Twilight War (16+ for violence)

Hello, my first piece I've posted. Hope you like it!

Twilight War

The darkness was a cruel master. It surrounded her on every side with closed doors and avenues of tumbling memory. The darkness held the sea, immeasurable. She was floating on top of it, soaked with emotion. She couldn't get out. She couldn't fight it. Eventually she would sink to it's sorrowful depths, too tired to move. The sea was a writhing mass of memories, memories yanked painfully from their rightful owners. Memories full of blood and gore. Memories where Chaos would reign supreme. Yet, that was where she resided most. Because even if they weren't real, even if they were ghost of reality, they were there. Her brothers and sisters, there they would call to her. For a while, for a terrified moment she would hear them. The Voices! Oh, the voices. She could bathe in them for hours. Litanies of light, of the summer fields. For what seemed like an eternity they would writhe through her being. Then for a moment she would be at peace. But like the sand in a timer, her mind would slowly slip away. A minute portion would tear itself apart and dive into the unreachable seas. Every day she was becoming less of a person. She was a prisoner, sentenced to die. Sentenced to watch her soul slip away until she couldn't think. Until she truly became an animal.It wouldn't be long. But she would fight. She wouldn't let her dusk come.

She wasn't ready. Not yet. Not now. They couldn't...

The smell of sweat and people, a cacophony of noise thundering through her eyes. A song was bursting from her lips. Her siblings where here. For a blood splattered instance she was whole. Together with her soul. Joy mixed with a measure of sadness permeated from her being. Joy for the ghosts that where her brothers and sadness knowing that they could never be reunited. Ahead a screaming line of demons, bodies convulsing.Malicious thoughts and obscenities exploding from their lips. With a war cry their line lept forward, clawed feet and mis-sized wings crashing with fearsome force. Elvria grasped her sword and added power to the shield. Together they slammed forwards , belting forward for all they where worth. The noise was terrific, the howls echoed round her ears. Then a screech cut through the air. Three metres to go. She slipped into a silent place where everything ran in slow motion. It was a crystal sphere in a land of massive sounds and tearing minds. Impact. Bones jarred and her slim figure buried itself between two large iron spikes that classed as spears. Her body rammed into the gap, sword swinging, left hand reaching out. Two twisted faces glared back at her, muscles twitching. Her sword met body with a dull thunk. A furious screech lanced from her left and her hand slashed through throat with clean efficiency, magical claws dissolving. The body crashed to the ground, joining the decapitated head of her first target. Something jabbed in her mind and she spun round flinging up a shield. A roaring furnace engulfed her figure. Flames impossibly hot. She felt them pushing her backwards, she couldn't get a grip. At the back of her head panic tried to worm into her calm sphere. She crushed with a pitiless thought. As suddenly as the flame had begun it stopped with a corrosive cough and an enormous body crashed to the floor...

And was back in the darkness, watching the grains of time flow through her fingertips. The voices where gone, her family left like rag-dolls in the library of her memory. NO! Not again. She lashed out with fury, psychic energy smashed against boundaries. Lightning cracked and an awesome wave of sound cascaded through her eyes. She smashed against her prison until her very being ached to it's core, energy expended. Until the echoes died and again the silence reigned supreme. Silent grief racked her mind with small sobs. Again she wept for the friend's lost. The soul's corrupted beyond redemption. Bodies battered beyond recognition and a ground bled with borrowed fluid . Sorrow lept at her heart and ripped it to shreds. She was alone. Alone in an expanse that expanded for an infinite distance in all directions. Without the power to yank herself free. She glowered, imagined teeth bared. She'd get them. When she fought her way free, she'd find them and reach for their mind. Like a vice she too would strangle reality and wring the remainder out of heir sorrowful brain.Anger began to fizzle out. It was replaced with a resentful soup of bitterness and battered pride. She slipped back into a form of unconsciousness. Unthinking. Mind blank, like a sheet of paper waiting to be written on.

She just wanted something, someone, anyone to be. Just someone.

So there was another voice inside her skull.

So she wasn't quite so alone.

*

Hi! I'll be your reviewer for today!

The darkness was a cruel master. It surrounded her on every side with closed doors and avenues of tumbling memory. The darkness held the sea, immeasurable. She was floating on top of it, soaked with emotion. She couldn't get out. She couldn't fight it. Eventually she would sink to it's sorrowful depths, too tired to move. The sea was a writhing mass of memories, memories yanked painfully from their rightful owners.

I love this paragraph, absolutly love it! It was totally descriptive in a different way and gives us an idea of what the character is feeling. Great job here.

Because even if they weren't real. Even if they where only the ghosts of reality.They where there.

Make it like this: "Because even if they weren't real, even if they were ghost of reality, they were there.

Here brothers, sisters. There they would call to her.

Make it: Her brothers and sisters, there they would call to her.

For a blood spattered instance she was whole.

I think you mean that: Spattered, to be "splattered". But great description here!

NO!!

Easy on the exclamation points.

psychic energy smashed against boundaries.

I couldn't tell if you meant "Physical" or psychic as in "psychic powers".

Then, then.

You don't need this, its a fragment and is kinda sticking out there.

[/quote]Mind blank, like a sheet of paper waiting to be written on. [/quote]
Great simile! I love it!

This was awesome! Aside from the nitpicks I pointed out, I loved it! I could totally feel the character's emotions and it was very well written. I'll be looking for more work by you because this was really great! Great job!

Overall i thought it was very enjoyable but a little confusing, i didn't really understand exactly what was going on. Was she actually drowning? or drowning in a sea of emotion? what? Some of it was kind of unclear.

They where there

I think you meant 'were there', you've done this a couple of times so i would watch out for it in the future, also i reckon you have been slightly to enthusiastic with punctuation; one '!' is enough and half a width of '.' seemed pretty unnecessary.

Good though, keep it up!

Hello,

What a first piece this is! The entire piece is so colorful, and your metaphors are phenomenal, but I'm afraid they're so frequent it's hard for reader to see the reality of the situation.

I do have a few minor suggestions:

...They where there. Here brothers and? sisters. There they would call to her.I feel confused here For a while, for a terrified moment she would hear them. The voices, oh the voices, I would change to The Voices! Oh, the voices. she could bathe in them for hours
I'm confused because you say it's a terrifying moment for her, but she could bathe in the voices for hours. Does she like them? or is she scared of them?

... Sentenced to watch her soul slip away until she couldn't think. Until she truly became an animal. Unable to think. It wouldn't be long. But she would fight. She wouldn't let her dusk come. I would take out one of these phrases about her inability to think

She wasn't ready. Not yet. Not now. They couldn't........................... three periods would do the trick and be more attractive to the eye

The sweat and smell of people,I think this would read better as 'the smell of sweat and people' a cacophony of noise thundering through her eyes. A song was bursting from her lips. Her siblings where here. For a blood spattered instance she was whole. Together with her soul. Joy mixed with a measure of sadness permeated from her being. Joy for the ghosts that where her brothers and sadness knowing that they could never be reunited. Ahead a screaming line of demons, bodies convulsing, they stared screaming obscenities, teeth bared ,malicious eyes staring.I find this sentence extremely confusing With a bellowI feel like war cry would suit better than bellow their line lept forward, clawed feet and mis-sized wings crashing with fearsome force. ...

...And then she waswas back in the darkness, watching the grains of time flow through her fingertips. ...

*

There are a lot of places where I think a coma would work best to make her thoughts less choppy.

Anyway! BRAVO! You should be proud.

Thank you for all the kind reviews I've made most of the suggested edits to the story, hopefully that's made it a bit better. As soon as I'm ready I'll get the next bit up. Again thanx