Runaways Chap. 2

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When I awoke in the morning, I looked around the hotel room. The layout was different then most hotels we stayed at, with two bathrooms- one in the bedroom and then one next to the kitchen. I started to get up, when I realized that Joey was sleepy soundly. He looked so peaceful, like nothing could hurt him. I carefully picked him up and rest him on my shoulder. He started to stir, and soon his eyes were open.
He didn’t cry like he usually did but I don’t think he’s ever woken up to my face. He smiled at me and used his chubby hands to grab my nose. I really didn’t know what to do so I just pulled away and went into the bedroom were Heather was at. She was up and was going through her bag. She looks at me and smiles,
“Good morning, how was Joey?” She said amused.
“Just take care of him, get him ready too; we’re going out. In the city, so you know what to wear. If you don’t have anything I’m sure I’ve got something” I said deadpanned, she looked at me a little weird but I really don’t take it under evaluation. I just walked over to her, gave her Joey, and just walked out. When I shut the door I could hear Joey crying for Heather’s attention. I took a deep shaky breath. This will never get easy.
I go to get my bag trying to find matching clothes. Once I find suitable clothes, I go into the bathroom next to the kitchen. Getting ready was always a time for me to think about Mother and Father. I couldn’t say they were dead, because then Heather would give up hope; but whenever I talked to David every time his voice would always contain less hope.
David is my inside source to everything. He knows who is after us, but he keeps the name a secret because then I would “Underestimate who I’m dealing with." David just tells us that I know him from when I was in high school. Harder than you think, I went to a high school were there was 7,000 students.
When I finished getting dressed I looked at myself in the mirror, I was wearing a red silky blouse that crosses in the back with black flared jeans and red strappy high heels to give people the illusion that I’m a bad ass sexy girl. When I got to my hair I just pulled it into a “flirty” ponytail, as Heather calls it, with a few pieces of hair on the side. I finished getting ready; brushing my teeth, applying make up to cover up most of my scars on my face and arms, and double check that I didn’t look anything like I really was and everything like Lily Anne.
I get out of the bathroom and go to the bedroom, preparing myself for my new and improved sister’s cover up. I open up the door and find Heather looking out the window with Joey giggling and playing on the bed with the fancy pillow that no one ever uses. Heather was wearing a nice blue casual dress with a ruffled collar and basic black ballet flats. She had her hair down and she looked very natural without make up. Her accessories were a silver watch and elegant chandelier earrings.
“Ready?” I said breaking her trance. She turns to look at me and then glances at Joey.
“Yeah, but is Joey okay like that?” She gestured to his jeans and t-shirt that said I’m the troublemaker in the family. I laugh a little.
“He’s a kid no one will do a double take on him, when we’re the ones with the money.” I smile at her as I hold up my wallet full of money.
“Then let’s go!” Heather said joyfully.
Wait, let’s clear something up, who are you?” I say to make sure she wouldn’t call me Serena out in public.
“Oh, I’m Miss Priscilla Larkin, and Joey is now Mr. Carter Larkin. I gave birth to Cater when I was 20. I’m 21 now.” She beamed at me as she gathered her purse and Joey’s, I mean Carter’s blue baby bag.
“How ironic, you told me yesterday that you didn’t have Carter and now you have to have him.” It's amazing how easy Heather can get over something.
“Well, Joey looks more like me with the brown hair while you have black hair. You could be like my best friend and Carter’s godmother.”
“That makes sense good idea Priscilla. What about that lady at the front desk? She thinks we’re siblings, but you know...” I trail off.
“She works the night shift, chill Lily. You’re too much like father. Now let’s go.” She said with a smile while I mentally grimaced at her bringing them up.
“Whatever.” I say as I grab a purse and threw in my wallet, phone, and lipstick that I hate wearing.


Then we were off to hide our true selves in case he was watching us.

Note-- Chapter 3 is in planning, very loosely planning since school is coming back to haunt me. :( Don't worry, it will be done :smt003

:elephant: :thud: :smt005 :smt003
Jessabelle
The past is the past, so don't bring it up.
JLJ is 4ever <3 :)

"Never give up, but there's a lot of people that would love to watch you fall and a lot of people wanting to see you succeed."




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This is definitely an interesting idea. I'm just curious about the title. You call them runaways, but are they really runaways or possible orphans?

Be careful of mixed tenses. You flip-flop a lot throughout the text. Pick which tense you'd prefer and change the verbs to suit that tense. Having mixed tenses makes it hard to read.

sleepy
This should be 'sleeping'.

were Heather was at.

Two things: 1)'were' should be 'where' 2) don't end a sentence with a preposition.

tells us
This should be 'tells me'

Harder than you think
What 'harder than you think'?

How old is everyone? When the main character doesn't know what to do with Joey it makes her seem young but then as she starts getting ready she seems much older.

The main character seems pretty cold, almost emotionless. I don't know if this is intentional or not, but I figured I would bring it to your attention.

This is good. Keep writing!
"Today is the Tomorrow you worried about Yesterday"




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Harder than you think, I went to a high school were there was 7,000 students.

Another "were" mistake. It should be "where". :)


I finished getting ready; brushing my teeth, applying make up to cover up most of my scars on my face and arms, and double check that I didn’t look anything like I really was and everything like Lily Anne.

Wait, what's her name? See you say here:
I say to make sure she wouldn’t call me Serena out in public.

Sorry, this just confuses me. I'm pretty sure it's Serena though, isn't it? Then what did you mean by the "Lily Anne" thing?

I gave birth to Cater when I was 20.

Carter. That's what all the others are spelled like around it anyway.

Okay, now the boring nit-picks are over. I really like this story. And I can't wait to find out who's trying to catch them. Just one more suggestion, don't drag out this mystery too long, you lose more readers that way. I'm telling you this because I learned the hard way before. :wink:
Alright, keep going with this and post more soon!
:P :elephant: :D :mrgreen: :lol:
Looking for someone who won't disappoint you?
Look to Jesus.:)




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WritersBlock247 wrote:How old is everyone? When the main character doesn't know what to do with Joey it makes her seem young but then as she starts getting ready she seems much older.

The main character seems pretty cold, almost emotionless. I don't know if this is intentional or not, but I figured I would bring it to your attention.

This is good. Keep writing!


Serena has always been emotionless. She's like that girl you know at school, but she's so quiet that you're scared to talk to her. If you read the first chapter, you'd understand that Serena is 18, Heather is 16, and Joey is adopted at 1.
Jessabelle
The past is the past, so don't bring it up.
JLJ is 4ever <3 :)

"Never give up, but there's a lot of people that would love to watch you fall and a lot of people wanting to see you succeed."




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Pretty Crazy wrote:
I finished getting ready; brushing my teeth, applying make up to cover up most of my scars on my face and arms, and double check that I didn’t look anything like I really was and everything like Lily Anne.

Wait, what's her name? See you say here:
I say to make sure she wouldn’t call me Serena out in public.

Sorry, this just confuses me. I'm pretty sure it's Serena though, isn't it? Then what did you mean by the "Lily Anne" thing?


Crazy- Lily Anne is her cover up name, that way the man chasing them doesn't find them. that's why I said, "I say to make sure she wouldn't call me Serena out in public. " so you understand that her name really is Serena, but as a cover up she's Lily Anne. :)
Jessabelle
The past is the past, so don't bring it up.
JLJ is 4ever <3 :)

"Never give up, but there's a lot of people that would love to watch you fall and a lot of people wanting to see you succeed."



Vampires aren't real, but you know what is? And far more annoying? MOSQUITOS
— LadyMysterio