if I could make it work out okay ^^. Like you guys, I'm not big on reading 2nd person, but recently I've seen some stories on fanfiction written in 2nd person that were actually really, really good. It caught my interest and since then I've constantly been toying with the idea of writing in 2nd person. When I found this site I figured now would be as good a time as ever (plus it really helped get me to my daily quota on WriYe!) and just sat down and wrote it. I'm so unbelievably happy that you seem to think it worked out well! That totally made my day!

~Becki




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30280
Reviews 529
Hey =]

Finally - a story written in second person that isn't at all terrible. Congratulations!

As for the content of the story, I loved it. Your take on the classic tale of Sleeping beauty was brilliant - I might actually prefer it to the original :wink:

They are as if sewn shut.

Maybe it would read better as,
'It's as if they are sewn shut.' - Just a suggestion though =]

I especially liked the way you described this part;

But wait! There's been some kind of mistake! You try to open your eyes, but to no avail. They are as if sewn shut. You try to move your arms, but they are crushed by a terrible weight. Your legs are no different. Last, you try to pry open your still softly smiling mouth to scream, but nothing happens. Cruelly, your lips refuse to move, refuse to let you wipe away that cruel memory of your former short lived bliss.


I really did feel trapped and the thought of counting sheep over and over is horrible!

And I love the ending! =D

Thanks for the great read!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 53415
Reviews 1125
Hey Tigress! Stella here!

I love fairytales. A little obsessively. So yay for you!

I. NITPICKS

All you know is that you're life has become meaningless.


your.

After all, it was.


I think you can find a better word than "after all."

But wait! There's been some kind of mistake!


One exclamation mark is fine, but I'm not so sure about the two.

Okay...

II. CHARACTER

So, you really only have one character here, and you know what that means, you have miles and miles of open space to develop!

Why did she want to sleep? I'd love some idea of her anguish, and as she's lying there she has the perfect opportunity to mull it all over. Does she dislike herself? Others? You've got this wonderful chance to let us inside her head and you're not using it! I'd love to get more of an idea of your character.

Also, I'm confused about her aims. She wanted to sleep, not actually able to, she wants to wake up and upon being woken up she wants to go back to her sheep. Does she want to sleep, or just count?

Basically, I didn't really get a feel for her or her desires.

III.OVERALL

I love your take on this, and your voice is strong! Nice job.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1224
Reviews 1
This was really really brilliant. I love how her motivation was for escape, and then how she just could not fall asleep and regretted it a bit. The counting sheep thing was genius, and I loved the end, how she was disgruntled this handsome prince finally awoke her, and now all she wants is her sheep. Truly Fantastic.
~Kiy
"Best Friends: The people who know all about you, but love you more than anything."
"Be the Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios."
"Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry."
"If life was easy, where would all the adventures be?"



Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
— Pat Buchanan