Elemental Thirteen Chap. 1

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Chapter 1

Ember stared at the board, being quite bored herself. She yawned as quietly as she could, but of course her math teacher Mr. Moick heard her.
“Is there something you would like to say to the class Miss Sims? Perhaps you can answer this equation?” Ember sat up straight quickly and stared at the math problem, nibbling her lip until she could taste a drop of fresh blood.
“Uh…X=5,” she quickly guessed.
“Correct.” He scowled at her, and she sank into her chair, sighing.
“Mr. Moick has got it in for me, I swear,” she told her best friend Crystal after class. “I mean, seriously! I yawned, quietly. I was up studying for the Life Science test today! I mean, is that so wrong?”
“Yeah, he does look at you sorta weird. What did you do that made him hate you so much?” Crystal giggled, quickly stopping as Ember gave her the look.
“Its not funny Crystal,” Ember replied. “He’s totally out to get me!”
“Maybe I should put that in the school newspaper,” Crystal said, putting her finger to her lips. “Mr. Jeff Moick, out to get his students!” she laughed and Ember couldn’t help but laugh along.
They stopped as they walked into the cafeteria and saw a girl they had never seen before, sitting in their spot.
“Who is she?” Ember whispered.
“Oh, she’s the new girl, Lilly. She was in my World Studies class. I think she moved down here from Canada or something,” Crystal whispered back. They walked to their table and sat down across from the new girl.
“Hi, I’m Ember,” Ember smiled. She ran her eyes over the new girl, and noticed she was actually quite pretty. Her brown hair was cut to her shoulders, and looked as if it had been straightened. Her eyes were a dark shade of green and seemed to lock yours with them almost instantly.
“And this is my friend Crystal,” Ember finished.
Crystal did a small little wave even though Lilly was only about a foot away from them. “I’m in your World Studies class,” Crystal grinned and Lilly smiled back.
“I’m Lilly,” Lilly’s voice was quiet, but it seemed natural.
“So, where did you move from?” Ember asked.
“I already told-” Ember quickly stepped on Crystal’s foot. She would hate to let this nice girl know they had been talking about her.
“I’m from Alberta, Canada” Lilly said. Now Ember could hear the faint
Canadian accent that hung in the air.
“I bet its pretty there,” Crystal replied, smiling. “Does it snow there?”
“Oh yeah, it does,” Lilly smiled. “But I loved it there. We traveled all around Canada, Alberta was our last stop. But Prince Edward Island was pretty as well.”
“Oh, how quaint, the dorks have finally found a new dork to join their little breeding colony,” a taunting voice said.
The girls looked up into the face of none other than Brooke Weston. Ember’s hands clenched into fists. “Do you wanna have a broken nose for the dance?” Ember snarled, raising her fist.
“Do you want my eighth grade quarterback to come over here?” Brooke trembled slightly with fear as she met Ember’s eyes.
“I could take him, maybe he should bring a few friends. Then we’d be even.”
“Wait till I tell him you said that,” Brooke sneered and walked off.
“Ember,” Crystal scolded. “Please don’t do that, you’re going to get into trouble.”
“I don’t care Crystal. That girl has bugged me long enough. I mean, she acted as if we were cockroaches under a rock!”
“I know Ember, but if you fight fire with fire…well it doesn’t work so well,” Crystal said quietly.
“Crystal’s right Ember,” Lilly began, but she couldn’t finish because a shadow loomed over them.
Ember looked up slightly and saw a tall, dark, but…not that cute of a guy. “Why hello Jim, or should I say Jill?” she smiled cruelly.
Jim cracked his knuckles. “Do you really wanna do this sevy?”
“Of course I do! Wait till everyone hears you’ve been beaten up by a seventh grader, nevertheless, a girl. Boy, will they get a kick out of that or what?”
Jim couldn’t take it anymore. His fist lunged at Ember right into her stomach. She couldn’t breathe for a moment, but as quickly as it had gone, it was back. She stood up straight again and saw looks of amazment from everyone.
Jim looked behind him and she saw her chance. She drove her fist into his chest. He held where she had punched him, his face full of agony.
Ember didn’t know what was going on. She was so full of energy, and wanted…revenge. But…she couldn’t be feeling this way…what was happening to her?
He tried to tackle him but she quickly sidestepped out of the way, him sliding on the cafeteria floor. She kicked him hard on the back, making him groan in pain. “You had enough?” Ember asked darkly.
Crystal stared with disbelief at her friend. “Ember…” she whispered and stared as Jim got up, only to be kicked in the crotch by Ember.
“Ember!” she shouted. “Stop Ember!” But Ember didn’t stop.
“Ember, please! Please stop! You’re going to get in trouble!” Lilly yelled along with Crystal.
Suddenly, Jim had Ember in a choke hold. Ember couldn’t breathe, it hurt. She felt the ground drifting away from beneath her. Ember clawed at Jim’s arms. She kicked and felt him wince but he wouldn’t let go.
“Jim! Stop it!” Brooke was yelling. “You’re going to kill her!”
“Ember! No! Ember!” Crystal and Lilly were sobbing as Ember’s face began to turn purple and her eyes were locking.
Ember took in a deep breath and moved her neck as best as she could, sinking her jaws into Jim’s arms.
He dropped her with a yelp and Ember was on the floor, panting. Her head hurt and she couldn’t see clearly. Everything was a blur…but suddenly she saw someone, standing in the corner. She was wearing a dress of what seemed like flames, and had firey red hair, almost like Ember’s but only less blond. Her eyes were like blue fires, burning in Ember’s vision.
The woman was whispering something, but Ember couldn’t make it out. “What? I can’t hear you!”
The woman was fading and Ember began to try and get up. “Wait!” she called but the woman didn’t stop. “Wait!” Ember cried, but it was too late. The woman was gone.
“Miss Sims!” a voice brought her back to the real world and saw the principal, Principal Robins standing above her. She clutched her arm and pulled Ember up from the ground. Ember stared at the place where the woman was.
“Where is she?”
“Where is who dear?” the principal asked.
“That woman…she was standing in the corner and wearing a dress of fire…”
“You’re delirious. You should go to the nurse.”
“I’m not delirious! I’m fine! I know what I saw! I do!” Ember cried in protest, yanking her arm away from the principal.
“Miss Lits and…” the principal waited for Lilly’s last name.
“Chinston,” Lilly replied.
“Miss Lits and Chinston, will you please take Ember to the nurse?”
“Of course Principal Robins,” Crystal answered and slung Ember’s arms around their shoulders.
As soon as they were in the hall Ember yanked her arms off of them. “I’m okay, really!” she told them.
“Ember, come on, you nearly died!” Lilly pointed out.
“Yeah, and there was no woman, so you must be delirious,” Crystal told her, looking at her friend doubtfully.
“I know what I saw you guys! It was a woman and she was there. I am fine, now stop acting like my mom!” And with that Ember ran out of the school, into the fresh crisp autumn air.
“I know what I saw,” she told herself firmly. “I know it.”
Last edited by Forestqueen808 on Fri Jan 01, 2010 10:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


