Dictator [Short Story]

Well, here is something I wrote a month or two ago. It's the third draft.

I did it again. I had to do it again.

I walked down the dirt road, my legs tingling and my fingers twitching. The jerking had stopped once I had achieved my prize—an old man’s wallet, soft and sweet smelling.

Halfway to my destination, I began to leaf through the pocketbook; there didn’t seem to be any valuable items in it. The object itself, however, appeared to be quite expensive. It looked and smelled like real leather, not just the cheap knock-offs that most merchants sold.

I was just about to empty my prize of its useless contents when a pungent scent filled the air. It resembled the smell of blood, sweat and metal mixed together. I soon realized that, while I was musing over the amount of money I might achieve, I failed to notice the shadow of a large man standing in front of me. I looked up at the obstruction cautiously, and my heart nearly stopped at the large stature of a man with his beefy hand on the hilt of his sword.

I had been caught. Boy had I been caught.

I dropped the pocketbook and raised my arms slowly, daring myself to take a peek at how many guards were coming up behind me, weapons at the ready, a wicked smile hidden behind their helmet. I imagined the possible hundreds of men coming up behind me rejoicing inside, thinking that they’re about to catch the town’s number one Most Wanted.

“I wouldn’t move if I were you,” the burly man in front of me said, his voice made deep and muffled by his helmet, “or you will be slaughtered in a shower of arrows.”

He stood his ground, staring intently at me through the slits of his sallet, waiting for my well-known audacious behavior to get the better of me.

“You know you can’t spell slaughter without laughter, right?” I commented, unable to keep myself in check.

I heard the man chuckle and witnessed him unsheathe his sword; he began stroking it from hilt to tip, tauntingly. Callused skin rubbing against smooth steel emits an ugly scraping sound, I thought, wrinkling my nose.

He thrust his sword into the air and I felt the guards behind me tense. Oh, he’s the leader then, or at least the commanding officer, I noted.

“Attack!” the leader bellowed, completing the desired command.

My ears perked at the sound of heavy footsteps pounding into the ground behind me, accompanied by the rattling of armor.

That’s when I felt my foot twitch and the muscles in my leg tense up again. I prayed to whatever god there was that it didn’t happen here, not in front of all the Dictator’s men who could report to him the truth about my condition.

“You know,” I began, trying to ignore the increasing tingling sensation in my legs. “Since you have the upper-hand, I would just like to attempt to run away before your men kill me.”

Nothing happened; the heavy footsteps kept approaching at a faster rate than before, bringing along the life-threatening danger.

My hand jerked forward at the echoing sound of swords unsheathing and arrows being pulled from their quivers to be notched expertly.

This involuntary, uncontrollable condition of mine was going to be the death of me.

And I was the one who wanted it in the first place.

I've decided to be as constructive as possible with this ;]

I did it again. I had to do it again.

I walked down the dirt road, my legs tingling and my fingers twitching. The jerking had stopped once I had achieved my prize—an old man’s wallet, soft and sweet smelling.

Halfway to my destination, I began to leaf through the pocketbook; there didn’t seem to be any valuable items in itTry 'seem to be anything of value in it'... flows better. The object itself, however, appeared to be quite expensive. It looked and smelled like real leather, not just thetype of cheap knock-offseliminate that most merchants sold.

I was just about to empty my prize of its useless contents when a pungent scentodor or smell would work better. It's all about diction! filled the air. It resembled the smell of blood, sweat and metal mixed together.Awkwardly worded. Try 'It was like blood, sweat and metal all mixed together' I soon realized that, while I was musing over the amount of money I might achieve, I had failed to notice the shadowwhy not just the man? I'd say he would be more noticeable than a shadow of a large man standing in front of me. I looked up at the obstructiondoes this really fit? cautiously, and my heart nearly stopped at the large staturechange to 'sight of' of a man of large stature, with his beefy hand on the hilt of his sword. 'Whose hand was hovering above the hilt of his sword'

I had been caught. Boy had I been caught.

I dropped the pocketbook and raised my arms slowly, daring myself to take a peek at how many guards were coming up behind me, weapons at the ready, a wicked smile hidden behind their helmet. I imaginedthis is kind of awkward. Try replacing it all with 'imagining' and seeing how it flows with my other edit's the possibleeliminate hundreds of men coming up behind me, rejoicing inside, thinking that they're were about to catch the town’s number one Most Wanted.


“I wouldn’t move if I were you,” the burly man in front of me said, his voice made deep and muffled by his helmet It would really only be made muffled. So try 'his deep voice muffled by his helmet', “or you will be slaughtered in a shower of arrows.”

He stood his ground, staring intently at me through the slits of his sallet, waiting for my well-known maybe 'famously'? audacious behavior to get the better of me.

“You know you can’t spell slaughter without laughter, right?” I commented, unable to keep myself in check.

I heard the man chuckle and witnessed him unsheathe 'watched as he unsheathed his sword;should be a period. The two are clearly separate sentences He began stroking it from hilt to tip, tauntingly. Callused skin rubbing against smooth steel emits an ugly scraping sound, I thought His callused skin rubbing against smooth steel emitted an ugly scraping sound, I observed, wrinkling my nose.

He thrust his sword into the air and I felt the guards behind me tense. Oh, he’s the leader then, or at least the commanding officer, ((Italics!)) I noted.

“Attack!” the leader bellowed, completing word choice? Maybe 'ushering' the desired command.

My ears perked at the sound of heavy footsteps pounding into the ground behind me, accompanied by the rattling of armor.

That’s when I felt my foot twitch and the muscles in my leg tense up again. I prayed to whatever god there was that it didn’t happen here, not in front of all the Dictator’s men, who could might? report to him the truth about my condition.

“You know,” I began, trying to ignore the increasing tingling sensation in my legs. “Since you have the upper-hand, I would just like to attempt to run away before your men kill me.”

Nothing happened; the heavy footsteps kept approaching at a faster rate than before, bringing along with them the life-threatening danger.

My hand jerked forward at the echoing sound of swords unsheathing and arrows being pulled from their quivers to be notched expertly.

This involuntary, uncontrollable condition of mine was going to be the death of me.

And I was the one who wanted it in the first place.

I really liked this! I think your main problem was syntax and word choice, two things that can be pretty hard to get. You just needed to make your sentences flow a bit more. It can get pretty bumpy at times.

I like the story itself, however. Maybe be a little more specific about his condition, though. What I got was that he had some problem (or gift, from what the last line implied?) that made him either steal impulsively or jerk his limbs... I couldn't be sure if either were true, or if it was something else entirely.

Anyways, back to me really liking it. I really like it! Haha. I liked the idea. I just need more background and such to help me comprehend what it's really about

Hey Mentalist.
As promised, I shall review your marvellous piece of work. I hope my review will seem slightly up to par of those of YWO.
Shall we get started?

I. Nit-Picking

I walked down the dirt road, my legs tingling and my fingers twitching. The jerking had stopped once I had achieved my prize—an old man’s wallet, soft and sweet smelling.

~This was actually hard for me to understand in the beginning because when you read the first sentence, you just think this guy is nervous and then there is random stuff about receiving a prize. I would actually recommend you making it more clear that he had pick-pocketed the old man. Maybe even say that as he was walking down the dirt road, people were around him. When you said dirt road, I thought it was isolated, and I didn’t know if there was actually anybody around him, so I was very confused about where he got the wallet.

~Now of course, this whole beginning could relate to his ‘power’ you were speaking about near the end with how his legs were tingling. If that is so, it may get the readers incredibly confused. I don’t know what his power is yet, or how it works, so I can’t really give you ideas on what to do here. If you post up more of this story which reveals his power, then I might be able to help you get an idea.

I looked up at the obstruction cautiously, and my heart nearly stopped at the large stature of a man with his beefy hand on the hilt of his sword.

~The reason why I have a problem with this is because through the rest of the story, I was unsure if the guy in front of him was armoured or not, which made it very hard to picture this character. In the end, it reveals that he is helmeted, so I would assumed he was full armoured, but at this point, I would think you could point out that he was armoured, maybe describing it a bit to get the point across.

I had been caught. Boy had I been caught.

~I love this line. I have felt this way, many a times, that is for certain.

weapons at the ready,

~Closer to the end, it proved that their weapons weren’t ready. They still had to nock their bows and unsheathe their swords. This is only a thought, but it is a misleading thought, so you can change it if you want.

a wicked smile hidden behind their helmet.

~When you say ‘behind’ their helmet, it seems like of awkward to me. I would recommend rephrasing it to something like ‘beneath’ or even just ‘by’. Whatever works, right?

the town’s number one Most Wanted

~I pointed this one out because it kind of seems like your repeating things to me. Like you say ‘number one’ which means he is the one that the town has been after, and is their top priority, and then you have ‘most’ which means close to the same thing, though it can be taken as that he is one of the top guys their after. It is a bit confusing, so I recommend that you rephrase it, but you really don’t have to. It is just kind of awkward to read for me.

I heard the man chuckle and witnessed him unsheathe his sword

~This is just a recommendation, but for me, I think I would have been more threatened if he had he sword drawn from the beginning. That way, you really are intimidated by him. If he was wielding a weapon in the beginning, it would give an obvious reason to stop and make you on your toes. It is just pretty much an intimidation factor. Think it would be more effective if he had his sword out when he first stopped the main character.

“Attack!” the leader bellowed, completing the desired command.

~Don’t you think they would want to capture this so called, most wanted, alive? That way they could bring them in front of the person in charge of the whole town to be properly dealt with? Attack might mean that, but it seems kind of odd to me because attack seems like they have the attention to kill. And what is stopping this guy from just grabbing the kid, throwing the main character over his shoulder and walking away? There is nothing really threatening about the character to be treated this way, but if there is, you should make that known to the reader, to help them get a better understanding for the story.

Nothing happened; the heavy footsteps kept approaching at a faster rate than before, bringing along the life-threatening danger.

~How far away are they from the kid? They must have gathered pretty far away to be taking that long at a full run. And then there is also the confusion of how many people is actually there. It makes me wonder because there wouldn’t be hundreds of them, probably not even close to that number. And it also makes me wonder, so many of them are coming from the back, and there is only one in the front. Why wouldn’t they surround the kid instead of giving the main character escape routes, like trying to run to the sides, or at least quickly get around the commander. It is just a tad bit iffy for me.

My hand jerked forward at the echoing sound of swords unsheathing and arrows being pulled from their quivers to be notched expertly

~Jerked to do what? Or is this a consequence of his power? I think you should try to make things clear when you say things like that to help with the confusion that reader may get.

I love the last line by the way. Talk about cliff hanger.


II. Grammar and Punctuation

Boy had I been caught.

You just need a comma after ‘boy’ is all.

daring myself to take a peek at how many guards were coming up behind me, weapons at the ready, a wicked smile hidden behind their helmet.

The only reason I picked this out is because in the beginning you are stating the many guards and start describing them and how they will have their weapons ready. Then in the next part you describe only one. It seems kind of off when you read it. I recommend just pluralizing ‘smiles’, ‘helmet’, and removing the ‘a’ before wicked.

waiting for my well-known audacious behavior to get the better of me.

I am not quite sure about if this word is spelt right where you are from, but in Canada it is ‘behaviour’. It has an extra ‘u’. Though Canada does tend to do that; add a ‘u’s in words.

Callused skin rubbing against smooth steel emits an ugly scraping sound, I thought, wrinkling my nose.

It doesn’t really matter, but I would like for you to emphasize if it is a thought or not. You can easily do that by putting it in single quotes or putting it into italics, or both.

III. Characterization

I love your characterization, which is part of the reason why I adore your story. Your main character is brilliantly made. It makes you really feel like you can connect to the character, which I find awesome. The only thing I want to comment on in this part, is what gender is your character? I am totally confused right now, I am out of my wits. If you could clarify and make sure that is clarified somewhere in the story, it would be awesome.

Now here is the one thing I want you to work on. I want you to get into describing the characters to get the reader to understand what they look like. It is incredibly hard to picture, but by the end, I was able to pull away that the guards were armoured and helmeted. Some of the details came in too late, like the details of the commander, and how he was actually armoured. I didn’t know that through the beginning because I was unsure of kind of story this way. You just need to find the right moments to get those details in, and you had a really fine moment which is the one that I commented about in the Nit-Picks.

Then, even though your piece is in first person, I think if you could just try to get in a bit of what the main character looks like, it would be awesome. It is an incredibly tricky thing to do, and I find that I even have that problem too. But try to find little moments when you are writing that you can sneak one of those little details in and make it easier for the reader to picture.

IV. Writing Format

You have excellent grammar and punctuation by the way. Your sentence structure is marvellous too. Though there is a couple things I want to comment on. The first one is your paragraphs. They aren’t wrong, per say, though they seem kind of odd to me. I think it is because some of your paragraphs are closely related, so they can actually be one paragraph. I want you to check through your story, and if you see any new paragraphs that seem to fit in perfectly with the paragraph before it, I would recommend you making them one paragraph. It just seems odd to me. An example of this is the second last paragraph and the last line which was a paragraph. I knew that could possibly be because you want to emphasize the last line and make it more dramatic and impacting, though it is incredibly intertwined with the line beforehand. You can change that one if you want to, but you don’t actually have to.

Now the second thing I want to comment on is that I would like to see a bit more description of the setting, that is for sure. I didn’t get much of their surroundings. All I got from it all was that the main character was on a dirt road in the beginning, then the setting got lost. All you have to do is get a few details here and there in your story, that way people can easily picture it. It would piece together, almost like a puzzle. That is something that I kind of missed about your story.

V. Overall

Overall, I love your writing. I already told you that I want to marry this story, and have an illegitimate child with it, even though it technically wouldn’t be illegitimate, because after all, we did it nice and proper and married first. But anyways, you have outstanding punctuation and grammar. I pleasantly surprised, that is for sure.

Your story is certainly something and has crazy amounts of potential. I believe this story could become something. You just need to work on those few things that I told you about, like the setting description, and getting some details about the main characters appearance. And get the gender in their somewhere, because I am sick of avoiding the times when I have to say ‘she’ or ‘he’ or ‘her’ or ‘him’. You get the point right.

I really liked your characters and there is something about your writing that I find refreshing and enjoyable. So keep righting, and I will be sure to read more of your work.

kaythnxbai,
~Incognito

Very helpful reviews, I'll be sure to make the changes and clear up things in my next draft. Whenever I get around to writing it.

Hi Mentalist!

I just wanted to ask a bunch of questions which will hopefully be helpful.

First of all, I kind of think it's strange. He's a pick pocket and they're sending an entire army after him? Why? Does he need an entire army to stop him? Why not just a small task force of highly trained warriors? Has he done anything to deserve it? Has he escaped them before? Has he offended a particular person? Someone rich, of course, but who did he steal from? A dictator? Is this why he's getting this entire army after him? Does he know this? Is that why he stole from the guy? Did he steal something particularly valuable, besides the pocketbook? What? Did he not recognize the value of that something and consider it useless? If so, what was it really?

Why does the leader stop and wait for the pick pocket to make a couple of witty comments? If the pick pocket is really that bad, why doesn't the leader just kill him? Why are the guards using arrows as a means of attack? Arrows are long-range ... swords and stones would be far better for this sort of thing since the pick-pocket is at close range. Plus, that way they can surround him instead of having to chase him, which gives a better feeling of imminent death.

Leather is cheap? Why? What's used instead? Some sort of leaf or husk? I'm guessing it's not a synthetic material, as they're using swords and not guns or anything else that requires chemical modification. Also, cheap knock-offs generally require some sort of chemical modification... what the blazes are you referring to as far as materials go? And yes, this is important to me because I'm a biochemical engineer and this is a field I've researched and could get into.

Why is he the town's "#1 Most Wanted"? My town is pretty sleepy and yes, thievery does get on the front page, but we still have our share of murders and abuse cases. Why aren't they getting that status? Does murder/rape/cruelty/betrayal/deception simply not exist in this world? Why? And this is mostly a problem because you didn't mention the people who should be the most wanted. If you were being sarcastic and mentioned these guys, there wouldn't be this problem.

So yeah. Not your typical critique, but hopefully that will help you! The story is written very well... you have a very nice style! There's just some large gaps of description in your story that seem a little strange... hopefully if you expand, it'll be better.