Young Writers Society

red on black
blue on gold
and not a drop to drink
one
three
six
five
dance to dust
drink the moon
and wear the sun around your finger
for the picture of a face that launched
a thousand painted ships of words
if you rise high enough
into the ground
you may find the lion
who speaks in the flowers
sky in the mirror
pretty little nightmare
kiss me once
shame on you
kiss me twice
shame on me
and you may bury this star i found
or keep wisdom in your pocket
and tell your favorite tree
the queen of raindrops offered you a sapphire
you think
therefore i am
if you dream loud enough you can hear
the goblins singing

while this poem has some quite lovely lines in it, like this:

"you may find the lion
who speaks in the flowers"

and this

"or keep wisdom in your pocket
and tell your favorite tree"

and on the other hand you've got lines barrowed from literary cliche, which sort of stick out and remind the reader 'oh, yes, this is a poem.'

It also feels very all over the place, almost as though you set out to put together as many 'poetic' things as you could in one small spot. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing -- when I was your age, I wrote quite a few poems like that. But a few years later I went back and looked at them, and found them unsatisfying. I found myself chucking out whole stanzas and going back to the original ideas behind their inception.

I just find that as a reader, it's hard to feel you connected much to a poem when it's all totally opaque, or seemingly disconnected.

But don't feel discouraged, it seems obvious that you do have a knack with words. you do have some very nice phrases in there. I recommend looking through it while thinking of which ideas were the ones strong enough to make you want to write them, and might deserve more emphasis.

I really enjoyed this. It may not be perfect but I feel like that was kind of the point you were trying to make. It's dreams, and dreams don't make sense and are all over the place, and that's what makes them inherently beautiful, and worth remembering.

Only thing is that I felt like it was just sort of all imagery, and that may not be a good thing. If there was more of a focus to the piece, a message or direction or central idea, then that may tie all the imagery together and make the reader think, as well as enjoy the pretty pictures.

Good work!

Hey Warrior Princess!

I actually really liked this poem! It was rhyming and in a weird way, which totally reminded me of Alice In Wonderland... always a good thing!

I do agree with Sabine though... I would like to see some more original lines from you. What original lines you do have are really pretty and interesting and, what can I say? I'm always a fan of that. More is better in this case!

Anyway, like the poem and I hope to read more from you!

I also really like this poem. I always wonder about cliche words in poetry because when I see them in a poem like this I wonder if the writer is simply running out of things to say or if they are parodying reality with their well-worn phrases. It's almost as though their put there to remind you where you are.
BUt while this is a charming thought, I always opt for original lines. They just have so much more power, more pizzaz. Some things to think about when setting out to do your next piece.
Great poem. Hope to see your poetry more often.
Keep writing and dreaming,
THe UNiverse

ello gumdrop! i shall review ur work today and i hope that u will enjoy this as much as i do! ok lets begin first off i love the fact that you use very creative words it really keeps the reader wondering where its going. Also i would like to i love the line that talks about the the kiss me once shame on you kiss me twice shame on me. But i also i would have to agree with sabine this poem does seem disconnected. and well thats my review see it wasn't so bad and now i shall sail away on my ship and reveiw other poems


*BeCcAbErRy*

Greetings I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer for this one, I'm changing my usual style. I shall first note I actually really like, it's extremely abstract, but it's not overloaded with images. Perhaps some of it has cliché lines, but to be honest, this is normally the thing I point out. I couldn't find too many, sure it's convoluted but it had a profound beauty with it and some wonderful lines. if I could have one answer, what do the numbers symbolise they're not in any particular order and they seem important, but for life of me can't work it out. These are the lines I loved:

dance to dust
drink the moon
and wear the sun around your finger
for the picture of a face that launched
a thousand painted ships of words

I just love how surreal they are, they are gorgeous, but also make some sorta of sense. So while being abstract it does seem to have a logic to it all.

Overall: I like this, and though it's not perfect, I still think it's good enough for a like. Great job and be sure to keep eye out for your poetry.

Congrats.

Wow, this truly is a very different sort of poem than I am used to reading. Kudos for being unique and yet cliche at the same time, as others have pointed out. To be honest, I don't really have much to say that someone else hasn't pointed out already, except that I wasn't a fan of these first few lines:

red on black
blue on gold
and not a drop to drink
one
three
six
five

They aren't bad, but they don't really resonate with me, while the rest of the poem does. If they mean a lot and I'm just missing it, by all means keep them in, but if they are as random as they appear, perhaps you should come up with some other beginning to this piece.

Overall, this poem was splendid. Certainly not perfect, or life changing, or anything of that nature, but it casts a certain spell over the reader. The ideas reminded me of Neil Gaiman, while the randomness and lack of punctuation or cohesion made me think of some of Leonard Cohen's poetry. And, given that I really like both of those writers, this is high praise.

Hello!

My name is Hayley and I'll be semi-reviewing your poem!

So, first off, I really enjoyed this poem. I loved the "organised random-ness" in it. It was sort of like one of those wierd dreams when you wake up really early and you feel kind of drunk..

I think the only improvements that I would make would be the capital letters.

Sorry for the rubbish review but I'm eating hot potato and it really can't wait!

This poem is very engaging! I love how abstract it actually is. I thought from the title that it might be a little cliche and therefore, dull. However, I was completely wrong because this is very decent and mature poetry.
I love the idea that it is a 'little dream' because it is almost lime a dream in how random it is. I love how your words just seem to have been spat out across the page but they all comine together to give a lovely meaning.
That is all I have to say if I am quite honest.
It is beautiful. Keep up the hard work!

This is really pretty and very creative but you should add punctuation to clear it up.

red on black
blue on gold
and not a drop to drin
kone
three six
fiv
edance to dust
drink the moon
and wear the sun around your finger
for the picture of a face that launched
a thousand painted ships of words
if you rise high enough
into the ground
you may find the lion who speaks in the flowers
sky in the mirror
pretty little nightmare
kiss me once
shame on you
kiss me twice
shame on me
and you may bury this star i found
or keep wisdom in your pocket
and tell your favorite tree
the queen of raindrops offered you a sapphire
you think
therefore i am
if you dream loud enough you can hear the goblins singing

Not a bad poem, just some parts didn't really fit together, its like you were squeezing the wrong pieces together in a puzzle. For instance:

red on black
blue on gold
and not a drop to drink
one
three
six
five

Like where does that fit in? What does it even mean? And you had no punctuation, at all. So fix those few things and you'll have a masterpiece. Keep Writing!

Very offbeat (as in off-kilter). I quite like it. It's very beautiful and it paints pictures in my mind, things I can almost touch but just barely.

This was a very emotional poem, I'm guessing, otherwise. It has a--tinge of pain to it, or something like that. (But maybe I'm being a weird hippie.)

Otherwise, I quite liked it. The lack of capitalization and punctuation sort of threw me for a loop for a few seconds but then I flew through the poem. It was just beautiful.

So, top notch job and I totally have to check out your other work!