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Hey there forest! I'm here to review this a bit for you. :D

This could have some potential, but also needs a bit of work. I feel like it could be going in an interesting direction. The only problem I have is the already emerging cliches.

First, Brooke Weston. She sounds like the typical 'mean girl' who is usually just plain nasty for no apparent reason. This type of character is a good one to avoid. Having an antagonist isn't a bad thing, and is actually an important part of a story, but the 'mean girl because I need a mean girl' thing doesn't work. Give her motive, make her real, show the reader why she's not a nice person. And it should be more than the fact that she is the popular mean girl.

I didn't get the guy Jim beating up Ember either. In my experience (especially in what, the 7th grade which is what your characters are mostly in?) middle school boys do not beat up middle school girls. It would make more sense if it was a girl, but then again she'd also need motive. Jim just sprung out of nowhere and started choking Ember, which is completely confusing and utterly uncalled for in the situation.

What I did like was Ember seeing the woman. That is something to go off of. I would, however, like to see Ember getting to the point of seeing this woman differently. Like I said, the whole boy beating up a girl for no reason didn't really do it for me.

Don't forget, your characters are real and should be reflected as such. Try looking at people in real life, write characters with emotions, thoughts, motives, personalities like real people in real life have.

Lastly, if Ember was being choked she would very well sustain a bit more injury afterwards and would probably not be able to recover and run out of the place like she did. Just something to think about.

I'm sorry this sounds a bit on the critical side :oops: but you could bring this up so many levels by considering the realism aspects of everything. I'd love to see more of this, and I hope I've helped you out.

Keep writing, and let me know when you have more up and I'd be glad to help out some more. :D

-Lauren
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Hello Forest Queen,
I didn't see any nitpicks. I would ask why Lilly is spelled with two l's but I'm sure you have your reasons.
The problem I have with this piece is the reality. As we can guess from her name, Ember is probably a hot-tempered person but I doubt that she and Jim would be so quick to get into a fight with one another. Maybe if you elongated that scene, added extra dialogue that makes the reader feel as though, if they were put in either person's shoes they would have started the fight.
Besides that, it seems pretty solid for a first chapter. We get a feel of the characters, though I would hope to hear more from Lilly and Crystal in later chapters, and we get in inkling of fantasy at the very end.
One thing I would say is watch what you do with Ember. Characters like her are sometimes blunt and obstinate to the point of stupidity; so when you continue on with her make sure that her likable aspects outshine these traits; or even better, that she gradually changes her temperament as she matures in the story.
I have little doubt of what element she will be. :smt001 Excited to read future installments.
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Forestqueen808 wrote:Chapter 1

Ember stared at the board, being quite bored herself here, you can explain why she is so bored. Just because school is boring to you doesn't mean that it's boring to others.. She yawned as quietly as she could, but of course her math teacher Mr. Moick heard her Notice that yawning is usually quiet unless you want it to be loud..
“Is there something you would like to say to the class Miss Sims? Perhaps you can answer this equation?” unless Ember said this, new paragraph.Ember sat up straight quickly and stared at the math problem, nibbling her lip until she could taste a drop of fresh blood.
“Uh…X=5 x equals five. Don't use symbols in dialog.,” she quickly guessed.
“Correct,” I see that you completely ignored my lesson on dialog tags.he scowled at her comma and she sank into her chair, sighing.
“Mr. Moick has got it in for me, I swear,” she told her best friend comma Crystal after class. “I mean, seriously! I yawned, quietly. I was up studying for the Life Science test today! I mean, is that so wrong?”
“Yeah, he does look at you sorta weird. What did you do that made him hate you so much?” Crystal giggled, quickly stopping as Ember gave her THE no caps. If you want to stress it, put it in italics at least.look.
“Its not funny Crystal,” Ember replied. “He’s totally out to get me!”
“Maybe I should put that in the school newspaper,” Crystal said, putting her finger to her lips. “Mr. Jeff Moick, out to get his students!” she laughed and Ember couldn’t help comma but laugh along.
They stopped as they walked into the cafeteria and saw a girl they had never seen before, sitting in their spot.
“Who is she?” Ember whispered.
“Oh, she’s the new girl, Lilly. She was in my World Studies class. I think she moved down here from Canada or something,” Crystal whispered back. They walked to their table and sat down across from the new girl.
“Hi, I’m Ember,” Ember smiled. She ran her eyes over the new girl, and noticed she was actually quite pretty Oh schweet! All of our main characters are pretty! Is the fact that she's pretty, important?. Her brown hair was cut to her shoulders, and looked as if it had been straightened. Her eyes were a dark shade of green and seemed to lock yours ours? why are we in the story?with them almost instantly.
“And this is my friend Crystal,” Ember finished.
Crystal did a small little wave even though Lilly was only about a foot away from them. “I’m in your World Studies class,” Crystal grinned If I see this again, I'll hurt you.and Lilly smiled back.
“I’m Lilly,” Lilly’s voice was quiet, but it seemed natural if not, she's a robot!.
“So, where did you move from?” Ember asked.
“I already told-” new paragraph OR say that she got interrupted by Ember's foot. I didn't even know who said that until now.Ember quickly stepped on Crystal’s foot. She would hate to let this nice girl know they had been talking about her.
“I’m from Alberta, Canada” Lilly said. Now Ember could hear the faint Canadian accent that hung in the air.
“I bet its pretty there,” Crystal replied, smiling. “Does it snow there?”
“Oh yeah, it does,” Lilly smiled. “But I loved it there. We traveled all around Canada, Alberta was our last stop. But Prince Edward Island was pretty as well.”
“Oh, how quaint, the dorks have finally found a new dork to join their little breeding colony,” a taunting voice said. Oh Em Gee! A token bully!
The girls looked up into the face of none other than Brooke Weston. Ember’s hands clenched into fists. “Do you wanna have a broken nose for the dance?” Ember snarled, raising her fist.
“Do you want my eighth grade quarterback to come over here?” Brooke trembled slightly with fear as she met Ember’s eyes.
“I could take him, maybe he should bring a few friends. Then we’d be even.”
“Wait till I tell him you said that,” Brooke sneered and walked off.
“Ember,” Crystal scolded. “Please don’t do that, you’re going to get into trouble.”
