Fire on Water: Chapter Ten

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Happy New Years everyone! :elephant:
The next morning when Mackenzie ‘woke me up’ I was gritty eyed and grumpy. I had probably slept a total of five minutes the whole night, and I hadn’t been keeping company with the most pleasant thoughts. My day started looking up when Mackenzie brought out French toast, and Chloe, Claude, Brandon and I went to the beach together, swimming in the water and having sand fights.
But all through out the time I was playing, my mind was half on Liz, no matter how I tried to think of something else. I thought of how much fun we could be having if she were here, the fact that she would almost certainly hate me for putting her through so much pain, and the thought of how damn beautiful she had been in those pictures, even the ones where she was sick and underfed from having been on board too long.
Chloe and Claude knew I was preoccupied, and so were they. I think they were seeing what the pirates did a whole new light now, in the light of the people whose lives they destroyed. When Claude asked me that night how I could possibly live in this house when the father was a pirate, I understood what he was thinking. He had seen the horror Liz and I had gone through, and he knew it was because of JB and his crew.
If his father was first mate, did that make him a monster? I reassured him sleepily from the blow up mattress next to his bed, and I was out like a light as soon as my eyes closed.
It had been four months and three weeks since we landed, and I felt almost like I belonged here. Samantha and Kyran were like my parents in so many ways, and Chloe, Claude and Brandon were like the siblings I never had. Brandon had warmed up to me when he had caught me doing knife drills and I had begun to teach him.
Of course, I knew Kyran didn’t want his son to be a pirate, so I tried to discourage him, telling him all the horror stories of life on board and what you had to do. Brandon didn’t shrug them off, but he took them in and let those stories form some of the picture he was making of life as a pirate in his mind. He wasn’t going to be discouraged easily, and he was a natural fighter.
Every day I thought about Liz and Mom and Dad, but I managed to hide it better now. Finally, I had come to face the facts: I was never going to see them again, and it would be better for them if they got on with their lives, even if it hurt me. So there. Subject closed. Except when I let myself wonder what I would be doing now if I had gone back.
I was finally relaxing into the rhythm of the island when Chloe came running in excitedly with an announcement: JB was hosting a banquet, where he invited all the crew, their families, and the captains from all the other vessels that were docked right now along with their families. When we finally got there, I waved once to Chloe, Claude and Brandon before standing next to Kyran.
As JB’s crew lined up before him, I saw Kyran’s family’s shock at how I changed and Kyran changed around JB. My whole face locked down and I stared with flat eyes at JB, saluting him stiffly and listening to his instructions for the evening. “You will be very polite to our guest captains. Treat them with highest respect. Understood?” He demanded. We all nodded curtly.
JB came to a stop in front of me, looking at me and grinning slightly. “Ash. You’ve never attended one of these social gatherings before, have you? Remember, you were a prisoner. You are now a crew member, but you are still the lowest ranking.” He got close to my face as I stared straight ahead. To the side, I could see Kyran’s family bristling.
“Don’t do anything out of place, understood? You are to do anything anyone tells you to do. Remember, if you don’t obey my rules I can still go after Liz and your family. How would you like to see them suffer the same fate as Amy and her parents?” He asked, his garlic scented breath biting my nose.
Gritting me teeth, I forced myself to ignore his threat. “Good boy. You learn fast, don’t you?” He slapped me across the face hard, snapping my head back and leaving a red mark on my cheek. Kyran twitched as Chloe gasped, but she knew enough to stay silent. Brandon wasn’t as wise.
“You can’t do that!” He yelled. Kyran flinched as I stared at Brandon in horror. JB padded over to him, smiling.
“Sorry?” He asked, deceivingly mild. Brandon gulped and even from here I could see Samantha’s grip on his shoulder tighten.
“I was talking to Rover, my dog, sir.” He mumbled, pulling Rover closer to him. Everyone saw through his lie, and I saw several people give Brandon pitying looks. JB turned to Kyran.
“This is your youngest son? The one who I’ve been told wants to join our crew when he grows up?” Kyran gave a slow nod, looking pained. “I have an idea then. Brandon will come with us on our next voyage. That way he gets some experience. What do you think?” He asked, grinning.
Samantha gasped but the look Kyran sent her quieted her. “As you wish, captain.” He said flatly. JB smirked as many of the crew shifted, knowing better than to express their sympathy or fear for their families.
Just then the first guests began to arrive and everyone was directed to their seats. I sat with Chloe, Claude and Brandon as Kyran, Samantha and Mackenzie greeted the other captains. “Are you insane?” I hissed, looking at Brandon, who shrank a little in his seat and grimaced.
“I lost control. I couldn’t just stand by and let him hit you.” I shook my head sadly.
“Brandon, the first thing you’re going to learn is that the captain can do whatever he wants. You can never, ever lose control that way again.” I told him.
As everyone seated themselves I saw Samantha put a hand on Kyran’s arm and just barely heard her whisper, “Can’t you do anything?” Her helpless tone made Brandon flinch with guilt. Kyran only grimaced and shook his head as JB began to speak.
“Welcome, my esteemed guests. It is my pleasure to eat and talk in peace at the banquet. We have long been a loosely bound family, and it is my hope that this night is the first of many where we tighten those bonds and grow united. Please, enjoy yourselves.” He sat down once again as the chatter began, and I ate quietly, watching as the captains got more and more drunk with every passing minute.
Chloe was silent for once, and Claude and Brandon were deep in their thoughts, which looked none to pleasant. Kyran was distracted as he talked to the other first mates, and I noticed that though he raised his glass to his lips, he never swallowed. We were both waiting. Something was going to happen, I could feel it in all my scars. They were tingling, almost as if they were trying to warn me of something.
Everyone around was drunk except Kyran and his family, the children, James, Danny and Sam. The last three were following Kyran’s lead, and from the glances we exchanged, they knew something was up too. I was beginning to relax my guard when it happened.
JB stood up, glaring at another captain. “How dare you speak that way to me? My crew is the finest there is! In fact, I am fit to be king over all of you!” he boomed, obviously drunk beyond belief. Kyran, James, Sam, Danny and I were on our feet in an instant as the other captains rose.
“What are you saying? I’ll kill you now, you—“ He drew his gun, but I had already twisted his arm and made him drop it into my hand. Kyran spoke urgently to JB.
“Captain, you must apologize. You know the reaction to threats on this island, and the price that everyone pays.” The other captains were drawing their weapons drunkenly as JB scowled and pushed Kyran aside. Kyran couldn’t interfere much because of the power JB held over him, and he watched helplessly.
“I do what I want! You heard me, all of you. If I ever decided too, I would be king here!” he hollered. James, Danny and Sam helped me subdue the outraged captains.
“He doesn’t mean it…. Drunk…” We murmured to no avail. All the captains were now cursing and screaming at each other, and now the other pirates were getting the their feet, swaying drunkenly. Kyran took stock of the situation in an instant.
“I’m taking JB away! Get the families away and protect your own.” He ordered. James and the others scattered as I waded through the drunken crowd to find a terrified Samantha, a rock steady Mackenzie and three scared children. Cursing, I turned and blocked a knife headed for Brandon, who yelled in fear.
“Move!” I ordered, lunging to kick someone who had grabbed Claude. Taking their sleeves, I tugged urgently. Samantha screamed and I whirled, blocking a club’s downward swing with my knife before slitting the man’s throat. Chloe and Brandon stared in sick horror while Claude helped his mother up.
“You… you just…” For once Chloe was speechless. I pushed her out of the crowd and drove the butt of my knife into a man’s temple.
“I said move!” I grabbed Brandon’s sleeve and yanked him out of the fight and next to Chloe before roughly lunging at the man who was going to stab Samantha and driving my knife as hard as I could into his chest as she fainted. I felt the horror that came with killing coming on, but I shoved it back. Now was not the time. I handed Claude his fainted mother and pushed him towards the others.
Mackenzie grabbed a fallen man’s club and swung it hard into another man’s skull before running to the others. I shoved my way through the fight, lifting Samantha onto my shoulders and beginning to run, leading the others to their house.
“All right! Claude and Brandon, lock all the doors and windows. Chloe, wake your mom up. She only fainted, don’t worry. Mackenzie, you’re in charge.” I headed towards the door, but Chloe stopped me.
“Where are you going?” She asked fearfully, her face white.
Smiling at her, I opened the door. “To fight. Stay safe, all of you.” I ordered before sprinting back into the fight. The other captain’s crews had come running, and there was a huge brawl. The non pirate women and children were stuck in the middle, many of them falling under drunken blows.
Cursing, I jumped in and grabbed a little boy who was going to be trapped under a man’s falling body and placed him on the side before plunging back in. There was a teenage girl, crying and holding on to her little sister’s hand. I picked up the sister and grabbed the other girl’s hand, pulling them to safety and deflecting any blows aimed at us. The terrified children collapsed next to the first boy I had pulled out, and Sam came through the crowd, pulling behind him three children.
“Stay here!” He ordered them, giving me a grim smile before heading back into the melee. To my left and about twenty feet forward a drunken woman pirate was slashing at five screaming children and their mother. Bounding over, I stuck my knife into her back and threw her aside.
“Take your children over there!” I yelled at the mother, pointing to the other huddled children. She hurried to comply. I felt a line of fire across my back and turned to face a huge drunken man with a knife. He had been too drunk to stab me straight through the back.
He lunged at me again and I ducked, feeling sick to my stomach at all the death around me and not wanting to kill anyone else. The man stumbled and fell, landing on his own knife with a sickening squelch. Turning away from him and repressing the bile that was building in my throat, I spotted Kyran. I guessed that he had dropped off JB, but now he was surrounded by five men.
I sprinted over and rammed one of the men in the stomach, knocking him out with a dagger hilt to the head. Kyran took out two and I faced one of the two left standing. He lunged towards me, and I moved to the side at the last second, receiving a cut on my side. I winced but used it to my advantage, falling to my knees. When the man came in for the kill, I surged up and punched him hard in the gut, pressing my thumb hard into the base of his skull and knocking him out.
Turning, I saw that Kyran had a long cut on one arm that was bleeding freely, and he had switched his knife to the other hand. Before his opponent could take advantage I snapped out a hard side kick to the head. The man went down like a rock, and I didn’t check to see if he was dead or just unconscious.
“Kyran, you won’t be able to fight effectively like that! Call our crew off!” Looking around, I saw that most of the fighting had already died down as some of the pirates had called off their crews and others had simply run. Women and children were huddled together and crying as the last hundred or so fighters went at it.
“Fighters of the ‘Fire on Water’ draw back!” Kyran bellowed, seeing the sense in my words. With that, our crew peeled away and scattered, and Kyran and I did the same. As we ran to his house, I pressed my arm hard to my side, trying not to pass out. There would be plenty of time from that later. Right now my back and side had to wait. Kyran wouldn’t be able to run with me, not when one of his arms was useless.
“Your family is safe… at the house.” I panted out as we sprinted. Kyran nodded in relief, not bothering to waste precious oxygen on speaking. We finally came to stop in front of his door, and Kyran walked in ahead of me. Chloe and Claude were sitting with Mackenzie, worry written all over their faces. A pale Samantha was holding Brandon close to her.
When we came in everyone stood up, relief making them smile. “Thank goodness! We were so scared…” Samantha trailed off. “Kyran! Your arm!” Kyran waved it off.
“I’m okay, it’s nothing mother can’t sew up. Ash on the other hand…” Samantha and Mackenzie hurried over to me as I sank into a sitting position on their floor. Kyran disappeared and came back moments later with a first aid kit.
“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine… I always am…” I murmured hazily, smiling slightly. That’s what Liz always said whenever something happened. With that final thought I allowed myself to pass out.
I woke up in a strange bed and feeling very stiff. Groaning, I tried to turn over and found that I had bandages over my side. Chloe burst into the room. “He’s awake!” she shouted out into the hall. “Oh my god, Ash, that was scary! All the fighting, and you were a really good fighter, but then you came back, and your shirt was covered in blood on the side and all on the back, and grandmother sewed you up pretty well but you were really pale and she said it was because you lost a lot of blood and—“ I cut her off, knowing that if I didn’t she would just keep talking.
“Calm down, Chloe. I’m fine, obviously.” I winced as I tried to sit up and Claude rolled his eyes as he came in.
“Oh, of course.” He mimicked me, gesturing to show blood everywhere. “Don’t worry about me, it’s no big deal, just a scratch—ka plunk!” he dropped onto the floor in a pretend faint and grinned at me. I rolled my eyes.
“Thanks Claude, I needed that.” I told him. He just laughed.
“Oh, don’t worry, it was a very manly swoon.” I glowered at him and Chloe laughed before growing serious.
“Dad is gone for the day and probably all night with JB, because he has to go smooth things over with the other pirates. He said to tell you not to strain yourself, but he also said that knowing you, you would anyway.” Chloe took a breath to go on, but I cut her off.
“Okay. Well, I actually feel really good. Did you save any breakfast for me?” Brandon came in, grinning and pushing a small trolley with pancakes, syrup, fruits and orange juice. I dug in ravenously.
“I love you, Chloe! Tell Samantha and Mackenzie that I love them too… this food is great.” I looked seriously at Claude. “You better thank your lucky stars all the women of this family cook and you don’t have to do it yourself.” The last time he had tried to make waffles he had almost burned down the house. Claude scowled at the reminder and stole a strawberry from me.
“Why thank you, Ash. I’m glad to know that you love me for my cooking.” Chloe rolled her eyes, and I rephrased.
“Well, of course I love you. I love this whole family. You’re my big sister.” I grinned impishly at her, and she had to smile back.
“Whatever. Finish eating and then go back to sleep. It’s actually four in the afternoon all ready, so this is a breakfast/lunch/dinner for you.” She told me. I stared out the window at the sun, shocked at the time.
“Okay.” I finished scarfing down the food and tried to get up to put my plate away, but Claude pushed me back into his bed.
“Come on, invalid. You stay in bed. We’re staying in a different house for a while, for our own safety, apparently.” I gritted my teeth, hating the thought of being so helpless.
“But I thought you said I was all sewed up!” I protested.
“You are, and grandmother is a wonderful nurse. But even with her sewing and all the ointments, you need to wait at least twenty-four hours before really moving around. Her stitches will hold, but it will hurt you.” Brandon said quietly. Groaning, I subsided onto the bed and closed my eyes, not really thinking I was going to fall asleep. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was out.
It was still dark when I woke up again, and Claude was snoring in the blow up bed next to me. Something was wrong, I could feel it. Looking out the window, I saw them. Five men were coming towards the house. Repressing my groan of pain, I sat up and snapped my knives into place, shoving my feet into combat boots. Whatever was going on, I was going to be ready. I slipped out into the unfamiliar hall and then outside, careful not to make a sound.
