I Told You So

Usually I don't believe in superstition, omens and signs since I was a born Christian and mother told me that when you believe in signs you're sinning. She used to scare me like that. But now I think, I should have read those signs.
How many times have they told me to stop? How many times I've ignored them? I knew it, I'm as stupid as my father was when he realized that I was his son. I know I've told you I was a Christian but I'm also a-
"Hypocrite" A voice behind me finish my inside voice. I looked around and something I can't describe was heading towards me. I knew at that instant that the man whose voice had spoken awhile ago was God. But how could that be? I'm not in heaven, that's for sure.
"You're not" He said "You're in the middle of earth and heaven."
"So, I'm not yet dead?" I asked him. That's impossible, I'm dead, I'm sure of it. I've died a few hours ago because of a fight.
"Nothing's impossible, my son." He said. "If you have watched closely, you're not yet dead." He pointed at a far cloud. It was was me, unconscious, but not dead. I was still breathing, I can see it from the way my chest is going up and down.
"How could that be?" I didn't looked at Him when I said this. How could I possibly alive, well clinically dead (I presume). I looked at Him and He looked at me. "I've done lots of pretty bad things, Father." Father. I've never used that word before. "So," I paused for a long time, "am I going to hell?"
He looked at me and said "If you're going to hell then you should have been there instead of here where there are second chances." Second chances? Are you giving me a second chance? I didn't said it aloud. "Yes. But before that I would like you to look at this." He pointed again at the cloud afar. It was my father and he was crying. I've never seen my father since I was a child before I started devoting my life to fighting. I used to think it was because of him that I've started fighting. It's not boxing, it's just fighting. I was my own gang.
"I hate him" I said but not to God. "He ruined my life!" I was very angry. I couldn't control myself. I knew that I was talking to God but somehow those words just escaped my lips.
"You don't hate him. He was just stupid" He said but when I didn't calm down he pointed to the cloud again. "Look." It was my father again but it was not at present. "Look how he cared for you even after he left you and your mother." I was looking at a scene where my father is writing a letter:
"'Dear Son,
I don't know what to say. I'm sorry.'"
But when somehow he couldn't mail it to me. At that time I could have been somewhere where my mom is taking me. We moved a lot so that my father wouldn't find us.
Then another vision appeared. It was my father attending my High School graduation. My mom seeing him and confronting him:
"What are you doing here?" My mom said to him. "I told you not to see him ever again!"
My father didn't say anything but just left.
"It goes on and on, son" God said. "Aren't you still convince or do you want me to show you all of the times you thought he wasn't there but in fact he was?"
"No." I said. And at that time I wanted to go to my father and hug him. I wanted to hug him and apologize to him.
"Don't think that you could leave just yet. You know, you've been a bad kid." He said and then he look down on me. "I'm giving you a second chance, son. There is just one thing I'm asking from you."
"What is it father?"
"When you go back, down there, I want you to spend your life helping others. You go back to the people you've almost killed and- you know the rest."
"Yes, I know."
"Now go."

-end-

Janine: Sorry about it being so emo. I feel down today and this is my first entry. Feel free to criticize me. I love you all. I don't think the title fits in with the story.

Hi there,

Okay, so my big question is, why? Why does God give this kid a second chance? You don't explain that at all. I mean, sure you say that God wants him to help people, but, why this kid specifically? I also found myself believing, despite being repeatedly told otherwise, that the main character was a girl. If you really want him to be a guy, I suggest that you put in more body language. Girls seem more real when you use internal monologues, and boys seem more real when you use physical descriptions. I read that somewhere. Like, when he's angry, don't say, "I was angry," say, "My throat constricted and I felt pressure in my head," or, "I dug the dull edges of my fingernails into my callused palms" or something like that. Dig? Anyway, think through God's reasoning and the MC's reasoning. Not a bad start. PM me with any questions.

Thanks for the advice. Hahahaha. I'm sure to remember that next time. Thank you so much for reading this.

Hey there Janine. Welcome to YWS! *Hands cookie*

I have to ask you a question first. Is this a chapter of a story or is it just a short story. Because I thought there's something more to come. More after this I mean.

Mistakes

Usually I don't believe in superstition, omens and signs

Substitute 'usually' with 'normally' and add a comma after it.

I was a born Christian and mother told me that when you believe in signs you're sinning.

Should be 'my mother' Another thing is, make this another sentence by separating it from the first one and cutting the word 'since'

How many times I've ignored them?

Should be, "How many time have I ignored them?"

A voice behind me finish my inside voice.

This should be, "A voice behind me finished my thoughts."

"So, I'm not yet dead?

It's, "So, I'm not dead yet?"

"I've done lots of pretty bad things, Father."

Change this to, "I've done a lot of bad things, Father."

Are you giving me a second chance?

Have this in 'italics' as its a thought.

At that time I could have been somewhere where my mom is taking me.

Should be, "where my mom had taken me"

He said and then he look down on me.

'At me' not 'on me'

Descriptions

Well, the point of descriptions is to make a story more beautiful to the reader. They reach out to them and touches their mind, ensnaring their senses, making them feel like they are a part of that story. If you think of it this way and read your story, it would immediately seem really boring. Because, you haven't included a single descriptive sentence in this story. It was just dialogues and paragraphs until you finished what you had in mind. It would have been much more better if you had included a lot of description in the story.

Title

Nope, the title does not suit the story at all as you had said. It makes the story seem a little childish, although what you have written was anything but childish, so I suggest you make a more nicer title that this one.

Overall

I kinda liked the advice given through this story. A good story in my opinion.

And again, welcome to YWS!

Have fun!
Well, good luck.