Angels And Vampires-Part 4

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3355
Reviews 29
“Lexus!” A shrill voice shouted in my ear, sounding still silky even with the loud volume. She shook me with her long-fingered hands. I had already been half awake, the freezing blanket of snow under my back not disturbing me. It was just the silence, it disturbed the way I thought and dreamed. But, still, I had slept in a lot worse.
My feet scraped against the ground as I got up, my hands rubbing my eyes which were still adjusting to the morning light. It had been a long time since I hadn’t woken up in a city. The hills in the distance were dotted white, but the morning sunlight had already started to melt it. This made it look stunning.
Last night had been the most interesting night of my existence, but was also shrouded with despair and fear. I mean, why was she hiding so much from me? I had told her all about myself, so it would have been polite for her to have told me a little bit more. There was just something about her, which compelled me to get to know her but also wish to run away. It was just a distant reflex at the back of my mind. She had given me some new clothes, including a new pair of denim jeans and a button up cotton t-shirt, all from the heavy backpack on her back that seemed to carry a lot of weight. She didn’t look distressed by carrying it all the time.
After stretching and kicking over the ashes of the burnt out fire, we started to walk through the rolling hills again. It was cold, overcast, and rain clouds hovered over the horizon. Today was going to be hard. Tempest didn’t seem to eat much, but smiled when she saw me devour anything she gave me. No wonder she was so thin. This made me point back to the possibility of her being human, as humans always watched what they ate in the hope that it would make them more beautiful. If only they knew the laws of immortality.
Her eyes weren’t as bright as they had been two days ago; they didn’t have the same shimmer. The gold had became a light hazel and the emerald a dark green. It was just something about her.
“You have to eat something this morning, Lexus. We have a long way to walk.” She turned her head as she said this, but her feet kept walking forwards. There wasn’t a step out of place as she did this; she kept a sustained amount of elegance.
“If you say so. But what about you? Surely you must be tired by now.” I said this quietly, I didn’t want to get on her bad side. Yes, it was true that we had a long way to walk, and the air grew drier with every step. The temperature was sustained at 70 degrees Fahrenheit at the most, even in the middle of the day. Food in my stomach would make me feel a lot better.
“I’m not tired, I’m thirsty. Leave me alone, I didn’t sleep well and I’m snappy.” Her voice was sharp and final, in a way that it wasn’t meant to be replied to. Still, a ‘sorry’ uttered out of my lips. She didn’t tell me where we were going, and I didn’t want to ask. It was like I was a burden to carry around. But why did she pick me up in the first place then?
When I was little, and at home before I fell, I was a very lazy child. Everything got done for me as my parents were direct descendants of the elders of our country. I hardly ever had to do anything for myself, yet I liked to run through the lush green hills behind my home and laugh at how the animals played around me. The sky was always black and wonderful, some stars much larger than the others, large enough to see the blue supernovas emerging inside. This meant that walking for twelve hours a day didn’t cause me to be out of breath, I was just tired.
The wind was light, only a few heavy touches blowing my hair in my face occasionally. I closed my eyes to cherish the winter’s breath, but then the steady pace of Tempest’s steps in front of me stopped. My eyes opened. Her right leg was curled behind her so she was crouched low to the ground. Mahogany hair blew across her face, revealing a pair of eyes the color of the purest of jet or the darkest of onyx. She growled softly through her teeth, but the sound struck fear into my bones.
“T...Tempest?” I asked quietly, taking one small step towards her. The wind was still hanging in the air. Her nose was flared like she had caught a scent in the air, and a smile was across her lips. It didn’t disguise the growl that was under her teeth. Her head snapped to the side so quickly that I flinched, and her neck cocked it to the side. She looked intrigued. Then, with a quick growl, she lurched for me.
Last edited by forgottenfallen on Tue Jan 05, 2010 1:59 pm, edited 7 times in total.
He was just one of the forgotten fallen...one? Maybe the only. All he knew was that if anyone another angel had fallen someone would have come and helped them up.

Oh gosh Maths has never sounded so good : "Lexifer"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5407
Reviews 75
This is very interesting, but i like it. At first, I was a little, unsure. But it's grown on me, and I like it.
But I totally knew that she was going to turn on him! She's going to eat him, or try too! I knew it, I knew it! Haha, good job, keep it coming, I'm ready.
The heart wants, the body needs, and the mind suffers. - me




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2695
Reviews 13
Forgotten,
Once again... excellent piece of work you've written. Basically the same things I had pointed out before, still the name Lexine I picture a girl, when I know it's a guy. Lol. Very good. Very interesting, I like it. Good job, keep writing, lol. ( I read this out of order, I went 1,2,3,5,4.. Idk how to count ... jk)
-Mackenzie
whether they start good or bad, Every good writer starts somewhere




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3189
Reviews 27
Hey forgottenfallen, sorry I didn't review sooner. Let's see...
the air got more dry with every step.
I'd change to 'the air grew drier with every step.'

You use 'tiresome' twice, and I think 'tired' would be better. Tiresome literally means 'causing weariness, annoyance, or boredom' and I don't think that's what you're going for :P Tired, on the other hand, means 'in need of rest or sleep, or weakened and made less active by exertion', and I think that IS what you're going for :)

get on the wrong side of her
might be better as 'get on her bad side'

“I’m not tired, I’m thirsty. Leave me alone, I didn’t sleep well and I’m snappy.” Her voice was sharp and final, in a way that it wasn’t meant to be replied to. Still, a ‘sorry’ uttered out of my lips.
A couple things here. One, people rarely flat-out say "I'm snappy", but that might just be your character, hence there would be nothing wrong with it. The third sentence should be a new paragraph--remember, every time a new character speaks is a new paragraph (you've got that on all the others as far as I can see thought! :smt023 ), and uttered just doesn't seem like the right word to use. Maybe 'snuck out.' would be better

Everything got done for me
try Everything had been done for me. See which you like better.

12 hours a day
Many people have said to write out numbers, something I myself still struggle with. But I'd recommend it! :)

I was just tiresome. The wind was light
Separate with a paragraph.

stroke the wild animals
sounds funny to me. I dunno, but I pictured this little cartoon Chibi prancing through a field in an apron and patting deer as he went by. So yeah, sort of weird to me :P Maybe change stroke to play with or something. ;)

My eyes opened. Her eyes were wide open, her right leg curled behind her so she was crouched low to the ground. Mahogany hair blew across her face, revealing a pair of eyes the colour of the purest of jet. A quiet growl emerged out of her teeth.
Repeat of open and eyes could easily be change (maybe not eyes, but open at least). Take out the second sentence, or at least the first part of it. Personally, I spell it color, not colour, but both are grammatically correct, so it's not a big deal. But the way you describe her eyes... I know what you're after, but saying 'of the purest of jet' doesn't seem right; maybe try 'of the darkest onyx' or something (you ARE after black, right?). Also, say something like 'She growled softly through her teeth.'

The air still wasn’t still.
Huh? Wacked out sentence if you ask me! Not sure how you can fix it, but I'd definitely try.

she lurched for my pale bare neck
'she lurched at me' would sound less obvious I think. I know sometimes obvious giveaways are good, but I disagree in this case. I'd say, you gave us some hints, but you want to keep us guessing so we want to keep coming back.

Sorry to be so... harsh! I really did like it though. :P But hopefully I helped at least SOME! Well, I'm off to review part five for you now! :) Good job, good luck with more, and goodbye for now! :P

~Addict
I gave up telling people I hear voices. So now I talk to the voices instead.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30278
Reviews 482
Here I am with part 4!

forgottenfallen wrote:“You have to eat something this morning, Lexus. We have a long way to walk.” She turned her head as she said this, but her feet kept pacing Sounds too weird. "Stepping" or "walking" works better. forwards. There wasn’t a step out of place as she did this; she kept a sustained amount of elegance.
“If you say so. But what about you? Surely you must be tiresome Haha okay, "tiresome" is more along the lines of a feeling of being either bored or annoyed by something; you're needing the word "tired" in this context. by now.” I said this quietly, I didn’t want to get on her bad side. Yes, it was true that we had a long way to walk, and the air grew drier with every step. The temperature was sustained at 70 degrees Fahrenheit at the most, even in the middle of the day. Food in my stomach would make me feel a lot better.
“I’m not tired, I’m thirsty. Leave me alone, I didn’t sleep well and I’m snappy.” Her voice was sharp and final, in a way that it wasn’t meant to be replied to. Still, a ‘sorry’ uttered out of my lips. She didn’t tell me where we were going, and I didn’t want to ask. It was like I was a toil A word like "burden" would work better. to carry around. But why did she pick me up in the first place then? New paragraph here--> When I was little, and at home before I fell, I was a very lazy child. Everything got done for mecomma as my parents were direct descendants of the elders of our country. I hardly ever had to do anything for myself, but "But" is used to contradict something; you're not really contradicting anything. This is really just an add-on to what you were saying before "but." I liked to run through the lush green hills behind my home and laugh at how the animals played around me. The sky was always black and wonderful, some stars much larger than the others, large enough to see the blue supernovas emerging inside. This meant that walking for twelve hours a day didn’t cause me to be out of breath, I was just tiresome. tired. ;)
The wind was light, only a few heavy touches blowing my hair in my face occasionally. I closed my eyes to cherish the winter’s breath, but then the steady pace of Tempest’s steps in front of me stopped. My eyes opened. Her right leg was curled behind her so she was crouched low to the ground. Mahogany hair blew across her face, revealing a pair of eyes the color of the purest of jet jet black, you mean or the darkest of onyx. She growled softly through her teeth, but the sound struck fear into my bones.
“T...Tempest?” I asked quietly, taking one small step towards her. The air still wasn’t still. <-- Eh? Confusing bit right here. Her nose was flared like she had caught a scent in the air, and a smile was across her lips. It didn’t disguise the growl that was under her teeth. Her head snapped to the side so quickly that I flinched, and her neck cocked it to the side. She looked intrigued. Then, with a quick growl, she lurched for me.


Ooooh trouble! Look forward to reading more!
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle



Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
— Carl Sandburg