I couldn’t help thinking back on Mackenzie’s palm reading. So far something had happened that involved JB, and now when it matters, I was ready, yet the others were unaware. I shivered with hope and fear, wondering whether the rest of the reading would come true. Of course not. Since when have you been so superstitious? I demanded myself.
I went around the building carefully, to where I had seen the other men. When I was almost done with my circuit around the house, I saw it: an open window. They had already gotten in. I cursed and jumped recklessly through the window. Gasping in pain, I fell to my knees for a moment. I had forgotten about my side and back.
Just as I surged to my feet, I smelt it: gasoline. Horror filled me as I realized what was happening. I had seen it the night Liz and I had tried to escape: they were trying to burn us alive. I ran clumsily down the hall as I saw the first flames, throwing open the first bedroom door. Samantha and Mackenzie were sound asleep, blissfully unaware of the smoke that was filling the halls. Already my skin felt dry and hot, and I hurried over, shaking them both awake.
“Ash? What is it? Why aren’t you in bed?” I ignored Samantha and Mackenzie’s queries.
“Move! The house is burning!” I yanked them to their feet, wincing at the sharp pain in my side. “Come on!” I shoved both of them towards the window, and Mackenzie opened it and climbed out onto ground level before Samantha.
Turning, I ran back down the hall. Here, the flames were licking up the walls, and to my horror I saw that Chloe and Brandon’s room was burning. Yelling and hoping they would hear, I kicked open the burning door and ran in with my arm raised in front of my eyes, trying not to scream as my side burned with pain. “Chloe! Brandon! Get up! Fire!” I yelled.
I saw them start awake and I went directly to the window. The frame of the window was already burning, and the plastic handle had melted. Cursing, I punched straight through the glass, ignoring the pain from the shards of glass that pierced my skin. Grabbing a book of the side table, I knocked out most of the shards of glass still in the frame before literally picking Brandon up and throwing him out on the ground.
Thanking my lucky stars that all the bedrooms were on ground level, I hauled a coughing Chloe to her feet and out the window, gasping at the pain in my side. “Your mom and grandmother are outside too! Find them! I’m getting Claude!” I yelled at them, seeing the fear clearly in Chloe’s eyes.
The whole doorway was burning now, but I ran through anyway, dodging the worst of the flames and throwing open Claude’s door. Claude was already up, but his window was stuck. He turned to me fearfully and coughed, unable to speak through the smoke. I threw his lamp through the window and shoved him through, hoping that he didn’t land on too much glass. Once outside he began yelling. “Come on Ash! The house is gonna collapse!”
I was halfway out the window when I heard it: Rover was barking from Brandon’s room. Claude heard it too, and I heard him curse. “Ash, come on! I’m sorry about the dog, but the house is going up!” I hesitated for a moment before turning around and racing back to Brandon’s room.
Rover’s tail caught fire just as I came in, and he let out a pained howl. I ruthlessly stomped on his tail until the flames went out and picked Rover up, grabbing the end of the leash he was wearing. Now blood was trickling down my back, but I ignored it and ran to the window, dumping Rover out of it. He ran around outside barking like mad, and I jumped out after him.
Going around to the other side of the flaming house, I saw all the others gathered round. Samantha was on her cell phone, desperately talking to what appeared to be a fire brigade. I handed Rover’s leash to a stunned Claude and turned, sprinting away. “Wait! Ash, where are you going?” He yelled after me. I ignored him, fury powering my legs even as my side started to bleed.
The men who had torched the house were just ahead, I could see their dim outlines as they sprinted away. Breathing hard, I pushed myself harder and picked up a small branch that had fallen from a tree. Taking aim, I threw it hard and heard a satisfying clunk as it collided with the first man’s head. He went tumbling down and the others fell over him.
