Silence: Chapter One

Don't want anyone to read this. Sorry.

I clicked on this story thinking, "Ok. Another twilight romance in poor disguise-- it's fine. I can take it."
But wow-- a deaf homosexual. I love, love, love it.
Nitpicks

deafwriter_19 wrote:I don’t want my name to take up people’s brains.

I think you mean
I don't want my name to take up space in people's brains.
Besides that, I would say, it was a pretty good start.
I would say he's kind of in a bad mood; I mean moving is hard but he wouldn't be that cranky.

Also, the boy who bumped into him would probably ask if he had a ride home before offering to drive him.
Besides that, It was really good. You get super-bonus points for writing a non conventional romance-- or at least, one I don't find too often on this site.

I can't even write a proper review for this. The reason? It's already too good! I love the character - he is dark, bitter, sadistic and the best thing - he doesn't care! Or at least pretends not too . . . intriguing material, I say!

I would love to read more of this. I like the way you write. In short proper sentences. It's pretty cool. Anyway, PM me when the next chapter is up.

Have A Nice Day.
Azrael.

I really like this. Good voice, good use of sentence structure, great characterisation. I'd read on.

Amazing! Loved the short sentence style and everything. The only nitpicks I have are already said so I'm not going to repeat them. GREAT JOB!!!

I'm convinced I'm repeating what all above have said but the colloquial language and phrasing is very endearing. Reminds of someones writing but I can't for the life of me think who... I'm very much looking forward to the second installment and whether you manage to keep the perfection of this narrative going

You know I like your stuff...I've told you on many occasions...Keep up the good work chuck

Okay, well I said I would find something to critique, so I must keep my word. However, I am being seriously nitpicky here.

First of all the scene with the redhead teacher was slightly confusing.

And I almost finish my English, but the redhead says I can finish that seventh period.
Can’t wait.
Next is my off period. The redhead wants me to stay here and give me seventh off. I consider the possibilities and agree.

Okay, so let me get this straight. Fifth period is study hall, sixth period is your off period, and seventh period is study hall again? What is seventh period? Why does the teacher say to finish your homework in seventh period and then almost immediately after, suggest you stay for sixth period and skip seventh period? Why would she suggest this? What is her motive? Does she feel sorry for him? I'd like more about the redhead.

Secondly, the handsome stranger in the library sounds almost too perfect. Remember, this is high school. While there are a few who are beautiful, all teenagers are going through puberty. Which means non-beautiful things like acne, braces, bad B.O., and serious personality flaws. Just keep this in mind for future scenes with Wonder Boy.

Other than that, you're story is wonderful. But you already knew that.

Hello!

This might be because I'm from California, but isn't the internet in your library... free? I mean, it's timed and limited over here, but you don't have to pay for it.

I wish I could actually see the dialogue between the guy with green eyes and Ayden. I realize you're trying to build him up and leave a cliffhanger, but the first thing he notices is his body, and that seems a bit shallow to me. Of course, you can't notice his personality at first, but I would probably notice his kindness or attitude to Ayden.

Also, for the beginning, if he doesn't want his name taking up their minds, why does he even correct them when they call him Adrian at first?

And, because I'm talking about the beginning again (this review is soooo out-of-order) I'm curious as to who the interpreter is and her relationship between Ayden. I've never seen this kind of story before, so that thing piques my curiosity.

Oh! One more thing... I think the second segment can be a bit longer. Right now, it seems really short. I don't think that flows very well. Just a thought.

Good luck with this!

I liked it, and I like the idea.
I have to agree with some of the previous commentors. Your writing is choppy and that gets irritating. When you read it back to yourself aloud you will realise this too. You don't need to put full stops for every pause, a comma would work just as well. Sometime you miss out the subject of the sentence as well

Turn up the volume enough so that I can make out every detail in the music.

This needs an 'I' at the beginning in order for it to make sense.

Sorry that I'm being a bit nit picky but it will all improve your writing.
It is a fantastic idea so keep it going but proof read your writing before posting it.

Hi there.
Let's get started.

I have to correct them in every morning class

In every morning class? I believe the proper structure of that sentence should be, "Every morning in class."

People stare. At my hearing aid.

Maybe it's just a pet peeve of mine, but I dislike it when people break down perfectly fine sentences into two pieces. That doesn't always act as a nice "silence" or "remaining echo" as some assume it would. One sentence would flow and work a lot better. "People stare at my hearing aid."

She does a decent job on signing for me, but her gaze is distant.
Depending on the class, I blush and stare at the drawn-on gray of my desktop when I find that bothersome stare.

She does a decent jobat signing for me, would work better. Her gaze, explain more. Is it like she has her head in the clouds, yet her body on earth? Her brain in a blur, her eyes filled with thoughts? Detail makes a story much more interesting. Bothersome stare? Blush? Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like the character is somewhat attracted to this person. If not think about changing the blush part. Maybe it's just me, but I think that way.

I don’t want my name to take up people’s brains.

This is unique. Love it.

down in a dim buzzing.

Into a dim buzzing.

I slowly shuffle forward in the line

For some reason this sentence annoys me. Maybe the wording and structure. Forward could be replaced with something better for more flow.
trying not to bump into the girls in front of me.

One is blonde. The other is brunette.

Again, no need for fullstops. If. I. Talked. To. You. Like. This. It would get annoying, no? The same way, unless you absolutely need a full stop for effect, don't use them. Comma's add more flow to the words, making everything look better.

I get chicken and a soda. I fill a small plastic bowl—the kind you find at fast-food joints—with mustard.

I nod at June.

Eh, no need for italic.

And I almost finish my English, but the redhead says I can finish that seventh period. Can’t wait.

Take out the and, better flow. Can't wait. Hm, not really loving it. Maybe a "Boy, can I wait." if you want sarcasam, show it better.

It’s cold. And gray.

Now see that's better. More effect, short, so commas work out.

And I injure myself on the first day of school.

Tense changed? I inhured myself on the first day of school, I believe. And and then and again makes the flow get thrown off. Don't do it.

It was a Starbucks drink.

It's a Starbucks drink.



Overall

Alright. It was interesting, nothing that had me bouncing around my seat the entire time, but still amusing. You need to work on your transitions. A lot. I'm not sure if this is your style of writing, but it bugs me. It also more than likely bugs other readers too. Transitions are what makes a story good, they are very very important. Second, it was cliche. Not all of it, some of it. The whole 'accidentally spill drink' or the 'staring people whispering about me'. Show me something original, you have lots more creativity than just that! I couldn't really feel much of a connection with the character. Some parts just seemed very bland, the way he thought and spoke and all.

-JD

Sweet! Was kinda feeling alone on this website! If you like writing stories like this you should check out sofurry.com It's a site where I post all of my stories. Names Ace Wolf on the site! Hope to see you there!

wow.(takes a breath)
this is COOL. as in cool, like, i haven't thought of putting things like homosexuality and deafness and high school life together. this is really AMAZING.

i like this one. hope to read more from you.

~telle