last words

This is a short short story, and it's dream-like, not at all real. Please tell me what you think!

Green grass and blue sky mocked them.
She raised her hand and laid it on his rough cheek. "These are the last words," she said to him. Katrina couldn't wrap her own mind around that fact. Or was it more her heart? He clasped her wrist gently.
Wistfully she stared into his face, so similar to her own. With her little white hands, she memorized him. The rough planes of his tanned face, the shadow over his lips, the steady, trained gaze of his heavy black eyes. He sighed. "Everything is gone..."
He suddenly wrenched himself away, and Katrina's hands, which a moment before had been running through his long, black hair, fell sharply to her sides. She did not look away, but stared at him, a blaze in her eyes.
"You said you loved me. And I kind of believed you."
"Is this it?"
"Forever." Her words startled him. Forever. They meant so much more when they were one, instead of this grotesque parody of two separate people they did not know how to be. Even standing this far apart felt alien, unnatural. Like they were missing limbs.
"These are the last words," he echoed. Could forever be true?
How to say goodbye? Nothing. Nothing. They looked at each other, not hungrily, but softly. Unspoken were their goodbyes. Fog in the air, flitting shadows on their faces, a dim, slow tune in the background, these were their goodbyes.
Goodbye.
Farewell.
Leave without saying words.
And in some distant chamber in the back of her mind, or was it her heart? She could never tell. In some part of her, she thought of the future, of where they would exist without each other. Where they would walk without feeling each other, sleep without dreaming of each other. Act without thinking of the other. They would part, and live. How would they live? How?
Forever.
And then they were gone. The world fell into place between them, upside down and irregular.
Forever.

Hi there Margaret! *licks ear*
Okay, right away, I just love things that are based on dreams. After all, the only place that can ever bring more inspiration than the real world is the dream world.

"These are the last words," she said to him.

I’m confused here. Is this really supposed to be dialogue?

Wistfully she stared into his face, so similar to her own. With her little white hands, she memorized him. The rough planes of his tanned face, the shadow over his lips, the steady, trained gaze of his heavy black eyes. He sighed.

This is a great chunk of physical description without it being over bearing or just dumping a bunch of facts on the reader.


Okay, for some unexplainable reason, I fell in love with this but I can still see a lot of flaws to it. Maybe I love it for the flaws. I never understand why.
One thing is the fact that it’s very bare bones. You have a great idea, but I think you could do a billion times better with this whimsical idea you’ve created if you delve into the setting or answering this one little question that really plagues me… “Why, if they obviously care about one another, are they leaving each other?” Characters have to have a reason for their actions. People can do things on impulse. It’s not so cool if characters do it.

One last thing I want to comment on is the little one word paragraphs. Be careful when you use them because if it’s not done properly, it can feel repetitive. You’re leaned that way a little but it wasn’t too overbearing.

I did like it though and your word choice was fabulous. It just needs some filling a think. Overall, it definitely worth a gold star!

~lilymoore

hello this is blue bell


I Loved your story but the only problem was that how could the people who are reading this tell why were these there last goodbyes. Sorry if I'm sounding mean. I'm just trying to help you need to really edit that romantic story. so like make sure when you editing it just make sure you just tell people why are they saying there last goodbyes and where the story is taking place. and who are the characters. OK? sorry if I'm sounding really mean just trying to help.

Hi Margaret!

One of things I found weird was that they really didn't want to seem separated! So I have to wonder... with everything gone, why would they separate from each other? After all, if you only have each other, wouldn't you cling on to what you have?

Just an idea. I want to see a more convincing reason why they should separate forever though!

Good luck and happy writing!

The way its written is good
But I think the story needs to be developed a little more. For example, why are they separating?
Other than that, I think it's really good.
Hope I helped

I really really liked this Great work.
The only thing is, why are they seperating?

It seems like every reviewer has asked the same question: why are they separating? It's funny, because I wrote this for a friend of mine, who split up with her boyfriend after over two years of near-perfect happiness. This was my reaction to it. I never understood why she broke up with him on a whim. I asked her once, and she said it was because she just wanted to be free; she still loved him. So, I guess that's the answer. Thanks for all the reviews, and I'm definitely going to edit this soon to include some of those reasons, seemingly inexplicable.