Running over to them, I quickly tied the first three together with the rope every crew member kept in their belts. The fourth man got to his feet and tried to attack me, but I kicked him hard in the head. He went down, unconscious, and I tied him to the others. Now the fifth man tried to run, and disgust built upon my anger. I hated cowards.
Running after him, I jumped and landed on his back, driving my thumb into the base of his skull. He yelled, trying to shake me off, and I pushed harder, knocking him out and dragging him back to the others. When they were all tied up I dug around in my pockets for the emergency whistle Gage had given me so long ago. When I found it, I brought it to my lips and blew.
It only took five minutes for several men from different crews to arrive, and they took the men silently, not bothering to be gentle. It was one thing to challenge a pirate to his face and declare a fight, quite another to go after his family when he wasn’t home. Even the men from their crew treated them with disdain. I followed them back to the burnt down house to see JB, many of the other captains, Kyran and the other first mates standing there, looking absolutely furious.
Kyran hid most of his emotions, but no one blamed him when he ran to his family and swept them up into hugs. When he turned to me I saw that his hands were shaking with relief and I nodded at him. “These are the men who tried to kill your family.” I told him, stepping aside to reveal the five tied men. Kyran stepped forward, his face like stone, but JB stopped him.
“These men are not of our crew, and we have no jurisdiction over them. However,” JB turned to the other captains. “I trust that the captain of these men will punish them appropriately. Will you not?” A lithe black man stepped forward.
“These men are mine. They did not have orders to do this, and they knew the laws. I find it despicable.” Here he turned to eyes the men coldly, and they shrank beneath his glare. “That these men would attack an innocent family in the dead of night when they have no one to protect them is the act of the worst kind of coward. You are very fortunate to have this loyal young man with you.”
Now he turned to look at me, examining me curiously. Kyran spoke, looking at me. “You’re bleeding again, Ash. Do you not want to let mother patch you up again?” He asked. Mackenzie stepped forward and took my hand as he continued. “Thank you. First you save my life and then the life of my family. I am in your debt.” He nodded solemnly at me and I shifted uncomfortably under the impressed eyes of all the captains and their first mates.
“You’re welcome.” I murmured, not knowing what to say. Mackenzie led me away and took my shirt off, inspecting the damage.
“Goodness, child, you have a knack for hurting yourself. I think you’ll be okay in a couple days time, but honestly.” She fussed over me like a mother hen as Samantha came over to me.
“Ash. Thank you for what you did. I can’t tell you how… honored I am to have you in this house.” I blushed slightly, looking down at my feet. “I would be even more honored if you considered our house your house for as long as you stay with JB. I already think of you as a son, and I know Kyran thinks of you the same way.”
I looked up at her soft face as she smiled gently at me, and I felt suddenly as though something were stuck in my throat. I blame it on shock. “Um… thank you.” I stuttered, unsure of how to let her know how much it meant to me. I wasn’t an outsider to this world anymore. Though Mom and Dad would always be my real parents, now it was as though I had two sets of parents, and I loved both sets.
Samantha nodded and smiled as the others came over to me. Claude and Chloe had singed hair and sooty faces, and Brandon’s normally fair hair was dark with ash. “Wow. I think my dad got really, really lucky when he picked you to go find a water source with him. I mean, you saved all of our lives at least twice, if you count the bear attack, the fight, and the burning.”
Chloe kept on talking and I listened silently until Brandon recovered enough to tell her to shut up and give us some peace. I was just tired now, and the pills that Mackenzie had given me were making my eyelids very heavy. The last things I heard before I fell asleep were five definitive, jarring gunshots. The captain had disciplined his crew.

