Vampire...

I know this is a terrible poem but I want to here it get slated as much as possible... so HIT ME! (not in that way )

Trapped in the dead of night,
Nothing left but the sounds of fright,
the beat of a heart pounding in her ear,
And thick wisps of black shining hair.

The trickle of blood as lips slowly caress,
The teeth of a man on the neck of a temptress,
Her squeals are of pain but also delight,
As her eyes slide shut waiting for dawns early night.

She never awoke and in her death,
Spent no time with the man,
Who wished he could,
And found life too bland,
The stake to his heart was the mark on his life,
The coffin for the girl which ended her strife.



Please do slate my poem, I want to be able to check it through without issue.
- The idea of the poem has changed to: The feeding of a vampire and regret that he did.
- The spelling and punctuation has been improved.
- The death of the vampire has turned to suicide and the girl has died from the feeding.
- The length and sentence structure has been improved and I have added more rhyme.
Correction advice received from Kyllorac.

Welcome to the site! I hope you have a long and fruitful stay.

That said, I am going to be brutally honest with you. Please don't take it personally.

After I finished reading this here poem of yours, there was one single thought in my mind, and that thought was, "What? O_o" For you see, in this here poem, you have too much stuff going on. In addition, there were issues with punctuation (mainly missing commas) and spelling that made things even more what-worthy.

What happened to the "me" in the first stanza? We're focus on the lady that was turned into a vampire, but then suddenly, mid-stanza, we're not. And then there's a wedding with a wild night of passion, followed shortly by stupidity and (preceded by a dramatic pause) death. And on top of that, I'm wondering what is up with the line lengths and the rhyme; are you using one or not?

And so I say again: what? o_O What is the point of this poem? Is it to focus on what it is like to be turned into a vampire? Is it about a vampire turning and marrying a woman he found appealing? Is it about a pair of vampiric lovers biting the dust?

If the first, I suggest focusing on the emotions and feelings of the woman as she is turned and immediately after. If the second, focus solely on him. If the last, make their death a result of something more tragic than one of them opening up the curtains in the middle of the day; that's just stupid and not at all dramatic or tragic.

Also, if you are going to use a rhyme in your poem, stick to it. Don't just change it every other stanza and/or not use it at all in places. It just doesn't work. Also, concerning line length, that wasn't consistent either. You've got short lines paired with really long lines which are supposed to also rhyme, but it doesn't work because rhymes rely on rhythm, and you don't have one in part due to the inconsistent line lengths. The most common way of measuring line lengths is syllable count; try using it.

There was also the matter of the imagery being almost nonexistent and, in the cases where there was imagery, inconsistent and/or cliche. Unique imagery and/or subject is what sets one poem apart from another; this here poem lack either.

So my final verdict: this poem needs a complete overhaul. First things first, grammar and spelling need to be fixed. Secondly, decide what your poem is going to be about. Thirdly, pick a rhyme/rhythm scheme and stick to it.

That is all.

My only point would be don't bend yourself backwards and change your poem to make the lines rhyme.

Forgotten xxx
PS: You're not 13.

I know that, forgotten I know when I was born! I just did it wrong on the thingy. I'll change it.

Hey there!

Ok, so here I didn't have too much of a problem with your rhyme scheme. It wasn't especially horrible, it was actually kind of good so well done for that. The first two stanzas I liked. It isn't a topic I'm especially interested in, but you have a nice style and you wrote about it well. Although, is squeals (3rd line 2nd stanza) the right word? I would consider changing that.

However, I didn't like the last stanza. You change the format which your other stanzas are set in, and everything becomes really jumbly and rushed. To me, it feels like that was written in a really confusing hurry. I would consider taking what you need to from that stanza, and perhaps changing it to two stanzas that are set the same way as the ones before. That way everything doesn't feel rushed and confusing, yes?

~Amy