Inadequate

Everything I am and everything I will be
revolves around the capability
to write this poetry.
-
Oh, the clatter I create
in my pitiful artistic state.
If only I was more than a crazy little girl,
with a pencil and some paper
in this great big scary world.
-
Can you imagine me curled in a corner
with my paper and my pen,
coloring myself a picture
as the world around me spins?
-
Can you see me clinging to my creation,
peering at it with Big Sad Tearing eyes?
And as I stare I calmly ask it "Why?
Why, can't I trade you in?”
I'd gladly be rid of my paper and pen.
-
I’d take some other talent instead.
One with a few less tears to shed,
one that makes my mommy proud,
one that brings my dad around.
One that grabs my loved one’s attention.
-
If only I was more than a poet, artist, or musician.

First things first: is there, or is there not, a rhyme scheme? You start out sort of having one, then you have a rhyming couplet followed immediately after by a not-rhyming couplet, and then you have an abcb pattern... Do you see why I am confused? While it is good that you started a new stanza every time you changed your rhyme scheme, so many changes so close together and for no apparent reason derailed me a couple times.

While the subject of the poem is clear (something which I really appreciate), there isn't much focus on why the narrator feels that way. I felt that it was all vaguely shoehorned into the second to last stanza. Why does the narrator see being a poet as pathetic and pitiful? Why/how does it bring tears? How does the narrator as a poet relate (or not relate) to her parents? I really think this poem would be improved by expanding on the whys and hows of the narrator's lamenting about being a poet.

Rhyme scheme trippage aside, this flowed well, especially ideas-wise, and you obviously have a good grip on spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I just think that this poem could use a bit more internal consistency and expansion on the main subject.

I agree with Kryollac about the rhyming scheme; but that's pretty much how I rhyme and I kind of like it. It goes with the theme of the poem; being a pitiful poet.
I really related to this piece; as I'm sure most people on yws can
Brava; a good, solid work.
I don't really have any tweaking so I salute you.
xxooxx
***The Universe*****

Hmmm, I didn't really pick a rhyme scheme, I just wrote it as it flowed, and now looking over it I'm not sure I want to edit that. If I'm saying I'm a crazy girl and a pitiful artist why not have a wacky rhyme?

I'm looking at adding to, and expanding it. I don't feel like there's anything about her being an artist that made her feel inadequate. It seems like she already just plain felt not good enough for the world, and it happens that she's an artist. She would probably feel that despair no matter what her occupation or hobby. Maybe it's the despair that allows her to be an artist and not the other way around, she just doesn't see it that way?

I guess I have some thinking to do!

If I'm saying I'm a crazy girl and a pitiful artist why not have a wacky rhyme?

That makes sense.

I kind of liked the rhyme scheme here. It worked with the sort of imperfect rhymes which make poems kind of quirky and cool. Nice one!

I liked it, I really liked it, up until the end. It should have tied it all together, and made the end special, but the last line didn't really do it for me. There were too many words at the end, and the way it was delivered was a little weak. I don't know what irks me so much about it, but I feel like there should be a really strong ending for such a strong poem.

Plus, I think it would be cool if the emotions were expanded on a bit. Make the reader empathise with your speaker more, that would be really nice. A little more emotion and feeling, and this poem will be awesome!

Well done! I hope I helped!

~Amy

I liked your poem very much.I feel I can relate to what you wrote.I can't judge you the way others do because I have just started writing poetry myself and sure I found the rhyming a little wacky.But I had read in some forum that poetry is about flow and I can see that in your poem.

in this great big scary world.

Lol... No offene... This sounds like it's for a 5 year old. And It sort of ruins the flow, that you had going. That's my only complaint to the poem, really.

I do like how you do throw in happy images like the coloring one and then just change it to a bad one. It gave a nice effect and I loved it.

Also. Theres never anything better to be, than that poet, artist or musician. That creativity flows through you, unlike a normal person. And it's a great thing to create art. Never let yourself feel down about your writing, my friend.

you really pulled me in. When I first started reading it, I was scared that it would end up all crazy and sad and I'd lose interest, but your poem sped up and made me feel all tingly inside, if you catch my drift. I don't really have anything to say other than that, except for the ending confusing me. You only talk about being a poet in this, until the very end where you jump off a cliff (metaphorically) and tell us you're also a musician and artist. Could you incorporate that into the poem?

Lovingly,
Fixed

Wow! Thank you for all the reviews!

I completely agree with you, Oh, Silent One, "Great big scary world" does sound all of five years old. I'll be working on that.

It seems like my only other complaint is that you want more! Fine, I'll give you more .

I do have a question! I have a short story that has been posted for four days and hasn't gotten a single review, I usually two or three reviews a day for other people. Could you give me any pointers on how to get more reviews?

Thanks so much you guys!
RedSmiles.