“I don’t care Crystal. That girl has bugged me long enough. I mean, she acted as if we were cockroaches under a rock!”
“I know Ember, but if you fight fire with fire…well it doesn’t work so well,” Crystal said quietly.
“Crystal’s right Ember,” Lilly began, but she couldn’t finish because a shadow loomed over them. it's not like she couldn't finish, but she just chose to stop talking...
Ember looked up slightly and saw a tall, dark, but…not that cute of a guy What is this? Are we in the mind of a fourteen year ol- nevermind...just go ahead with this, I don't care. -_-. “Why hello Jim, or should I say Jill?” she smiled cruelly.
Jim cracked his knuckles another token bully! Woopdeedoo!. “Do you really wanna do this sevy?”
“Of course I do! Wait till everyone hears you’ve been beaten up by a seventh grader, nevertheless, a girl. Boy, will they get a kick out of that or what?”
Jim couldn’t take it anymore. His fist lunged at Ember right into her stomach. She couldn’t breathe for a moment, but as quickly as it had gone, it was back. She stood up straight again and saw looks of amazment from everyone.
Jim looked behind him and she saw her chance. She drove her fist into his chest. He held where she had punched him, his face full of agony. chest shots do not hurt that badly.
Ember didn’t know what was going on. She was so full of energy, and wanted… ellipse is not necessaryrevenge. But… ellipse is not necessaryshe couldn’t be feeling this way…why couldn't she? what was happening to her I don't know, Jim. What IS happening to her? What is happening with this narration? Why is it asking us questions as if we exist??
He tried to tackle him but she quickly sidestepped out of the way, him sliding on the cafeteria floor. She kicked him hard on the back on the back...where did she learn to pick her targets?, making him groan in pain. “You had enough?” Ember asked darkly.
Crystal stared with disbelief at her friend. “Ember…” she whispered and stared as Jim got up, only to be kicked in the crotch by Ember.
“Ember!” she shouted. “Stop Ember!” But Ember didn’t stop.
“Ember, please! Please stop! You’re going to get in trouble!” Lilly yelled along with Crystal.
Suddenly, Jim had Ember in a choke hold. Ember couldn’t breathe, it hurt seriously?. She felt the ground drifting away from beneath her. Ember clawed at Jim’s arms. She kicked and felt him wince but he wouldn’t let go.
“Jim! Stop it!” Brooke was yelling. “You’re going to kill her!”
“Ember! No! Ember!” Crystal and Lilly were sobbing as Ember’s face began to turn purple and her eyes were locking.
Ember took in a deep breath and moved her neck as best as she could, sinking her jaws into Jim’s arms. I tried, it doesn't work.
He dropped her with a yelp and Ember was on the floor, panting. Her head hurt and she couldn’t see clearly. Everything was a blur… ellipse attack! No!but suddenly she saw someone, first ellipses, now commas?standing in the corner. She was wearing a dress of what seemed like flames, and had firey fiery red hair, almost like Ember’s but only less blond oh Christ! Could they be related? :O. Her eyes were like blue fires, burning in Ember’s vision.
The woman was whispering something, but Ember couldn’t make it out. “What? I can’t hear you!”
The woman was fading and Ember began to try and get up. “Wait!” she called but the woman didn’t stop. “Wait!” Ember cried, but it was too late. The woman was gone.
“Miss Sims!” a voice brought her back to the real world and saw the principal, Principal Robins standing above her. She clutched her arm and pulled Ember up from the ground. Ember stared at the place where the woman was.
“Where is she?”
“Where is who dear?” the principal asked.
“That woman…she was standing in the corner and wearing a dress of fire…
“You’re delirious. You should go to the nurse.”
“I’m not delirious! I’m fine! I know what I saw! I do!” Ember cried in protest, yanking her arm away from the principal. No doubts? So she saw someone wearing flames and she doesn't doubt herself despite being high on a lack of oxygen?
“Miss Lits and…” the principal waited for Lilly’s last name.
“Chinston,” Lilly replied.
“Miss Lits and Chinston, will you please take Ember to the nurse?”
“Of course Principal Robins,” Crystal answered and slung Ember’s arms around their shoulders.
As soon as they were in the hall Ember yanked her arms off of them. “I’m okay, really!” she told them.
“Ember, come on, you nearly died!” Lilly pointed out.
“Yeah, and there was no woman, so you must be delirious,” Crystal told her, looking at her friend doubtfully.
“I know what I saw you guys! It was a woman and she was there. I am fine, now stop acting like my mom!” And with that Ember ran out of the school, into the fresh crisp autumn air.
“I know what I saw,” she told herself firmly. “I know it.”


You had the same problems I pointed out, last chapter. Not only that, but you decided to put it in a high school environment with big bad bullies bullying for no reason, save for the fun of bullying.



Remember when dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and your mom was your hero? Race issues were about who ran the fastest, war was only a car game. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and good byes only meant tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up.
— Unknown