So... what did you think? You know you want to click the 'reply' button! :wink:
'I didn't know that I could ever forgive him for everything he'd done to me. Now that I looked back on it, that he'd put a child through such torment seemed even worse. But right now, it wasn't him I was forgiving or thanking. It wasn't even about him.
I was forgiving myself.' -Speak Into Silence




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Hope you have a pleasant and joyful year as well, Caitlin. :D

Ooooh, I knew you included the palm reading for a reason. So, you revealed a part of your plot there. But the point is, you shouldn't have mentioned Ash remembering that Mackenzie's palm reading had, to that point, become true. Because it sort of reveals the plot. Mention it in the next few chapters.

Mistakes

But all through out the time I was playing,

I really think there is something wrong in this sentence, but I just can't place it. It might be the word 'all' or the word 'out'

I think they were seeing what the pirates did a whole new light now

It should be, "Did in a whole new light now"

I could possibly live in this house when the father was a pirate

'When their father'

when he had caught me doing knife drills and I had begun to teach him.

It should be, "and I began teaching him" Because I assume he's still teaching him.

Every day I thought about Liz and Mom and Dad

This is, 'about Liz, Mom and Dad"

You can never, ever lose control that way again.

It should be, "You should never, ever loose control that way again"

which looked none to pleasant

'none too pleasant'

Everyone around was drunk except Kyran and his family, the children, James, Danny and Sam.

You don't necessarily have to mention his children because, when you mention his family, it included his children also or were you talking about all the children there?

“How dare you speak that way to me?

I think its more better to say, "How dare you speak to me that way?"

“Stay here!” He ordered them, giving me a grim smile before heading back into the melee.

I think it's giving them, and not giving me.

“Oh, of course.” He mimicked me, gesturing to show blood everywhere. “Don’t worry about me, it’s no big deal, just a scratch—ka plunk!” he dropped onto the floor in a pretend faint and grinned at me. I rolled my eyes.

I laughed so hard that my father came up and asked me if I was delirious. :lol:

You better thank your lucky stars all the women of this family cook and you don’t have to do it yourself.”

I think this sentence is missing a 'because' between 'stars' and 'all'

Taking aim, I threw it hard and heard a satisfying clunk as it collided with the first man’s head. He went tumbling down and the others fell over him.

I know that he had trained a lot, but I doubt that anyone can have that much of luck and skill.

Kyran stepped forward, his face like stone

I think you can elaborate by saying, "his face looking as if it was carved out of marble"

Here he turned to eyes the men coldly, and they shrank beneath his glare.

I think its 'when he turned' and its 'stare at the men coldly' not 'eyes'

then the life of my family.

It should be, "lives' not life.

I felt suddenly as though something were stuck in my throat.

'was stuck in my throat.'

Cliches

Every day I thought about Liz and Mom and Dad, but I managed to hide it better now. Finally, I had come to face the facts: I was never going to see them again, and it would be better for them if they got on with their lives, even if it hurt me. So there. Subject closed. Except when I let myself wonder what I would be doing now if I had gone back.

This whole part sounds cliched now, because its been used in almost all the chapters except the first one. It kinda gets boring to read the same thing over and over again. I know that Ash is feeling this kind of pain over and over again also, but it gets uninteresting when you repeat it so much.

Description

I love how you described everything perfectly. I really feel that I'm in the story with Ash running around with him and the other children. A really good quality I found in all the stories you have written. Well done.

Overall

I liked the whole I idea of making the palm reading come true, but as I've mentioned at the top, I really don't think it's a good idea for Ash to be thinking that they were starting to become true. Its more better for the readers to find out for themselves, when they read this.

Well, so far so good. I hope, as I always do, that you would post more that twenty or so chapters more. :D

Good luck :D
Last edited by Chirantha on Thu Dec 31, 2009 4:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Warden: "If you want to lead, all you have to do is ask."
Alistair: "What? Lead? Me? No, no, no. No leading. Bad things happen when I lead. We get lost, people die, and the next thing you know I'm stranded somewhere without any pants."
- Dragon Age

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Alright . . . that was intense. Probably the most intense chapter yet. It's amazing how you show Ash developing into a fighter. But he might be becoming a little too heroic. I wouldn't push that any further if I were you. Like, right now it's okay. You did a very good job at making even a situation like that seem real. Hopefully in the next chapter there will be a little break. This was so intense I feel as almost exhausted as Ash! Which, come to think of it, is also good. You're making us readers feel for the character.
So as usual: Good job. Keep writing and post more soon!
Looking for someone who won't disappoint you?
Look to Jesus.:)



“If you come at four in the afternoon, I'll begin to be happy by three.”
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince