Cat Steps [2]

Ranya went to the screen and peered through. “It’s Hasin! I see him!”

Our mother pulled her back. “Remember your place Daughter. The Prince would not want to hear about his future wife bouncing like a child at the sight of her brother.”

Ranya slowly moved away from the screen. I rubbed my fingers together and refreshed my memory on the potency of gossip. How I had forgotten that on the road, I wasn’t sure. At least I remembered it now and not after a few days.

Our elephant kneeled in the center of the courtyard. Our mother got out first, as was her privilege. Ranya was next, followed by me. Hasin stepped out from the pavilion that surrounded the courtyard and went to meet our mother first.

While I waited for my turn to arrive I looked at my surroundings. The courtyard had been decorated for our arrival, with sapphire and ruby coloured banners everywhere to honour both the Crown Prince and my sister. Sapphire was the imperial family’s colour, ruby represented the Shiras.

I sensed a seriousness creep into the surrounding air and looked back at my sister. I could tell she was watching her every word and movement; her words sounded like those of a empress’, not a seventeen-year-old’s. I stayed slightly behind, thankful once again that my sister was undergoing this marriage and not me.
Hasin finished talking to Ranya and came to me. Before I could open my mouth he had me in a bear hug, lifting me off the ground. I wrapped my arms around him, glad to be near him again. Tension in my shoulders I hadn’t even known existed melted away. I let my magic take in his presence; he was the only one that didn’t care to use me as a spy. I was just another sister to him, no different from Ranya.

“Cat, it’s nice to see you again,” he whispered, pulling away. I smiled at hearing him say my nickname. He always made it sound like a title.

“Likewise.”

He smiled and let me go. We wouldn’t be able to talk here; he had spent enough time with me already. Anymore and protocol would be violated. In front of our mother, that was just not acceptable.

“I’m sure you’re all tired from your journey,” he said to us all. “The Emperor made sure that your rooms would be ready for you. If you will just follow me…” he trailed off, beckoning us down a hallway.

Hasin stopped in front of set of double-doors marked with a feather. I raised my eyebrows. That feather was a Phoenix feather. The goddess of the sun and women marked all the empress’s positions.

Ranya gasped in shock. “Hasin, I—I couldn’t take this. I’m not going to be empress for years!”
Hasin chuckled. “This is not the Imperial suite, although I’m sure it’s almost as grand. This is the room where all Imperial brides-to-be have spent their time before their weddings.”

Our mother smiled. “A fitting place for you Ranya.” Her demeanour suddenly became worried. “Where will Kerani be positioned? I want them as close to each other as possible.”

He took out a key and opened the doors. “There is a servant’s suite inside these rooms. I made arrangements with the Emperor and, he agreed to let Kerani stay in them.”

I bit my tongue to keep my disappointment inside and off my face. I was glad to be near Ranya; it would be easier to keep her safe that way. I just wished I had a space that was detached from her quarters. I had grown used to some distance between my family and myself. But, at least I had my own space to retreat to.

Ranya and I entered the suite, Hasin continuing on to show our mother her rooms. I raised my eyebrows at the main room of the suite, trying not to let my jaw drop. The back wall had the Phoenix made of gemstones, flying over a field of fire. There were couches around a table in one half of the space, and another pair of couches facing each other in the other half. To the right was a private garden; I could hear water splashing over rocks from outside, reminding me of the fountain I used to spend time next to in Hurime. The thought of spending time in that garden made me feel a little less homesick.

I glanced around and spotted several doors clustered on one wall, with another door closer to the garden. Guessing that the door in the corner would lead to my room, I opened it.

I had expected worse from servant’s quarters. This room had a bed along one wall, a pair of wardrobes along another. The only thing I didn’t like was the lack of windows. But, if I left my door open I could see the garden from my bed. I saw steam rising from behind a screen and smiled. A bath would be wonderful after two weeks on the road.

Before plunging into the water I stuck my head back into the main room. The door closest to the garden was open, and I could sense Ranya was getting more overjoyed by the minute. I smiled almost automatically.
I walked over to her open door and knocked. “Need anything?”

She sat up on the bed, surprised. “Just because you’re in the servant’s quarters doesn’t mean you have to wait on me hand and foot! Do whatever you want until Mother comes to fetch us.”

I chuckled. “You mean come to dress you. Alright, I’ll be past the door in the corner.”

She waved me off and continued to explore the room, going into another entrance to the garden. I chuckled again and went back to my room. She had, oddly, been worried about her privacy. Seeing how much space she had to herself was making her giddy. Her joy seemed to be rubbing off on me.

Before stepping into the waiting bath, I quickly checked to make sure all my clothes and jewels were in order. Once I was satisfied they were, I stripped and sank my body into the tub.

I sighed as time ticked by. I would be attending this meeting tonight, watching from the shadows to notice the Imperial family’s first reactions to Ranya. Hasin and my mother would be the only ones negotiating the marriage contract with the emperor himself. The only reason Ranya and the Prince would even attend was to sign the final contract. Even though the Prince was eighteen he still could not make such a choice on his own. I sank deeper into the water. I was sure Ranya would keep me up half the night asking questions as to what I sensed from the Prince.

I reached for a vial of scented oil by the tub and poured it over my hair. The smell of jasmine and almonds filled the small room. I inhaled contently and tilted my head back. I would have things to do later, but, for now, I was content to let the past two weeks float away from my memory.

*

A/N- Comments on characters and description are mostly what I'm looking for here. Enjoy!

Guess who’s back, back, back;
Back again, gain, gain,
Lily’s back, back, back…okay, I’m too white to be doing that so I’m just going to review.

Nitpicks

Remember your place Daughter.

There should be a comma before ‘Daughter.’ However, this particular line of dialogue does feel very forced. Maybe just nixing it would be better. I’m not completely sure.

her words sounded like those of a empress’,

should be ‘an’ not ‘a’

The thought of spending time in that garden made me feel a little less homesick.

‘That’ is so ambiguous. I’m not entirely sure if you mean ‘this new garden’ or if you talking about the old garden though I’m fairly sure that it’s the new one. I would maybe change ‘that’ to ‘this new garden’ or ‘this imperial garden’ or even ‘this new, imperial garden.’

Kerani
Again, I’m faced with wondering if Kerani has any real flaws. I mean, she’s selfless, she’s sympathetic, she is willing to protect her sister over having her own happiness. I would honestly point you towards point five of this particular article. You’re trying to make these characteristics that seem rather positive and spin them as bad. She’ll need real flaws.

Description
I actually don’t see any problems with your description. You have a wonderful way of not overdoing it but not underdoing it either. *snugs*

I hope I could be some help Rosey.
~lilymoore

Hi Rosey,

It’s refreshing to read something that is fundamentally well-written. The writing here is clean and readable, and I enjoyed the world-building. And I think that’s why I feel dissatisfied overall -- this story is good enough that it could be much better.

Here’s the problem. It’s slow. Kerani spends most of her time sitting around thinking: it’s just a way to relate world-building, backstory and exposition to the reader. We rarely escape outside Kerani’s head into the real world, and even then it’s mostly for low-key stuff like parental complaining or accommodation arrangements. There’s little excitement or drama. Early on I thought that the narrative was building up to an assassination attempt, since the risk of assassins was repeatedly mentioned, but that threat fizzled out into nothing.

I suspect the underlying problem is a lack of conflict. In the 2500 words you’ve posted so far, nobody is fighting for anything. We have a few minor worries about protocol and irritating family members and so on. Apart from that it’s all comfortable and easy and relaxed. At its heart, story is about conflict -- sympathetic characters fighting to reach goals they desperately want. I’m not seeing that in your story right now.

Have you considered opening with not just fears of an assassination attempt, but an actual assassination attempt? I wonder if that would be more tense, dramatic and exciting. Characters who seem bland during quiet, low-key scenes might seem more compelling in moments of high drama.

Two notes about the writing:

1. The description feels weak to me. You tend to choose bland descriptive words like “thick” and “fat”, and the verbs are all “to be” or “to have” verbs. The trick to striking description, I find, is to choose dramatic descriptors and punchy action verbs -- which usually involves rephrasing sentences from passive to active. You could also work in a little more imagery, eg similes and metaphors. Quick example, totally not in your voice but just to illustrate description techniques:

Original = The hinges had been polished, and the wood was freshly stained.
Action verbs + simile = The hinges gleamed, and the freshly-stained wood burned a deep red where the light caught it, like the heart of a fire.

2. Redundancy. I noted early on that the writing felt repetitive. A rule of thumb for writing is that you only get to say each thing once, so you have to do it well. Ideas such as the mother’s assassination fears are repeated several times, and I think that a single strong instance would be more powerful than just saying it over and over. I suspect you could trim this piece a bit.

Ultimately, I feel that while the writing is readable and the world-building is interesting, the opening scenes are maybe not as compelling as they could be. If I were making revisions to this, my priorities would probably run like this: 1. more drama, conflict and excitement; 2. less sitting around thinking; 3. less redundancy; 4. better description. I'd also beware of telling through narrative summary what could be more effectively shown during a scene.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,
Karsten

PS: I’ve also attached the story with line edits.

Hey Rosey, I happened upon this story and thought I might add my two cents. While I think your descriptions are wonderful and I can imagine myself alongside the characters, I think your characters need the most improvement.

As Lily pointed out, the protagonist doesn't have any real flaws. Plus, we have no idea what any of your characters look like. You don't have to info dump us with descriptions, but you could weave in the color of Kerani's hair, or what Ranya's eyes look like. Does their mother look old or is she a youthful looking mother? What do their clothes look like? I personally feel like a person's fashion sense tells us so much about them as a person. Explore this in your story, without dumping us with too many details.

I am excited to see some conflict in the next few chapters, as Karsten pointed out, it is lacking. Hope this helped.

Hi Rosey! I'm getting around to this sooner than I did part two!

So, I think this part is much better than the first one. I was better able to get a feel for who the characters were and began to empathize with them a bit more. I don't think you need to be told that's a good thing.

Your narrative and description are just fine. I'm having a very hard time finding anything wrong with this portion of the work as it is.

So, if you want to find anything specific about what I thought about this, you're going to have to ask me direct, since in a general sense this is good. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice